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Look at my face. God manufactured human beings. And when he was...
...designing people, he gave us one mouth, and two ears.
Why do you think he did that? He wanted us to...
...listen more than what we speak. But knowing that human beings, you know, are still...
...very incorrigible, he decided to place both these ears, at...
...180 degrees. Unlike my eyes, my nostrils which are near to each other.
He put the ears in two extremes. Meaning to say,...
Not only listen but listen 360 degrees.
Then he was still not convinced that we're going to be good listeners.
So he made sure that he gave us two ears which don't close at all.
There's no way you can close your ears. You can stuff cotton into it,...
...you'll still hear me if I speak loud enough. And he gave us one mouth,
...whose most comfortable position is the closed position. Try and sit like this...
...for some time and see, how uncomfortable it is. Yet, ...
...from the time we're children we compete with each other in talking...
...but nobody bothers to listen. We only hear.
Now what is this thing called LISTENING and how is it that we can develop and...
...how does it help also? Let's look at that. Keep counselling aside for...
...a minute. Whenever you're interacting with any human being, whoever...
...it may be, a very ordinary low down person or a person right at the top.
The more you listen, the more your knowledge increases.
The more you talk, the more you're increasing the other person's knowledge.
Now why don't you, when the person is very happy sharing his knowledge with...
...you? Why is it that you don't want to benefit from it and why do you want to...
...interrupt and tell him what you like? Take a very simple example.
Here is this person you go to him and say: Hey, these cricket matches are...
...starting and it's so exciting, and you know, aren't you thrilled with the matches that are going to take place?
And this guy tells you: Sorry. I'm not interested in cricket at all.
But I am a tennis buff. I love tennis. And you know when this Wimbledon...
...was happening this this this. You switched off. I'm not interested in tennis. Why should...
...I listen to this guy? Yes, You've a right to have an interest in cricket.
You already know a lot about cricket. You're fascinated with cricket. You...
...spend a lot of time watching cricket or even playing cricket. But here you are, free of...
...cost, you're getting a brief lesson on tennis about which you don't know anything.
So at least, if you listen to that person for...
...5 min, 10 min. You'll get to know certain angles about which...
...you do not know. If not now later sometime, maybe, if you...
...develop an interest in tennis, you already have in your mind somewhere whatever this...
...person has spoken out. Even if you don't want to take interest in tennis,...
...you'll be what I would call tennis literate. Tomorrow there is...
...somebody of importance or significance talking about tennis, you don't have to put up a blank face.
Because you at least learnt a few nuances, a few basics from this person.
In general also, listening really helps. Now...
...if you want to be a caring and a loving human being, you want to be a counsellor, it...
...becomes even more imperative. Once you've shown to the...
...person that I am non-judgemental, I'm willing to listen to you, start off with...
...understanding that listening is not done only with the ears,...
...it is done with the mind. It is done with the eyes. You would've probably heard...
...that 55% of our communication intake is visual.
Even the balance 45% is not the text of what the person says.
37% of that is the tone in which he said it. Only...
...8% of your communication intake is by the text of the person.
If you have somebody coming up to you and say:...
Huh, you think you're looking wonderful, is it? Oh, great, great. You seem to be looking very...
...smart today? Do you believe him? No.
Because his tone was saying something completely different from his words.
But if somebody were to transcribe what he said and write it down on a piece of paper,
anybody reading that would say, what a great compliment he's paying you, why are you getting...
...upset with him? Because your communication intake took place by...
...looking at him, seeing his body language, seeing his demeanors,...
...seeing his tone. Now if you can learn to listen with your eyes, with your mind,...
...along with your ears, then and then only you become a...
...good listener. Now there is such a tremendous shortage of good listeners in...
...the world. I remember the young guy who once told me: You know...
sir, when I first moved into this city from far away, I had...
...no friends, no relatives, and nobody. I had a good job and I was working very hard.
But at the end of the day, I felt you know, I should have somebody to pour out to, talk to,...
...whatever it is. And I found this wonderful girl. She was...
...such a good listener. Whenever at the end of the day, I would either call her up on the phone,...
...or go with her to a coffee shop and sit with her, I could talk for hours about...
...whatever is happening in my life, and she with rapt attention she would listen to me. So much...
...so that I fell in love with her and I proposed. And she said: Yes. I accept your...
...proposal and we got married. The day of our marriage, it was the...
...priest who was doing the talking and both of us had to keep our mouths shut. The day...
...after the marriage, she started doing the talking and expected me to listen.
Today sir, we've been married for 5 years, and both of us do the talking and the...
...neighbours listen. Don't let that...
...happen to your life. The more you listen, the...
...more you sharpen your listening skill, the more people will talk to you,...
...share with you, express to you, tell you a lot of things.
Now comes this practical question: How do I sharpen my listening...
...skills? Please be aware that there is what we call as a differential between...
...talking speed and thinking speed. On an average a person talks...
...anywhere between 120 and 180 words per minute. I'm probably talking to you...
...right now at about 150 words per minute. You can time me if you want.
But, you as a human being have the...
...capacity to think at least 500 to 800 words per minute.
So, if you've been listening to me and I've been talking to you,...
I've conveyed 150 words to you. But your mind is capable of...
...processing at least 500 words. So you know what your mind does:...
While I'm talking it takes a quick break, goes out, and...
...tries to think of, after this discussion is over, should I go in my car...
...or should I take a taxi; should I finish my lunch first, or should I do this? And you come...
...back and you listen to me. But very often what happens is you overshoot.
When you're thinking about your future plans you've overshot that...
...differential of 350 words and you lost track of what I'm saying. And
...once you lose track, you can't get back. Because the link has lost. Suddenly you don't know what I'm...
...talking and what is the context about the whole thing. Okay. So if this does happen to you,...
...and it is going to happen to you, it happens to all of us. Do one thing, just...
...interrupt that person and say, sorry I got a little distracted, could you please repeat what...
...you were saying. Don't feel bad about it. The other person will feel nice that you...
...admitted it, because probably, looking at your face, he had...
...already sensed that he has lost you. That your mind has gone off somewhere, maybe your eyes are...
...drifting a little away, maybe something of that sort your expression has changed.
So, he'll feel nice that you value him so much that you actually said: I...
...want to listen to what you said. I got distracted, so please repeat. He'll happily repeat it...
...to you. Never pretend to listen.
Never say that: Yes, I'm listening while your mind is somewhere away. Remember...
...that the listening is inversely proportional to stress.
The higher the stress, the lesser is your capacity to listen.
So whenever you are under stress, remind yourself that I may not be able to listen well.
I'm counselling somebody and I'm under stress for something that is happening in...
...my life. It is better not to counsel that person. If he's a new...
...person, I would request him: Please talk to somebody else. If he's a person whom I've already...
...been counselling, let me be frank with him and say: Right now I'm under stress, I may not be able to do justice.
Sometimes, you'll come across somebody who says: Doesn't matter, Ali, I would still like to talk...
...to you. I feel nice coming and talking to you. I know there are other people, but I wouldn't like to go to them.
Fine, come on. Talk. Now I can allow my thoughts to drift,...
...he won't mind. He'll say what he wants and gets over it.
In fact, this has traditionally been known in the...
...West as the bartender approach to listening or to counselling.
You know a typical bar or inn, you've this long...
...circular counter and you got this 10 to 12 people sitting on the stools. Each one is having a...
...drink and the bartender is getting the refills from the shelf and pouring it to them and...
...walking around. There are 12 of them and there is 1 person. All 12 are...
...talking. After a person has a drink or two, he's more than willing...
...to talk out his entire life history. So, here he's going on talking and...
...11 other people are talking unconnected things. You know what the bartender does?
He keeps saying: Hmm, hmm. Every few seconds he looks...
...generally from this end to that end and says: Hmm, hmm,...
...hmm. And all 12 think that he's saying the hmm to them.
It's actually a practice which bartenders have used very successfully...
...to hold back the customer. The more the number of the hmms, the more number of pegs he...
...has and the more money this man makes. Okay, I'm not suggesting that you become a...
...bartender. But the good part of it, the technique part of it, learn.
Reflect back in the simplest possible words. Starting with the HMMM,...
...going on to YES, OKAY,...
...FINE, YES I DO UNDERSTAND, YES THAT MUST BE TERRIBLE,...
...YOU MUST BE UPSET, OKAY, FINE, IS IT?
That's all you need to do. Very often, you know, budding counsellors...
...ask this question: Okay, I got this person, he came, he sat down, he introduced...
...himself, and he said I came for your help because I am...
...having this relationship problem or this this this and then he started...
...sitting there and staring at me. Now, I didn't know what to do. What do I...
...ask him? What do I tell him? How I make this thing go forward? First I will...
...tell you what not to do to make it go forward. Don't ask a stupid question.
Don't ask a question which is a, what we call as a curiosity question. Remember, the...
...difference between a curiosity question and a concern question. Supposing this...
...person says that: You know my younger brother, whom I loved so much and I took care of him all throughout his childhood is...
...today acting so funny with me. He's actually demanding a share of the property. Whatever he's telling.
If you could ask him a question, he gets stuck and if you could ask him a concern...
...question saying: It must be hurting you very badly knowing that...
...your own younger brother who's more like a son to you is today making this this this?
That's a concern question. A curiosity question...
...when you get stuck and this happens very often, please guard yourself against it is: Just because...
...you want to say something and you want to take the conversation forward, you may look at him and say:...
How much younger is your brother to you? Does it really matter? No.
Do you think, he's a fool, he does not understand that it was just your discomfort...
...and you didn't know what to say so you asked him that stupid question. So,...
...firstly, I've a very simple theory as far as counselling is concerned.
Whenever in doubt about what to say, DON'T. Just keep your mouth shut.
Look at the person. Have a nice pleasant expression...
...on your face. Smile at the person. Make eye contact. Don't...
...hesitate or go away from making eye contact. Have a nice comfortable eye...
...contact with the person. Show him that you're there with him. You...
...will be amazed how many people who have stopped at a particular point...
...wait and if you have the patience to listen and if you do not interrupt,...
...and if you do not ask silly questions, literally you can clock...
...yourself. 1, 2, 3, 4,...
...5 seconds, and the person starts talking again. Including a...
...person who has asked a question. Sir, I've come to this point, I...
...have to take a decision. Should I go on suffering like this in my job or should I...
...quit? Tell me. I want your advice. Now, that's...
...when you panic. What advice should I give? Or I was told not to give...
...advice. And if I don't give advice won't this person look at me and say: What a fool he is? I am...
...asking him should I quit this job or not and he's not even answering the question to me.
But if you could come back to what I was telling you all this while - Make eye contact.
Smile at him. Nod your head. Maybe say, Hmm.
Okay. Yes. You've to take this decision, right? Yes. We'll...
...do it. I'll help you take this decision. No, I can...
...postpone the decision by 15 days, not that I've to take it this month. Anyway, I...
...will wait till this festival is over because we're likely to get a bonus. He...
...starts off. He's giving you the answer. Now, if he knew the...
...answer, why did he ask you? Because, while he knew the answer, it was stuck...
...somewhere at his subconscious level. By pouring...
...it out to you, and by making it lighter and by your carrying the silence and...
...not interrupting him - you helped him to put those...
...jigsaw puzzle pieces in order and the picture came out and he said: Okay,...
...anyway, I'm not going to leave till I get my annual bonus so I've a month more...
...to decide. Now, I'll go ahead with it. Okay, now that you've a month, what would you like to...
...do? Maybe, I'll go and talk to that friend of mine who's in HR, I'll go and do this or check with my...
...family members or I'll do this or that. He comes out with so many things. Again encourage...
...him. Empower him. Go ahead with the thing. So whenever you've this sort of...
...situation, do not tell the person that I'm not going to help you. Say: Yes, I'm going...
...to help you. Yes, I'm going to help you find the answer. I...
...know you're very concerned, I know you're very upset, you want to take a decision. You've done the right thing by coming...
...to me and I'll help you with this. Whenever you...
...feel that the person has just made a statement and he's stuck in, you know,...
...what else to say, I can't think of anything? The easiest answer to make...
...him talk is to say - Let's say I come to you with an issue. A particular...
...issue. I say that I'm having a lot of problems with my spouse. And I tell you the whole thing,...
...what exactly the issue is and then I get stuck. And then I say:...
Yeah, what else should I say? As a good counsellor, what you can do...
...is you can tell me: Yes Ali. I understand that you're going through a very difficult phase in your marriage.
And I'll help you with that. But you know something, I want to get to know you as a...
...person better. Can you talk more about yourself? I just told you...
...no, that I'm working in this company and I'm an engineer and I'm this. No, that...
...doesn't define you. That's only your biodata. I want to know Ali as a person, as a human being...
...what you're. Yeah, but then what you want to know about...
...my background, my childhood? Yes, why not? Come. Tell me about your childhood. No, nothing great. I...
...had an ordinary childhood. I want to know about that ordinary childhood. I've got all the time. Go ahead.
And when the person starts talking,...
...believe me, even if nothing else happens, no problem is solved...
...at that moment, first thing is he feels nice that somebody gave so much...
...importance to me that he even wanted to know that I was born in such and such a small town...
...40 years back into a lower middle-class family. And my father was a school...
...teacher and all; which nobody normally seems to take an interest in and here was this person...
...who was giving me a smile, who was nodding his head. Who was so impressed when I told him...
...although my father was a poor school teacher but he was so respected in all the towns around...
...and people used to look up to him with so much regard and I could see the expression on the counsellor that he...
...is giving that regard and respect not only to my father but to me because I'm my father's...
...son and I felt so nice about it. This is the...
...you know benefit of listening which has not been taught to most of us.
Most of the time we've not been told what're the advantages, why...
I should be a good listener? Somebody as...
...capable and as famous as Dale Carnegie said: You can spend...
...2 years trying to get somebody interested in you, you'll not succeed as much as...
...if you spend 2 months taking interest in that person.
Like I told you about cricket and tennis. Take an interest in the person...
...even if you're not interested in that particular topic. Because...
...to be a good listener, I want you to understand, there is no such thing as an interesting topic and...
...uninteresting topic. There are only interested people and...
...uninterested people. You're an uninterested person. The topic is not uninteresting.
Let's say you tell me: I'm not interested in cricket. I don't want to know.
Tomorrow you come to know that your cousin brother has just been selected for...
...the All India Team of Cricket. Still not interested in cricket?
Anybody, you meet after that you'll be talking nothing but cricket. Why because your cousin brother was one of...
...the players. So you see, it was your own approach, your own attitude. In...
...the same way, treat that counsellee, that caller, that...
...person, that human being in front of you as your cousin brother. As how you would do to a...
...dear friend. If he's interested in talking about cricket, I'll take interest. Not...
...because I want to learn more about cricket because I want to know more about this person. I want to...
...understand what this person is. And to be an effective counsellor,...
...unless and until I understand a person, there's no way I'm going to help him.
And the beauty of it is that the more I listen the more I understand him the...
...more he understands himself. As the thing...
...proceeds further and further, all you've to do is even if you feel that a...
...conversation is faltering, he's not being able to speak very smoothly, or he's...
...getting stuck at a particular point - first find out why he's getting stuck. If you are a good...
...observer of body language you'll notice he may be stuck because he's thinking deeply.
Allow him that. Maintain the silence. It may be because...
...he's choked up. He feels if I say one more sentence I'll break down and cry.
Allow him that. It could be that suddenly he came to a...
...point where he felt: Can I share this next bit of information with this person?
Can I trust that person? And the worst thing that you can do is to tell him:...
Yes, yes, yes, you can talk anything. I'll maintain your confidentiality. Go ahead and talk. No. You know what...
...I do? I tell the person: If at this juncture you're...
...not comfortable sharing something personal with me, don't. We've enough time. Maybe, not...
...today, maybe some other day. Think. Whatever you're comfortable with talk only that...
...to me. See how your comfort level goes. If you're not...
...okay sharing something personal, doesn't matter. Believe me,...
...8 out of 10 times, when I've made that statement, the person turns...
...180 degrees and says: No, no, no, it's okay. I might as well tell you this. Because I gave him the...
...choice. That's what makes for a good listener.
Only in a case where, he seems to be genuinely stuck, he doesn't know how to...
...proceed, we use this tool called paraphrasing, ...
...rephrasing. Give back to him in a concise form...
...whatever he had spoken in an elaborate way. "My younger brother whom I ...
...took care of, I looked after him like my own son, my father passed away early, I had this responsibility,...
...I did this for him, then he grew up, he studied, he got a good job, I helped...
...him get a good alliance, and I conducted the marriage and now that he's married, he got children, and he's...
...earning very well, he has turned around against me and he's demanding the property and he wants...
...me to vacate the house or something, so that's what I have told you for the last 10 min, 20 min,...
...30 min and now I'm stuck." All that a counsellor needs to...
...do is to turn around to him and paraphrase: What is...
...hurting you more is the fact that he is asking you for this?
Or am I right in thinking that you're getting, feeling very...
...upset, because even your mother seems to be siding with your brother?
Put it in a question mark. Even if it is not true, he'll not feel offended.
But he'll feel nice that you not only listened but you've paid so much...
...attention to what I said. That you could come out with a question like that, a...
...question of concern. There's also this thing called, open-...
...ended questions, close-ended questions, leading questions.
A good counsellor, as far as possible, sticks to open-ended questions.
Tell me more. How do you look...
... upon this issue today? Are you...
...comfortable with the way life is going right now?
Do you feel happy or unhappy with these circumstances?
How have your emotions been throughout this last one year when you went through this...
...whole turmoil? Tell me a little more about your family?
These are all what we call as open-ended questions. It gives a lot of...
...choice to the person. He can decide what to answer. The moment you ask a...
...specific question: How's your relationship with your wife? He's...
...alert. He's not sure whether he would like to share this with you. That...
...is what we call as a close-ended question. Using these few very very...
...basic techniques, if you can go on practicing, to be a good...
...listener, and as I told you earlier, in the worst case that you find that ...
...you're losing track; you even find that it's getting late, let's say...
...involuntarily, I've an appointment in the next 15 min, I've to leave and...
...go and do something and I'm not sure of what the time is, if involuntarily I'll...
...look at my wrist watch and look back at him. Be truthful and tell him: Sorry. I...
...looked at my watch because at this particular time I've to be there. Can we do...
...one thing, we still have another 10 min more, would you like to tell me about what your early...
...life was? You were telling me that after your father passed away, the responsibility came on you. Can...
...we discuss that for another 10 min before I leave and then we'll meet up at such and such time and...
...we'll continue with the thing? So, right from the time of how to...
...make a person open out and talk to the point where you have to stop listening,...
...you have to be aware of these very basic and very simple...
...tools that you can use to ensure that the communication is smooth, to ensure that the person...
...genuinely comes out with his feelings and talks whatever, you know, he wants to...
...do and all the whole process starts moving forward. I want to...
...assure you that the better a listener you are, the better you give opportunities to the ...
...person to go on pouring out with that catharsis and emptying out, the less...
...will be the need for you to actually go into any form of goal setting or helping...
...him resolve his issues, or whatever it is. That's the best service that you can give...
...to a counsellee, it's the best service you can give to your loved ones, it's the best service you can give...
...to a stranger. So please go ahead, and build, practice, and go on...
...sharpening this skill of LISTENING. Best of luck!