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>>> WE NOW RETURN TO THE SUPER BOWL ON CBS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME BACK.
I AM JAMES BROWN WITH DAN MARINO, COACH BILL COW DLRS HER
AND SHANNON SHARP.
FOR THOSE JUST TUNING IN A POWER SURGE KNOCKED OUT A NUMBER OF
LIGHTS IN THE BUILDING AND WE'RE TOLD THE GAME WILL NOT RESUME
FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES.
>> ANOTHER 15 MINUTES, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID 15 MINUTES AGO.
DON'T MAKE US WATCH THOSE FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHTS AGAIN.
I CAN'T WATCH THOSE AGAIN.
>> NO REASON TO PANIC, SHANNON.
THERE'S PLENTY TO TALK ABOUT.
>> IS THERE?
BECAUSE I AM RUNNING ON FUMES, MAN.
>> WE DID A SIX-HOUR PREGAME.
WHAT MORE IS THERE TO SAY?
>> JUST BE COOL.
FOR ANOTHER UPDATE WE THROW IT DOWN TO OUR OWN STEVE TASKER ON
THE SIDELINES.
>> WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH NEW TO REPORT, J.B.
THE LIGHTS WENT OUT AND NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO GET THEM BACK
ON.
SOME PLAYERS ARE STRETCHING.
SOME ARE NOT.
AS A FAVOR I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU NOT TO COME BACK TO ME
BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO ADD.
BACK TO YOU, J.B.
>> WELL, THANKS, STEVE.
THAT SEEMS LIKE IT'S BEEN 15 MINUTES.
NO?
IT'S BEEN LESS THAN ONE MINUTE?
OKAY.
WELL, AS A REMINDER, ON CBS IT'S TWO BROKE GIRLS, TWO BROKE
GIRLS.
VERY FUNNY SHOW.
NOW, BILL, AS AN EX-COACH, WHO DO YOU THINK IS HELPED BY THE
BLACKOUT?
>> WELL, AS I'VE SAID SEVEN TIMES IN THE LAST 15 MINUTES, I
CAN SEE IT HAVING ADVANTAGES FOR BOTH SIDES.
THAT'S ALL I GOT, J.B.
I AM REAL SORRY, PAL, BUT THAT'S ALL I GOT.
>> DAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE QUARTERBACKS ARE THINKING?
>> WELL, I'M THINKING IF COLIN KAEPERNICK, WE NEED TO
SCORE SOME POINTS.
IF I AM FLACCO, I AM THINKING WE NEED TO KEEP THIS LEAD.
>> YOU SHOULD KEEP THAT FOR THE REEL.
>> YOU HAVE PLAYED IN SUPER BOWLS.
WHAT IS THE PLAYERS THINKING RIGHT NOW.
>> THIS IS ONLY CONJECTURE.
IF I AM OUT THERE AND NO POWER FOR 20 MINUTES, I STOP TO THINK
WHO ON THE TEAM, WHO THE TEAM WE GOING TO EAT FIRST?
THE OBVIOUS CHOICE IS THE PUNTER BECAUSE HE WILL BE EASIEST TO
CATCH.
THEN IF YOU NEED A PUNTER LATE IN THE GAME, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE
BECAUSE YOU ATE HIM.
>> YOU START THINKING THAT AFTER 20 MINUTES?
>> WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS TWO LADIES, A CUP CAKE
SHOP AND NO MONEY?
TWO BROKE GIRLS, TOMORROW ON CBS.
VERY FUNNY SHOW.
THANK GOD.
OUR RESEARCH TEAM HANDED ME ANAGRAMS OF SOME OF THE PLAYERS
THE LETTERS IN BALTIMORE RAVENS WIDE RECEIVE TORY SMITH'S NAME
IT BE REARRANGED TO SPELL HERMIT STORY.
VERNON DAVIS CAN BE VEIN VENDOR, AND COLIN KAEPERNICK IS ***
KELP RINK.
SERIOUS ABOUT THIS?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK.
♪ DANCING DANCING
DANCING ♪
>> I'M DMITRI.
I WANT TO DANCE AT YOUR NEXT PARTY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER A QUICK APOLOGY.
I HAVE BEEN TOLD WE RAN OUT OF PROPER COMMERCIALING AND HAD TO
SHOW A WEIRD ONE.
ANYBODY ELSE GOT A QUESTION?
>> I DO.
I DO.
WHEN THE POWER?
THE STADIUM STOPS, DO WE STOP AGEING ?
>> WHAT?
CAROLYN, VISIT THE PSYCHIC TO LEARN ABOUT HER ROMANTIC FUTURE
ON AN ALL NEW 2 BROKE GIRLS.
IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T WATCH IT.
IT IS A FUNNY SHOW.
CAN WE WATCH IT RIGHT NOW?
ALL RIGHT.
I JUST RECEIVED WORD OUR OWN STEVE TASKER ON THE SIDELINES
HAS NEW INFORMATION.
STEVE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO TOLD YOU THAT, J.B.
I AM WILLING TO BET THAT YOU MADE IT UP.
SUFFICE IT TO SAY I HAVE NO NEW INFORMATION.
BACK TO YOU, J.B.
>> BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
>> YOU CAN'T BACK TO YOU ME.
I JUST BACK TO YOU YOUED BACK TO YOU.
>> AND RIGHT BACK TO YOU.
SO, NEWS CAME OUT THIS WEEK YOU FATHERED A CHILD IN AN EXTRA
MARITAL AFFAIR.
>> COME ON.
WE AGREED THAT WAS OFF LIMITS.
>> THAT WAS BEFORE, DAN MARINO.
>> COME ON.
>> THIS IS A NEW WORLD NOW.
WE HAVE TO FILL AIR TIME.
WE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO ADMIT TO SOME STUFF.
>> THEN WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT>> FINE.
I NEVER SEEN THE SHOW 2 BROKE GIRLS.
I SEEN ACTUAL BROKE GIRLS BUT THEY DIDN'T LOOK LIKE PRETTY
WHITE GIRLS IN APRONS.
SHANNON, GO.
>> RAY LEWIS KNOWS WHO KILLED THOSE PEOPLE BECAUSE IT WAS HIM.
>> THAT IS NOT IT.
>> I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING.
I HAD TO.
>> OH, OH, THE LIGHTS ARE BACK ON.
>> I REALLY NEED TO LEAVE THIS GAME BEFORE RAY IS DONE.
I REALLY NEED TO LEAVE.
>> WE BE BACK WITH THE SECOND HALF OF AFTER THIS AND LIVE FROM
NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH FRED ARMISEN VANESSA BAYER
BILL HADER TARAN KILLAM
SETH MEYERS BOBBY MOYNIHAN
NASIM PEDRAD JAY PHAROAH
JASON SUDEIKIS KENAN THOMPSON
FEATURING AIDY BRYANT KATE McKINNON
TIM ROBINSON CECILY STRONG
HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST -- JUSTIN BIEBER.
>>> NEXT ON "THE CALIFORNIANS."
♪♪
>> GIA, WHAT A GREAT DATE WE HAD.
THOSE LOBSTER CHIMICHANGAS WERE SO WHAT I NEEDED RIGHT NOW.
>> AND THE MAHI SUSHI ROLL WAS LOCO.
IT WAS SWEET MEETING THE MANAGER.
>> YEAH, HE'S AN OLD FRIEND.
WE USED TO GO SAND SAILING TOGETHER.
I'D GET UP AT 6 A.M. AND TAKE THE 118 EAST TO THE 405 NORTH,
THEN GET ON 5 AND TAKE THAT TO THE 210 ALL THE WAY OUT TO
RANCHO CUCAMONGA.
>> YOUR STORIES ARE SO INTERESTING, STUART.
>> THANK YOU.
NOW LET'S GET ON THE BURLAP AND CANE DAY BED AND MAKE SOMETHING
HAPPEN.
>> THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINED THIS ALL.
>> STUART?
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I LIVE HERE, DEVIN.
AND I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME THING, AND I THINK I WILL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> FORGOT MY POWER SAW.
I WAS ON THE 170 AND I GOT ON THE 134 GOING WEST.
I WAS ALMOST OUT TO HILLS WHEN I SAID, "HEY, WHERE'S MY POWER
SAW?" SO I MADE A U-WEE ON THE ADOBE
ROAD OVERPASS.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO BE ON A CASUAL DATE?
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
GIA?
>> DEVIN?
>> EH EH, HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, STUART.
BUT WE WERE MARRIED.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
>> WHAT?
>> I TRIED TO TELL YOU IN THE CAR, BUT YOU KEPT BLASTING
LINDA RONSTADT.
>> WELL, YOU COULDA SPOKEN OVER HER, GIA.
>> ACTUALLY STUART, WE'RE STILL TECHNICALLY MARRIED.
>> WE'VE BEEN SEPARATED FOR 11 YEARS, BUT DEVIN WON'T SIGN THE
DIVORCE PAPERS.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
>> WHY NOT, DEVIN?
>> I TRIED.
I DROVE TO MY LAWYER'S OFFICE IN BURBANK.
I TOOK HARLAN ROAD UP TO THE HILL, THEN I HUGGED BARHAM ON
THE LEFT ALONG THE 101.
WHEN I GOT THERE, MY LAWYER'S OFFICE HAD TURNED INTO A BAJA
FRESH.
>> THAT'S A LIE.
THERE'S NO BAJA FRESH ON THE 101.
>> I SAID ALONG THE 101, STUART!
>> JUST GET OUT OF HERE, DEVIN.
WALK OUT THAT DOOR, GET IN YOUR TRUCK AND GET ON THE OFF RAMP
AND OUT OF MY LIFE.
>> YEAH, DEVIN!
I TOLD YOU THAT YESTERDAY.
>> UH OH.
WAIT.
YOU GUYS TALKED YESTERDAY?
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
"THE CALIFORNIANS."
>> GIA, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY SEPIA CHARCOALS OF CANYONS?
>> I DON'T SAY THIS A LOT, BUT THEY'RE CAPTIVATING.
YOUR ART OPENING IS GONNA BE BANANAS.
>> MR. STUART, LOOK WHAT I FOUND SLEEPING IN THIS GAZEBO.
HOW DO YOU SAY?
A RAT --
>> LET GO!
LET ME GO.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M A RUN AWAY, OKAY?
>> DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE POLICE, MR. STUART?
>> NO NEED, ROSA.
I WANT TO HEAR WHERE HE IS COMING FROM.
LET'S GO OVER AND SIT IN THE NEUTRAL TONE DRIFT WOOD CHAIRS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM, LITTLE AMIGO?
♪♪
>> I DON'T KNOW.
MY DUMB PARENTS.
LIKE, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME, BRO.
THAT'S WHY I TOTALLY THREW THAT CLAY POT AT THE PORTRAIT OF MY
MOTHER.
THEN SHE CALLED THE COPS ON ME.
THE 10 WAS JAMMED, SO THE COPS TOOK OLYMPIC ALL THE WAY TO OUR
HOUSE ON LaBREA, BUT BY THE TIME I GOT THERE, I WAS ALREADY IN
VENICE BEACH.
>> WELL, LITTLE BRO, I THINK TOMORROW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
TAKE YOU BACK TO YOUR PARENTS HOUSE IN CENTRAL LOS ANGELES.
>> YEAH.
GIA CAN DRIVE YOU BACK IN HER 2007 PRIUS.
>> SWEET.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THE CAR SHE DRIVES?
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
♪♪
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
>> "THE CALIFORNIANS."
>> STUART, THESE CANYONS YOU PAINTED LOOK LIKE REAL CANYONS.
>> WELL, I CAMPED OUT ON A PLATEAU WITH MY CHARCOAL CRAYON.
>> TO STUART, MAY YOU SELL YOUR PAINTINGS TO ITALIAN RESTAURANTS
ALL OVER MALIBU.
>> HEY, STUART!
>> EXCUSE ME, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
IS THIS 11319 NORTH CARMALEDA STREET?
>> YOU MUST BE HERE FOR THE RUN AWAY.
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
>> NO, WE'RE HERE TO TALK TO THAT GENTLEMAN ABOUT AN ILLEGAL
U-TURN ON THE ADOBE ROAD OVERPASS.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
♪♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
>> "THE CALIFORNIANS."
>> YOU LOVE THE DRAMA ON THE "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY
HILLS." [ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
>> AND YOU'RE CRAZY FOR THE NEWEST SPIN OFF,
IT IS "VANDERPUMP RULES."
>> BUT WHO IS JAX'S DENTIST?
DID YOU KNOW HE IS MOROCCAN?
WE GAVE HIM HIS OWN SPIN OFF.
"THE MOROCCANS OF MULHULLINDRIVE."
>> UM, YOU MISSED MY BELLY DANCING PARTY.
>> I WAS CLEANING TEETH.
>> AND DID YOU SEE THAT GUY WALK BY?
GOOD.
BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED TO ROD STEWART'S GOD NIECE.
WEDNESDAY'S AT NINE IT'S "ARE YOU THERE, ROD, IT IS ME
GANESSA."
>> DAMN IT GANESSA, COME ON, THE LIMO IS WAITING.
>> RELAX, I AM ON THE PHONE.
ROD, IT IS ME, GANESSA.
>> AND BUCKLE UP, THE DRIVER OF THE LIMO HAS HIS OWN SPIN OFF.
THURSDAYS AT 8 IT'S "SOMEWHERE CHAUFFEUR THE RAINBOW."
MEET DOMINIC.
BETWEEN DRIVING AROUND CELEBRITIES, AND CRUISING FORM
TINSEL TOWN'S HOTTEST TWINKS, CAN THIS GAY BEAR JUGGLE IT ALL?
>> I DRIVE MEN CRAZY, AND ALSO TO THE AIRPORT.
>> ONE TIME DOMINIC DROVE FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA SO WE GRAVE
HIS GRANDDAUGHTER'S BEST FRIENDS A SHOW.
THURSDAYS AT 9:30.
THEY RUN A SMOOTHIE SHOP IN "A COPPOLA COCONUTS."
>> FRIDAYS AT SIX THE GIRLS LIVE NEXT TO THE HOTTEST PLANTS IN
HOLLYWOOD, THE REAL HOUSE PLANTS OF BEVERLY HILLS.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
ONE OF THOSE PLANTS USED TO DATE THE COUNT OF CABO.
SUNDAYS FROM 7 TO 7:05, MEET RADU, A MODERN DAY MEXICAN
VAMPIRE WITH A TASTE FOR DRAMA.
>> NO, I CAN'T COME TO YOUR DOG'S BIRTHDAY.
IT IS DURING THE DAY.
>> THEN SUNDAYS FOR ONE MINUTE WHO ARE RADU'S BEST FRIENDS?
>> WE DON'T KNOW BUT WE FOUND THESE GUYS AND PUT THEM ON TV.
>> IT IS "THE [ BLEEP ] OF SALTSBURG."
>> YEAH, WE'RE FROM AUSTRIA.
>> AND WE LOVE --
>> AND OUR ***'S ARE SO SMALL.
>> THEY SPEND EVERY NIGHT AT BEVERLY HILLS HOT SPOT SUR WHICH
IS FEATURED IN THE NEW SPIN OFF "VANDERPUMP RULES."
>> WAIT, DIDN'T WE DO THAT ALREADY?
>> EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.
ONLY ON BRAVO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH SETH MEYERS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M SETH MEYERS.
HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP STORIES.
>>> THE NOR'EASTER, NEMO, ON FRIDAY HIT THE EAST COAST
SHUTTING DOWN HIGHWAYS, TRAIN TRAVEL, AIRPORTS AND WORST OF
ALL, INSTAGRAM.
[ LAUGHTER ] HUNDREDS OF CARS ON FRIDAY
BECAME STRANDED ON THE LONG ISLAND EXPRESSWAY AFTER NEMO
TRAPPING DRIVERS IN THEIR VEHICLES OVER NIGHT WHICH FOR
THE L.I.E. IS MAKING PRETTY GOOD TIME.
>>> A MEMO FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION WAS MADE PUBLIC
MONDAY THAT JUSTIFIES THE USE OF DRONES ON AMERICAN CITIZENS IN
THE WAR ON TERROR.
NEWS THAT MUCH OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC LEARNED ABOUT FROM THIS
DRONE.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE MEMO IS STILL UNCLEAR ON
WHETHER DRONES MAY BE USED ONLY FOR A JUST CAUSE OR THE FAR MORE
REACHING "JUST CAUSE." [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A NEW PHONE POLL SHOWS THAT 92% OF AMERICANS SUPPORT
BACKGROUND CHECKS FOR ALL GUN BUYERS, WHILE THE REMAINING
8% THOUGHT THE CALL WAS A TRICK TO DISTRACT THEM WHILE THE
GOVERNMENT CAME FOR THEIR GUNS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> ALICIA KEYS SET A NEW RECORD SUNDAY WITH THE LONGEST EVER
RENDITION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT A SUPER BOWL ENDING TWO AND A
HALF MINUTES INTO THE FIRST QUARTER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> EARLIER THIS WEEK, BRITISH SCIENTISTS CONFIRMED THAT THE
SKELETAL REMAINS FOUND UNDER A PARKING LOT IN SOUTHERN ENGLAND
WERE, IN FACT, THOSE OF KING RICHARD III.
THE KING, WHO WAS KILLED IN 1485, WAS HISTORICALLY KNOWN TO
BE TYRANNICAL, EVEN ACCUSED OF KILLING HIS 12-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW
TO GET TO THE THRONE.
HERE TO DEFEND HIM ARE KING RICHARD III'S BEST FRIENDS
FROM GROWING UP.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
ACCORDING TO HISTORY, RICHARD III WAS KNOWN TO BE A
VIOLENT AND EVIL KING.
DID YOU GUYS ACTUALLY LIKE HIM?
>> OH, OF COURSE WE DID.
>> TOTALLY.
>> YEAH, THE GUY'S LIKE, OUR BUDDY.
>> HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHEN YOU SEE HIM, YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
[ WHISPER ] MAYBE THAT LIKE WENT TO HIS
HEAD, YOU KNOW.
LIKE I AM GOING TO BE KING AND GET A CROWN AND COME TO THE
CORONATION.
>> I WANT TO COME TO THE PARTY.
AND WE'RE LIKE, "OKAY, DO WE NEED A PASS?
HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, JUST COME."
>> THEY POINT TO THIS OTHER ROOM.
YOU'RE SITTING OVER THERE WITH THE PEASANTS.
LIKE WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS.
>> I AM SORRY.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU GUYS.
ARE YOU SAYING YOU DID OR YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.
>> NO, NO, NO.
HE WAS AWESOME.
>> OKAY, GREAT.
>> HE WAS GREAT TO US.
SUPER SWEET.
GREAT GUY.
LOVELY.
BUT, LIKE -- [ WHISPER ]
-- AT THE CORONATION -- -- HE GOES "COME, THERE'S GOING
TO BE ALL OF THESE SUITORS THERE," YOU KNOW.
>> AND I'M LIKE "OH, MAYBE I'LL MEET SOMEONE."
AND HE GOES "THESE GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR GIRLS THAT ARE
ACTUALLY PRETTY," AND I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME?"
"AND YOU KNOW WHAT, LIKE, YOU MAY BE KING, BUT LIKE, YOU NEVER
HAD A LOT OF FRIENDS."
>> GUYS, YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP.
YOU'RE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE.
ARE YOU SAYING HE WAS A BAD GUY?
>> NO, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL.
>> NEVER.
>> HE WAS A FUN FRIEND.
[ WHISPER ]
>> HE'S LIKE, "GET THAT OUT OF HERE."
AND WE'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"
>> I WAS LIKE "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
AND HE WAS ALL "YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
I HAVE SCOLIOSIS.
I AM UNDER PRESSURE.
ALL I KNOW, THIS MAKE PROBABLY IS POISON US.
WE'RE DONE.
>> YEAH.
>> WE'RE DONE.
YOU KNOW, WE DON'T NEED THAT.
>> WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS A PRETTY CHALLENGING PERSON TO BE
AROUND.
>> NO, SETH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MOVING IN
WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
>> NO.
I LOVE THAT.
MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER.
[ WHISPER ]
>> I LOVE DIANE.
>> SETH MEYERS, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KING RICHARD III'S TWO BEST FRIENDS FROM GROWING UP.
>>> DISNEY ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT IN ADDITION TO THE NEW
"STAR WARS" SEQUEL, THEY WILL ALSO BE MAKING A SERIES OF STAND
ALONE SPINOFF MOVIES INVOLVING POPULAR CHARACTERS SUCH AS YODA,
BOBA FETT AND MADEA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE EXECUTIVE BOARD OF THE BOY SCOUTS SAID WEDNESDAY THAT
THEY HAVE DELAYED A VOTE ON LIFTING THEIR BAN ON
HOMOSEXUALS, SAYING THEY WILL NEED SEVERAL MORE MONTHS TO
DECIDE.
SURE, TAKE YOUR TIME, FELLAS.
GO ON AN ALL MALE CAMPING TRIP, RUB A COUPLE OF STICKS TOGETHER,
SEW A FEW BADGES ONTO YOUR SASH, AND THEN LET US KNOW IF YOU'RE
COMFORTABLE WITH GAY STUFF AFTER THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> REALITY TV STAR, MAMA JUNE, WHO IS THE MOTHER OF
HONEY BOO BOO, REVEALED THAT SHE HAS LOST MORE THAN 100 POUNDS IN
THE PAST YEAR WITHOUT SURGERY, DIETING OR GOING TO THE GYM.
I HAVE TO ADMIT, I THOUGHT THE ONLY WAY SHE'D EVER LOSE
100 POUNDS IS IN A CUSTODY BATTLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> NO.
SHE IS ADORABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] ARIZONA SHERIFF SEAGAL WILL SHOW
THEM OUT TO FIGHT OFF WOULD BE ATTACKERS WITH SIMPLE EDITING
TRICKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A NEW SURVEY FINDS THAT THE NUMBER ONE THING SINGLE PEOPLE
JUDGE POTENTIAL DATES ON IS THE QUALITY OF THEIR TEETH FOLLOWED
BY THE QUALITY OF THEIR GRAMMAR.
GREAT NEWS FOR WHOMEVER HAS BOTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> LAST SUNDAY'S SUPER BOWL WAS ALSO THE BIGGEST DAY OF THE YEAR
FOR ADVERTISERS TO DEBUT SOME OF THE YEAR'S TOP COMMERCIALS.
HERE WITH SOME INSIGHT IS CORY, THE ONE BLACK GUY IN EVERY
COMMERCIAL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, SETH.
HIGH FIVE.
ALL RIGHT.
>> HOW ARE YOU, CORY?
>> AWESOME, MAN.
JUST AWESOME.
MY LIFE IS GREAT.
THIS YEAR I WAS IN 14 COMMERCIALS AND I WAS ALSO THE
ONE BLACK GUY IN A COLLEGE BROCHURE.
>> THAT'S GREAT.
REALLY COOL.
WHAT ARE YOU BEEN UP TO LATELY?
>> OH, SO MUCH.
JUST CAME BACK FROM VENICE BEACH WHERE I WAS PLAYING SOME DRUMS
ON THE TOP OF A PRINGLES CAN WITH SOME FRIENDS.
JUST MESSING AROUND.
AND THEN, I WENT TO THIS AWESOME PARTY WHERE I WAS A D.J., YEAH.
I PUT A DR. PEPPER CAN ON THE MIDDLE OF THE TURNTABLE AND I
WAS JUST LIKE -- WIKI-WIKI-WIKI, HA HA, YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] EVERYBODY LOVED IT.
>> HIGH FIVE, MAN.
>> THAT'S A GREAT HIGH FIVE.
>> I HAVE TO GIVE A HIGH FIVE EVERY 12 SECONDS.
AND THEN I LAUGH AND BITE A PIECE OF PIZZA.
>> WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T HIGH FIVE EVERY 12 SECONDS.
>> I DIE, SETH.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> I STRAIGHT UP DIE.
>> BUT IT IS OKAY.
I78 HAPPY, MAN.
I GET TO HANG OWL WITH HISPANIC GIRLS AND BABES IN THRIFT STORE
OUTFITS AND WHITE GUY THAT IS DANCE WEARING FEDORAS.
CRUNCHING ON TIPS SO HARD.
WE ALL LIVE IN THE ONE CLEAN PART OF BROOKLYN.
YEAH.
HIGH FIVE.
>> WHAT'S NEXT FOR YOU, ONE BLACK GUY?
>> SO MUCH.
>> THAT'S GREAT.
>> TOMORROW, I WILL BE SPENDING ALL DAY WALKING ON THE CITY
STREET WITH MY FRIENDS.
LAUGHING AND THROWING POPCORN CHICKEN IN THEIR MOUTHS.
I'M GOING TO RIDE AROUND WITH RAPPER, PSY, BUYING PISTACHIO
NUTS.
CRACK THEM GANGNAM STYLE.
OH SNAP!
>> THE BLACK GUY FROM EVERY COMMERCIAL.
>> HIGH FIVE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONE OF THE HOTTEST NEW APPS AMONG TEENAGERS IS SNAPCHAT,
WHICH ALLOWS USERS TO SEND A PICTURE FROM THEIR MOBILE
DEVICE.
HOWEVER, THE IMAGE WILL ERASE ITSELF AFTER TEN SECONDS, WHICH,
IF YOU'RE A TEENAGE BOY, IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> HASBRO ANNOUNCED WEDNESDAY THAT ONLINE VOTERS HAVE CHOSEN
TO REPLACE THE MONOPOLY GAME PIECE, THE IRON, WITH A NEW
TOKEN OF A CAT.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU PLAY MONOPOLY, YOU CAN BE THE IRON
BECAUSE NOBODY IS BUYING A WHOLE NEW GAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A NEW STUDY LISTS WASHINGTON, D.C. AS THE MOST
LITERATE CITY IN THE COUNTRY FOLLOWED BY SEATTLE AND
MINNEAPOLIS.
COMING IN AS THE LEAST LITERATE CITY -- PIG SYMBOL, ALABAMA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M SETH MEYERS.
GOODNIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> SO, TELL US WHAT HAPPENED, ANGIE.
>> SO, HOW WAS YOUR DATE WITH BILLY?
>> YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE TWO LOVEBIRDS.
>> OR A COUPLE OF REGULAR BIRDS IN LOVE.
>> ISN'T HE A LITTLE YOUNG FOR YOU?
BILLY'S A DOLL AND A HALF.
I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE.
>> OOH.
>> HEY, ZUCCARELLI.
>> HEY, WE SAW YOU AT THE DANCE.
>> YOU WAS WITH THAT NEW GIRL.
>> YEAH, SHE'S THE FINEST GIRL AT ST. MARSHA'S.
>> SO, WHAT HAPPENED, BOSS?
DID YOU SCORE?
>> YOU KNOW IT.
I WAS REALLY SMOOTH.
IT WAS QUITE A NIGHT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> OH!
>> SO, SPILL.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
DID HE TRY TO KISS YOU?
♪ SAY MORE STUFF SAY MORE STUFF
WE'RE DYING TO KNOW ♪
♪ SAY MORE SAY MORE DID SHE PUT ON A SHOW ♪
>> OH, YEAH.
ONCE I GOT MY MOVES GOING, SHE WAS LIKE PUTTY IN MY HANDS.
>> MAN, I WISH I WAS YOU.
>> YEAH, AND I THEN I DID THAT THING WHERE YOU WOW THE GIRL BY
OPENING THE CAR DOOR FOR HER.
>> OH!
>> SO, HE OPENED THE CAR DOOR FOR ME LIKE A REAL GENTLEMAN.
>> OOH.
>> BUT HE KEPT PUSHING ON IT RATHER THAN PULLING.
I FINALLY HAD TO SAY, "I THINK IT'S BETTER IF YOU PULL ON IT."
BUT HE JUST KEPT PUSHING.
>> WOW.
HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW DOORS WORK?
>> NOT A CLUE.
HE'S SUCH A DOLL.
>> YEAH, BUT, STILL.
♪ SAY MORE STUFF SAY MORE STUFF
SNUCK A PEEK DOWN HER BLOUSE.
>> SO, GIVE US THE DIRTY DETAILS.
>> YEAH, ZUC.
>> WELL, I GOT A LOOK, BUT LET'S JUST SAY THERE WEREN'T ANY
PUPPIES.
>> SO, YOU'RE SAYING THEY WERE GREAT DANES?
>> WELL, I'M SAYING THERE WEREN'T ANY PUPPIES.
>> THEN I SEE HIM SNEAKING A PEEK DOWN MY BLOUSE.
HE STARTED CRYING, SAYING, "WHERE ARE ALL THE PUPPIES?
MY FRIENDS TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE PUPPIES IN HERE."
>> SO, OKAY, HE THOUGHT YOUR SWEATER HAD REAL PUPPIES INSIDE?
>> HE DID.
ISN'T THAT CUTE?
>> YEAH, CUTE-ISH.
♪ SAY MORE STUFF SAY MORE STUFF
WE DROVE AROUND IN HIS CAR ♪
♪ SAY MORE STUFF SAY MORE STUFF
SHE LET ME GO PRETTY FAR ♪
>> HEY -- HEY ZUCS, DID YOU TAKE HER DOWN
TO LIP LOCK LANE?
>> WHO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?
OF COURSE I DID.
LET'S JUST SAY THINGS GOT A LITTLE HOT AND HEAVY.
>> OH!
>> ZUC!
>> ZUC!
>> THEN THINGS GOT A LITTLE CRAZY.
BILLY THOUGHT HE SAW A WITCH AND RAN AND LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE
CAR.
I TOLD HIM IT WAS JUST A TREE, BUT HE WOULDN'T COME OUT OF THE
CAR UNTIL I CHECKED.
AND THEN WHEN I CAME BACK TO THE CAR, HE SAID, HOW DO YOU KNOW
YOU'RE NOT THE WITCH?
>> WAIT.
WHERE DO YOU MEET HIM AGAIN?
>> LET'S JUST SAY HE WAS HANGING OUT WITH ONE OF THE KIDS I
BABYSIT.
>> ARE YOU SAYING THAT?
>> THEN WHAT, ZUCS?
>> THEN I TOOK HER TO MY ROOM AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?
SOMETHING CRAZY.
THINGS GOT REALLY HOT AND HEAVY.
>> WHEN WE GOT BACK THERE, HE TOOK OFF HIS JEANS.
>> OOH.
>> THEN HE PUT THEM BACK ON, BUT BACKWARDS, AND SAID, "LOOK AT
ME.
MY BUTT'S IN FRONT." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
>> WHAT IS IT, PHOEBE?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT WORTH IT, SO THIS IS JUST GOING TO BE WHAT
IT'S GOING TO BE, SO --
>> THERE'S BILLY NOW.
>> ANGIE, WOULD YOU GO STEADY WITH ME?
>> OF COURSE I WOULD, BILLY.
♪ I'M BILLY'S STEADY AND ANGIE IS MY STEADY
GIRLFRIEND ♪
>> YOU KNOW I'M, LIKE, 11, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, I'M GOOD WITH THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪♪
>> HEY, Y'ALL.
IT'S THE ALL NEW "MILEY CYRUS SHOW."
WITH ME, MILEY CYRUS.
♪ I'VE GOT GUESTS AND A SHOW AND MY HAIR CUT IS NEW
SO I GUESS THAT'S PRETTY COOL IT'S PRETTY COOL ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO, UM, IT'S MILEY, YO.
THIS IS LIKE, MY NEW SHOW WHERE I'M LIKE SEXY AND ADULT NOW.
AND LIKE I'LL TALK TO PEOPLE WHO ARE PRETTY COOL AND LIKE TALK
ABOUT THINGS I THINK ARE PRETTY COOL, AND YEAH IT IS PRETTY
COOL.
AND WITH THE ALL NEW "MILEY CYRUS SHOWS" BAND WE'VE GOT MY
DAD BILLY RAY CYRUS.
>> HEY, BABY, WE'RE ALL LOVING THE NEW LOOK.
LOOK, HEY EVEN DALE'S GOT IT, TOO.
>> OKAY.
WELL SINCE I'M AN ADULT NOW FOR MY MONOLOGUE TODAY I'M GOING TO
DO A SEXY JOKE.
>> HERE WE GO.
>> WHAT IS BROWN, ROUND, AND BETWEEN TWO CHEEKS?
A ***.
>> WOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF I GET THAT ONE, BABY.
>> OKAY.
SO AS YOU PROBABLY HEARD, AS PART OF BECOMING A GROWNUP, I
GOT A TATTOO.
IT WAS PRETTY FUN.
HERE IS A PHOTO OF ME GETTING IT.
I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT KIND OF SHOWS THAT I AM REBELLIOUS BUT
BUT ALSO SEX AND I STUFF LIKE THAT AND TRUE TO MYSELF AND EDGY
AND STUFF LIKE THAT SO HERE IS THE TATTOO.
THAT HURT A LOT.
SO EVEN THOUGH MY GUEST THIS WEEK ISN'T FAMOUS AT ALL, HE IS
STILL SPECIAL TO ME.
PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF MY FAN CLUB, PETE DEFALCO.
♪♪
>> HI, PETE.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M MEETING MILEY CYRUS.
AMAZING.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN SIT DOWN.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM HERE.
IN FRONT OF THIS MANY PEOPLE.
>> OKAY.
JUST TRY TO BREATHE.
ALL RIGHT.
MILEY, YOU'RE SERIOUSLY MY FAVORITE SINGER OF ALL TIME
YOU'RE LIGHT YEARS BETTER THAN THAT AWFUL KID JUSTIN BIEBER.
>> JUSTIN IS MY BUDDY.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT, HE LOOKS LIKE A [ BLEEP ] LESBIAN.
THAT DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LESBIAN.
>> COME ON PETE, YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
>> I HEAR HE STILL HAS HIS BABY TEETH.
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> I ALSO HEARD HE GOT BUSTED FOR SMOKING WEED AND HE IS
REALLY SORRY ABOUT IT AND THAT PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES AND HE IS
NEVER GOING TO DO IT AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH, RIGHT, ME, TOO.
OKAY.
PETE, I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME.
>> YEAH.
MILEY, THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU.
>> LIKE WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU WANTED TO BE A SINGER AND WHAT'S
YOUR FAVORITE SONG YOU SING AND HOW MUCH DO YOU LIKE ACTING AND
DO YOU FEEL SO FREE WITH YOUR SHORT HAIR AND I LOVE YOU.
>> LOOK AT THIS GUY WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS LIKE A SEXY LITTLE
JIMMY KIMMEL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> SO, PETE, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD SOME RUMORS MY BOYFRIEND LIAM
AND I GOT MARRIED IN A SECRET WEDDING WHICH I CANNOT CONFIRM
OR DENY BUT DO YOU WANT TO SEE A CLIP?
>> OH MY GOD.
THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
>> OKAY, LET'S ROLL THAT CLIP.
>> DO YOU, LIAM HEMSWORTH TAKE THIS WOMAN TO BE YOUR WIFE?
>> I DO.
>> AND DO YOU, MILEY CYRUS.
>> OH, MY, GOD.
THIS IS LIKE SO EXCITING BECAUSE LIKE MY DRESS MATCHES MY HAIR
AND LIKE, IT IS A SECRET WEDDING EXCEPT FOR THE CAMERAS AND
PICTURES AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND LIKE, EVERY KISS WE GET IS OKAY
AND I'M LIKE SO EMOTIONAL THAT I COULD CRY.
>> WELL, I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY GROWN UP.
>> OH, MY GOD, IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL, BILL RAY, WASN'T THAT
JUST AMAZING?
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS.
>> WELL, THAT'S MY SHOW.
I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY COOL.
COME ON, DAD.
COME ON, PETE.
♪ I GOT GUESTS AND A SHOW AND WE'RE READY TO GO
SO I GUESS THAT'S PRETTY COOL IT'S PRETTY COOL ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WE WERE IN THE DINING HALL, AND HE GRABBED THE LAST VEGGIE
OMELET.
>> AND I SAID SHE COULD HAVE IT IF SHE MET ME LATER FOR DINNER.
>> AND I DID, AND WE'VE BEEN DATING EVER SINCE.
>> WELL, HOW 'BOUT THAT.
>> WELL, ISN'T THAT SWEET?
MICHAEL, IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
>> PLEASURE'S MINE, MA'AM.
>> MA'AM.
>> OH, HE'S BEEN SO NERVOUS TO MEET YOU GUYS.
>> LOOK AT HIM BLUSH.
>> WELL, I FOR ONE AM HAVE VERY HAPPY TO SEE A YOUNG MAN WITH
SOME MANNERS.
>> MAMA!
>> THAT'S HEATHER'S OLDER BROTHER.
EDDIE, GET IN HERE!
>> MAMA, I'M OUT OF SNAKE FOOD.
THEY'RE HUNGRY.
>> OKAY, I WILL GET SOME MICE TOMORROW, EDDIE.
COME SAY HI TO YOUR LITTLE SISTER.
>> WELL, LOOK WHO'S HOME.
COLLEGE GIRL ON THE FLOOR.
YOU TOO GOOD TO CALL YOUR BIG BRO?
>> I FACEBOOK YOU.
>> WHO'S THIS?
>> THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, MICHAEL.
>> HI.
>> IT IS GLICE TO MEET YOU.
WHAT'S GLICE?
>> EDWARD, BEHAVE.
>> WHAT, MAMA?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT GLICE IS.
>> I'M SORRY.
I WAS GOING TO SAY GLAD AND THEN I SAID NICE.
>> YEAH, BUT YOU SAID, "GLICE." SO, WHICH IS IT 'CAUSE I DON'T
KNOW WHAT THE HECK GLICE IS.
>> UH --
>> I'M MESSING WITH YOU.
OH, MAN, HIS FACE.
HE'S LIKE, "WHAT?
IT WAS NICE." I KNOW.
GLICE.
HE'S SO EMBARRASSED.
HEY, MIKEY, I'M SORRY.
IT'S MY THING, BRO, OKAY?
HEY, YOU PLAY SPORTS?
>> MICHAEL IS CO-CAPTAIN OF THE TENNIS TEAM.
>> TENNIS, I WAS A B-BALL MAN MYSELF, POWER FORWARD.
>> HEY, IF YOU'RE INTO SPORTS, MAYBE YOU CAN TRY OUT FOR GLICE
HOCKEY.
REMEMBER?
REMEMBER GLICE?
[ LAUGHTER ] I DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE, SO I
DIDN'T LEARN WORDS LIKE GLICE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M MESSING WITH YOU!
SERIOUSLY, DON'T BE THREATENED BY ME.
>> I'M NOT.
>> EDWARD.
>> SO, MICHAEL, HEATHER TELLS US YOU'RE APPLYING TO MED SCHOOL.
>> YES, MA'AM.
>> GLICE.
>> WELL, MY DREAM IS TO BUILD A HOSPITAL IN SUDAN.
>> OH, NO WAY.
THAT'S ADMIRABLE.
YOU KNOW WHERE THEY NEED A HOSPITAL REAL BAD?
>> DON'T SAY IT.
>> GLICELAND.
[ LAUGHTER ] LIKE ICELAND BUT GLCHLT LIGLICE
BECAUSE HE SAID GLICE.
REMEMBER?
HE DID THAT.
YOU.
GLICE?!
GOING TO BE A DOCTOR?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
>> HE TOLD YOU WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
>> OH, YEAH?
WHAT WAS IT?
.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY GLAD, AND I KIND OF SAID NICE.
>> BUT YOU SAID GLICE.
WHICH IS NEITHER.
YOU FOOL.
IT IS ON YOU, BRO.
YOU SAID THE DUMB WORD.
YOU.
YOU GOT DUMB LANGUAGE COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, COLLEGE BOY.
SO EMBARRASSING.
LIKE WHAT DID I BRING HOME?
A DUMMY, SIS.
DON'T WORRY, HE IS A GLICE GUY.
>> EDWARD, THAT IS ENOUGH.
>> MAMA, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I HAD TO MISS THE THIRD GRADE?
BECAUSE I HAD SUCH BAD HAIR GLICE?
OH, WAIT, NO.
THAT WAS LICE CAUSE THAT'S A WORD.
YOU DUMMY!
WHAT IS GLICE.
>> EDWARD, YOU KNOCK IT OFF!
>> PAPA?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WILL YOU JUST STOP IT?
YOUR SISTER BRINGS HOME A NICE BOY, OKAY, AND YOU ACT LIKE A
HORSE'S ***.
WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
>> FOR YOU, PAPA.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DO IT FOR YOU 'CAUSE I NEVER
FEEL GOOD ENOUGH.
I'M JUST YOUR LOSER SON WHO AND IN WALKS DOCTOR MANNERS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH THIS?
LOOK AT HIS GENTLE FACE, PAPA.
IT IS FLAWLESS.
WHO WOULD NOT FALL IN LOVE?
ISN'T HE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT YOU HAVE.
SHOW ME YOUR SECRETS, BEAUTIFUL DRESSER.
LET ME BE LIKE YOU.
SOFT, AND KIND, AND TONED.
I HAVE THE ARMS OF A BAT.
I JUST WANT TO BE GOOD, PAPA.
I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ME.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
EDWARD, EDWARD, I'M SORRY.
SON, LOOK, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
>> I AM MESSING WITH YOU, PAPA.
I GOT YOU SO GOOD.
YOU GOT SERIOUS.
IT WORKS.
HE NEVER HUGS ME, MIKEY.
REMEMBER WHEN THAT DUMMY SAID GLICE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> A SEXY VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE FROM JUSTIN BIEBER TO
YOU.
>> HEY, GIRL.
GUESS WHAT'S COMING UP?
IT IS VALENTINE'S, AND I GOT A SPECIAL ONE PLANNED FOR JUST THE
TWO OF US.
CHAMPAGNE, CHECK.
ROSES, CHECK.
LOOK WHAT WE GOT HERE.
SEXY DICE.
*** BUTT.
RULES ARE RULES.
YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SEXY TIME.
JUST YOU AND ME.
AND TACO.
ALL DRESSED FOR BEDTIME, BUD?
♪♪
TACO'S CRAZY.
HE SAID HE'D BE HERE FOR A NIGHT.
THREE MONTHS LATER, I'M, LIKE, "JUST GET USED TO TACO."
♪♪
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
LIKE FANCY CHOCOLATE?
THESIS ARE ALL EATEN.
TACO.
>> UH-OH!
>> CHECK YOUR E-MAIL, HILLARY CLINTON.
IT IS GOING TO BE YOU, ME, PASSION.
IS THAT A BIRD?
THIS VALENTINE'S DAY IS GONNA GET SEXY COURTESY OF THIS
MASSAGE OIL.
NOPE.
WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK, RIGHT, TACO?
WELL, LOOKS LIKE TACO'S GOT HIS TOILET OUT.
GUESS I BETTER GO.
STAY SEXY, GIRL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> WELCOME, STUDENTS, TO THE BOOKER T. WASHINGTON HIGH
CAFETORIUM FOR OUR VALENTINE'S DANCE.
THIS YEARS AE THEME IS "HOORAY FOR ABSTINENCE."
SO LET'S PARTY UNTIL IT ALL COMES OFF THE CHAIN.
WHAT?
WHAT?
FIRST, HERE IS A MESSAGE FROM PRINCIPAL FRYE.
>> ATTENTION TEACHERS AND STUDENTS --
THE PUNCH BOWL HAS BEEN SPIKED ON TODAY.
ONE OF YOU JIVE-TIME TURKEYS PUT SOME ECSTASY IN IT.
ALSO, IF YOU GET SHOT WITH AN ARROW ON THIS HOLIDAY, THAT IS
NOT CUPID.
THERE IS A HOBO WITH A CROSS BOW OUT IN THE PARKING LOT.
THANK YOU, TEACHERS AND STUDENTS.
>> THANK YOU, PRINCIPAL FRYE.
LET'S BRING UP THE HEAD OF THE SOCIAL COMMITTEE,
BRYCE DUNHAM.
>> HEY, I KNOW SOME OF YOU GUYS DON'T LIKE THIS YEAR'S THEME
ABOUT ABSTINENCE.
WELL, YOU COULD HAVE COME TO THE PLANNING MEETING TWO WEEKS AGO.
ME AND MARY WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE.
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I DO KNOW THAT BEING ABSTINENT DOESN'T MEAN YOU
CAN'T HAVE ONE, RIGHT, MARY?
>> YES.
>> LAST WEEKEND WE HAD A REALLY COOL DATE WHERE WE TIGHTLY HELD
HANDS AND LOOKED INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES --
--WHILE SHE SAT ON TOP OF A DRYER AND PASSED OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO, REMEMBER, DON'T DO THAT
THING UNTIL YOU GET THAT RING.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BRYCE.
ONCE AGAIN HERE IS PRINCIPAL FRYE.
>> ATTENTION TEACHERS AND STUDENTS --
ATTENTION TEACHERS AND STUDENTS --
SOMEONE JUST LET ALL THE FROGS AND TURTLES LOOSE IN THE
SCIENTIFIC EXAMINATION LAB.
AND THEY IS CURRENTLY AN INNER SPECIES GANG WAR GOING ON THE
DANCE FLOOR RIGHT NOW.
AMPHIBIANS AND REPTILES ARE KILLING EACH OTHER ALL TO THE
TUNE OF "BABY GOT BACK." STUDENTS, PLEASE DO NOT WAGER ON
STUDENTS, DO NOT WAGE OTHER THIS EXCITING ANIMAL BATTLE.
ALSO, TO THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT A VENTRILOQUIST PUPPET AS A
DATE, YOU TELL THAT PUPPET TO KEEP ITS DIRTY MOUTH SHUT.
YOU TEACH IT SOME MANNERS OR OR I WILL HAVE HIM EXPELLED.
THANK YOU TEACHERS AND STUDENTS.
>> WE HAVE BEEN HEARING A LOT OF COMMENTS FROM THE HATERS, AND I
JUST WANT TO SAY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING
ABSTINENT.
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I CAN BE VERY INTIMATE WITHOUT HAVING TO GO
ALL THE WAY THERE.
MARY BZ.
JUST THE OTHER DAY SHE WATCHED ME WASH MY CAR WHILE SHE CHEWED
THROUGH A FENCE.
>> AND I GAVE HIM A REALLY FORCEFUL BACK MASSAGE AND I WENT
HOME AND PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A SCREEN DOOR.
>> SO, REMEMBER, FELLAS, DON'T GO POKING UNTIL "I DO" IS
SPOKEN.
>> Students: BOO!
>> COME ON, WE'RE TELLING THE TRUTH HERE.
>> HEY!
HEY!
SHUT UP!
SHUT THE HELL UP!
THIS LITTLE WHITE DORK *** AND HIS *** *** GIRLFRIEND ARE
TRYING TO TEACH Y'ALL SOMETHING.
THEY UP HERE HUMILIATING THEMSELVES FOR YOU.
FOR YOU.
YOU THINK SEX IS A GAME?
WELL, IT AIN'T.
BACK IN MY DAY, IN THE 70s WE HAD A VENEREAL DISEASE CALLED
"MONTEZUMA'S GRENADE." YOU HAVE SEX, YOU EXPLODE.
GOING TO HAPPEN TO SOMEBODY TONIGHT.
ONE OF YOU ALL IS GOING TO EXPLODE.
NOW, SHUT THE HELL UP AND HAVE SOME FUN.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> IF THERE IS NO MORE ANNOUNCEMENTS, THEN WE CAN
>> ATTENTION TEACHERS AND STUDENTS --
I GUESS LAST YEAR'S ABSTINENCE DANCE DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE
SOMEBODY JUST GAVE BIRTH IN THE PHOTO BOOTH.
I HAVE CONFISCATED THE PICTURES AND I ASK THE MOTHER TO COME
FORWARD AND COLLECT THEM.
OKAY?
THESE ARE MEMORIES THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME.
ALSO, THERE IS A WIG IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
SOMEBODY GO AND GET THEIR HAIR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH TO WHOOPI GOLDBERG AND THE REST OF THE
CAST AND CREW HERE AT "SNL." I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME HOST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].