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You know, I heard
the most extraordinary thing
on the radio today.
I know!
Rubinstein's torrid survey
of the Chopin mazurkas.
It took all my strength
not to turn the car around,
drive home and ravish my wife.
That Daphne is one lucky lady.
No, i was referring
to the fact
that Maris has been
released on bail.
Oh, yes.
Of course, she's still under house arrest
until her *** trial.
Poor thing, has to wear
an electronic tracking device
on her ankle.
And she can't keep
the press off her back.
They're printing the most
vicious stories about her.
i saw one of those.
is it true that she fired
one of the gardeners
because she found
a worm on the front walk?
Well, to be fair,
Maris has always
been frightened
and disgusted by them.
it's just a stupid worm.
No, i'm talking about gardener
s.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Pull up a chair.
Oh, thanks.
Looking sharp.
i don't think i've
ever seen this jacket.
That's because i don't
wear it too often.
But you know,
sometimes when i do,
i find all kinds
of junk in the pockets.
it's like i'm putting on
a time capsule or something.
Here..
.
here's something from the worl
of yesterday.
Dear God, Dad. That's
my home insurance payment.
i asked you to mail this
three months ago.
Oh, geez,
i'm sorry, Fras.
But you see what i mean
about the jacket?
i can still see him
giving me that envelope.
No wonder my agent's
been calling me.
My policy's
probably been canceled.
Yes, Jim Sundquist,
please.
Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane.
Yes, i know. i just
discovered that myself.
Listen, how much to renew?
What?
Well, i'm going to have
to think that over.
All right.
i'll call you.
Thanks, Jim.
Scandinavian shyster!
Cold-hearted, glad-handed
highway robber.
Phony big-toothed smiling
*** insurance man.
(faint yelling from phone)
Not you, Jim.
Love to Marie.
Damn, i'm going to have
to pay twice as much.
Why don't you just find another insurer?
Oh, you know who
you should talk to
Ann Hodges.
Oh, Roz,
have you lost your mind?
i never want to see
that woman again.
Who is she?
Oh, it's a friend of Roz's.
We had a stunningly bad date
during which my behavior
was... Iess than chivalrous.
You ate her ravioli.
then hit on another woman
in the same restaurant
Which i concede
was less than chivalrous.
Well, the leas
t you could do
is throw her
some business.
She just did mine.
She did a great job.
And she can rush t
his through for you.
Here you go.
Here's her card.
NiLES:
You should
be covered, Frasier.
-
God forbid
something happens-
a pipe bursts
or Dad screws up again?8?
Remember the great bacon fire of '?
i suppose spending ten minutes
with the woman won't kill me
Oh, for God's sake, Jim,
hang up already.
Well, this is me.
Thanks again for holding
the elevator, Caroline.
Well, you did throw
your briefcase into it.
...
Yes, yes, well
You'd be surprised how man
y people just kick it back out
and then push
the "close" button.
You know,
maybe i could repay you
by taking you to dinner
some evening.
Yeah, i'd like that.
How about next Monday?
Perfect.
Why not stop by my place
first for a drink?
Uh, around 6:00?
Sounds good.
Great.
Thanks again.
And sorry
about the briefcase.
.
You might want to put
some ice on that ankle
Hi, Fras.
Hi, Dad.
What have you got there?
Oh, i made a sandwich
from some of your
cold chicken in there.
Also known as quail.
Get a plate before you start
dripping mayonnaise all over.
Oh, relax. i'm almost done.
Oh, and by the way,
until this home
is insured once again,
there will be no more
barbecuing or deep-frying.
Does that include the hot plate
in my bedroom?
Since when do you have
a hot plate?
(doorbell ringing)
Since i finally figured out
how to plug it in.
,
in just one outlet
i have my TV, aquarium,
clock radio, and t
hat old space heater.
.
Yes, well, unplug everything
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Ann. Uh, please
, won't you come in.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Oh, i've heard all about you.
.
Frasier and i used to go out
Oh.
i'll be in my room.
So, this is kind of weird, huh?
Yes. i hope
that your being here
means that you've
forgiven me?
Well, i was pretty steamed
after that date,
but my shrink helped me
work through the rage.
Good thing you didn't walk i
n front of my car on the street.
For the first few weeks there,
i would have just gotten out
and given you a good kick.
Well... and i would have
deserved one, too.
Here, let me take
your coat.
You're going to want to take
a look around the place
before you write up
the policy.
Oh, very nice!
Thank you...
thank you very much.
Hey, this guy looks like my ex.
i'm just kidding.
He wasn't black.
Can i get you something
to drink?
Just water, but i'll get it.
i want to see your kitchen.
Wow, schmancy.
And so clean.
You know, there's a homosexual couple
that livesin my building
and their kitctyhen is like a pigs
compared to yours.
.
Whoops, spoke too soon
.
Somebody dripped
a little bit of mayon...
)
(screaming
(loud crash)
Ann?
Boy, who'd have thunk
a little mayo on the floor
could end up
breaking your leg?
So, how's
that cast feeling?
Okay.
i'm worried about
my apartment, though.
it's a fourth-floor walk-up.
Oh, dear... well,
is there a friend
or a family member
we could call
to come and get you?
No. Just my mom
and she lives in Portland.
Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh"?
What's that
supposed to mean?
if you screwed anything up,
i will sue you blue, buddy boy.
DOCTOR:
No, no, it's nothing.
The bulb burned out.
Oh.
.
Let's find you
a pair of crutches
Watch it on the turns
there, Doc.
Precious cargo.
i hope you enjoyed
your sandwich.
it may end up
costing me my apartment.
you?
You think she'll sue
Dad, she's
as insurance woman!
if anybody knows anything
about milking money
out of an injury, it's her.
Won't your insurance cover it?
i have no insurance!
All right.
But you know what?
Why don't you just try
to get on her good side.
Pay all her expenses,
...
maybe throw in
a private nurse for a few days
That's good. But she's
too dangerous to be left
to her own thoughts
right now.
We've got to try
the personal approach.
i'll tell you what--
Why don't we invite her
to spend a few days
recuperating in our apartment?
!
..
Oh..
.
Friends do not sue friends
Ooh, my pits
are barking already.
Ann, listen,
Dad and i were just talking.
We thought maybe you should
just stay at our place
until you get used
to your crutches.
Really?
Sure. That's
what friends do.
Thanks.
Well, i'll call my super
and have him send over
some clothes and my trumpet,
and we're good to go.
You play the trumpet?
Oh, i just started.
it's really hard.
ANN:
Hey!
MARTiN:
Oh, sorry!
Damn it, Frasier, i just
walked in on your insurance lady
taking a sponge bath.
Dear God, which sponge
A small one.
This has been
the longest two days of my life.
Well, what do you think,
it's been a vacation for me?
i have cooked her meals,
i have massaged her feet.
i've also applauded wildIy
to her trumpet rendition of
"Froggy Went A-Courtin'. "
(doorbell ringing)
But i have won her over.
There will be no discussion
of a lawsuit tomorrow .
when i send her a-packin'?
Oh, Niles.
Hey, Frasier. Hey, Dad.
Brace yourself:
i finally got around
to returning
your escargot clamps.
.
Oh... oh, thank you, Niles
Oh, that's what those are.
i've been using them
to pull ticks
out of Eddie's coat.
Sherry?
Oh, please. Yes, thank you.
i have Maris news.
She's auctioning off
some of her things
to help pay for her defense.
She's letting me come by firstto
claim anything i want.
Well, this is my chance to seize
and destroy my boudoir painting.
What's that?
Oh, well, years ago, Maris and i
got the idea in our heads
to commission portraits of a...
well, a quasi-*** nature.
Dear God.
Continue.
Well, Maris is depicted
as a doe-eyed wood nymph,
while in my painting,
i am the satyr, Pan...
a louche, sybaritic goat-man
with a depraved appetite
for all things sensual.
.
Oh, i forgot to lock that door
Your dad surI.
got an eyefue
Yes, uh, bumbling old man.
i'm terribly sorry.
Well, no birthday gift for him
this year-- he's had it.
Hi, Niles.
Hello, Ann.
it's so nice to see you.
i'm sorry i can't stay.
You're leaving?
You're always leaving.
NiLES:
Oh, just lately.
Bye.
FRASiER:Bye-bye, Niles.
Uh, well,
wait till you see
what i've made you
for dinner this evening.
Your favorite--
mac and cheese
with sliced hot dogs.
...
Oh
,
You keep pampering me this way
it'll be hard
to go home next month.
Next month?
Well, let's cross our fingers.
.
My bones tend to knit slowly
Uh, aren't you afraid
to leave your apartment
untended for a whole month?
Not a problem.
i just sublet it this morning
to a girl from work.
if she chips so much as one
of my porcelain piggies,
i'll sue her six ways to Sunday.
if you want to beat her to death
with one of her crutches,
i can show you how to make it
look like an accident.
Here is everything.
i tell Missy Crane
you are here.
Thank you, Marta.
Wow. Maybe i can find . .
something nice
for Ronee here.
has
This whole
Ann thing
got me practically living over there.
Look at this
fancy back-scratcher.
That's not exactly what it is.
Every winter,
Maris would fly down
to the private isl
and her family owns in
the South Pacific.
On Christmas, she'd let
the native children come by
and fish coins
from her fountain.
Oh. Some kind
of coin-scooper, huh?
No. it's a stick with a claw on
the end of it
in case any of
the children got too close to her.
.
Ah! i found me
Daphne,
avert your eyes.
Let's just get t
his thing wrapped up
and into my trunk.
Oh, geez! How could
you stand to look
at yourself like that?
.
i never had to
it was in Maris's bedroom.
Uh... Marta?
Tell Maris we'll
be back to say good-bye.
Yes, Dr. Crane.
Thank you.
You were right, Missy Crane.
They take the painting
right away.
.
Now drink your protein shake
You have a long trip
ahead of you.
.
Oh! Very good, Missy Crane
You drink a lot.
What? Too much? Okay.
Oh, here they come.
...
i can't tell you
w?
Can we
leave no
This place gives
me the chills.
it was designed to.
.
Just let me say good-bye
to Maris, and we'll be out..
Doctor! Doctor!
What is it, Marta?
i no find Missy Crane.
i go up to her room,
and all there is is this note.
Dear God.
She says she doesn't believe
she can get a fair trial,
and she can't face life
in prison,
so she's going to hurl herseIf
off the State Senator
Harry R. Burton Bridge.
Marta, when was the last time
you saw Maris?
Just before you come.
Maybe we can
still catch her.
Well, don't panic.
She still has that tracking device.
The cops
will stop her.
,
Yes, but if we can catch her
maybe i can talk her down!
Perfect, Missy Crane.
i put the tracking bracelet
behind the painting,
just like you say.
The workmen will
take you in a minute.
What? Okay.
Hey, Frasier,
i'm glad i caught you.
Did you just get home?
No. i've been here awhile.
i can't bring
myself to go in.
Not with her in there.
(trumpet plays off-key)
She's getting better.
Look, i did you a favor.
My lawyer
drew up this document.
it releases you
from all liability
if you can just get
Ann to sign it.
way
Oh, Roz,
there's no
i'm going to
get her to sign this.
i've just booked passage
for her and her mother
on a two-week cruise to Alaska.
That way, i'll get her
out of my home,
but she'll still feel
like we're friends.
Hmm. Not a bad idea.
Good luck with that.
Thank you.
Roz, i've been
meaning to ask you
How did you
ever becomefriends with Ann?
She's not really
your type, is she?
Oh, we're not really friends.
I rear-ended her in 1989.
Well, i say divorce him
and take him
to the cleaners.
When you play
with someone's heart,
you deserve to pay big-time.
My ex sure did.
Yes! He's still living
in his van,
and he's lucky
i let him keep that.
Listen, i got to go.
.
My Bunny's home,
and he's looking so handsome
Okay.
i'll call you later.
You!
Alaska?
Oh, the tickets arrived.
You bet they did.
i just called my mother,
and she's thrilled.
.
Well, i hoped she would be
!
.
She can't believe that
you're taking me to Alaska
You... you told her
i was taking you?
Don't worry. i told her your
intentions were honorable...
(whispering):
but they better not be.
Ann...
You know, i've been
wondering all week
"Why is Frasier
keeping me here?
He could have just
sent me home with a nurse. "
But then i got these,
and i figured it out.
You've got a thing for me.
Well, i've got news
for you, Romeo.
Hold that thought
while Bunny goes
and pours himself
a big ol' glass of wine.
(doorbell rings)
Caroline.
Hi, Frasier.
Am i early?
Uh...
Who are you?
Just a neighbor.
?!
..
is our date still on?
Date
No!
Since we made
our plans, Caroline,
i've met someone else.
.
Me! So beat it
Frasier?
Just go!
Well...
someone's quite the tomcat.
i don't know what i'm going to do with you.
i don't know what
i'm going to do
with you either.
Hey!
Hey, Bunny, what's this?
Oh, it's... it's nothing
. Just... just work stuff.
it's got my name on it.
it's a liability release.
Oh, my gosh.
.
You think i'm going to sue you
?No
So that's why you've been so nice to me.
Because you're afraid
of a lawsuit.
So this whole romance
was just a fake!
No. Never.
Well, i've got news for you.
Nobody plays with my heart!
ishouldsue you!
i realize that you're
angry now, Bunny...
You'reBunny!
i'm calling a lawyer!
All right, fine!
Go ahead and sue!
i am fed up
with this charade.
This was an accident.
i have cared for you,
i have waited on you,
i have pumiced your heels
and set your hair!
.
Well..
if that's not enough
for you, so be it!
i don't care anymore!
i will not beg!
You can take me to the cleaners,
but you cannot take my dignity!
Okay. See you in court.
!
.
Dear God,
please, no
!
.
Please! No
!
.
No! Please
Please! Please don't sue me!
My... things.
.
My beautiful, beautiful things
i... i love them so!
Are you crying?
No.
Gross!
Frasier, pull yourself together.
i'll sign your stupid paper.
You will?
God! To think
i had a thing for you.
Can i pick 'em, or what?
.
Thank you, Ann
i'm sorry it had to come down
.
to all this
legal business
if it were up to me,
i would tear up
this piece of pape
r and forget everything
that's happened here.
And, uh... here.
And... here.
Yes, Officer. We're
headed east on Highway
61 toward the bridge.
Do you have a read
on her tracking bracelet yet?
They say she just
passed exit 29.
Wejust passed exit 29.
i don't see anyone
ahead of us.
You suppose we passed her?
There is a car behind us.
(siren blaring)
OFFiCER:
Pull over immediately.
Dad, you were a cop.
What do we do?
Pull over immediately.
We don't have time for this!
We need to get to the bridge!
According
to our tracking device,
your wife's in this vehicle.
But that's absurd!
ife.
And she's his ex-w
Oh, no. The press is here.
Open the trunk, sir.
(stammering):
There's an item of a very
personal nature in there.
if you could just
keep the media away?
Now!
See? See? No Maris.
Oh! Uh...
Be careful with that.
That... that's what
i didn't want you to...
Oh, geez.
What the hell is that?
it's Pan the satyr,
a minor god of mischief,
debauchery and fornication.
That's what our son would
look like if i were a goat.
.
There's your tracking device right there
She conned us!
Well, you have
your bracelet.
i guess i'll just
take my painting.
Sorry, sir.
This is evidence.
No!
"...so i shipped myself
to our private island,
"where, like
dear Uncle Julius,
"i will be immune
from extradition.
"Thank you all, and forgive me.
"Best regards, Maris.
"P.S. Big ups to all
my homies in lockdown.
Stay black. Cell block D. "
.
So you were the decoys
it's ingenious.
How did she get
the tracking bracelet off?
Mmm. Apparently,
she swallowed a salt tablet
to make her ankles swell
right before they fitted her.
And then,
when the swelling went down,
the bracelet just
slipped right off.
So that's it. No more Maris.
Strange to think
i'll never see her again
,
She was a pain
but she
was a character.
Well, then, let's drink
a toast to her.
Well, there's just a...
a drop left.
Perfect. i can't think
of a more fitting toast.
Yeah. There we go.
To Maris.