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THAT WAS
A TERRIBLE THING.
CALLING ME PART ***.
DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU, ED.
I WON'T.
IT WAS A PLAIN LIE.
I--I AM
YOU BET YOU ARE.
UH, WILBUR.
WHAT IS IT, ED?
I'M NOT LETTING YOU LEAVE TOWN
TILL WE FIND OUT AM I A HORSE
OR AM I A ***?
[sighing]
I'M GOING TO GET THE
THE TALLYHO STABLES TO PICK YOU UP AND SAVE TIME.
HOLD IT, WILBUR.
HUH?
UH--UH, PUT THE PHONE DOWN.
YOU'VE GOTTA TELL ME ONCE AND FOR ALL.
SURE THING, ED. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
NOW, THE TRUTH, WILBUR.
AM I PART ***?
ED, ARE YOU STILL HARPING ON THAT?
GORDON ONLY SAID THAT BECAUSE HE WAS ANGRY.
WELL, WHEN WE WERE LOST,
YOU SAID I WAS STUBBORN AS A MULE.
OH.
WELL, I WAS ANGRY, TOO.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
THE EVIDENCE AGAINST ME IS PILING UP.
ED, STOP WORRYING.
IF I'M ALL HORSE, HOW COME I DON'T HAVE
A NATURAL SENSE OF DIRECTION?
WELL, THAT'S--THAT'S, UH, THAT'S BECAUSE
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE ONLY HORSE WHO CAN TALK.
UH, RIGHT NOW ALL I FEEL LIKE SAYING IS:
HEEHAW.
ED, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOUR FATHER AND YOUR MOTHER ARE
FULL-BLOODED PALOMINOS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
NOW, I'M GONNA CALL THE STABLES.
HEY. HOW ABOUT MY GRANDFOLKS?
WELL, ACCORDING TO YOUR PAPERS,
YOUR FATHER'S PARENTS WERE PALOMINOS.
AND ON YOUR MATERNAL SIDE,
YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS ALSO A PALOMINO.
AND HOW ABOUT MOM'S FATHER?
OH.
WELL, THERE ISN'T MUCH INFORMATION ON HIM.
UH, HE WAS SOLD TO A PROSPECTOR.
AHA!
ED, DON'T GO IMAGINING THINGS.
A PROSPECTOR
GOES PROSPECTING WITH 3 THINGS:
A PICK, A SHOVEL, AND A ***.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
A LOT OF THEM USE HORSES.
NOW I'VE GOTTA PHONE THE STABLES TO PICK YOU UP.
OH, ED, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.
WILBUR, TELL ME THE TRUTH.
WAS I LEFT ON YOUR DOORSTEP
BY A DONKEY?
ED, YOU DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A DONKEY.
THEY-THEY-THEY'VE GOT SHORT TAILS,
LONG TAIL.
ES,
THEY-THEY'VE GOT GREAT BIG, LONG EARS AND--AND...
WELL, YOUR EARS AREN'T EXACTLY SHORT.
THEY'RE JUST NORMAL.
YEAH, FOR A ***.
HONEY, WE'RE ALL READY.
[horn honking]
ED, CAROL AND THE KIRKWOODS
ARE WAITING IN THE CAR.
WE SHOULD HAVE STARTED FOR SUN VALLEY AN HOUR AGO.
NOW I AM GONNA PHONE THE STABLES.
I DON'T WANNA BE HAT STABLE
WITH ALL THOSE HORSES.
ED, WHY NOT?
HORSES MAKE FUN OF US DONKEYS.
ED.
I'LL SAY, "HI, FELLAS."
AND THEY'LL SAY, "HEE HAW."
NO, THEY WON'T.
I KNOW HOW HORSES ARE, WILBUR.
I USED TO BE ONE.
YOU STILL ARE, ED.
WHAT CAN I DO TO PROVE IT TO YOU?
WELL, UH--UH, TAKE ME TO THE VET.
IF HE SAYS I'M ALL HORSE,
THEN YOU CAN LEAVE ME AT THE STABLES AND GO AWAY.
OK, ED.
BOY, WHEN YOU GET AN IDEA IN YOUR HEAD,
YOU CAN BE AS STUBBORN AS A...
AS A WHAT?
A-A-AS A CHIPMUNK.
HEEHAW.
OK, OK.
WHAT'S KEEPING HIM SO LONG?
BABLY KISSING THAT HORSE GOODBYE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO GET HIM?
HIS DOOR.
IF YOU DID, I'D HAVE TO REPACK THIS WHOLE CAR.
I'LL GO GET HIM.
WILBUR, FOR PETE'S SAKE--
OH. LOOK, ORRY, GORDON.
WELL, ARE WE ALL PACKED AND READY FOR SUN VALLEY?
WE CERTAINLY ARE.
GOOD. I'LL BE WITH YOU IN AN HOUR OR 2.
AN HOUR OR 2?
WELL, YES. SEE, I'VE GOT TO RUN ED OVER TO THE VET.
WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
WELL, ED SEEMS TO HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO...
YES, IT'S--IT'S--IT'S
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PERSONAL?
WELL, IT'S BETWEEN ED AND HIS DOCTOR. THAT'S ALL.
I MEAN TO SAY, YOU KNOW,
DON'T ASK ME WHAT IT IS,
THEY NEVER DISCUSS A PATIENT'S PROBLEM
WITH ANYBODY BUT THE PATIENT.
OH, YOU MEAN
HE'LL ONLY TELL THE HORSE WHAT'S WRONG.
YEAH.
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
EXCUSE ME. COME ON.
WILBUR, WHY ARE YOU HOLDING US UP?
WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON OUR WAY 2 HOURS AGO.
WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CALLED HIM A ***, REMEMBER?
I CALLED WHO A ***?
HIM.
UH...
OH, LOOK, I'M SORRY, GORDON
I COULDN'T HELP YOU PACK THE CAR.
BUT LOOKS LIKE
YOU DID A SWELL JOB. YES, SIR.
YEAH.
[both exclaiming]
I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU GET THE CAR PACKED.
CO IS
IF WE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND STRETCH OUR LEGS A LITTLE?
GOOD AFTERNOON.
HI, NURSE.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
HI.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND, DOCTOR?
OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE BACK, LINDA.
THIS OFFICE HAS BEEN A MADHOUSE.
HERE LET ME DO THAT FOR YOU.
OH, THANK Y
A WOMAN CAME IN WITH A MEXICAN HAIRLESS,
WANTED TO KNOW IF I GAVE SCALP TREATMENTS.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
RIGHT AFTER THAT, A MAN CAME IN WITH A NEARSIGHTED CAT.
OH, NO. HOW DID HE KNOW HIS CAT WAS NEARSIGHTED?
HE SAID IT KEPT STEPPING INTO MOUSETRAPS.
WHAT DID HE EXPECT YOU TO DO FOR HIS CAT,
FIT IT WITH GLASSES?
YOU'RE CLOSE. CONTACT LENSES.
OH. THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND.
STARTED CHASING THE MEXICAN HAIRLESS,
THEN THE WOMAN WHO OWNED THE DOG
BEGAN CHASING THE MAN WHO OWNED THE CAT.
WHEN I TRIED TO BREAK IT UP, I GOT BITTEN.
BY THE DOG?
NO, BY THE WOMAN.
I TELL YOU, LINDA,
I'VE HAD EVERY KOOK IN THE VALLEY IN HERE TODAY.
WELL, YOU CAN RELAX, DOCTOR.
THE MAN WAITING OUTSIDE LOOKS VERY NORMAL.
THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT. SEND HIM IN, PLEASE.
WILL YOU COME IN, PLEASE?
THANK YOU, NURSE.
HELLO, DOCTOR.
OH.
SORRY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. MY NAME IS WILBUR POST.
I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT MY HORSE.
FINE, FINE. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE?
WELL, BEFORE WE GO OUTSIDE,
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ALONE.
YOU WANT THE NURSE TO LEAVE?
OH, NO, NO. SHE CAN STAY.
I, UH, I JUST DON'T WANT TO TALK
IN FRONT OF MY HORSE.
WELL, WHY, MR. POST?
WHY CAN'T WE TALK IN FRONT OF YOUR HORSE?
WELL, YOU SEE,
HE KNOWS WHEN PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT HIM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
UH, MY NEIGHBOR SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HIM,
AND--AND THEN I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HIM.
NEITHER OF US MEANT ANYTHING BY IT.
AND--AND THERE WASN'T A WORD OF TRUTH IN IT.
BUT, UM...
DOCTOR, DO YOU KNOW A *** WHEN YOU SEE ONE?
YES, MR. POST.
I DEAL WITH THEM PRACTICALLY EVERYDAY.
GOOD, GOOD.
NOW, CAN YOU TELL JUST BY LOOKING AT MY HORSE
WHETHER HE'S PURE PALOMINO OR PART DONKEY?
THIS EVEN TOPS THE NEARSIGHTED CAT.
GHT BE
OH, I DON'T THINK HE IS. NO, NO. HE DOES.
HE.
WHO'S HE?
HE. WELL...
YOU SEE, UM, MY HORSE JUST HAS BEEN DOING THINGS
THAT AREN'T STRICTLY HORSE.
I SEE.
I MEAN, LIKE--LIKE HE HAS NO SENSE OF DIRECTION LATELY.
WHEN WE GO RIDING, HE GETS LOST.
WHY DON'T YOU BUY A COMPASS?
HINK HE COULD READ ONE?
MR. POST, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
I TOLD YOU.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT MY HORSE AND TELL ME
IF HE'S A HORSE.
ALL RIGHT.
HE'S A HORSE.
THAT'LL BE $10, PLEASE.
FINE, BUT WOULD YOU MIND
SAYING IT A LITTLE BIT LOUDER?
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'LL BE $10, PLEASE!
NO, NO, NO.
THE PART ABOUT HIS BEING A HORSE.
$15,
RITING.
MR. POST.
SOMETHING LIKE, "IN MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION,
"THIS HORSE IS PURE PALOMINO
WITHOUT A TRACE OF DONKEY BLOOD."
GOODBYE, MR. POST.
AND IN MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION,
I'VE NEVER SEEN A BIGGER ***!
ED, YOUR WORRIES ARE OVER.
THE DOCTOR SAID YOU ARE DEFINITELY A HORSE.
HE DID NOT.
HE SAID HE NEVER SAW A BIGGER ***.
HE MEANT ME.
WELL, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
SO YOU CAN STICK YOUR LITTLE DONKEY
IN A STABLE AND GO AWAY TO SUN VALLEY.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU ARE NOT A DONKEY.
HEEHAW.
NOW STOP THAT.
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.
WILBUR, DO ME A FAVOR.
NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TAKE ME TO A MULE FARM.
A MULE FARM? WHAT FOR?
WELL, I CAN MIX WITH THE MULES
AND SEE IF I BELONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, DONKEYS OF A FEATHER--
LOOK, THE KIRKWOODS AND CAROL ARE ANNOYED AT ME
FOR KEEPING THEM WAITING THIS LONG.
NOW, I HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO TAKE YOU TO A MULE FARM.
COME ON, LET'S GO HOME.
NO.
ED. NOW, CUT THIS OUT!
OH, WILBUR, PLEASE TAKE ME TO A MULE FARM.
I WANNA BE WITH MY PEOPLE.
HEEHAW.
HEEHAW.
HEEHAW.
[mules braying]
THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME.
YOU'RE 100 PERCENT HORSE, BELIEVE ME.
I'LL LET THEM DECIDE.
SEE IF THEY ACCEPT ME IN THE HERD.
AND IF THEY DO, WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?
IT'LL PROVE YOU'RE THE PROUD OWNER OF A ***.
OK, ED. GO AHEAD. MINGLE, MINGLE.
HI, MISTER. CAN I HELP YA?
OH, YES, HELLO.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D DO ME A FAVOR.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WELL, WOULD YOU LET MY HORSE
VISIT WITH YOUR MULES FOR A FEW MINUTES?
WELL, HE JUST WANTS TO MINGLE.
[sniffing]
WHY DOESN'T HE MINGLE WITH HORSES?
WELL, YOU SEE, HE DOESN'T THINK HE IS A HORSE.
WHAT DOES HE THINK HE IS? A COW?
NO, A MULE.
THAT IS, HE THINKS HE'S PART MULE.
OF COURSE, I DON'T AGREE WITH HIM.
WITH MY HORSE.
YOU SEE, THE ONLY WAY HE CAN FIND OUT FOR SURE
IS TO LET HIM MINGLE WITH YOUR MULES.
IT
INCT.
THAT WAY, HE'LL SOON FIND OUT THAT HE DOESN'T BELONG,
AND THAT HE'S A HORSE AND NOT A MULE.
MISTER, WHAT'VE YOU GOT AGAINST MULES?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
OH, I THINK THEY'RE FINE ANIMALS.
THEN WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIM BEING A MULE?
NO, I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
NO. IT'S JUST THAT HE'S BEEN A HORSE FOR SO LONG,
WELL, IT' FOR HIM T
RD
DON'T YOU THINK?
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
WHAT?
YOU OUGHT TO GET OUT THERE AND MINGLE WITH THOSE MULES.
H-H-HI, FELLAS.
I SAY, HEE HAW.
HAW-HEE?
HEE-HEE-HAW.
ED, HOW YA DOIN'?
UH, THEY'RE PRETTY STUPID.
CAN'T EVEN TALK THEIR OWN LANGUAGE.
[exclaims]
WELL, ED, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THIS SHOULD PROVE TO YOU
YOU DON'T BELONG WITH THE MULES.
AND I DON'T BELONG WITH HORSES, EITHER.
I'M JUST A FOUR-LEGGED WHATCHA-MA-CALL-IT.
MAYBE I OUGHT TO ASK MY MOTHER
IF WE HAVE ANY LONG-EARED SKELETONS
IN OUR FAMILY CLOSET.
ED, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE STABLES,
SO I CAN MAKE THAT TRIP TO SUN VALLEY.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
YEAH, WELL...
LOOK, I'M--I'M AWFULLY SORRY
TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING LIKE THIS,
BUT I'LL--I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
ED HAS HAD A SLIGHT EMOTIONAL PROBLEM.
BUT HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
AND THEN IT'S OFF TO SUN VALLEY.
A COUPLE OF DAYS?
YEAH, WELL, IF YOU WANNA LEAVE EARLIER,
WE CAN TAKE SEPARATE CARS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'LL GO IN SEPARATE CARS
TO SEPARATE RESORTS, IN SEPARATE COUNTRIES.
WILBUR, YOU CAN STAY HOME WITH YOUR HORSE.
I AM GOING TO PALM SPRINGS.
NOW, WILBUR, YOU CANNOT BACK OUT OF THE TRIP NOW.
IT'S NO FUN GOING SOMEPLACE WITH JUST MY WIFE.
OH?
OH, NOW, WINNIE, I DIDN'T MEAN IT THE WAY IT SOUNDED.
CAROL, SHALL WE START PACKING FOR PALM SPRINGS?
WHY PACK?
WE CAN BUY WHOLE NEW OUTFITS THERE.
SO RIGHT. COME ON, WE'LL TAKE OUR CAR.
THEY'RE JUST PUTTING ON A BIG SHOW.
[car door closes]
BIG ACT FOR OUR BENEFIT.
[car engine starting]
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO IN PALM SPRINGS WITHOUT US?
SIT AROUND THE POOL ALL DAY,
TRYING TO HAVE FUN?
THEN IN THE EVENING, WATCHING A FLOOR SHOW OR SOMETHIN'?
EH, DANCING AND WINING AND DINING.
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE A BALL, AREN'T THEY?
WILBUR,
I NEVER MET A MAN I DIDN'T LIKE
UNTIL RIGHT NOW.
HI, GORDON.
[sighs]
[chuckles] I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.
I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE PIZZA.
AND I WENT OUT AND I BOUGHT US--
OH, O I'M AW
WE'VE GOTTA GET THAT UP.
BECAUSE THAT MEAT AND STUFF STAINS.
OH, GEE. WHERE'S....
HERE, QUICK. HOLD THIS. I'LL GET IT BACK RIGHT AWAY.
I'LL QUICKLY OPERATE.
OOH!
QUICKLY LOOK AT-- GET THAT ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
HERE. WHOOP!
[stuttering]
THERE WE ARE.
GORDON, I'M SORRY.
[vase shattering]
WE'LL-- WE'LL GET THAT CLEANED, I'LL PAY FOR THE WHOLE THING.
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BROKEN VASE
'CAUSE I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT, TOO. I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING.
[phone ringing]
I'LL GET IT.
HOLD THAT.
EXCUSE ME, GORDON.
HELLO?
HI, WILBUR.
I'M HERE AT MY MOTHER'S.
AND GUESS WHAT?
WHAT?
SHE TOLD ME I'M ALL HORSE.
OH, THAT'S SWELL.
WHAT?
THE PROSPECTOR BOUGHT YOUR GRANDFATHER AND A MULE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
MOM SAYS GRANDPOP WAS A BEAUTIFUL HUNK OF HORSE.
JUST LIKE ME.
[laughing]
LOOK, I--I HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO,
BUT I TOLD YOU SO.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SEE YOU LATER, FELLA.
BYE.
SORRY, GORDON, I--
(Wilbur) OH.
GORDON.
YOU SHOULDN'T SIT AROUND I
WET CLOTHES.
WHILE YOU'RE UPSTAIRS CHANGING,
I'LL GO OUT AND GET US ANOTHER PIZZA, HUH?
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? PLAIN,
OR WITH CHEESE AND ANCHOVIES...
ATTENTION!
ABOUT FACE!
FORWARD MARCH!
♪[scatting]
VERY NICE SLICED SAUSAGES THEY GOT. AND TOMATOES.
THEY GOT MINESTRONE THEY CAN PUT IN-- LOOK, GORDON, PLEASE.
OUT!
OUT!
AND DON'T TRY TO COME BACK!
WELL, WE'RE BACK.
OH, I'M--HMM, I'M GLAD.
SAY, I WAS HOPING YOU GIRLS WOULD CHANGE YOUR MINDS.
WE DROVE ALL THE WAY TO PALM SPRINGS,
THEN WE TURNED AROUND.
YOU REALLY MISSED US, HUH?
YES, WE DID.
ALSO, IT WAS RAINING CATS AND DOGS.
ON, I'LL FIX YOU
OH, YOU GO AHEAD. WE'LL JOIN YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
WON'T GORDON BE SURPRISED.
OH, WINNIE, I'M SORRY.
I--I THOUGHT IT WAS, IT WAS...
UH, COME ON, C
THESE LOVEBIRDS HAVE A LOT OF MAKING UP TO DO.
ED, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
[laughs]
FROM THE TIP OF YOUR LONG TAIL
TO THE TOP OF YOUR SHORT LITTLE EARS,
YOU ARE ALL HORSE.
[kissing]
COME ON, ED.
WE LEAVE FOR SUN VALLEY IN AN HOUR.
AND I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OVER TO THE STABLES.
OK, BU
GEE, IT'S GREAT TO BE A HORSE, WILBUR.
YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT SOMETIME.
I'M GLAD YOU GOT OVER ALL THAT NONSENSE
ABOUT BEING PART DONKEY.
I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW COME I DON'T HAVE
A NATURAL SENSE OF DIRECTION.
ED, LAST NIGHT, YOU RAN 15 MILES
TO YOUR MOTHER'S PLACE IN THE DARK
AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE.
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
SIMPLE.
I STOPPED TRYING TO THINK LIKE A HUMAN
AND JUST USED MY BRAINS.
COME ON, FELLA.
♪ A HORSE IS A HORSE ♪
♪ A HORSE IS A HORSE ♪
(Wilbur) THAT'S IT. YOU'VE GOT IT.
♪ A HORSE IS A HORSE OF COURSE, OF COURSE ♪
♪ AND NO ONE CAN TALK TO A HORSE, OF COURSE ♪
♪ THAT IS, OF COURSE, UNLESS THE HORSE IS THE FAMOUS MISTER ED ♪
♪ GO RIGHT TO THE SOURCE AND ASK THE HORSE ♪
♪ HE'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER THAT YOU'LL ENDORSE ♪
♪ HE'S ALWAYS ON A STEADY COURSE ♪
♪ TALK TO MISTER ED ♪
♪ PEOPLE YAKKITY-YAK A STREAK AND WASTE YOUR TIME OF DAY ♪
♪ BUT MISTER ED WILL NEVER SPEAK ♪
S
♪ A HORSE IS A HORSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE ♪
♪ AND THIS ONE WILL TALK TILL HIS VOICE IS HOARSE ♪
♪ YOU NEVER HEARD OF A TALKING HORSE? ♪
♪ WELL, LISTEN TO THIS ♪
♪ I AM MISTER ED ♪
(man) THIS HAS BEEN A FILMWAYS PRESENTATION.
[neighing]
HELLO.
I'M
ED.
♪ A HORSE IS A HORSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE ♪
♪ AND NO ONE CAN TALK TO A HORSE, OF COURSE ♪
♪ THAT IS, OF COURSE, UNLESS THE HORSE IS THE FAMOUS MISTER ED ♪
♪ GO RIGHT TO THE SOURCE AND ASK THE HORSE ♪
♪ HE'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER THAT YOU'LL ENDORSE ♪
♪
♪ TALK TO MISTER ED ♪
GOOD MORNING, ED. YOU HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP?
NO. BY THE TIME MY LATE-LATE-LATE-LATE SHOW ENDED LAST NIGHT,
IT WAS PRETTY LATE.
OH, NO, ED, LOOK AT YOUR STALL, WHAT A MESS.
EH, IT LOOKS OK TO ME.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PLACE BEFORE
DO YOU KNOW, ED,
YOU'RE GETTING UNTIDIER AND LAZIER EVERY DAY.
NOPE, POP WAS THE SLOPPY ONE.
WE TH
TART CLEANING
BUT I LIKE IT THIS WAY.
IT HAS A LIVED-IN LOOK.
YEAH, LIKE 30 PIGS
COME ON, PICK UP YOUR THINGS.
A FINE WAY TO TREAT YOUR HORSE
AFTER HE CLOSES A BIG BUSINESS DEAL FOR YOU.
WHAT BIG BUSINESS DEAL?
WHO PHONED?
MAE WEST, THAT'S WHO.
MAE-- YOU MEAN THE MAE WEST.
SHE'S COMING HERE AT 7:00 TONIGHT.
WELL, DID SHE SAY WHAT SHE HAD IN MIND?
SHE WANTS YOU TO DESIGN A STABLE FOR HER HORSES.
WOW. WAIT TILL I TELL THIS TO CAROL.
[door closing]
ALWAYS YELLS AT ME.
I MAY RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.
[yawns]
BUT FIRST, I'LL TAKE A LITTLE NAP TO BUILD UP MY STRENGTH.
[sighs]
GOODNIGHT, ED.
[snoring]
OH, CAROL, LOOK AT THIS.
THEY'RE HAVING A SALE AT MAYFAIR'S.
SALE, ON WHAT?
WELL, IT DOESN'T SAY.
BUT WE BETTER HURRY DOWNTOWN BEFORE THEY'RE ALL GONE.
HEY, GIRLS, GUESS WHO I'M GOING TO WORK FOR.
WHO?
MAE WEST!
OH, HOW WONDERFUL.
YEAH. SHE 'LL BE HERE AT 7:00.
OH, HOW EXCITING.
CAROL, SHALL I WEAR MY BLUE KNIT
OR THAT WHITE JERSEY I BOUGHT LAST WEEK?
WEAR THE WHITE JERSEY BECAUSE I'LL BE WEARING MY BLUE SHEATH.
OH, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY SHOES TO GO WITH THAT OUTFIT.
WHY DON'T YOU WEAR YOUR GREEN SILK
THEN I CAN WEAR MY BLUE KNIT.
LOOK, MISS WEST IS COMING BY HERE FOR A BUSINESS MEETING
NOT TO HAVE A FASHION SHOW.
WILBUR, YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET US MEET MAE WEST?
MAE WEST? WHAT'S THIS ABOUT MAE WEST?
SHE'S COMING BY TO SEE WILBUR ON BUSINESS TONIGHT.
WILBUR, IT WONT DO ANY HARM
TO LET US TALK TO HER FOR AWHILE.
THERE'S SO MUCH I'D LOVE TO ASK HER.
LOOK, MAE WEST IS COMING FOR A BUSINESS MEETING.
SHE JUST HAS A FEW MINUTES.
WILBUR IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
MISS WEST IS NOT COMING HERE TO MAKE A SOCIAL CALL.
SHE'S COMING HERE TO DISCUSS BUSINESS WITH WILBUR AND ME.
YOU?
YES. DURING THE WAR, MISS WEST CAME OVERSEAS
AND ENTERTAINED THE MEN IN MY COMMAND.
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO THANK HER PERSONALLY AND
FRANKLY IT'S BEEN ON MY CONSCIENCE.
POOR GORDON. S SILENTLY ALL T
WILBUR, IF GORDON TALKS TO HER, WE CAN TALK TO HER.
WHO SAYS GORDON'S GOING TO TALK TO HER.
AS YOUR FORMER COMMANDING OFFICER,
I DO. ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS, LIEUTENANT?
JUST ONE, SIR.
DOES ANYBODY MIND IF I TALK TO HER?
[guns firing on TV]
ED, IT'S FIVE TO 7:00. MISS WEST WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
GEE. THAT WAS RAWHIDE.
A FRIEND OF MINE WAS PLAYING THE LEAD HORSE.
WELL, YOU CAN SEE IT NEXT SUMMER ON THE REPEATS.
YOU GOT YOUR STALL CLEANED UP YET?
WELL, UH, I--I STARTED TO
BUT, UH, I HAD A LOT OF INTERRUPTIONS.
WHAT INTERRUPTIONS?
12 TELEVISION SHOWS.
LOOK AT THAT, ED. WHAT--
THAT'S WORSE THAN IT WAS THIS MORNING.
ED, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS.
CAROL COULD HAVE
IS TIME.
SURE, BUT SHE'S GOT RUGS, I GOT NOTHING TO SWEEP THINGS UNDER.
JUST BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A BARN
IS NO REASON FOR IT TO LOOK LIKE A STABLE.
[car pulling in]
THAT'S HER. LOOK,
BY THE TIME I GET BACK HERE WITH MISS WEST,
I WANT THAT STALL SO CLEAN YOU CAN EAT OFF THE FLOOR.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
I'M EATING OFF OF THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW.
BE BACK IN 10 MINUTES, BOYS
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I GOT TO SEE A MAN ABOUT A BARN.
[doorbell ringing]
OH, MISS WEST, I'M MRS. POST.
OH, MY CALLING CARD.
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WON'T YOU COME IN?
AH, MISS WEST, THIS CERTAINLY IS A PLEASURE.
I'M WILBUR POST. I SEE YOU'VE MET MY WIFE?
YES.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
HONEY, YOU DON'T DARE SIT DOWN IN THIS GOWN,
IT'S STANDING ROOM ONLY.
MISS WEST, I KNOW YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES
SO WHY DON'T YOU STEP OUT IN MY OFFICE. THIS WAY, PLEASE.
OH, ER, CAROL, I WANTED TO RETURN THIS.
OH, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD COMPANY.
MISS WES I'D LIKE NEIGHBO
WOOD.
OH, IT'S A PLEASURE, MISS WEST.
MY, YOU LOOK STUNNING.
HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO KEEP SO YOUNG AND GLAMOROUS?
POSITIVE THINKING AND NO DRINKING.
OH, WE'VE ALL HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU, MISS WEST.
YES, I KNOW, BUT YOU CAN'T PROVE IT.
WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE IN A HURRY, MISS WEST,
OUT
WILBUR, I'M ON MY WAY TO--
OH, I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING?
NOT AT ALL. WHAT KEPT YOU?
OH, MISS WEST, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET COL. KIRKWOOD.
HE HAS A SPEECH PREPARED FOR YOU.
OH, IT'S NOT REALLY A SPEECH.
JUST THAT I WANT TO THANK MISS WEST
FOR ENTERTAINING MY TROOPS.
OH, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU, COLONEL.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
MY, BUT YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED.
I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED MEN IN UNIFORM.
YOU HAVE?
I EVEN CHOKE UP WHEN I SEE A GOOD HUMOR MAN.
MISS WEST, I KNOW YOU'RE IN A HURRY,
SO IF YOU'LL JUST STEP OUT TO MY OFFICE.
BEFORE YOU GO, MISS WEST, JUST ONE QUESTION.
IF YOU WON'T CONSIDER IT TOO EMBARRASSING?
IND UESTIONS
DO YOU HAVE ANY BEAUTY SECRETS YOU MIGHT LET US IN ON?
OH, LIKE I'M GOING TO TELL THE LADIES AT THE P.T.A.,
YOU GOT TO BE FEMININE.
DRESS LIKE A WOMAN, LOOK LIKE A WOMAN,
ACT LIKE A WOMAN, AND FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.
THAT SEPARATES THE MEN FROM THE GIRLS.
I KNOW YOU'RE IN A HURRY, MISS WEST, SO JUST STEP OUT TO MY BARN.
TO TH
THAT'S WHERE MY OFFICE IS.
OH. GLAD YOU TOLD ME.
(Wilbur) NOW, MISS WEST, JUST HOW MUCH REMODELING
DO YOU WANT DONE ON YOUR STABLE?
QUITE A LOT. YOU SEE, I BOUGHT THESE HORSES IN PARIS,
AND I'D LIKE THE BARN DESIGNED IN FRENCH PROVINCIAL.
ER, FRENCH PROVINCIAL.