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Okay. So, what is emetophobia? First, it's the question that nobody asks,
because nobody has really heard of it. But, it happens to be one of the top most
common fears. I mean, we've heard of...
Fear of public speaking, fear of crowds, fear of the dark;
but nobody talk about the fear of being sick, or more precisely "the fear of vomiting...
which is so intense sometimes that you can even say the word. It's "the V word".
If you say it, or hear it...it's, it almost feels like jinxing.
It's so bad that you can't even hear the word or you think..."Oh my gosh. That's - that's
going to happen to me." And it's really stupid, or it sounds stupid
to most people, because obviously people get sick,
and I'm sure most people don't really like it.
But, you start thinking about it. All the time.
And you can't even explain it in so many words. But, Emetophobia is...not risking anything.
Like, actually, you start to not even go to your local WalMart.
That I did for a while. I had never been carsick in my life, but my
sister had. And after I knew that that was pretty common,
too - I just stopped car trips. I just, if I went
I had to be drugged up. I did.
I could not be just, you know, normal for a car trip.
Not even three minutes down the road because I would be afraid of getting sick.
You don't even have to start out feeling bad, you just have to have the thought.
And you start to watch movies, where you've got your hands like this - waiting
for that moment when someone's gonna get sick, because they show that a lot in movies now.
And you plug your ears and you look away as if that's gonna make it "not real"...
But even just the though of having to cover your ears, and look away; it's in there.
And it starts this cycle. So you're like, fine one minute, and the next
minute you're having a panic attack because you feel like that's gonna happen you, that's
gonna happen to someone else. Someone can be totally fine, and say "oh,
I'm not hungry." and you look at them like... "okay, are they gonna be sick?"
And suddenly it is your top priority to get away.
Like, as fast as possible, because that's a time-bomb.
And you can not be around that. And you leave, and you sanitize, and you take
charcoal - or whatever it is that your remedy is.
And you're so dissapointed with yourself, because you just can't be around people, you
can't eat in places. I know that for myself, maybe for some other
people that do other things. I started to get closed-off.
I stayed in the house. It was really hard to go any other place.
And even in the house, it's just this vicious circle because if you start to feel bad, or
you have even just the slightest hint of nausea or a headache or any kind of sign of the stomach
flu, or something... When you see it on tv...
you start to feel bad, because it's just so gross...
Or you hear it, or you hear about it, or you eat something, or they mention it...
And you, you start to feel sick, and you try to tell yourself;
NO I'm not, no I'm not. And it's just this cycle because it keeps
going and it keeps going; you think about it, and that's what plants the seed.
And you can't stop it from there, and it keeps going, and going, and going - until finally
you're exhausted because you've been panicking for a long time, you've had to try to control
your breathing... I know for me, I cried a lot when I had panic
attacks. And, you know, sometimes you don't eat for
a long time...almost a whole day. This one time I *thought* my sister was sick,
and so I felt like I was gonna get sick...and so I laid in bed -
and I didn't eat for 48 hours. Nobody was sick.
And I wasn't trying to be a drama queen or anything, I was just scared to death.
And that's just how it is, with everyone it's going to be different, but...
It can be just the tiniest little bit of a fear, or maybe a little quirk here and there;
where you notice that this one person uses hand sanitizer every time they touch a doorknob,
like without fail - when other people just don't even notice and they can go around touching
everything and it's fine with them. Or, it can be someone standing beside you;
who is silently just this whirlpool inside, who is about to break down - but they won't
show it to anyone else. Some people can talk about things in public,
and a lot of them are things like...oh, you know, "I feel sick", or, "that was so disgusting
that...", you know at a restaurant and just saying, you know...
just being really really descriptive that can't even think about it right now, but people
can say those things. And someone nearby can hear them, and it just
gets you thinking about it all the time. You don't even need to be sick.
You map out where the nearest restroom is. Where the exit is.
you always need fresh air. You cannot be in a place where the air is just really still
or warm. You, sometimes, when you're in the house...and
you end up doing those things where you stay in bed all day;
You feel like, you need like a bucket or something. But you can't have one, because putting one
next to the bed would MEAN that you're going to get sick.
You are fighting against that, and you say "no".
But you also feel like you need one. And pulling up your hair...
I know for me, I knew when I felt sick I felt like I had to pull up my hair..."just in case".
But I felt like if I DID that, if I took that measure...
That was giving myself up. And it would be a sign that it WOULD happen.
I never believed in jinxing, any of that... Until this started. And I don't even know
when it started. I've always had a little bit of a fear, but
it got really bad around...7th grade, I think. I've been doing better lately.
But days like today - I was totally fine, I had breakfast, I felt
good, I was happy to start the day...I got to my first class and my stomach started hurting.
And I couldn't do it. I skipped my last class and came back here,
and just tried to calm down, and was so dissapointed. And it's, I feel like it's going to be a life-long
battle. No matter how much better I think I get, there
are always going to be days where you can't even go to class, because you're so paranoid.
And, I don't really know exactly what I'm expecting people to get out of this.
I'm hoping someone will find this and find some reassurance that they're not alone in
this. A lot of people don't even know about it - and
I didn't know until I had been, you know, taking these extra precautions, and keeping
myself inside all the time for like two years...before I finally figured out what was wrong.
And I did a search on the internet, and was like "oh my gosh, Mom, Dad, I think I have
this" And they're like "Well, we've never heard
of that" And so I went the therapist, and sure enough...
But, others who haven't heard of it, should be aware, also.
Because it is a real problem for the other people, and the ones who do have it - I know
would definitely appreciate some caution. And you're probably not going to be thinking
about these people who have this fear, all the time...
But to be a little more considerate with your words, and description, and topics that you're
talking about. There was some people who were my hosts when
I visited this one College, they were talking in detail about their Stomach Virus...like
it was no big deal. But, I was hyperventilating...on the inside
- I had to wait until I got outside of the room to have a real panic attack; it takes
a LOT of will power. So, remember that it does eventually - you
can get over it... I've been on tons of school trips in the past
couple years, and I'm off to College, on my own right now...
I did have a panic attack today, but I've been thinking about it a lot less lately - the
past couple years. And you will get there.
And the others who don't have it, just have patience with the ones who do, because it's
really important that you try to understand - even if you can't, fully. It's just a really
scary thing to go through, even if it doesn't make sense to you.