Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Anna is bleaching her teeth.
And they are getting a little whiter every day,
so we´re all very excited.
Uh, what else?
Oh, Frank and Cyril say hello,
and they have baked you something,
but I can´t pronounce it.
[ Weakly ] The play.
No, May, I don´t want to give you another heart attack.
All right, the play.
Well, Ellen is being Ellen.
Oh, and Claire is absolutely horrible.
But Jack...
I don´t know.
I mean, ultimately, this is Jack Crew´s "Hamlet."
It´s not mine, and I´m not just saying that to make excuses,
but I...
I don´t know who he is.
I don´t know what his thing is.
I don´t know what he´s gonna bring to the role,
so I can´t see the Hamlet, so I can´t see the play.
That´s the problem.
Richard.
What´s that, dear?
-Richard. -Richard.
And --
Oh, I didn´t know you were there.
Ah, I have bored her rigid, apparently.
She wants to speak to you.
She´s doing well.
May, I´m off to bother
that hugely breasted nurse for another vase.
May, I am sorry.
I´m really, really sorry.
But, honestly, Holly means well.
[ Piano plays intro to "Cheer Up, Hamlet" ]
♫ Cheer up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Chin up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Buck up, you melancholy Dane ♫
♫ So your uncle is a cad ♫
♫ Who murdered Dad and married Mum ♫
♫ That´s really no excuse to be as glum as you´ve become ♫
♫ So wise up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Rise up, Hamlet ♫
♫ Perk up and sing a new refrain ♫
♫ Your incessant monologizing fills the castle with ennui ♫
♫ Your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ♫
♫ And by the way, you sulky brat ♫
♫ The answer is "To be" ♫
♫ You´re driving poor Ophelia insane ♫
♫ So shut up, you rogue and peasant ♫
♫ Grow up, it´s most unpleasant ♫
♫ Cheer up, you melancholy Dane ♫
[ Cheers and applause ]
Subtitling made possible by RLJ Entertainment
JACK: [ Grunting ]
Ohh.
Polonius falls and dies.
ELLEN: Oh, me, what hast thou done?
I don´t know.
Who was it? The king?
ELLEN: Oh, what a rash and bloody deed is this.
Yeah, right, almost as bad
as killing a king and marrying his brother, right?
Why is he allowed to do that?
It´s the method, isn´t it, Ducky?
He´s making it his own.
That´s how they do it in America.
Oh.
Oh, you idiot!
You stupid idiot.
I thought you were the king.
Oh, well, no great loss, eh?
How much longer are you going to let him
shred the text like that?
Well, at least he´s making an effort.
Ellen is barely in the room.
She´ll claim she has nothing to work with.
He´s giving her plenty to work with.
Unfortunately, none of it was written by William Shakespeare.
What have I done that thou darest wag thy tongue in noise,
so rude against me?
What have you done?
What have you done?
What have you done?
*** me!
Oh, my God. Tick, tick, tick, Geoffrey.
Well, can´t you do something?
Can´t you, you know, cast a spell and make it all better?
[ Chuckles ] A spell? I´m not a witch.
Then, what good are you?
I´m a shoulder to cry on, a quip here and there.
No, honestly, why are you haunting me like this?
I mean, do you have some kind of purpose?
Is there some sort of, you know, mystical task
or something that you´re supposed to perform
before they let you move on?
Because, I tell you, I´ll help you, my friend.
I would very much like to help expedite that process.
I´m sorry, Geoffrey. I don´t know why I´m here.
There was no pamphlet in the coffin.
Anyway, let he who is without sin --
What?!
What is your purpose here, exactly?
MARIA: [ Clears throat ]
Would you like to take a break, Geoffrey?
Yeah.
15 minutes, please.
15 minutes, everyone.
It´s not my fault.
He´s giving me nothing. Sorry.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Trills lips ]
[ Hisses ]
CLAIRE: Hey. What´s with him, anyway?
Maybe he doesn´t like it when people do that to his cage.
Not him. Him.
Why doesn´t he just say the lines?
Guess it´s just part of his process.
Well, didn´t it ever come up?
I mean, when you guys were dating?
I don´t want to talk about it.
Fine.
-Hi. -Hi.
Claire´s a ***.
Yeah.
She´s a terrible actress, too, in case you haven´t noticed.
-Yeah. -[ Sighs ]
Why don´t you say the lines, ever?
I can´t say the lines until it feels right.
Well, if you want to run lines, I mean, I´m available.
No, I know the lines.
I just -- I don´t own them yet. You know what I mean?
When I´m improvising, those are my words, so it feels right.
Oh, okay, yeah.
-No, I´ve heard of that. -Yeah.
It´s a method thing I picked up when I worked with Howard.
Howard...
-Ron Howard. -[ Laughs ]
Yeah, I know -- Opie, right? Ha ha.
[ Laughs ]
But the guy´s been around actors since he was like 3.
He knows his stuff.
Sorry.
I would like to run lines with you, though, if it´s okay.
Okay?
You know, you wanted to take it easy.
Well, we´re just gonna run lines, right?
I mean, we´re not gonna have sex.
To be perfectly honest, I want to do both.
Well, running lines is okay.
Um...
Tomorrow night, your place?
Great.
I´ll pick up some Cheezies on the way home.
Ooh, Cheezies. Classy.
Hey, if we were gonna have sex, I might spring for nachos.
[ Laughs ]
MARIA: We´re back.
I saw May this morning.
Ugh. She´s a pain in my ***.
The board won´t act on anything.
Lying flat on her back, she´s still *** me over.
Is that all you´re gonna have?
I´m not really hungry.
HOLLY: You should order a steak or something.
Come on. You need the protein. You´re pale and spindly.
Mm. The model´s almost finished.
It looks so good -- little trees and everything.
What model?
For the mockup of the town for the pitch to the board.
I didn´t know we were having a model made.
HOLLY: Visual aids are everything, sweetheart.
Trust me. I´m queen of the pitch.
I can sell books to the blind.
Blind people read books, Braille books.
I meant books with words, smartass.
[ Shell cracking ]
Do you think I look spindly?
Did you ask Geoffrey for a season yet?
RICHARD: I´m waiting till tomorrow morning.
I´m leaving it as late as possible.
-Oh. Good boy. -[ Chuckles ]
You just look a little thin, is all.
I like a little meat on my man.
-Rawr! -[ Laughs ]
Are you coming over tonight?
Yeah, just for a quick one. I got Pilates in the morning.
OLIVER: Not very good, is it?
It´s all stairs.
Well, I was thinking levels.
Hamlet would meet the ghost on a higher plane, as it were,
and then deliver the soliloquies here and here.
Eh. My heart really wasn´t in it, Geoffrey.
What do you think of Jack?
Well, he´s very good-looking.
If I were younger -- Mmm.
Younger than dead, you mean.
Well, I won´t use Darren´s design, needless to say,
and as for yours, I just don´t know.
No, don´t touch it.
There´s no money in the budget for a third design.
We´ll just cut it, cut it completely.
What? Do it on a bare stage?
Why not? In rehearsal clothes.
Been done before. 1964, Gielgud and Burton.
That just proves it was a good idea.
Come on.
It would be honest. It would be brutally honest.
[ Laughs ]
And you´re one to talk about honesty.
I am, actually.
Death virtually eliminates the need for pretense.
There´s no one to impress.
Well, I´m all for honesty, Oliver,
especially in the theater.
But the problem is, whether you have an empty space
or one that´s all cluttered up with stairs,
in the end, the audience is still just watching
a group of actors and actresses
pretending to be queens and kings.
Well, with an attitude like that, why do it at all?
Because...drama is that willing suspension of disbelief
for the moment,
which constitutes poetic faith.
Poetic faith.
It´s a beautiful idea.
[ Inhales ]
Of course, the whole thing falls apart
if one of the actors isn´t very good at pretending.
♫ And will not come again? ♫
♫ No, no ♫
♫ He is dead ♫
♫ Go to thy deathbed ♫
Stop. For God´s sake, stop.
[ Sighs ] What?
Where´s this coming from?
What?
This staggering about with your mouth open.
You´re being sarcastic again with me.
Please don´t be sarcastic.
No, actually, I´m not, but sorry.
Ophelia´s mad.
Right.
I´m playing madness.
Right, and how does staggering about with your mouth open
suggest madness?
-I´m not mad. -GEOFFREY: Right.
And I never have been, so I have to simulate it.
-Right. -CLAIRE: I´m using sense memory.
I´m remembering what it was like being ***,
and I´m using that.
I´m disoriented. My head is spinning.
I think that´s what it´s probably like
when you´re insane.
Right, well, it´s not.
Trust me.
That´s what it´s like when you´re ***.
Oh, forgive me.
I mean no disrespect,
but I don´t have your experience with insanity.
Right.
CLAIRE: And this is hard, anyway,
because I can´t take any meaning from the text.
Ophelia´s just singing nonsense songs.
Right, Claire.
[ Laughs ]
Claire, Claire, Claire with the hair.
Ophelia is a child.
She has been dominated by powerful men all of her life,
and suddenly they all disappear.
Her brother goes to France.
Her father is murdered by her boyfriend,
and he is shipped off to England.
She is alone for the first time,
grieving and heartbroken and guilty,
because, as far as she´s concerned, it´s all her fault.
She ignored her brother´s advice and fell in love with Hamlet,
and now her father is dead, all because of her.
And the pain and the loss and the shame and the guilt --
all of this is gnawing away inside this little child´s mind,
and it comes out as little songs.
And will he not come again?
[ Voice breaking ] And will he not come again?
No, no.
He is dead.
My father is dead, and I killed him.
Okay?
Now, let´s try it again without the Vietnam flashback.
Excuse me. Geoffrey?
Uh, Maria, can you take them through it again?
MARIA: From the top of the scene, please.
-I enjoyed that. -Oh, I´m glad.
But you´re wasting your breath. She´ll never change.
The sole virtue of the ineffectual is consistency.
Well, I don´t know what the hell to do with her.
If you´ve got any bright ideas, feel free.
Richard, I´m in the middle of rehearsals.
It´s about next season.
I don´t know what you´re talking about.
I sent you a memo last week.
[ Scoffs ] Give me the gist of it.
We need to present next year´s season to the board
in order to qualify for our funding deadlines.
I sent you a memo last week.
Well, I didn´t see it, or I did and I ignored it.
You looking for something in particular?
No, I just -- I need a laugh.
Well, in future, please read my memos.
Richard, my design is a nightmare,
my Ophelia is worse than a nightmare,
and I have no budget.
[ Chuckles ] You have a budget deficit.
[ Laughs ]
Why do you need a season now?
Well, it´s just bureaucratic garbage.
You know, Canada Council funding, that sort of thing.
Oh, Christ, all right! Look, I´ll give you one.
Here. What do you need, nine plays?
[ Sighs ] "Electra," "Pericles,"
"Mother Courage," "Don Carlos" --
There´s a very good part for Ellen --
"The Tempest," "*** in the Cathedral."
One, two, three, four, five, six.
And what else?
How about -- Oh, "Troilus and Cressida."
You haven´t done that in a long time.
And then maybe a commission --
Judith Thompson, a brand-new Canadian play.
Do we dare?
Sounds great.
Good, and then we will have for dessert "Blithe Spirit."
There. A season.
Um, I´m sorry.
I -- What´s after the two Greeks?
GEOFFREY: "Mother Courage."
And, incidentally, "Pericles" was written by Shakespeare.
Right.
Aw, well, look at this little fellow.
Pull his string and he says what?
"Must I hold a candle to my shames?"
Sorry to bother you, Geoffrey.
No, no, no, Richard.
CLAIRE: There´s a daisy.
I would give you some violets,
but they withered all when my father died.
No, I do not understand.
This place absolutely reeks of money!
Yes, but it´s all been designated.
There must be something you can use from Darren´s design.
I seem to recall $17,000 worth of pyrotechnics.
It is "Hamlet"! It´s not "Tommy"!
RICHARD: I´ll do what I can, Geoffrey,
but honest to God, the well has run dry.
The well has run --
CLAIRE: Aah!
Oh, God help me.
Claire fell off the stage.
I´m all right. I´m all right.
It´s just a bruise.
-Aah! -What happened?
She was startled by a lizard.
He ran up my *** leg!
Did someone open the cage door?
Oh, God knows where it is now.
-I´ll call 911. -That won´t be necessary.
-What? -Well, he´s a chameleon.
No, for...
Right. Of course. I´m sorry.
[ Crying ]
A death, a duel, a broken leg.
Perhaps the production is cursed.
[ Speaks indistinctly ]
[ Moaning ]
Oh!
***!
[ Chuckling ] Man.
I owe you some nachos.
This is stupid.
No. Stupid is good. Don´t knock stupid.
Oh, *** Claire.
Oh, my God, forget about her.
She´s probably in a hospital room right now
trying to tear her cast off.
No, no. You think it´s broken?
I don´t know. I hope so.
You hope so because why, exactly?
Because she´s terrible and I hate her
and you´d have to take her place.
No.
No, it doesn´t work like that.
They´d just bring somebody in.
Oh, my God, I would freak right out if they called me.
I would freak out.
I freaked when they called me.
I´ve wanted to be Ophelia ever since I saw Ellen play her.
I was 12.
Really?
Yeah.
I used to dance around the house
with flowers in my hair, singing.
My mom sent me to a therapist.
You saw "Hamlet" when you were 12?
Mm-hmm. And I read it when I was 10.
Man.
Until I was 14, I wouldn´t read anything
unless it was about someone becoming radioactive.
-[ Laughs ] -[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I can just picture you.
Chubby little boy reading comic books under the sheets.
"Star Wars" sheets.
Get out.
I had Wookiees on my pillow.
Get out.
Oh, you were such a loser.
Mmm.
[ Moaning ]
I don´t know if I can.
Use the force, Luke.
[ Telephone ringing ]
[ Imitates Wookiee ]
Mmm.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Maria.
No, it´s okay.
Uh...
Really?
Yeah, well, it looked pretty bad.
Um...
Yeah, she´s here, actually.
Sure.
Hello?
Well, if you want my honest opinion,
it´s an interesting season, from a purely academic point of view.
"Mother Courage," "Pericles."
I doubt that very many of our subscribers even know
that William Shakespeare wrote "Pericles."
[ Light laughter ]
Don´t mean to sound elitist, but anyway...
Once again I find myself
apologizing for Geoffrey Tennant,
but this time I do think his heart´s in the right place,
as mine, however,
is still in the world of not-for-profit theater.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
I did, I must admit, anticipate this eventuality,
and I´ve spent the last few weeks compiling a season
that I think is more consistent
with this board´s vision of the festival.
Holly, would you mind passing out those packets, please?
I think you´ll agree that it´s an exciting season.
As you know, Oliver´s mantra for the last few years
was accessibility,
and I think he would have been thrilled to see three musicals
included in one season.
So, why don´t we take a look?
And when we get back, we´ll talk about it in more detail.
Thank you.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
WOMAN: It´s very interesting.
I think that went well.
-Oh, you were so great. -Yeah?
Wait till they see the revenue projections.
-They´re gonna *** themselves. -Mm-hmm.
There´s still the May factor to deal with.
I don´t think she´s gonna be a problem.
No, no, you have to tell them that I will be meeting with May
to get her feedback on the season
before we submit our grant proposal.
Yeah, but what if somebody finds out
that you didn´t actually go and meet her?
-No, I will be. -Really?
Yeah, you know, keep her in the loop.
Richard, I am not a complete witch.
You know I can´t help but feel a little responsible
for her condition,
and let´s face it -- she´s not long for this world, so...
Mm-hmm.
So, I better patch things up before she slips away.
[ Snorts ]
It´s not like I broke her leg myself.
I don´t know what you´re so upset about.
It was that lizard.
She is in the hospital.
Better there than on the stage.
Oh, I´m trying to help, Geoffrey.
I´m trying to find my place in all this.
And if that means making manifest your secret desires,
then so be it.
My secret desires?
You imagined strangling her yourself a thousand times.
Oh, so, you can read my mind now.
Is that what you´re telling me?
Don´t be ridiculous. I know you.
You would never have fired her.
You would have spent days with her,
trying to squeeze out something resembling a decent performance,
when every other aspect of the production would have suffered.
I did you a favor.
Oliver, I don´t want your favors anymore, all right?
I do not want to come in tomorrow morning
and find Jack buried under a pile of flats.
No. Jack is your Hamlet.
I would never touch him.
You see something in Jack, don´t you, something no one else sees?
You have vision.
I used to have vision. Remember?
It left with my hair.
[ Chuckles ]
Mm.
Why don´t you have a little sleep?
"Care keeps his watch in every old man´s eye,
and where care lodges, sleep will never lie.
But where unbruised youth
with unstuff´d brain doth couch his limbs,
there golden sleep doth reign."
I´m hardly an unbruised youth.
OLIVER: Shh.
Shh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Gasps, moans ]
[ Knock on door ]
Hi. You´re here early.
I bought some bran muffins.
They´re day-olds, but they´re still good.
Do you want one?
Bran? No, thank you.
Uh, but I would like a coffee, black.
Sure. Cream and sugar?
Yeah. Black.
[ Clock ticking ]
Lord, we know what we are, but know not what we might be.
Who said that?
Ophelia.
Welcome, Kate.
[ Applause ]
All right, let´s get started.
Frank, knock-knock.
-Who´s there? -GEOFFREY: Excellent.
First line of the play --
the world´s longest knock-knock joke.
Who´s there, indeed? Who are these people?
Who is Hamlet and Ophelia?
Well, the answer is whoever is playing them.
Now, I want this production to be about us.
So, we´re going to modify the design.
You might say, uh, throw it out.
I want everyone to have a look
through this rack of costume pieces
and find something that you need.
Don´t worry about period.
Shakespeare didn´t care about anachronisms,
so neither should we.
Just find something that says "prince" or "daughter"
or, in Cyril´s case, "queen."
[ Imitates quacking ]
And, Maria, I would very much like
to move the rehearsal alfresco for today
because it is a beautiful day.
All right, go.
MARIA: Great.
No set?
Nope. Some chairs, maybe?
Jesus Christ, Geoffrey, no set, no Hamlet.
It´s going to be quite a show.
Thanks, Ellen. Thanks for caring.
Oh, hey. How much?
-This? -Yeah.
20 bucks.
20 bucks? Phew.
Okay.
Sorry, babe.
Took forever.
I´ll be in in a minute, sweetheart.
-Richard. -Ellen, hey.
I´m sorry. I should have called first.
He´s over 18.
-Ah, okay. -ELLEN: What can I do for you?
I just dropped by to see how things are going.
Well, the sex is incredible.
[ Chuckles ] I meant the rehearsals.
I know, darling.
They´re going as well as can be expected.
-The new Ophelia is a blessing. -Good, good.
And what about Geoffrey?
What about him?
You know what I´m talking about.
Is he ranting and frothing at the mouth? A bit.
He´s unstable. We know that´s been established.
You´re defending him.
Surprising.
He´s my director, like it or not.
He cut the design.
Yes.
And the costumes.
Basically, yes.
You know what I´m talking about, Ellen.
People pay money to see these productions.
They expect to see actors in costumes,
a set, especially in this case.
It´s our flagship production.
What do you want, Richard?
Okay, look, I just want you to know we can postpone,
cancel, even, if necessary.
We´ve done it before, you know,
if it looks as though the production
is not going to be suitable.
"Suitable"? What do you mean, "suitable"?
Not up to our usual standards.
Ellen, don´t get defensive. I´m here to protect you.
Now, I just want you to know you can come and see me
if you think this "Hamlet" is degrading into --
-Into what? -Amateurism.
SLOAN: Come on, babe. The ´za is getting cold.
I have to go.
The ´za is getting cold.
Nay, but you live in the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,
stew´d in corruption.
And -- And you screw in that bed.
Are you done?
Oh, speak to me no more.
These words like daggers enter in mine ears.
What is she doing? She´s up to something.
Uncle Claudius is a murderer and a villain.
She´s testing you. She wants a confrontation.
Stop it!
You want us to stop?
No. Yeah.
Ellen -- [ Chuckles ] You´re not here.
-You´re not in the room. -Sorry.
Polonius is lying dead on the floor.
Your son is accusing you of having murdered your --
I know the story.
GEOFFREY: Okay, well, then, please join us.
ELLEN: Fine.
MARIA: Gertrude. "Oh, speak to me --"
Oh, speak to me no more.
These words like daggers enter in mine ears.
No more, sweet Hamlet.
Uncle Claudius is a murderer and a villain.
Look at her. She´s baiting you.
You´d better deal with this, old boy,
before the situation festers.
Will you please shut up?!
I´m sorry, man. I´m all --
Are you in any condition to do this?
I mean, really, are you?
Because your lunatic babblings are very distracting.
Ellen, you are not participating in the process.
It is very frustrating.
I know. I know. I´m sorry.
I cannot direct you if you refuse to act.
But how do I act in a play that doesn´t exist?
I believe the play has been around for about 400 years.
Yes, but I can´t see it.
We have no set.
And I can´t hear it.
I know the play well enough, but I´m not hearing any of the text.
I mean, what are we doing here, Geoffrey?
Are we putting on "Hamlet"?
Do we even have a Hamlet?
I´m sorry, Jack. I´m sorry.
But we open in nine days, for the love of God.
And I am terrified.
We all are.
We are absolutely terrified!
Ellen, when you start coming to rehearsals on time
and when you stop sending Maria out for cookie and coffee runs
and when you stop interrupting scene work
so you can dash out for a quick ***
and when you start showing your fellow actors
just the tiniest bit of respect,
then I will be thrilled to listen to you.
But until such time,
you will please resist the urge of speaking for the group!
***!
Maria?
MARIA: Five minutes, everyone.
[ Groans lightly ]
Is this not a good time?
-What? -It´s about the budget.
It´s been a battle. I don´t mind telling you.
But we´ve come up with a compromise.
What?
We don´t have to talk about this now.
Richard, I don´t want to kill you,
but I will if you do not get to the point.
Fine.
We´re gonna cannibalize the preview period
and rebook the theater for a series of corporate events.
No previews.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
Just one dress rehearsal, and then we open?
Are you insane?
You saw what happened in there.
You expect me to go back in there and tell these people
that they just lost seven preview performances?!
I knew this was a bad time.
All right, let´s see if he can do it.
Please.
Maria?
[ Inhales ]
Are we back, Geoffrey?
Jack -- three, one.
Okay, act three, scene one, Claudius and Polonius.
No, just Jack.
We´re gonna run the soliloquy.
Okay.
This one scares you, yeah?
Yeah, it scares the *** out of me.
Why? You know it.
Yeah, of course I know it. Everybody knows it.
-That´s the problem. -Why?
Because when I say, "To be or not to be?"
the audience will be hearing
every -- every great actor who ever spoke those words.
They´ll hear Olivier and Burton, or you.
More likely Mel Gibson, but...
When I say those lines, they won´t be in the play anymore.
Mm-hmm.
They´ll just be watching some guy acting.
Yeah.
Me, specifically.
-This is a problem? -Yeah, that´s a *** problem.
Because you´d just be a guy acting, and Hamlet isn´t?
No.
Well...yeah, he is, kind of, in a way.
Okay. So, Hamlet is just acting.
Is that what you´re saying?
Well, yeah, I mean, you know, he acts like he´s crazy,
that antic disposition.
But then, no, not really.
All right, you have got to be specific.
In this scene -- act three, scene one --
does Hamlet know that Claudius and Polonius are spying on him?
I don´t know.
You have to know.
If Hamlet is aware of their presence
when you speak these particularly famous words,
you´re performing for the guy who killed your father
and for a meddling old fool,
both of whom are hidden in this room.
But if you don´t know they´re here,
then your audience is you and those people in the seats.
But you have to decide.
-Now? -Right now.
Right now.
And you can keep the decision to yourself if you want to,
but you have to decide.
Claudius and Polonius, please.
Jesus.
Jack, listen to me,
there are a lot of people here
who don´t think you can pull this thing off.
I think they´re wrong, but you have to do it.
And you have to do it right now.
And you have to do it with the text.
So, let´s go.
Do what you do. Act.
[ Exhales ]
To be or not to be?
That is the question.
Whether ´tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
or to take arms against a sea of troubles
and, by opposing, end them.
To die, to sleep, no more.
And by a sleep, to say we end the heartache
and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
´Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish´d.
To die, to sleep,
to sleep, perchance to dream.
Ay, there´s the rub,
for, in that sleep of death,
what dreams may come
when we have shuffled off this mortal coil
must give us pause.
There´s the respect that makes calamity of so long life...
for who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
the oppressor´s wrong, the proud man´s contumely,
the pangs of despised love, the law´s delay,
the insolence of office,
and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes
when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Who would fardels bear,
to grunt and sweat under a weary life,
but that the dread of something after death,
the undiscover´d country
from whose bourn no traveller returns,
puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all.
And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o´er
with the pale cast of thought.
And enterprises of great pith and moment, with this regard,
their currents turn awry and lose the name of action.
But soft, you, now.
The fair Ophelia.
Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remember´d.
[ Chuckles ]
That was great.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well done. Well done.
Thank you.
We lost all our previews.
What?
WOMAN: Would Edward Stevens please report to the front desk?
Edward Stevens.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-This is kind of freaky. -These rehearsals...
Hello, everybody.
Here we go.
Well -- [ Clears throat ]
We only have one dress rehearsal,
which is not great, but it´s okay,
because, as the saying goes, a bad dress means...
-A good opening. -A good opening.
Exactly. So, we are protected, aren´t we?
We´re protected, to a certain extent, by a cliché.
No, I´m sorry.
Uh, this is actually going to be a nightmare.
It is going to have that sickly, sickly feeling
of playing to an empty house,
except for a couple of ushers and maybe a sympathetic lizard.
But there´s no avoiding it, so just find your light,
say your lines,
and if you can´t find your light,
shout your lines from the shadows.
Get through it as best you can,
and we´ll try and fix who needs fixing tomorrow.
It is going to be frightening.
Have a good show.
Oh, you know, there is one, uh --
one encouraging thing that I can say, and it´s --
I just happen to believe that this play
is the single greatest achievement in Western art.
We got that much going for us.
I am the center of my universe.
All things revolve around me.
My power is beyond measure.
I am God.
Please turn tape.
You should know better than that.
What are we at?
Just approaching the half-hour.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, I did try to explain, but he was very persistent.
Well, that can be an attractive quality
given the right circumstance.
Don´t be mad.
I will leave you now?
Yes, you will, please.
-I have to get ready. -SLOAN: I know.
I just wanted to say, you know, good luck with the opening.
ELLEN: It´s not the opening, dear. It´s the dress.
The what?
I explained this to you before. Look, those are for me, right?
Yeah, the guy said they´re yellow roses.
They´re beautiful. Thank you. I have to get ready. Sorry.
And I got you a present.
[ Exhales ] That´s so sweet. Thank you.
-SLOAN: Open it. -I can´t.
I have to get ready. I´ll open it later.
No, I want to see your face when you open it.
ELLEN: Honey, I have to get ready.
I´m very tense, really.
You have no idea what´s involved.
SLOAN: Okay, I´ll just tell you.
It´s a Game Boy.
I don´t know what that is, dear.
Um, it´s a Game Boy.
So, you can play it between scenes or whatever, you know?
Thank you so much. That´s so sweet.
I have to go now ´cause I´m gonna cry.
Don´t worry. You´ll be great.
-I know it. -Thank you, sweetie.
Oh, oh, careful.
Go away.
Sorry.
MARIA: Half-hour. This is your half-hour call.
ELLEN: ***!
***!
Good show, Geoff.
Oh, oh, um, I was -- I was looking for Maria,
but I´ll just ask you.
-Act four, scene five. -Mm-hmm.
Um, "So full of artless jealousy is guilt.
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt."
Enter up left?
Right. I mean, yes.
Okay, um, and, "By Gis and --"
-Saint Charity. -Thank you.
-Uh, to the mark by the riser? -Yeah.
And "Good night, sweet ladies. Good night. Good night" --
exit up center.
That´s it. You´re gonna be great.
Okay. Thank you. [ Chuckles nervously ]
[ Laughs ] Jack´s bucket?
-Yes. It´s good. -Yeah.
It will relax him.
It´s kind of nasty for you, though.
Eh. If I were bothered by vomit, I would not work in the theater.
[ Laughs ]
ELLEN: Oh, God. Send him away!
I just wanted to say break a leg.
[ Sighs ] Too late for that now.
You, too, Geoff.
MARIA: This is your five-minute call.
Five minutes to the top of the show.
Hey, sorry again, man.
-Ugh. -RICHARD: Hey.
Just wanted to say have a good show.
Oh, hey. Thanks, man.
Sorry, I´m pretty freaked right now, to tell you the truth.
RICHARD: Oh, I´m sure you are, Jack.
I know things have been kind of -- kind of crazy.
But I just wanted to say, you know, don´t worry.
Nobody expects you to become a classical actor.
You´re a movie star, and that´s the truth of it.
It´s like Geoffrey says, right?
You´ll sell us out no matter what,
so just go out there and have fun, you know?
[ Sighs ]
House lights out. Go.
[ Metal clinking ]
Hello, dear.
How we feeling today? Good.
Listen, um, I know that in your present condition,
you will be unable to attend the upcoming board meeting.
And I know how badly you want to be kept in the loop.
So, I thought I´d drop by and do my presentation for you.
Ready?
Ta-da!
Presenting Shakespeareville.
Let me introduce you to a dream.
It´s a dream of a theatrical wonderland
where middle-income families
can come and enjoy the world of theater
in a non-threatening atmosphere of accessibility and comfort.
It´s a dream of theme hotels
and fudge shops with clerks in costumes
and high-quality, big-budget theatrical productions --
three stages running touring productions
of Broadway´s hottest hits twice daily,
an expanded and modernized main-stage facility
devoted exclusively to musicals,
and, uh, two smaller stages for those who like the classics.
This is a dream of a New Burbage, transformed.
We can make this dream a reality.
We must.
We owe it to the visionaries who came before us,
to Oliver Welles
and to our own dear, sweet May Silverstone.
This is what she would have wanted.
Let this be her legacy.
[ Beeping ]
And then I switch to PowerPoint.
Any comments?
[ Whimpers ]
What´s that?
[ Exhales heavily ]
[ Clears throat ]
MARIA: Good dress, everyone.
Tomorrow, as you know, is opening night.
Whole cast and crew 10:00 tomorrow morning --
That´s 10:00 a.m. -- for notes and a partial run-through.
There will be a lot to cover,
so thank you in advance for your patience.
That was fantastic, man.
Hey. Not bad, huh? [ Chuckles ]
Hey, we got through it.
JACK: ***!
Jack?
Subtitling made possible by RLJ Entertainment
[ Piano plays intro to "Call the Understudy" ]
♫ Call the understudy, I can´t go on tonight ♫
♫ I´m drinking with my buddy, I´m getting good and tight ♫
♫ Before they raise the curtain, I´ll be higher than a kite ♫
♫ So, call the understudy, I can´t go on tonight ♫
♫ Tell the cast and crew to break a leg ♫
♫ Break a leg ♫
♫ Roll me out another bloody keg ♫
♫ Bloody keg ♫
♫ I need to ease the pain that life can bring ♫
♫ Life can bring ♫
♫ And liquor is what will hit the spot ♫
♫ The play is not the thing ♫
♫ So, call the understudy, I think it´s only right ♫
♫ My diction will be muddy, I´ll never find my light ♫
♫ Before the intermission, I´ll be *** on a sprite ♫
♫ So, call the understudy ♫
-♫ I can´t go on ♫ -♫ He can´t go on ♫
-♫ I won´t go on ♫ -♫ He shan´t go on ♫
♫ I can´t go on tonight ♫
♫ Damn right ♫