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If you haven't felt the pinch yet, you will soon.
As of today, the average cost of a pack of cigarettes has gone up to
2 handjobs and a stick of beef jerky.
For more, we're going on to Onion News Network
Prison Economics Expert, Hal Rogen.
Hal, I never thought I'd see the day when cigarettes cost more than one ***.
Why the sudden spike now?
Well, most analysts are tracing it back to the brother's pop off at St. Quinton, Friday.
The lock down that resulted there cut cigarette imports up to 66%
across the West Coast System.
That's a much steeper drop off than anyone saw it coming.
Oh, you better believe it. But of course,
we shouldn't discount the recent influx of punks at Chino.
According to reports, more than 80% of these were official 'greeners',
willing to give 2 handjobs and a stick of beef jerky for a pack of rollies.
And their rejuberance is what's causing the increases we're seeing
in so many other sectors today, from baby oil, to trazors,
to chess sets, condoms, bars of soap.
Yes, yes. Absolutely. Look, the prison economy runs on cigarettes.
They're involved in every economic transaction at some stage.
From contract killings, to naked woman picture acquisition.
That's why we've got shampoo at 6 batteries.
We've got tattoos at 50 commissary stamps.
Slocks at a steak and a *** bag. - That's incredible.
How nervous are investors at this point?
Well, it's hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves,
to never show fear. - Of course.
But really, there were a lot of jitters across the market this morning,
after reports came that the impending Chiva deal
between Rico Perez and Bones Goreman was called off,
after Pigeon told Hacks to put Bones on *** watch.
Now, for what it's really like out there on the market,
let's check in with major cigarette trader, Big Dap Ramirez.
Big Dap, nice to see you again. - Thanks.
It's real good to see you. What's happening Hal?
How's it going Big Dap?
Now, it's obviously a boom time time for cigarettes, right now.
I'm getting a lot of handjobs.
But with prices this high, analysis shows your gonna be seeing a drop off in real sales
as soon as consumers turn to smoking grass ***
Look, we've been through this before.
The market teaches us not to panic.
To follow anything in this game, is that a wife or girlfriend
will pass off a few decks in a bone yard.
Supply will normalize. And we'll see cigarettes returning
to a single *** or less. - Let's hope so.
You say Dap, on the interim, what are investors, like yourself, supposed to do?
All I can say is, monitor your assets carefully.
This morning, I got stabbed with a sharpened toothbrush by this *** Jango,
who tried to crib my supply. I *** him up bad in the library,
but hey, that's the way the markets gonna be for awhile.
It is. - Alright Big Dap, best of luck to you.
We'll keep checking in on the story with Hal, throughout the day.
Thanks Rick.
Moving on to some happier news, in Atlanta today,
two snitches were beaten to death.