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Shut Up! Cartoons, bro
Huh, what's up?
You're not going to believe this, kid, but some guy on the bus just said I
was gay! Me! Can you believe that?
Well, are you?
What? No! I'm not gay'-- But just in case, for legal reasons, how would
I prove that?
Well, the only way to be 100% sure, you know, for legal purposes, is to
have a DNA test.
Hmmm?
But this is stupid. You're not gay. It's probably just that purple
shirt you're wearing. Dipster?
Oh no. No no no no!
Relax. I just borrowed Dr. Baxter from the community college down the
street.
If he's a good boy and does exactly as he's told, there's no need
to resort to the childish and extreme violence I'm known for.
Dipster, this is ridiculous!
Jerry said I'm gay!
Who's Jerry?
The guy from the bus. Look, that's not important.
You sure you're qualified to test for the gay gene?
Have you ever thought about what would happen if the test came back
positive?
What do you mean, kid?
Well the problem is, those DNA tests are very accurate. Even if
you've seen a wiener in the shower at the gym or something, it
would know. It. Would. Know.
So, we should probably set Dr. Baxter free and just forget about
this whole thing.
Or--
Dear Burt Reynolds, I am Tommy, an 8-year-old boy who has cancer. The
doctors say that the only chance I have is if you send me a little bit
of DNA from your world-famous mustache to fight the cancerous DNA
in my bloodstream. Please help me, you are my only hope. Cough cough,
I feel myself getting weaker by the moment -- Sincerely, Billy.
And what is the point of this?
Because, stupid, when Reynolds sends me the DNA from his mustache,
the non-gayest mustache in the world,
Then the good Dr. Will test that DNA instead, and I'll be in the
clear!
Have you even thought about the fact that Burt Reynolds is
super busy shooting big-budget Hollywood movies and attending
award ceremonies?
Yeah, but I have cancer!
No ya don't!
Irregardless, kid, I can wait. Right, Doc?
It's here! It's here! I knew he would write back!
Go on, read it!
Dear Jeremy, I am sorry to hear that you have cancer, but I am not
about to lend out my world-famous mustache DNA to any jerk with a sob
story and a quack medical procedure they want to have in Paraguay. I've
protected the DNA in this mustache for over 40 years. Rest assured, it
could easily cure the cancer festering in your sickly bones. But
will it? Never. Have fun in hell, your hero, Burt Reynolds.
I've been trying to tell you! The procedure you were suggesting does
not exist! Furthermore, you ignored me when I tried to tell you that
you really do have cancer! If we had gone in the hospital 5 months
ago, we would have been able to treat it. Now, I fear it is too
late.
Yo, Dip, youse said you got somethin' you wanted to show me?
Oh, Jerry... Hey.
This isn't about the time that I called ya gay, right? Haha, I was
jus' bustin' your chops!