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Why does people have to get naked and sexy on TV shows while really unnecessary?
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OPINION: What kind of person would go on a show like "Naked Attraction"?
You know the show I mean right? It's the one where men and women line up, naked, in perspex boxes. Then a person is brought in to judge, by willy or boom-boom view alone, which one of them they'd like to date.
I don't know what happens after that because of the record scratch noise in my head usually drowns out all rational thought.
Now, I'm no prudish, ***-shaming, moral-majority Hyacinth "Boo-Kay" type, but what the hell was that production brainstorming session like?
It's hard to comprehend how anyone would participate in, let alone sign off on such a cracked idea. Right?
And then some bright spark fresh out of the Channel 4 Bright Sparks programme, looking to make a name for his or herself in the cutthroat world of truly terrible telly, goes: "***?"
"Right, game shows and reality TV. We've done dancing, we've done jungles, we've done dating and we've done baking... what's next?"
That's right, *** are next. Judging the old Jolly Roger. Perusing the peen. Inspecting the little inspector.
And lady gardens, too. We must be equal opportunity about whose bodies we visually vivisect on national TV.
I mean, I just have so many questions about how a show The Guardian called "apocalyptic" got past the "sounds of crickets chirruping, too embarrassed to make eye contact" stage.
Off the top of my head: did the bright spark who thought the show up say "***"? Or were they one of those modern types who doesn't need euphemisms to talk about the human body? Did they, in fact, say "penises and vaginas"?
Honestly, I doubt they said "vaginas" out loud. An article about the show in the Daily Mail couldn't even print the word, so...
What the Daily Mail did manage to squeak out amid its blushes and hand waving was that the "season opener showed no less that 363 female genitalia shots and 166 *** shots in its first episode alone".
My take away from those figures is that one time someone got paid to watch TV and count frou-frou. All time career high right there.
In a desperate bid to led the show an air of credibility, a spokesperson for the production told the Daily Mail it was actually a science show. Like Blue Planet, but for genitals.
"In an increasingly complicated dating world, some evolutionary psychologists and *** scientists believe that our bodies alone may still project the best information for us to select a successful partner," the spokesperson totally made up on the spot.
"Whilst we are socially conditioned not to judge people on their looks, could reversing the dating process and judging someone purely on their naked form actually offer us the best chance of finding a suitable mate?" - Short answer: No, you muppet.
Cut the baloney, Channel 4! You want an easy audience. You know human beings are basically pervs who can't walk away from a spectacle. Put those two things together and badda bing, badda boom - ***. At least be honest about it.
And while we're being honest, lets own up to how much people want to be seen these days, how much we're all craving attention, even the vaguely clammy handed attention offered by a show like this.
Without getting too hand-wringy, you can draw a line from over sharing on social media to publicly, desperately oversharing on shows like this, and hit every single reality TV show that's ever been on the way.
*** Sapien will always find a way to get naked on TV in Prime Time. That's just how we roll.
Look, I don't want anyone to stop making shows like this or "Sex Box" (you forgot about that one, didn't you?), or even the most ill thought out TV game show show of all time, "Naked Jungle".
It's good to explore what our boundaries are about sex and bodies and morality. But let's at least call it was it is: plain, old fashioned, thoroughly human exhibitionism, meeting plain, old fashioned, thoroughly human voyeurism.
It's not a choice I'd ever make, or even encourage if someone were to ask my advice, but it's not that weird a choice when you think about it. Part of me even admires it. Who wouldn't want to be that at ease with their body?
Maybe that's answer enough for my initial question.
In fact, you know what kind of person goes on a show like "Naked Attraction"? A human one, mate.