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Believe me, this hurts you
a lot more than it hurts me.
Don't worry.
You'll be okay.
- [Speaking French]
- French unit, sir.
Got mortared.
Okay.
You're gonna be okay.
North Korean pilot, Doctor.
Bullet wound in the shoulder.
Your shoulder's going to be fine.
But I'd hold off throwing
the curve ball a while.
Doctor, can you tell me
how long it's gonna be?
- I got orders to get this guy outta here.
- Soon as his infection clears up.
The R.
O.
K.
Troops must have
stopped sterilizing their bullets.
- Salut.
- [Man] Salut.
[Speaking French]
Ah.
This is one of our doctors,
Major Winchester.
- Martine Le Clerc.
- How do you do?
- Ah Bonjour.
- Bonjour, Doctor.
Miss Le Clerc is a volunteer
with the International Red Cross.
Ah.
A touch of Gallic loveliness is just
the prescription for these boys
not to mention their doctors.
[Chuckling]
Your man is right over here, Major.
- Excuse me, sir.
This man's a prisoner of war.
- Not anymore.
Major Reddish is in charge
of Lieutenant Chong-Wha Park as of now.
By orders of General Mark Clark.
From here on, you answer to me.
Congratulations, Chong-Wha.
How's it feel to be
America's newest war hero?
- You read me, son?
- He doesn't understand loud English either.
But we have a farmer up the road
who translates for us a lot.
Negative, Colonel.
I've already sent
to H.
Q.
For an official interpreter.
We can't trust such a highly
sensitive diplomatic matter
to some oxcart driver.
- What's up, Colonel?
- Major Reddish is here to award Lieuten
Uh, if you don't mind, Colonel,
I'd like to tell it.
Chong-Wha here has just won himself
a $100,000 reward.
A hundred G's, son.
$100,000 for what?
On April 27, General Mark Clark
head of United States Forces, Far East
offered $50,000 American
to any and all enemy pilots
landing a Soviet-built jet
in good condition in friendly territory.
Plus an additional 50 big ones
to the one who's first.
I think I signed up
on the wrong side.
And he also gets a free trip to the States
plus American citizenship.
Way things are going, soon there'll be
a prize in every hand grenade.
Major Reddish is General Clark's Assistant
Chief of Public Information
Uh, Colonel, please.
Let me get a word in.
Now then.
I can't take credit
for coming up with this idea.
General Clark himself figured that the war
needed a shot in the propaganda.
It's been getting harder and harder
to sell this war to the folks back home.
That's what happens when you
spend everything on weapons
and nothing on advertising.
Right.
We figured just what we needed
was a couple of good turncoats
to get the public behind us again.
Thanks to
Lieutenant Chong-Wha here
- [Clicks Tongue] we got it.
- [Clicks Tongue] Thank God.
Hi, ladies.
Allow me to introduce myself.
- I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
- Pleased to meet you, Capitaine.
- Oh, you're French.
I've been
wearing your cuffs for years.
- Oh, Pierce.
There's nothing like the way a French accent
fits into an American ear.
- It's ladies' night.
- Well, I know when I'm not wanted.
What does it take for you
to get the message?
Well, looks like
you have the crucial vote.
[Speaking French]
But after all, we are talking.
- Please excuse us.
- Okay, okay.
Fine.
Fine.
But if you're gonna change your mind,
you better hurry.
Offer expires midnight Saturday.
This Hawkeye, he is a doctor?
Mmm.
A lot of people around here
find him irresistible, including himself.
[Laughing]
He acts very much
a little boy, doesn't he?
Oh, believe me.
He's not acting.
You know what's wrong
with this war?
Yeah.
The French aren't on my side.
Not enough heroes.
But Chong-Wha's gonna take care of that.
For $100,000 plus transportation.
Charles, did you realize
that for only a few thousand dollars
your father could sponsor
a Korean deserter?
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you gentlemen
will excuse me.
You're wasting your time.
Take it from
someone who's met the French "resistance.
"
- Good evening.
- Hello, Major.
Please sit here.
Ah.
Thank you.
[Under Breath] # Hmm-hmm #
What did he try that I didn't?
Maybe sincerity.
Sincerity.
I could fake that.
So you like the museums of Paris.
Yes.
Especially the Jeu De Paume.
Spent half my time there.
Incroyable, n'est-ce pas?
I much prefer it to the Louvre.
I love the impressionists.
[Speaking French]
Excuse me.
W-What was that?
I didn't understand that.
Oh, I say it is a
It is a nice place to go when one is in love.
Oh.
You know, when I was
seven years old
my father was stationed
in Fort Bliss.
That's in Texas.
And my mother used to take me
to the art museum in El Paso.
Eh How cultural.
When I realized that I was
actually looking at Monet's
Peace Beneath the Lilac Trees the real
thing, not some processed print in an art book
I was overwhelmed.
I hate to break this up,
but I really have to go.
Oh.
I'm so sorry, Major.
I'm afraid I have been impolite.
It's okay.
No problem.
Good night.
It's okay.
No problem.
Good night.
I hope she's not mad with me,
Major "Houligan.
"
[Chuckles]
It's Houlihan, and
how could anyone
be angry with you?
- Major.
- Please.
Uh
Call me Charles.
Charles, let me tell you
of one experience
that was even more
memorable for me.
Yes.
It was soon after the war
and Paris was once again
the City of Light.
Some friends and I
decided to treat the occasion
with the grandeur it deserved.
We got dressed as elegantly
as we were able
and we hired a carriage
to take us to the concert.
And this tribute
was inspired by who, Toscanini?
Uh, Heifetz?
- No.
Spike Jones.
- Spike Jones?
Charles, Spike,
he makes me laugh.
He's fun.
Surely there must be
some silliness that makes you laugh.
- No.
- No.
Are you familiar with Tom and Jerry?
- The cat and mouse in the cartoon?
- Uh-huh.
It just
[Laughs]
It just kills me when Tom runs right off
a kitchen table but doesn't fall.
So he just hangs there in midair,
his little feet going furiously.
And then he looks down
and suddenly [Imitating Fall And Crash]
[Both Laughing]
Don't you dare tell a soul.
[Laughing]
Good heavens,
we have talked all night.
I'm due in post-op
in half an hour.
[Speaks French] Where did the time go?
You will be so tired.
Oh, no.
Quite the contrary.
I feel quite refreshed.
Well, he wasn't in his bed all night,
so where else could he have been?
Come now, Hawkeye.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
[No Audible Dialogue]
On the other hand
Don't worry, Father.
I'm sure there's a
perfectly sordid explanation for all this.
That joie de vivre of hers might be
just the thing to oil his hinges.
Your translator is here, sir.
This is Joon-Sung Yu.
- Well, it's about time.
- Put her there, Major.
And so, on behalf of Mark Clark
you will be awarded $100,000
and U.
S.
Citizenship.
Oh.
[Speaking Korean]
[Speaking Korean]
Mark Clark
[Korean]
He says this is a mistake.
He had engine trouble,
thought he was in the north
and put his MIG down
on the first road he saw.
He wasn't trying to be a hero.
He was trying to
as I believe you would say,
to to save his ***.
That's close
to the way we'd say it, yeah.
He says he wants to go home.
Never heard of Mark Clark.
And you can keep your money.
This is a disaster.
This is the biggest
P.
R.
Project of the whole war
and it's slipping through my fingers.
I don't believe this.
Yesterday, he was shooting at us.
Now you're offering him a fortune
to go to the States.
What about all our guys who'd be
thrilled to go home for nothing?
Tell the ungrateful fool
he can forget about home.
He either goes to the States
or he's a prisoner of war.
[Speaking Korean]
[Speaking Korean]
He says if those are his choices
he prefers to become
a prisoner of war.
- Bonjour.
- It's bonsoir now.
Ah, yes, indeed.
You're You're right.
- Uh, these are for you.
- Merci.
- They are quite, um
- Scraggly?
Oui.
But lovely scraggly.
They're the nicest I could find without
actually going into the minefield.
They'll look a great deal better
if you would share this with me.
Chateau Petrus?
Formidable.
- Yes? May l
- Mm-hmm.
Direct from the Pomerol,
via Geller Brothers' Liquors
on Commonwealth Avenue
in Boston.
Uh
- Voila.
- [Giggles]
Uh, Martine
There's something
I want to say to you
and I'm afraid I don't, um
quite know how to do it.
You could try looking at me.
This may sound strange
since you've only
been here a few days.
Nevertheless, in that time
I've come to feel
as much for you
as any woman I've ever met.
Here.
To, um
To you.
To us.
Charles, l I know your feeling
because I have not felt that close
to a man for more than a year.
That's when Robert died.
Oh.
I see.
We were four years together
on the Boulevard Montparnasse
from the day he carried me
over the threshold of our apartment
until the end came.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, ca va.
The memories are still alive.
But I was thinking
I would not feel that close
to a man again.
But now I know you
I think, perhaps, it is possible.
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me, Nurse.
I know it's early for visiting hours.
I I was wondering if I could,
uh, talk to, uh, Lieutenant Chong-Wha.
I really don't think so.
Ah.
Oh, by the way.
I I thought you might
appreciate these.
Wow.
Silk.
Thank you, sir.
[Snaps Fingers]
Morning.
Chong-Wha, all this
fine American merchandise is for you.
- [Speaking Korean]
- Philco portable.
Simulated leather case.
Eversharp Schick
pen and pencil set
with retractable ballpoint pen.
- [Continues in Korean]
- Electric razor.
Settings for any type of beard.
This handsome pinstripe
suit with two two pair of pants.
[Speaking Korean]
The Lieutenant appreciates
your generosity
but he still wants to
remain in his own country.
Major.
This patient's chart doesn't call for
bribes at 6:00 in the morning.
Captain, I got permission
from your nurse to come in here.
Well, the stockings
didn't quite fit my conscience.
Here.
Now leave him alone.
Why are you guys so damn gung ho
to take this ***'s side?
Don't you see
what a sham this is?
You try to package this whole war
like a box of cornflakes.
Keep it going
with the old hard sell.
"Push, pull, click, click.
Change sides that quick.
"
You really want a guy
leading a parade down Broadway
with his arm twisted
behind his back?
Look, fellas.
I'd like to have a hero who loves us.
That was my first choice.
But if I have to,
I'll settle for one who hates us.
Who the hell's gonna
know the difference anyway?
The jerk doesn't even
speak the language.
We're gonna know.
And since we're his doctors,
we're not releasing him until he's ready.
I'm due at H.
Q.
To brief General Clark on this situation.
When I get back, I'm bringing
his personal physician
to authorize Lieutenant
Chong-Wha's release.
So you just stay here.
And you two,
take real good care of our boy.
I'm not usually this upset
till 9:00 or 10:00.
What do you say
we get some coffee?
- Yeah.
You want some coffee? Come on.
- Thank you.
It's a nice break for you
to get away from Reddish for a while.
It isn't easy shoveling manure
in two languages.
I don't think Major Reddish
is such a bad man.
What he's offering
the lieutenant is a better life.
Maybe.
But he doesn't
seem to think so.
Sometimes a person can look at a good thing
and doesn't even know it.
I was saying that
to a nurse just last night.
Do you know
- I was once in a painting very much like this.
- You were? Really?
Mm-hmm.
I had a friend,
Phillipe.
He was an artist.
One day we went
to the countryside near Honfleur
and I posed for a painting which he called,
uh [Speaking French]
[Mutters]
What does that mean?
- Nude at the Picnic.
- Ah.
You posed nude?
[Giggles]
Wonderfully French of you.
I had a wonderful time
with that painting.
Phillipe, he owed quite
a bit of money at a bistro
on the Boulevard Saint-Michel.
To pay it back,
he gave them the painting.
I used to enjoy eating at the table
underneath the painting.
And And I would watch the people
look from the painting
to me, and then back again.
[Laughs]
Didn't your husband mind your posing nude?
Or was this before you were married?
I was never married.
[Laughs]
Even if Robert was my husband,
he would not mind.
You weren't married.
Uh
I understood you to say
that you shared an apartment.
Yes.
But I don't want to
talk about Robert.
It still makes me sad.
And this is a time
for happiness, huh?
When the war is finished
I would like to come
to your country.
It would be so nice
to meet your family
your sister,
your father and mother.
This seat taken?
- Uh, no.
- Uh, garcon, a whiskey and water.
- How 'bout a refill, Winchester?
- No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
What's the matter? Your lady friend
busy Red Crossing tonight?
Uh, yeah.
Yes.
I can understand your attraction
for mademoiselles.
I knew my share
back in the first World War.
'Course, that was P.
M
pre-Mildred.
One I'll never forget was Danielle.
She was an older woman of 20.
She worked in
the boulangerie in Soissons.
She was very sophisticated.
At least I thought she was because
she could pronounce boulangerie.
We spent the better part of
the Battle of the Marne
hanging on to one another
behind the bread racks.
Wonderful woman.
Made me feel safe.
To this day,
Mildred can't understand
why I get misty-eyed
every time I crack open French bread.
Can't understand it.
Well, hello, little lady.
Say, did you ever find yourself
in the town of Soissons?
Uh, yes.
Why do you ask?
Oh, you remind me
of an old friend from there.
How nice.
- Well, sit down.
- Thank you.
Uh
I guess you finished
your chores all right, huh?
I was not working.
I was waiting for a friend
who was supposed to come visit.
I'm very sorry, Martine.
I'm not feeling very well.
I thought I'd stop in for a drink before
I go to bed.
Might help me sleep.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Well, it's nothing very serious.
Colonel Potter's
been very nice company.
If you'll excuse me, please.
Oh, Charles, leaving so soon?
- And so alone?
- Shut up.
If you boys don't have
a better offer
why don't you come and join us?
Thank you, Colonel.
You don't mind if we sit in?
- Please excuse me.
- Oh, if we're intruding, we
No, no.
I would just like
to have a drink.
Stay put.
I can get curb service.
No, thank you.
- Is she okay?
- Beats me.
So what's the latest on the tug-of-war
over the North Korean pilot?
Unfortunately,
Major Reddish is winning.
He's coming back tomorrow
to get Chong-Wha.
Too bad.
I hate to see any fellow
human being, even the enemy
in the clutches of a P.
R.
Man.
You know, uh, I don't
think she's coming back.
If Winchester's
giving her the gate
I hope he knows
what he's doing.
Sometimes a man can have an awfully good
thing staring him right in the face
and not even know it.
You know, you're the second
person who's said that to me today.
Okay, I'll hold.
He's ringing him right now.
Hello, Major Reddish?
Captain Pierce
would like to talk to you.
Major? Sorry to bother you
at this late hour.
I just wanted to congratulate you
as soon as I heard the news.
Yeah, that's right.
You got yourself a hero.
I don't know how.
Could be the picture of Rita Hayworth
the guys in post-op were passing around.
I know she always makes me wanna go home.
To mine or hers.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
How's first thing in the morning?
We'll have him all ready for you.
[Knocking]
Yes?
How are you feeling?
Fine.
Oh, better.
Thank you.
Charles, have you
a moment to speak?
- Could it wait?
- No.
I must leave tomorrow.
And I would like to know
what has happened between us.
- Nothing's happened.
- Charles.
Please don't treat me
like a child.
I can see that you are
different since the picnic
when we were talking
about the future
and all the wonderful times
we would have together.
And now all of a sudden,
you are very much distant.
There's no sense getting into this.
What makes no sense is to finish
the kind of relationship we had
without knowing why.
Martine, we are simply
not compatible.
When we were alone last night,
we were not "compatible"?
[Whispering]
Yes.
We were.
But, uh
this isn't Boston.
I don't understand.
Martine
My family is very conventional.
They could never understand
the life you've lived
your bohemian way.
They couldn't accept it.
What matters is, can you accept it?
No.
I can't.
I'm sorry.
But no.
And there's nothing I can do.
I can't change who I am.
Charles, you make me very sad.
But I am not nearly
so sad for me as I am for you.
Me?
You know, I told you earlier that I was not
attracted to your friend Hawkeye
because he was too much
a little boy.
Yes.
I can see now that
you are not enough of one.
Good-bye.
Yeah! Better be hittin' the road.
I got photographers
waiting at Kimpo
and a press conference in Tokyo.
- All set for you, Major.
- Thank you, Captain.
Lieutenant Chong-Wha's
picture's gonna be on the front page
of every paper in the U.
S.
Of A.
Click, click.
What the hell is this?
- Well, the uniform's big, but that can be taken in.
- You were.
- Pierce, where's my man?
- He's on his way to a P.
O.
W.
Camp.
He's got no business there.
I want my North Korean.
- What's wrong with him?
- He is a South Korean.
North, South.
Without a program,
it's hard to tell.
Look, this guy
wants to go to the States.
I have no family.
I am not a combat soldier,
so the army won't miss me.
- You stay out of this.
- Joon-Sung is the perfect hero.
He speaks fluent English, loves hot dogs,
knows American history better than we do.
Besides, he's cute as the dickens.
You don't want some guy who's gonna be
sticking his tongue out at America.
You want a happy turncoat.
Listen, face it, Major.
This man is gonna be great P.
R.
Just run him up the flagpole
and watch them salute.
I refuse to lie.
And you call yourself a P.
R.
Man.
I am a soldier first.
I won't lie without orders.
If you're gonna start throwing the truth
around, you'd better hurry.
You put this story
on the wire last night.
John Cameron Swayze is already
hop-scotching it around the world.
[Hawkeye]
Hoist by your own P.
R.
Are we going to America,
or aren't we?
Let's get this show on the road.
You know
we might just blow this by 'em.
Now you're talkin' your language.
- So long, Doctors.
- Good luck, Joon-Sung.
- Don't drink the water over there.
- Thanks for everything!
[Laughing]
Good luck.
I think he'll make a great hero.
- As long as nobody asks him to fly a plane.
- Yeah.
By now, Joon-Sung's probably pulling
ticker tape out of his hair.
Yeah.
Pretty soon he'll be eating cheeseburgers,
looking for a split-level
and cheating on his income tax.
I feel kind of sorry
for Chong-Wha.
I know it's what he wants, but a P.
O.
W.
Camp
isn't exactly a day at the beach.
Well, maybe our going-away
gift'll cheer him up a little.