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Previously on
Bree's affair with her
contractor broke new ground.
Perhaps we could make
you dinner.
Like a date?
I can't wait till I ow up so
I can have beautiful things.
Gaby doted on her
biological daughter grace.
Looking who's missing
her big sister.
Lynette had too much on her hands.
Get me a nanny.
Susan found that keeping
her new job a secret
My partners are not
gonna eat the cost.
$9,000?
Was going to be expensive.
But her secret had
already been discovered.
Emma Graham was an ordinary woman.
And like most ordinary women,
she had an extraordinary dream.
She wanted her husband to know
she was more than just a wife.
She wanted her daughter to know
she was more than just a mother.
She wanted her neighbors to know
she was more than just the
woman who lived next door.
So Emma made a decision
to turn her dream into reality.
I wanna do a cabaret show.
I'll need a band, orchestrations,
and sound equipment,
and you are gonna pay for all of it.
And that is how Emma Graham's
friends and neighbors
came to gather at the
smokehouse lounge
two weeks later.
They would soon learn
Emma Graham wasn't so
ordinary after all.
Yes, Emma's dream of
sharing her talent
had finally come true.
Unfortunately, the high note
that ended the evening
Did not come from Emma.
I'm gonna kill you!
You ***!
Okay, ladies, please!
Uhh! Oh, my nose!
My nose, my nose.
Aah!
She knew what she
was doing was wrong.
She knew it was very dangerous.
She knew the risks
if people found out.
But Susan Delfino was determined
to get back to Wisteria Lane,
and that is how her world
began to fall apart.
Hi.
I'm Tanya.
Thank you for choosing
to spend time with me.
I'm all yours for the next hour.
How about we start
by getting to know each
other a little better?
Show me your jugs.
Aren't you
A frisky little ooh!
I see some dirt under
the coffee table.
Would you like me to vacuum?
Sure, right after you take
out those tots and shake 'em.
Slow down.
We've got, um
And, uh
Isn't it sexier to
warm each other up
with some naughty talk first?
I have to listen
to my old lady's
blah-blah-blah all day long.
Lose the top so I can
see those money-makers.
What, are you reading
from a *** thesaurus?
Come on.
Isn't there some romantic fantasy
you'd like to share with me?
Okay.
Are you lactating?
Oh, pig!
You never do that.
You never pull the
plug on a session!
The guy was a total perv
who clearly had
serious mother issues.
You cost us a major client.
And God forbid he starts
talking about this at work.
We could lose the
whole city council!
I'm sorry.
I lost my nerve.
Susan, I can't keep giving
you chances like this.
Va-va-va-broom.
Oh, you want a private
session with Tanya.
I'm sorry.
That's not gonna happen.
She doesn't work for me anymore.
Oh, once again, I am so sorry.
I forgot that French
restaurant was so formal.
Next time, I will pick a
place with fewer forks.
Yeah, thanks again for
helping me out with that.
Well, I I had a lot of fun.
Good night.
Keith?
Did you really have a lot of fun?
Yeah.
Why do you ask?
Well, because it's our third date,
and you just
kissed me like you were saying
good night to your aunt.
I'm trying to treat
you like a lady.
Oh, that's sweet.
Now knock it off.
Three times?
In one night.
Oh, my God.
Three times
is my entire September.
I just had the nicest
chat with grace.
She said the cutest thing.
Bree had sex three times last night.
Oh, screw my story.
Tell.
The sex was amazing.
It was like oh,
how to describe it?
An opera.
You fell asleep during it?
I'm telling you,
making love to a man in his 30s
it's like oh,
the the sun shines brighter,
the grass looks greener,
food tastes better.
Okay, we get it.
You had sex three times.
Three!
Oh, hey, look.
Renee's back from New York.
Oh, God, you invited her?
What, now you don't like Renee?
I know she's your friend,
but isn't she kind of
a self-absorbed,
narcissistic diva?
Good point.
We already
have one of those.
Drop the drugstore
champagne, ladies,
and make way for the real stuff.
We are celebrating!
What's the occasion?
Oh, my divorce settlement.
I just soaked my ex for well,
a whole lot of these.
I thought there was a prenup.
Yep, there was,
but no prenup is a match
for the legal team of grind'em,
screw'em, and Rothenberg.
That was iced tea.
Well, I just made it fun.
Now I wanna have you all
over for dinner tonight.
I've got two more
cases of champagne,
a truckload of caviar,
and a pile of money
to roll around naked in.
What do you say?
If there's more of this,
I am definitely there.
Great.
How about you, Bree?
Oh, I wish I could, but I have a date.
I need to carbo-load.
I've gotta pass, too.
We still haven't found a nanny,
and so Tom's working late,
so I have to go yawn.
Susan.
I would, but it's macaroni
and coupon clipping night
at my house.
Yawn and sad.
Well,
I guess it's just you and me.
Gabs and nee.
That is great.
We were just talking about how
much you two have in common.
Weren't we, gabs?
Thanks so much.
Your baby's really cute.
It was nice meeting you.
We'll let you know.
Thanks.
Well? Any luck finding a nanny?
No.
I've interviewed eight girls.
They're all either
too inexperienced
or too expensive.
Hmm.
What about the
one with the ***?
And that's why we're
not hiring her.
Well, don't give up yet,
because I found us
one more applicant.
You did? You took the initiative?
Why so surprised?
Our Christmas lights are
still up from last year.
And not only is she punctual,
she's early.
Who is it? Um,
let me put it this way.
Lynette, remember how you
always used to hate yams?
And they weren't so bad.
And over time,
you realized, "I like yams.
Yams are great.
"
Well, sometimes, Lynette,
people are like yams.
What'd you do?
Are you insane?
I was talking to her last night.
I-I mentioned we might need help,
and she volunteered.
You get it.
Tommy!
Mom!
Why couldn't she have been a yam?
We need directions to go to
Okay, so this Tina
was that the first
time he cheated on you?
Uh, I don't know.
You hear stories.
There was this thing
during the all-star game
pictures of Doug in the tabloids
with a cocktail waitress.
But then he came back
with a Bulgarian bracelet,
so we never talked about it.
God, being married
to a pro athlete
it must be a nightmare.
Well, sounds like you
are well rid of him.
You know, I feel like
you get me, Gaby.
And you know why? Because
We're both extremely beautiful.
God bless you for having
the courage to say that.
Only someone who looks like us
can understand what
a burden it can be.
Actually, it's pretty awesome.
Oh, you know, sometimes
I drive fast on purpose
just to see if I can flirt
my way out of a ticket.
Amateur hour.
Oh?
I got a bank manager to shave
a point off our mortgage
by bending over to
pick up a pencil.
To this day, Carlos calls
it my million-dollar ***.
Wait.
I can top that.
Yesterday these babies
earned me a cool $8 million.
What do you mean?
Well, I wore a lut dress
to my settlement hearing,
and afterwards,
Doug's lawyer came to my hotel
to renegotiate.
You slept with him? You're awful.
I know.
I shouldn't have told you that.
Keep it to yourself.
Oh, honey, I won't tell anyone.
Um I don't know
you well enough.
You've gotta give
me some dirt on you.
Hmm.
Huh.
I can't think of anything.
Really? Nothing?
Like, say plastic surgery?
What?
Honey, a scalpel has
never touched this body.
Maybe not the body
But that nose is a Dr.
Brotski.
I'd know his work anywhere.
How dare you.
I am insulted.
Okay, fine.
I was 19.
It was just a little bump.
That's what they all say.
Did you have a
deviated septum, too?
Don't tell anyone.
Carlos knows,
but if the girls find out,
I'd never hear the end of it.
Of course.
You can trust me.
I'm beautiful.
That's true.
Good morning.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Mwah.
Still not speaking to you.
Your breakfast will
be ready in a minute.
You want coffee.
I'll get it.
Your scrambled eggs are ready.
Oh, mom, I was hoping
for your French toast.
She made you eggs, Tom.
Eat them.
No, it's no problem.
You read your paper,
and I'll fix it right up, Rodney.
Uh, Tommy, mom.
Oh, didn't I say that?
Oh, it's just that you look
so much like your father.
Oh, gosh, what now?
Oh, let me get her.
It's what I'm here for.
Would you look at that?
My mother is on top of it,
and you get to sit and
have coffee with the man
that you kicked three times
"in your sleep" last night.
Look, I can take your
mother in small doses,
but her living here every day
you know, I never got
what this thing is
you have with her.
I mean, you say you love her.
She's great with the kids.
'S your beef?
Okay, you really wanna
know what it is?
Yeah.
Okay.
I can't stand the
person she turns you into.
You become this Neanderthal
Pfft.
While she's tripping
over her apron strings
to serve you.
So she likes to dote on me,
and I don't mind the attention.
What's the big deal?
False alarm.
She's fine.
Thank you.
Oh, and by the way
More coffee.
Yes.
Right away.
Just know if you ever
hold your coffee cup up to me,
you will be tapping
it with a stump.
Mike.
I was gonna call you.
I was talking to Paul young.
He and the new missus are
really enjoying the house.
Are they?
Yeah, and Paul was wondering
if you would be interested
in selling the place.
He's willing to make a
very generous offer.
Lee, I never kicked your ***
for renting our house to that guy
'cause you didn't know our history,
but now you do.
So I gotta wonder,
are you an idiot?
I'm sorry.
Paul wanted me to ask.
Susan and I are working
really hard to save money.
You tell Paul that the
day his lease is up,
we're moving home.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
I just ran into Mike.
Did you ask him about the house? Yeah.
He wasn't interested.
Did you tell him I'm willing
to pay above market value?
I could have, but I didn't
want to get punched.
You disappoint me, Lee.
There are other houses, Paul.
No.
I need this one.
Fortunately, I have another
way to handle this.
Your deposit should clear Monday,
and this will be your balance.
Wait.
This isn't right.
We should have a lot
more money in here.
Yes.
The silver bracelet
that you cleaned last year
that belonged to my grandmother.
What do you think it's worth?
Okay.
Um
Yeah, I'll come by tomorrow.
Hi.
Here's that gold
necklace you lent me.
What do you need it for?
You guys going on a fancy date?
No.
I just, uh
Just needed it back.
You okay?
You want to talk about something?
I can't.
Um I'm gonna
I'm gonna find you a tissue.
Susan, I was just at the bank.
We're missing $9,000 from
our checking account.
You went to the bank? Yeah.
What the hell's going on?
Did you take that money out?
Yes.
Susan?
Susan, what happened
to that money?
She lent it to me.
W-we had some bills
from Paige's birth
that weren't covered by insurance,
and Susan very kindly
offered to help us out.
That's right.
And she's gonna pay it
back by by Friday.
With interest.
Or not because,
I mean, we're friends,
so why would you
charge us interest?
I gotta get back to work
In case any of our other
friends need money.
Thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
Anything you wanna tell me?
Yeah.
But promise you won't yell?
You did *** on the Internet?!
No, it was just
cleaning in lingerie.
I there I was never naked.
There was no sex.
Well, unless the guys were
watching for cleaning tips,
it's ***.
Susan!
How could you do this?!
Look, I feel bad enough already.
Well, you should! What if
Mike finds out? Or your kids?
Hey, it is really easy
for you to come down here
from your 5-bedroom house in
the suburbs and criticize me.
I am not on Wisteria Lane anymore.
Look at what Mike and I are
trying to climb out of!
We can't even afford hot
lunches for m.
J.
At school,
so just think about that
next time you wanna judge me.
Okay.
Done judging.
Back to being a friend.
I'm sorry you had to do that.
Me, too.
Doug, what are you doing here?
I had to see you.
Well, I'd invite you in,
but it's late and I hate you.
Baby, I flew all this way.
At least hear me out.
If it's about the settlement,
you're wasting your breath.
I miss you.
Well, how does Tina
feel about that?
That was a stupid mistake,
and it's over.
I know I screwed up
Big this time.
Give me another chance.
I'm soy, Doug,
but I'm actually happy here.
I'm getting a fresh start,
making new friends.
Come on.
Can't be happy
here in Mayberry.
You were made for Manhattan.
Oh, by the way.
Cartier ed.
They miss you, too.
Oh, Doug, don't do this to me.
Think about everything
we had together.
I want it back.
Don't you?
Oh, I can't stop
thinking about that play.
What do you think the
angel represented
when he flew down in the
middle of the night?
I don't know.
I was too
busy looking for the wires.
So, are you, uh,
in the mood for some dessert?
Totally.
I think the angel symbolized hope
or a-a second chance
at redemption, perhaps.
'Course, another
interpretation, I suppose,
could be
oh, my.
When you said "dessert,
" I just assumed
Well, there's no two
ways to interpret that.
Ohh! That was incredible.
Where did you learn to do that,
and why the hell am I asking?
Don't tell me.
Mmm.
Oh, let's just say you inspire me.
Well, that'll teach me
to let you walk behind
me up the stairs.
What is that?
I guess inspiration struck again.
Please tell me you're
here to stab me.
What?
Nothing.
Come on in.
What's that?
Aren't they supposed to
be sliced and peeled?
I'm too tired.
Please get that away from me.
I guess someone was
with Keith last night.
Were you once, twice,
three times not a lady?
It's not funny.
Six hours we had sex.
I feel like the Holland tunnel.
Honey, why don't you just tell him
you need a little break?
Because he's young.
If I turn down
a roll in the hay,
he's gonna think I'm an old woman.
You just said "roll in the hay.
"
I think that ship has sailed.
Ohh! Well, I better figure
out how to slow him down
before this John Wayne walk
becomes permanent.
Coming!
Come on in.
Hey, girls.
Hey! Hey! You are just in time.
I mixed up a signature drink
in honor of your divorce.
I wouldn't pour that just yet.
I'm starting to rethink
this whole divorce thing.
Doug showed up last night.
He flew in from New York?
I know.
He said
it's over with Tina.
Wants me back.
And he gave me this.
Oh, Doug screws up a lot,
but his apologies are
always the 4th of July.
Wow.
Tom's apologies are
more like arbor day.
But he cheated on you.
Okay.
A guy who has women
throwing themselves at him
in every city.
Meanwhile, we had ten great years,
and he loved me and cared
for me and I think I should
give him another chance.
Am I crazy?
Well, you have invested
ten years in the marriage.
No one goes that long without
a few bumps in the road.
Okay, then.
I'm doing it.
Are you insane?
The man dumped you
for another woman.
Well, he apologized.
Can't I forgive him?
Why? Because he gave
you a stupid ring?
He's buying you off again.
Open your eyes.
Hey.
It's my marriage anyway.
Why don't you just keep
your fake nose out of it?
What does she mean, fake?
Gabrielle Solis,
did you have a nose job?
Hello! We're talking
about Trampy McTrinket!
After all these years of you
bragging about your
natural beauty?
Oh, I never brag.
You once called your face
proof of God's existence.
You said I was a fraud for
wearing a padded swimsuit.
And now we find out you've
had plastic surgery.
Ooh! That changes everything.
No, it doesn't.
It wasn't plastic surgery.
It was corrective rhinoplasty
for a deviated
You will regret this.
Oh, Gaby, come on! We're kidding!
Don't get your nose out of joint.
Bree Van De Kamp had a problem.
Her boyfriend's *** appetite
was proving to be exhausting.
And then out of the blue,
Bree came up with a solution.
Since Keith's demands
were overwhelming her,
why not make some
overwhelming demands
of her own?
Wow.
There's a lot of work here.
I guess I could get
it done by Friday.
Oh, no, I'm gonna need
it sooner than that.
Certainly by tonight.
Hey, Allison made you
your favorite cookies for
your trip.
Macaroons?!
Oatmeal raisin.
Oh.
Those were my dad's favorites.
Maybe you can trade them with
the boy next to you on the plane
for his snack.
Make fun,
but you have to admit,
she's been great with the baby.
She has been great.
You were right.
I was wrong.
Oh, if only these were macaroons.
This would be the
best day of my life.
Call me when you land.
See you, babe.
Ah.
So can I help
with the lasagna?
Actually, the boys said
they wanted meatloaf,
so I switched the menu.
Now sit.
All right.
So Tom was telling me about
you going back to work.
I must say,
I don't understand that.
Well, that's
Okay.
What are you doing?
I'm out of milk.
Well, your
grandmother is not here to serve you.
I don't mind, dear.
See? She wants to.
Soda, gram? Make it two.
Boys!
Penny, I have to get the meat,
so you get the sodas.
Uh why?
Why? We have to take
care of our men.
Penny, sit.
You boys want a drink,
get up and get it.
They had such a long day
classes and then their
after-school sports.
Allison, in this house,
the women don't wait on the men.
The men get off their
*** and help themselves.
When did it become a sin to
take care of your family?
Oh, you modern women.
You just plop out a baby,
and then you can't wait to get
back to your silly careers.
I took care of my boys.
When my husband came home,
there was a hot meal waiting
for him on the table.
He never wanted for anything.
Yeah, and how did
that work out for you?
He had an affair and left.
Damn it.
I didn't realize you
were still here.
Have you been working
this whole time?
You said to get it all done today.
So if there is nothing else,
I would like to go home
and slip into a coma.
Why don't you spend
the night here?
I'd hate to see you
out there driving
when you're so exhausted.
You are exhausted, right?
Totally.
Every part of my body hurts.
Then stay.
Sleep here.
In the morning, I will make you
Belgian waffles.
That will be my special thank you
for all of your hard work.
What are you doing?
I thought of another
way you could thank me.
You said every part
of your body was sore.
One part's doing okay.
Okay!
That's it! What's wrong?
I can't do it!
I can no longer keep up
with you and your ***
woodpecker sex drive!
What? I-I'm just
gonna say it, okay?
I'm older than you.
I don't ha your stamina,
and I can't keep up.
You you can't keep up?
I'm dating a woman who
talks to waiters in French
and wants to discuss a play's
symbolism during halftime.
Intermission.
You see?
You're ten times smarter than me.
That's why I keep sexing you up.
I'm trying to keep you interested.
Make no mistake.
I am interested.
I love when I am prattling on
about the meaning of the angel,
you notice the wires.
You have your own way
of seeing the world,
and it's fun and down-to-earth
and everything I'm not.
So you're saying you
like me how I am?
Wow.
I hadn't thought of that.
Yes.
Very much.
Now put that thing away
and let's get some rest.
Hi.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Jenny.
I'm the new nanny.
Ah! Isn't it great?
I offered her a little more money,
and she took the job.
She's the one with the ***.
Remember?
Yeah.
You're welcome.
Lynette, can I can I talk
to you upstairs for a minute?
Okay.
I'll be right up.
Oh.
Okay.
So
Great news about Jen, huh?
Yeah.
I just fired her.
What? You had no right to do that.
And you had no right
to make my mother feel
unwelcomed in my house.
She just wanted to be
a part of this family.
Tom, I love your mother,
and if this were 1955,
I would be so on board with
her parenting techniques,
but I will not let her raise our
children to turn out like
Whoa, whoa.
Finish that sentence.
T-turn out like me?
No.
No, I didn't say that! I
but we let's be honest.
When we first met,
you thought there were
only two roles for women
making a cake or
jumping out of one.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want her here.
For our entire marriage,
you have been the one
to make the decisions.
"I'm going back to work.
"
"I'm hiring a nanny.
"
This time, I am making
the decision.
She stays.
Okay, boys and girls, gather up
your supplies and put them away.
See you tomorrow.
Maxine, I can't talk now.
I'm at work.
Look, I know I fired you,
but if you like,
I'm willing to offer you,
uh, another chance.
Why?
Well, this guy keeps calling.
He really wants a private
session with you,
and he's starting to
offer some serious money.
Come on.
What do you say?
How serious are we talking?
Thank you so much for coming.
I cannot tell you
what it means to me.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you gonna
be singing any songs
about a woman who's a
backstabbing ***?
We are really looking
forward to it, Emma.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Would you get over it already?
Why don't we go sit down
with our friends? No!
I'm sick of Lynette making
those Cyrano de Bergerac jokes,
whoever she was.
He.
And, baby,
they are just teasing you.
Well, it's not funny.
My thing was my natural beauty.
Like Susan's an artist.
Lynette's a great businesswoman.
Bree's the perfect homemaker.
I was the beautiful one.
Now I'm just the plastic one.
And there's the woman
who's to blame.
Man, I'd love to smack that
smile right off her face
which, by the way,
has been pulled so tight,
it would probably smack me back.
I forgot what it was like
walking into a room on your arm.
I like it.
Baby, I think you are the
one they were staring at.
Ah.
Well, this doesn't hurt.
Mmm.
Mwah.
Hey, Gaby.
I didn't nose you'd be here.
Okay, I don't know what you heard,
but it's all crap.
Don't lie.
That'll make it grow again.
Tell Doug Perry it's on the house.
I'll do it.
It's on the house.
Oh, by the way,
she slept with your lawyer.
Enjoy the show.
Is that true?
Well
The thing about that is
Ladies and gentlemen,
the smokehouse lounge
is proud to present
Emma Graham.
Whoo, Emma!
A word.
Aah!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Get the claws off the Versace!
Why the hell would
you tell him that?
Well, you know me and my big nose
This is my marriage
we're talking about!
This trumps your stupid nose! O.
They're both fake!
Oh, what do you know?
You're nothing but a boring
housewife shut up!
Whose life is so pathetic,
you gotta crap all over mine!
I'm pathetic?! Hey,
what do you call
a girl who sleeps with
a guy for $8 million?!
Get off! Uhh! Aah!
I'm gonna kill you!
You ***! Uhh! Get off me!
Okay, ladies, please.
Uhh!
I will never forgive you for this!
Sure you will.
I'll just
buy you a sapphire ring.
Oh, you like my ring?
Well, get ready to smell I
oh, my God, my nose!
My nose! My nose!
Didn't think I'd
hear from you again.
Look, I've been thinking about
everything that's happened.
You slept with someone.
I slept with someone.
Maybe we should just call it even.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, that's what
we both want, right?
Thank you, dear.
I am so sorry for saying those
things about your husband.
I appreciate that.
And I'm sorry if I
Crossed some sort of line.
No.
It just felt so nice
to feel useful again.
You are useful,
and I really need you here,
especially when I go back to work.
You know,
the kitchen is my favorite
room in the house.
The family sits together here.
You get to cook for them
and make them happy.
And I just don't understand
why you would ever want to give
all that up to go out there.
It's just who I am.
Mom? The baby's crying.
Oh.
Well, she's probably hungry.
Ooh.
Yummy.
I'm so sorry.
What's your name again?
I'm penny.
And do you live here?
I'm not really used
to apologizing
But here are some chocolates.
I haven't touched a carb since 1985,
but thank you.
Believe it or not,
I was actually on my way
over to apologize to you.
I don't know what came over me.
Look, I still feel you
deserve better than that guy.
But I had no right to screw with
your marriage.
It's your life.
Doug called this morning.
He said he still wants me back
Oh.
Wow.
And I said no.
Seriously?
He said we could pretend
it never happened,
and I thought of all the things
I pretended never
happened over the years.
You were right, Gaby.
I needed to open my eyes.
Okay, well, before I
take credit for this,
are you sure this
is what you want?
Yes.
And thank you.
Out of all the women,
you were the only one who had
the guts to tell me the truth.
You're a real friend,
and I'll take that over
a sapphire ring any day.
Oh!
You're keeping the ring,
right? Oh, hell, yeah.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Are you shy, too?
Well, that's okay.
So am I.
Why don't you start with just, uh,
telling me your name?
I think you know my name.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'm still here, Susan.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm glad you put your robe on.
I hate to see you
debasing yourself.
What do you want?
I'd like your house,
and I'm willing to pay a
very fair price for it.
Yeah, Mike told me about that.
It's not for sale.
Susan, it seems to me a lot
of things are for sale
your body, your honor,
your reputation.
The house would seem to be
the smallest of those things.
Are you threatening me?
I'm simply saying it would
be terribly unfortunate
if anyone were to find
out what I already know.
I mean I was shocked.
I can only imagine
what your husband
and son would think.
You son of a ***.
It's a lot to take in, I know.
Why don't you take a couple
of days to think about it?
I'd hate for you to feel
that I was pressuring you.
He knew what he was
doing was wrong.
He knew it was very dangerous.
He knew the risks
if people found out.
But Paul young wanted to punish
those who had betrayed him.
So he had a plan that would
set neighbor against neighbor
and friend against friend.
And it was a plan that
was going to succeed.