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Previously on Californication
You have a magnificent body.
Do you think I have
what it takes to be an actress?
- Yes.
- Eddie Nero said you got magic fingers.
I need your words.
Guess who's back in the picture?
Eddie *** Nero!
I don't work
for Stu and Marcy anymore.
So this whole thing
isn't quite as inappropriate
as it once was.
What?
Will you read my screenplay?
I give it ten pages.
Hey, can I come in?
It's Richard, you know,
he won't stop drinking.
I think I made
a terrible mistake, you know?
Hank, I woke up
in a strange woman's bed.
I can't find my wedding ring.
I'm ***!
Who's that?
This is my girlfriend.
- Holly.
- Holly.
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh.
Whoa!
Hey, hey!
- What the ***?
- Hey, hey--
You come to my home?
How *** dare you?
Batesy, Batesy, she's with me.
You can take your ***
and you can get
the *** out of my house.
Thank you for agreeing
to break your fast
with me this morning.
It's fine.
It's more than fine, young lady.
I know how particularly displeased
you've been with your papa of late.
You haven't really given me
much of a chance
to think fondly of you, papa.
Or even miss you, for that matter.
You've been around.
A lot.
Mucking with things.
I muck not.
Says the man responsible
for the savage beating
my boyfriend suffered
at the hands of some thug.
Nonsense, that was just
an unfortunate misunderstanding.
And he's not a thug,
he's an entrepreneur.
And a humanitarian.
And you know
what they say--
whatever doesn't kill us
makes even us more annoying.
Did you read his screenplay yet?
Is your mom still mad at me?
What do you think?
On a scale of one to ten.
I can get that down.
Did you read his screenplay yet?
What?
I can't hear you.
No, not yet.
Why?
You promised.
There's just no upside, darlin'.
If I read it and it sucks,
then I have to endure
his pathetic attempts
and give him feedback.
The last young aspirant
I gave notes to
wound up in the hospital.
And if it's even remotely good,
why would I want to know
that about him?
You see my dilemma here?
I'll never talk to you again.
You barely talk to me now.
I'll become a stripper.
I'll read it.
Tomorrow.
Today.
Today.
You're *** kidding me.
Rebecca!
This is why I hate coming here.
That bad, huh?
It's that good.
Really?
The writing is exceptional.
But that's not what pisses me off.
Well, it does *** me off.
I mean, where's
that little *** get off
being even a halfway decent writer?
And where--where does
he find time to write
when he has to tend
to that *** mop of hair?
Oh, whoa, whoa
you're getting off topic.
Tell me more about the script.
Don't you even *** dare, agent.
Sowhat's it about?
The whole *** thing is about him.
And Becca.
So?
So? It's--it's--
it's very ***, Karen.
Very ***.
And your point is?
It's also--
it's very dirty.
And disturbing.
And it's very, very
***.
It's also disgusting, actually.
That's what it is, is disgusting.
Your entire literary aesthetic
revolves around sex, so
It does not.
- Does.
- Doesn't.
You know what,
I'm not gonna do this with you.
Doesn't.
Okay.
Well, say what you will
about my oeuvre.
But Tyler's script involves
a young aspiring writer
who has a very down and dirty
*** relationship
with the daughter
of a very successful novelist.
You're not that successful.
Oh, Karen, that is so funny.
I'm glad you still find time
to emasculate me
while Rome is clearly burning.
I can always find time for that.
So wait, no, wait, and this, and this.
The--the--the main character
harbors fantasies about ***
the extremely MILF-y mother
of his girlfriend.
Really?
How do you like them apples, Karen?
How's that make you feel?
Good, actually.
Yeah.
He's kind of hot.
You know what?
It's not funny.
I am just so disgusted
by your whole scene here.
You're disgusted with my scene?
Yeah, I am.
How the *** did that happen?
In my absence, your whole life
has become this *** playground.
Jesus, so what are you gonna do?
Are you--are you
gonna give him notes,
or what are you gonna do?
Yeah, I'm gonna give him
notes, I'm gonna give him notes.
But first I'm gonna see my daughter.
Where is she?
She's at work.
I'm gonna go see her at work.
I got a bone to pick with her.
- Good luck with that.
- All right, okay.
- Good.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
How's Batesy?
Rehab.
Today's family day.
Should be a hoot.
Awesome.
You still thinking about leaving him?
Really, Becca?
What?
I'm troubled.
You don't like it?
No, I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit.
What don't you like about it?
Well, for one, it's very dirty.
Very dirty.
So? Dirty is your thing,
isn't it?
Whatever.
It also seems
painfully autobiographical.
Dad, please, is everything
you write the truth?
Or is it embellished?
Young aspiring writer seeks out
daughter of very successful novelist
and proceeds to bed her?
Sound familiar?
You're not that successful, dad.
Jesus Christ, is nothing sacred?
Is this about sex?
Did you think I was
never going to grow up
and have a *** relationship
with someone?
A father sure can hope.
Sometimes I think you wish
I stayed some asexual little
Goth muppet creature forever.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Would you prefer I didn't enjoy sex?
Will you stop saying "sex"?
This is a place of business.
Yeah, and you're holding up the line.
This is not
what I wanted for you, Becca.
To inspire some stupid ***
mumblecore ***.
Just sit down with him.
Give him your thoughts.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna give him
my thoughts all right.
I got his address.
Look, right here.
Be gentle.
He talks a good game, but deep down,
he's really just a sensitive artist.
Oh, uh-huh.
Uh, yeah, I'm gonna call him.
I will let him know.
Okay, bye.
Hello, hello!
Ugh, what the *** are you doing here?
Oh, and a very fine day to you too.
What have I told you?
You don't *** on the losing class.
That's rude.
I know, baby.
Baby, he just brings it out in me.
Charlie, I'm sorry, I think
what Marcy was trying to say is
what the *** are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood.
I thought it might be nice
to lay eyes on my very own son.
Ha! You were
in the neighborhood?
That's ***.
You wanted to lay eyes on Lizzie.
Well, you can't blame a man for that.
Oh, really, sweetheart?
You wanna go down this road?
You wanna sink the pink
ever again in this lifetime?
Hey, hey, hey,
remember what Dr. Lawson said
about using sex as a weapon.
I don't care.
Whoa, whoa,
who's Dr. Lawson?
- Couples therapist.
- Shh!
Hey, there's no shame in
workshopping your relationship.
Five minutes, Charlie.
Okay?
He needs a nap.
Otherwise he's gonna be
a *** nightmare
when we get back.
God damn it!
Come on.
*** charges us if we're late.
Charlie, uh, enjoy yourself.
Just keep your *** hands
off my Oscars.
Coming!
I don't like this thing
with these stones.
I need a flat surface.
Shh, I'm sorry, Charlie.
He just fell asleep.
Bummer.
Guess I'll just go, then.
No other reason for me to be here.
Yeah, you should go.
Yep.
I'll justbe on my way.
See ya.
Guest house?
I got a better idea.
Hi there!
Hi.
I'm looking for Tyler.
Oh, he's at school.
Or work.
Orsomewhere.
I'm not really sure.
Some mom I am, huh?
Any idea when he might be back?
No.
Hey.
Are you Hank Moody?
Yep, guilty.
It's so nice to meet you.
Becca is a doll.
Oh, I like
to think so. Yeah.
I'm Lisa.
Tyler's mom.
Oh, hey, Lisa.
Do you wanna come in?
No, I--
Are you sure?
Yeah.
'Cause I'm about to get
really *** high.
Oh.
Well, in that case.
Where's the man of the house?
Out and about.
We had a big fight.
About what?
Same old ***.
The drinking, the control issues.
Yeah, I hear that.
That ***'s universal.
Did you read Tyler's script?
Yes, I did.
It's very raw, isn't it?
Yeah, I, uh
That's one way to put it.
You know, it's our fault.
Because we raised him in this
very sexually free household.
Yeah, about that--
Can you do me a favor?
Sure, but I can't promise anything.
Can I see your ***?
Look, I know where this is going.
You do?
You're a very beautiful woman.
And I'm very angry with Tyler
for defiling my daughter on the page.
But as much as I'd like
to stick it to Tyler
and *** out his mom--
sorry for being
so charming--
I don't want to hurt my daughter.
It's cool, Hank.
I just wanted to see your ***.
I haven't seen one in a while
and I like to study them.
Yeah? Well, what about
Tyler's dad?
He--he can't
scratch that itch?
Not exactly.
What are--what are
we talking about here,
a wheelchair situation?
No.
Penises are my passion.
OhOoh.
Yikes.
Oh, all right.
Okay, all right.
All right, these are--
these are yours.
Oh, those are mine.
Not the penises.
Right, I got it, I got it.
Okay.
So would you mind?
Well, I have been told
I have a very pretty ***.
I'll be the judge of that.
Fla-***.
Solid.
Solid?
Thanks, I guess.
He looks a lot cooler with
some blood rushing through him.
What the *** is going on here?
Oh, sweetie, it's nothing.
It's just work.
We have one--
one fight.
And you go looking for ***!
You know what?
After I'm through
with this piece of ***,
I'm gonna beat
the ***' bi out of you
- once and for all, woman.
- Wait!
Wait, no!
- Please.
- Come on!
- Please!
- Come on!
Wait!
He's Rebecca's father!
He's Hank Moody.
Ahh
We love Becca!
Oh!
She's a doll!
She's a doll.
Ah, God, I love *** you.
God, I love *** you too.
I especially love *** you
in my ex-wife's marital bed.
Oh, understandably.
But you should probably
be quick about it,
'cause they're gonna be
back in a minute.
Don't think any woman's ever
told me to be quick about it.
That'sgonna make me
come.
Nicely done.
You see how long I last with you?
Yes, I have no complaints
in that department.
Did you come?
No.
How come?
It's not your problem, Charlie.
I didn't make you come.
This is totally my problem.
Okay, well, um,
I've been having money troubles.
I mean, Stu and Marcy pay okay,
but between my *** car,
acting lessons,
now I need headshots
Headshots.
Done.
My treat.
I can't let you do that, Charlie.
You just let me foul you.
I owe you one.
You're so sweet.
Oh, holy ***, they're home!
They're home.
God, I'm so hard right now.
Oh, God, I'm so hard right now.
Oh, God, yes, you are.
Drag that big boy.
Take out that *** bat
and hit me with it, ***.
You know I will!
Yeah, let me see that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God!
Why does couples therapy
get me so worked up?
Ours is not to reason why, baby.
Ours is but to ***
each other's brains out.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- So I'll do it.
- Yeah.
Oh, wait a minute, wait.
What do you wanna play?
I don't know, what do you wanna play?
Ooh, ooh!
Let's do the one where
Charlie is still your husband,
but he's upstairs in a wheelchair.
I like that one!
Who are you?
I'm gonna be the contractor.
Oh, yeah.
UhHowdy, ma'am.
Uh, we're just about done for the day.
Oh, why, thank you very much.
You and your boys do such good work.
Yeah, I was sorry to see your
bald husband's in a wheelchair.
Well, yes,
times have been tough
since the accident.
I bet ya he doesn't *** you
so good now.
- No.
- No.
No. No.
It's just like a piece
of overcooked penne
between his legs.
No! But does he
eat your ***?
Well, he does try.
But he doesn't get my spot.
Well, I got just the tool for that.
Take a look at that.
- Oh, my. Oh, my God.
- Yep.
So that's what a ***'s
supposed to look like.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
Yeah, come on!
Come on!
How much disrespect can one man take?
Oh, come on!
Are you *** kidding me?
I just don't know
how y-y-you deal
with them growing up, these kids,
and becoming *** beings, y'know?
They're *** beings from
the moment they're born, Hank.
Yes.
Tyler, he was fixated
on his *** from the get-go.
He was always, like,
*** tugging on that thing.
I have a photo series
that chronicles Tyler's ***
from birth to now.
Wanna see it, Hank?
No, not at all.
I-I think I'd rather see
crime scene photos.
I think someone's
a little uptight, huh, babe?
You don't have
to worry about Becca, Hank.
She's experimenting
in a very safe environment.
What does that mean exactly?
We encourage Tyler to bring
his girlfriends here
instead ofyou know,
*** 'em in secret
in the backseat of a car
or some cheap motel room.
That's--that's not
making me feel any better.
Well, it should,
because if the screams
that are coming from that room
are any indication
That girl is clearly enjoying herself.
Still not helping.
Yeah, she is a beautiful girl, Hank.
Hey, would you consider
letting us photograph you, hmm?
Oh, oh, well, I'm flattered.
But I don't wanna end up
in The Big Book of ***.
Hey, moms.
Oh, look, Tyler's home.
- My baby.
- Oh, Jesus.
Whoa. What, are you
guys high again?
Hey, Hank.
What, are you here
to beat me up for something?
Yeah, but only in the literary sense.
You ready for some notes?
Wow.
Come on, Lizzie.
I can't believe that
you *** your son's nanny.
In his mother's bed!
Ew.
I can't believe you play dirty
disrespectful sex games
involving your son's father!
I'm sorry about that, Charlie.
But that was one of the milder ones.
There are others?
What are they?
Well, uhthere's one
where you just got fired.
And I play the boss
who comes to console you,
but I end up *** Marcy instead.
Oh, yeah, and there's the one
that you play Charlie.
And you just got the operation
to make your *** bigger--
And I come to the hospital
and I see it
For the first time!
Charlie, I know
it's very embarrassing,
but you don't have to worry about it
because you are having sex
with Lizzie.
And this is *** primo ***!
I mean, right on, bro.
Thank you, Stu.
Lizzie, I'm sorry
about objectifying you there,
but you're just way out of his league.
No offense, Runkle.
No, I get it,
she's totally out of my league.
I'll take it as a compliment.
Okay, so if you're all done
sucking each others' dicks,
can we get back to the business
of firing Lizzie again?
Okay, look.
We only had sex after
you fired her the first time.
Then you rehired her.
It's very hard to put the toothpaste
back in the tube, Marcy.
Once it's out, it's just--
it--itit's out.
I didn't mean for it to happen, Marcy.
It's just that
Charlie's been very kind
during a very tough time in my life.
Oh, has it been tough, darling?
Okay, look--
- Hey, come on!
- Hey, hey, look.
Look, wait!
I have a suggestion.
I think that we all feel
a *** tension between us.
What?
Charlie is trying to work
his way into our sex life.
He's even eroticized the very bed
in which his ex-wife is now
sharing with her new husband.
He's *** his son's nanny,
who happens to be young and beautiful,
threatens and delights all
of us in some way.
Okay, so what are you saying, Stuart?
You want us all to have
a *** *** or something?
You know, I was thinking
that we should all
go and talk this out
with Dr. Lawson.
But if you're thinking ***,
I am totally down with that.
***' Jesus.
Oh, God.
Do you want me to go check
on him or am I fired?
Well, if you think you can get
him to stop crying, yeah.
Your moms are pretty cool.
Yeah, they're all right.
Want to talk about your script?
Yeah, thanks for reading it, um
I have immense respect for you, Hank.
I'm--I'm a huge fan.
Then why are you such an immense prick
around me all the time?
Well, I didn't think you'd respect me
if I was kissing your ***.
That's a good call.
But you--
I don't get it.
You say you're a fan,
you want me to read your ***.
And then you hand me a script
that's about your relationship
with my daughter.
It's kind of hard for me to be
objective about that, you know?
Okay, look, when I found out
that you were Becca's dad
That's all it was about.
I was like, "Sure, I'll take a
shot at Hank Moody's daughter."
You know?
How *** cool would that be?
I'm not proud of that, okay?
But that's the brutal truth, right?
I just thought, if
I hung around her long enough,
that I'd get to meet you
at some point, you know?
And the real kicker--
and it's the truest part of
that whole *** script--
is I fell in love with her, Hank.
Becca is amazing.
I like to think so.
She's the kind of girl
a guy meets when he's too young
and he *** up because there's
too much living left to do.
So you're--you're gonna have to
forgive me for *** up.
Because
I'm trying my best to not make
that same mistake again.
You ready for some notes?
Yeah, absolutely, let's do it.
You sure?
Last kids I gave notes to
tried to off himself.
No, I think I can handle it.
All right.
Page one.
Why the *** are you fading in?
Okay.
Maybe he's not all bad.
He's not good or bad.
He's a work in progress, I guess.
Did you know he had two moms?
Debbie and Lisa?
Sure.
Lisa asked me to be in
The Big Book of ***.
The sequel.
- Pictionary of ***.
- Okay, anything else?
Yeah, actually.
Um
It's just the whole
*** parenting thing,
it's not getting any easier.
I just spent the afternoon
with a couple of ***
that know more about raising
a child than I ever will.
You know what?
I don't think you should be
so *** yourself,
'cause it's my job.
It's like we made
this beautiful child,
and I still don't know
what the *** I'm doing.
Maybe you should just
start enjoying her company, you know?
Don't judge it so much.
Maybe.
By the way, it looks like
I owe you an apology.
- What?
- I know.
That sounds like
a foreign language to me.
You owe me an apology?
Whatever for?
Well, Richard came clean about
the whole stripper thing, and
he told me that you took
the fall for him.
Yes, right, that.
Why'd you do that?
I figured you'd been through enough.
I didn't want to see you hurt
if you didn't have to be.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yep, we still got it.
Shut up.
You still thinking
about leaving Richard?
Good night.
Good night, now.
What's up, Moody, huh?
Jesus.
What the *** are you doing here?
Where you been, man?
What, you don't ***
answer your phone no more?
No, I don't, not when you call.
You know why? 'Cause you only
call with *** notes.
How the *** are you doing, Moody?
Nero.
Say my name, say my name again.
Jesus, get off me.
Whatever happened to just
a smile and a handshake
every now and then,
you *** psycho?
Ah, what can I say?
You got me
all hot and bothered, Moody.
Good to see you.
What the *** are you doing here?
I do have some notes on the script.
Last time I checked,
you were not in the movie.
He is now, ***.
Nero's gonna make this
***' joint bulletproof, man.
Sam's convinced me to do a cameo.
And you are just the man to write it.
With my own input, of course.
Fine.
But I'm not writing any
of that weird omnisexual ***
about you taking a man
in your mouth, all right?
Nah, nah, don't worry about that ***.
No nut-guzzling ***
in my movie, yo.
No, no, man, I'm over all that noise.
That was last year.
The year of living ambiguously.
I'm celibate now.
Okay. Why?
A man can only shoot
so many loads in a lifetime.
I mean, literally, you can run out.
That's not medically true.
No, it's true.
I've done the research.
I have access
to the kind of medical science
that civilians do not.
My *** don't work no more.
I mean, I haven't had an ***
since last year's Golden Globes.
Have you seen a doctor about that?
Nah, I don't need to.
Don't want to.
I've transcended sexuality.
Moody, let's face it.
I was put on this earth for a reason,
to lead the way.
And I can see clearly now.
Sex stands in the way
of true artistic achievement.
I want to be the first film actor
to have his genitals removed.
Can you imagine
what that would be like?
To be completely dickless?
To be a smooth, hairless,
real life action figure?
Like a Ken doll,
or a high-powered eunuch.
Can you even comprehend what
I would be able to accomplish
without the distraction of sex?
Looking for a doctor
to help me with this.
It's been a little challenging.
I may have to go underground.
Or to Europe.
Jesus ***, I'm nauseous.
Oh, get out your laptop.
I feel a monologue coming on.
My character
is a grizzled LAPD detective
who's confined to a wheelchair.
He's addicted to painkillers.
He hates black people.
But he loves America.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
You're not feeling
this ***' ***, man?
This ***'s
droppin' bombs, man.
All over the *** place, man.
This is gonna be hot.
Get your *** laptop.
Go ahead, put it in my mouth.
Come on, honey, do it to me,
put it around my neck.
That's it--
You cannot quiet me!
Jesus, Eddie.
What the *** are you
doing up so early?
Up? I didn't go to sleep.
I don't need it.
Right, because
you're a superior being.
No, it's not that.
That's elitist.
But I do think I'm the
next step in human evolution.
Sure, I buy it.
And I think I found my next movie.
Good for you, Edward.
Good for you.
The writing.
The writing!
Reminds me of you.
*** & Punching,
but for the Twitter generation.
Much more youthful.
Vital and alive and
This *** is ***' raw.