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Domestic Violence is more than just
a private disagreement between a husband and wife.
Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior
where one person tries to control the
thoughts, beliefs or actions
of their partner or family member.
The damage done by this crime goes well beyond
the homes in which it occurs.
Tragically and too often domestic violence
is a homicide waiting to happen.
While the violence may cause injury
it is not necessarily physical. Batterer's can abuse their victims emotionally,
verbally, mentally, sexually or financially.
The Massachusetts Abuse Prevention Law offers
a legal remedy to any person who is physically abused
in a family or personal relationship.
Please join us as we discuss this problem and ways
that you can get help for yourself or for a friend.
There's so many different kinds
of domestic abuse.
There's emotional abuse, there's physical abuse
and I think a lot of people
when they think of
domestic violence they think of
just the physical abuse
but a lot of folks that call
us are dealing with
very controlling spouses where sometimes the emotional abuse
is actually more pervasive so they are belittled,
they're not allowed to work they're completey controlled.
They're told that their parenting skills
are terrible that no one will believe them.
There is something that we called crazy making
where an incident will occur and the victim will try to process it
and the offender will say that never
happened what are you talking about?
All my girlfriends were ***.
I couldn't go out with them because
they were a bad influence so it was subtle little hints
that I really wasn't seeing because they weren't that dramatic.
When I was working it was yeah know control over the money
I couldn't spend my own money it had to be on whatever he said.
It took me quite a while to understand that the psychological
and emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad of the physical abuse.
I wasn't allowed to talk to my families
and he knew I was very close to my uncle, he was like my dad.
And, I wasn't allowed to talk to no friends.
And, I wasn't allowed to go to school
because he told me that I didn't have legal status in this country,
I'm not allowed to go to school and that was a lie.
It's dangerous and it's not gonna change and
it's a pattern that often gets worse.
Abusive behavior that is defined by statute is
attempting to cause or causing physical harm,
actually an assault and battery, punching, kicking,
slapping, or forcing another to engage involuntary in *** acts.
Up until the late 70's it was deemed a private family matter.
It is no longer deemed a private family matter.
We've learned through studies that once a victim is
able to flee an abusive relationship the batterer
tends to move on to the next victim.
So there's a huge societal interest in stopping this type of behavior.
Children who are raised in this environment and witness violence
over the years are victims as well and the Commonwealth has a strong
interest in not only protecting the victim of the crime but also
the children who witness this violence who are victims themselves as well.
We've actually had kids in our shelter that have said
it was the best time because it was the
first time that they were not afraid.
A lot of moms think that the kids aren't listening
because you put them to sleep or something but a lot
more often than not the kids are hearing everything
that's going on and sometimes even seeing what's going on.
My son he used to cry constantly ah he it's not because he was sick
it's because all the abuse and he was only two year's old
and after I left my ex husband I see so much so much change
in that kid and you can tell that he just needed to be in a safe place.
And until this day he's so happy he's eight year's old.
He talks about it. He talks about abuse,
he talks about how happy we are now without Daddy.
He told me that. And then he tells me Mommy remember
when Poppy use to do this to you he have to keep his hands to himself.
So it's because he remembers. So I tell him that that's okay that
Mommy is safe now and he's safe and I would never again
go back oh let someone do what my ex husband did to me.
By the way we've had four thousand men come through our
Batterer Intervention Program since 1991.
Never once has a man threatened any staff member or any other man.
Not once has a staff person male or female come to me and said
I'm afraid for my safety because of these men in the room.
Never once have we had to press an alarm button in order to
send in security or reinforcements to help us.
That's never happened.
And one of the reasons it's never happened is that
these men have control over their behavior.
Many many of these kinds of people are very
chameleon like and I used to refer to him as
Mr. Hyde became increasingly Mr. Hyde and not Dr. Jekyll.
They weren't seeing the two sides for him they were just
seeing you know the charmer the smooth talker
and again I think that's why it took me so long to
get out because I didn't want to admit that
I had that at home with me.
It is, it's very hard for many people
in the general public even close
friends often don't know
because the abuser is able
to put on a different front.
He would terrorize me by a when I was in the car with him
and he had the road rage beyond anybody's comprehension
and I could never tell when it was coming
it absolutely terrified me I thought I was gonna die
at least six or seven separate times
that I can recall very vividly.
Driving down the road and he'd be perfectly calm and
humming softly to something on the radio and
all of a sudden some person would wiz past him in another car
and then the game would be on and I'd scream and yell and
I would tell him to stop and he'd tell me to
shut up and it was so frightening.
He might show up in a half an hour he might show up at
ten, twelve, three in the morning or the next day and
I had absolutely no idea when he was coming home or
what kind of shape he'd be in when he got there.
He could be drunk or high as a kite, calm, laughing, screaming,
insulting me threatening me and I had no idea it was coming at me.
There are many many concerns that victims have
but it starts off with financial concerns.
They're very worried about how they're going to
make a life if they decide to separate.
They're worried about their children.
They're worried about whether their children
are still going to be able to go to their same school,
are they going to have to move?
Are they going to be able to afford things?
They're worried about how their families are going to react to them.
Are they going to think that she's not a good mother
or she's not a good wife because she wasn't
able to keep the relationship together.
That's her responsibility. They're worried about religious concerns
whether they will still be accepted at their church or their
church community will understand what's going on.
I stay with him of my fear from getting deported
and lose my son so I stayed in the relationship
for long time until one day I realized that it wasn't worth it.
I knew when my family made it pretty clear to me that
I made a big mistake getting pregnant that early and
I had to take responsibility and act like a grown up and
keep my family together and I felt that on top of being a
teen mom to have to admit to my family that I was in a relationship
with an abuser it was just to tough for me to try to bring it forward.
I just had to keep the family together at all costs.
They're also worried about being in danger.
I think we can't underestimate the fact that they're
fearful that something worse may
happen if they make a decision to leave.
It's very frightening and it's a valid concern because
that's a very dangerous time for victims and so they fear for
their own lives, for their children's lives, for their families lives.
They've often been threatened continually and an abuser
carries through on some of these threats
so I think we want to respect that.
I became absolutely paralyzed by fear and
I was afraid to leave and I was also afraid to stay.
My family did a surprise baby shower for me.
When I got home the next morning I opened the door
and the first thing I see is a flying punch to my face
I had blood in my eyes I couldn't even see who did it.
Then once I wiped it I realized that it was him and
then after that I was punched in my stomach being
seven months pregnant and I started having
problems with the pregnancy, the baby stopped moving a lot
I had to go to the hospital weekly to monitor
because the heart rate was going down,
there was no movement, we didn't know what was going on
with the baby and I was too afraid to tell the doctor what had happened.
One day I realized that it wasn't worth it
because I thought he was going to kill me and
because he choked me until I pass out and
ah and that's when I realized I had to get out.