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Meanwhile, King Ahas... Ahas... Ahasvortua
Gezundheit
Was having some trouble sleeping
I cannot sleep
My bed is all lumpy
Eddie come here
And read me a good book
If this does not work
Then you know I'll be grumpy
Better come up with a doozer now
You're on the hook
This night my eyes
Won't shut, so help me sleep
Tomorrow is a long time away
This night we'll read the records
I'll read you the tale of Mordecai's adventures
Stop! Stop!
We can't take any more of this
I can't help it; my voice is changing
But what can we do?
The script says we have to do this scene
What about the abridged version?
The abridged version - great idea!
One two three go!
Mordecai saved your life
Was he rewarded?
No
Get Haman out here now!
How do you reward someone?
He's gonna reward me
You put them in the royal robes
And you put them on the royal horse
And you have a herald take him around town praising him
Great! Haman, you're the herald
Mordecai rides the horse
Do it tomorrow. Good night!
Mordecai? Mordecai? Mordecai the Jew?
I'm so angry! I'm so angry!
I'm going to sing
Alone!
And unabridged
There's a place in Shushan for the angry Haman
With his royal-class ties, and his dastardly plans
He refuses to bend, he refuses to crawl
And he'll never give up until he conquers all
And he's proud of the scars and the battles he's lost
And he'll fight to the finish, no matter the cost
And he likes to be known as the angry Haman
So you better beware of the angry Haman
With his fist in the air, and the world in his hand
The king asked his advice, and he misunderstood
Now it's Mordecai who will be getting the goods
So he goes to his room with a lock on the door
And he'll talk in third person until it's a bore
And he'll always be known as the angry Haman
I thought I'd passed the age
When I must bottle up my rage
I found I always won in a dirty fight
I'll show Mordy who is who
I'll kill that puffed up pompous Jew
And I'll prevail no matter if I'm wrong or right
No, there's no place to hide from the angry Haman
From the gates of Shushan through the rest of the land
A gallows he built just to hang Mordecai
So he can be sure and be there when he dies
And my plot cannot fail; it's impressive as hell
And while I'm on a roll, I'll kill all Jews as well
And then I'll be known as a happy Haman
... that she'd been Jewish all along
and that his most trusted advisor wanted to kill her
So how do you tell your husband
that you've been Jewish all along
and his most trusted advisor wants to kill you?
Haven't any of you ever had that problem?
Sire, we all have a face that we hide away forever
No, that's no good
Sire, honesty is such a lonely word
No, that won't work
Sire, I've been living by a code of silence
Sire, you can make me free
Sire, we didn't start the fire!
Ah! If I only had the words to tell him!
All right, Esther
Turn around, go in, and just tell him about it
Who enters my presence unbidden?
It's your wife, Sire
I know that! I was just being dramatic
Your scepter, Sire
What about it?
If you don't raise it, she dies! Remember the rule?
I was getting to that
On the one hand, I hate these constant interruptions
They make me feel as if I'm running on ice
On the other hand, she is such a temptation
So you're not going to take my head off?
No, I like you just the way you are
But why did you risk your life to come see me?
Sire, I've never told you about my people
Your people?
My people keep separate dishes for milk
And keep separate dishes for meat
My people love their gefilte fish
And knishes are yummy to eat
My people strap little boxes on each
And every morning to pray
My people wear funny hats on their heads
And sew threads of blue on their tallit
I know you're wondering why I'm saying this
Why it matters to our married bliss
I'm gotta tell you
If I'm showing doubt in getting this out
You know it's not easy for me
It's not easy for me to confide
I've tried the best I know how
My people trace their roots as far back
As Isaac and his son Israel
That's right, what you hear me imply
Is that I am of Abraham
I am of Abraham
So that means she's...
Yes - she's Jewish
But why are you telling me this now?
One person hatched a terrible plot
To *** both me and my kin
He bears malice to all of my kind
'Cause he minds the way we do prayer
This person likes to be ruled by his hate
And his anger at having been ignored
This person lies, he tries to pretend
To be your friend, but he doesn't care
I know it's hard to hear what I say
Someone you know has led you astray
Someone you trusted
But please help me survive
To keep me alive, you must punish this horrible man
You must take back the royal decree
That he somehow got you to sign
This person built a gallows just for
My coz Mordecai, who saved your life
So now that I've nothing to lose
I accuse your advisor Haman
Haman is a terrible man
Oh yes Haman is a terrible man
Haman planned to kill the Jews out of spite
But I'm going to change that tonight
Here's my decision
That from below those lovely gallows
That Haman conveniently built
From those gallows, Haman's neck
Though it's thick, will very soon swing
My people will always honor this day
For every generation to come
They'll give thanks that we didn't die
Because I am of Abraham
I am of Abraham
Oh yes I am of Abraham
I have a lot of people to thank
First, I want to thank all my friends who came to see my bar mitzvah today
Judy Raizen, Mae Greentree, Rabbi Michael Ungar, and Ilana Spector
I especially want to thank my best friends
Ken Clubok and Michelle Levin
You guys are always hatching schemes that get us into trouble
But it's a lot of fun
Next I want to thank my big brother Ted Borkan
For not beating up on me too much
I also want to thank my tutor Scott Spira
For teaching me my Torah portion
I also want to thank Ken Clubok
For helping me write my bar mitzvah speech
Finally, I want to thank my mom, Laura Clubok
And my dad, Josh King
For being the best mom and dad ever
We turn to our closing prayer on page 316
So that's the story of Haman and Esther
It's the same story every year
I thought I would try something different
Try again when you can buy beer
Are you disappointed the play's ending so soon?
We could make it longer if we add another showtune
Haman's bad plan shortened his lifespan
Same Purim spiel to me
Don't you think it was a neat twist to make it
All a bar mitzvah speech?
You know you should really lay off the gimmicks
And teach what you gotta teach
We've done Mamma Mia and My Fair Lady
Maybe next year we'll base it on the Bradies
Let's nosh a hamentasch even if it's not posh
Same Purim spiel to me
Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the programs
'Cause they always do the same old scenes
There's a new script this year, but there's no need to fear
'Cause you know they'll be saved by the queen
Dressed like it's Halloween
Don't you think we should wrap up this number
And start serving up some food?
You can really talk sense, Eddie
When you get into the mood
A carnival is fun for Jews of all sizes
We'll play some games, and the kids'll win some prizes
I lost the ring toss, so all I got was dental floss
Same Purim spiel to me
Everybody's talking about the new play, funny
It's the same Purim spiel to me