Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
KRIS: Actually, I do have something special to ask of you...
SCOTT: Oh?
KRIS: I actually, I went ahead and I wrote a story.
KRIS: And I was hoping, that you know, I'm a fan of "Name of the Wind."
KRIS:...and I was wondering if you could read it on the stage with me.
KRIS: Actually there's a part for you too Scott.
SCOTT: Really?
KRIS: Yeah, you know what, here.
KRIS: We're actually going to need some more people.
KRIS: Here you go.
KRIS: You get that copy. Alright.
KRIS: ...and then we need, let's get Mikey.
KRIS: We need one more.
KRIS: Yeah there we go.
KRIS: This is a dream for me, this is great.
((Audience Awwws))
KRIS: We need the mic.
MIKEY: Wait wait...ah there we go.
MIKEY: My brain went (google search) "Mikey + Patrick Rothfuss Gets Destroyed"
MIKEY: I am really nervous right now.
KRIS: I'm really nervous too, I've never shown this to anybody before.
MIKEY: There's a lot of words on here....
KRIS: Alright.
KRIS: The story is called "The Even More Name of the Winds, Plural."
KRIS: A fanfiction by Kris Straub
KRIS: Which will be canonized by Patrick Rothfuss when he reads it on stage.
((Audience laughs))
PATRICK: This is gonna REALLY help me wrap up book three.
PATRICK: Okay, so I start here?
PATRICK: Chapter 1: The Namening
PATRICK. Kote looked around the Waystone Inn, the morning sun beaming in through its shuttered windows.
PATRICK: Last night the people of Newarre had gotten recklessly drunk, and as a result the bar looked super ***.
PATRICK: Can you go buy me a beer?
MIKEY: Yes. Can I just stand right here?
KRIS: Guys. Can we go on with the story? I worked really *** it.
MIKEY: Where'd my beer go? There was beer, I left beer.
PATRICK: "Guess I'd better start by wiping this place down," Kote said as he wiped the bar down with an old wiping rag.
PATRICK: It was his favorite rag. He smiled to himself, remembering everything he'd wiped with this rag:
PATRICK: Mostly, spilled drinks... (and the after effects of "Mikey & Rothfuss get destroyed")...
PATRICK: Oh, I'm sorry...
SCOTT: Stick the the script.
PATRICK: ...but sometimes, also spilled blood.
PATRICK. Then something — a presence — sent a chill straight through him.
PATRICK: "What was that? Is somebody making ice cream in my bones?"
KRIS: It's dramatic...it's supposed to be...
PATRICK: It's SUPER dramatic.
PATRICK. The doorbell rang. Funny, visitors don't usually come this early, thought Kote.
PATRICK: I'd better not answer it. I don't want to do anything to let on that I'm actually Kvothe Kingkiller...
PATRICK: ...aka Maedre, Lightfinger...
PATRICK: ...Sixstring and on and on.
MIKEY. Just then, his assistant Bast appeared.
MIKEY: Bast was concerned lately about Kote's depression. What did he have to be depressed about, anyway?
MIKEY: He was an incredible musician, magic-user and fighter.
MIKEY: Jesus.
MIKEY: "We have a faery saying, Kote:"
MIKEY: 'Sometimes good things are behind a door in the morning, so you should open the door.'
MIKEY: THAT door. You should open THAT door...sorry...
MIKEY: I didn't want to sidetrack your genius.
KRIS: It's gettin' good! It's gettin' good.
PATRICK: "Curse you and your quizzical faery word-riddles!" Kote said.
MIKEY: "You should open the door, Kote," Bast said. They both shared a hearty laugh.
PATRICK & MIKEY: HA HA HA HAAAAAA!
RUDE MAN IN AUDIENCE: Roll a diplomacy check!
KRIS: Hey, this is my moment! Shut the *** up.
PATRICK: I have a feeling I'm going to be kissing Mikey in about half a page.
KRIS: It's getting so good.
KRIS. When Kote opened the front door to the bar, a tall, handsome man stood there,
KRIS: His throaty laugh soaring like man-music.
KRIS: He was dark and ethnic, but not too ethnic.
KRIS: He really looked great.
KRIS: Also he had three magic swords.
KRIS. "Hail, Kote," said the cool and tough-looking stranger, "or should I say... Kvothe Kingkiller?"
MIKEY: Bast's handsome face turned toward the man.
MIKEY: "Wow. This stranger is really 'on the ball,' which is a faery expression."
PATRICK. What the ***? thought Kvothe.
MIKEY: You got this! It's...riveting.
PATRICK: This guy must be as smart as he is strong and handsome.
PATRICK: I can already tell he's either going to be my best friend or my worst nightmare. I SO hope it's the former...
KRIS. "I want to be your best friend," said the stranger.
KRIS: That took some of the edge off.
KRIS: "My name is K'thris Stribe."
KRIS: "Some know me as K'thris Godkiller."
KRIS: "Also Three-Sword."
KRIS: K'thris warmly took Kvothe's hand, and shook it warmly.
PATRICK. "Ha ha," laughed Kvothe, "that proves you're no demon."
PATRICK: "It feels like your hands and muscles are made of pure iron."
KRIS: "YOUR handshake use some work, ha ha," said K'thris.
KRIS: Kvothe smiled. He was really starting to like this dude.
KRIS: "But I'm here to warn you of a great danger. Soon the land will be darkened by the shadow of the Satangod..."
KRIS: "Skrot Krotz."
((Audience laughs))
SCOTT: ....no.
SCOTT: Hmm, i don't know where your head is...
PATRICK: Kvothe shivered. He'd heard of Skrot Krotz and his army of savage, drooling eel-men
PATRICK: I've only killed kings... and this 'Godkiller' is worried?
KRIS. "I'm not worried," said K'thris. "I know I can defeat him..."
KRIS: "but I need a trusted companion with me to chronicle my victory. You are that trusted companion."
PATRICK: Kvothe reeled. What an incredible twist!
PATRICK: Kvothe's amazing life had been chronicled just days before by Chronicler...
PATRICK: ...and now he was being given the chance to chronicle an even more amazing life than his?
((Audience laughs))
PATRICK: "At first I thought this was some kind of fiction," said Kvothe. "But now I know it's real."
PATRICK: "No fiction was ever as well-written as this."
PATRICK: "You are a great writer, Kris." [sic]
PATRICK: It's "Kris" right here.
SCOTT: It says KRIS!
KRIS: Oh. Well..you know what it means...go on.
MIKEY: "As a writer myself, I agree and I can't wait to be friends forever," said Mikey.
MIKEY: That...this says "Mikey," not my character.
KRIS: "Thanks, and I know. We'd better start on our journey together."
KRIS: K'thris readied his three magic swords, two of which were even nicer than Kvothe's sword.
KRIS: (The third one was the same as Kvothe's, but white.)
SCOTT: I'm....not reading my part.
KRIS: No, do your part.
SCOTT: I'm not...
KRIS: It's getting really good.
SCOTT: ((sighs loudly))
SCOTT: "Looks like your journey is at an end before it even started," boomed Lord Skrot Krotz,
SCOTT: ...who used sewermancy to magic his way out of a toilet.
((Audience laughs hysterically, as does Mikey))
MIKEY: I'm cool...I'm good.
SCOTT: Most magic-users never dabble in a magic so vile..
SCOTT: ...but Skrot already smelled — and looked — like a real diarrhea-face.
SCOTT: Kris, this is ***. I'm not gonna read anymore!
KRIS: Hold on a second this is the best part!
PATRICK: In quotes...
PATRICK: "*** you, Scott, Kris is the best."
SCOTT: It's not even in character, you're not even *** hiding it in the metaphor!
KRIS: "I'll tell my story, my way," said K'thris
KRIS: Who in the meantime had combined his three swords into the best of all swords named
KRIS: "The Best of All Swords."
MIKEY: "Go get 'im, handsome," the sword said to Kris.
MIKEY: The ***?!
SCOTT: How long is this ***?
KRIS: Don't read ahead, you'll ruin the end. Don't skip!
SCOTT: Chapter 36: A *** Interlude.
SCOTT: "With Lord Krotz dead, the kingdom is safe to *** again,"
SCOTT: said a *** lass who bore a striking resemblance to Kris' high school crush Amy Plotzmueller.
SCOTT: I'm not...not I'm not reading any more of this ***.
MIKEY: I...could stand to hear a little more.
Scott: No.
KRIS: Then...I'll send you my copy.
SCOTT: No. Give me that
PATRICK: I smell HUGO!
((Audience cheers))
SCOTT: The worst part is that by writer law it is now canon.
SCOTT: That's in your book!
SCOTT: I like how you had three swords...
SCOTT: TWO of which were better than his...
SCOTT: One that was the same as his, but white. So better.
KRIS: Not necessarily...
SCOTT: Well Patrick, thank you. That was fuuuuuuuun.
((audience cheers))
SCOTT: Buy this man's books!