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1
Viewer Discretion Is Adivsed
Honey, don't you think we kind
of overdid it at the Price Club?
I mean, we have enough food here
to feed an army.
Hey, it's not every
day that one of
kids graduates
from high school.
In fact, it's
not every day
that one of our kids
shows up at high school.
I still can't
believe it.
One down, two to go!
Yes!
Hey, there she is!
Our little graduate!
Yes! Our first little bird
is about to fly the coop.
Fly, little birdy! Fly!
So we got
everything we need
for your big par-tay!
Aw, you guys don't have
to do all this for me.
Oh, my little birdy,
this party isn't for you.
It's for me.
Oh, my God! What's all this?
It's for your sister's
graduation party.
Oh, my God! That is great!
The school finally
changed their mind,
and they're going
to let you graduate?
You! Always with the jokes!
Oh, get out of here.
Seriously.
Go.
Get
I I I don't understand.
You're you're not graduating?
Well
How how is this possible?
Our gardener's daughter
is graduating,
and she only got to
this country a year ago.
Would you stop?
I'm going to graduate.
I just missed a few gym classes,
and I'm getting an incomplete.
It's no big deal.
I just have to
make them up this summer,
and then I'll graduate.
I don't even know
where to start.
I do.
I do.
I'm going to go talk
to that principal.
I tried that.
I even talked to him
like baby voice, and I cried.
That man has no heart.
Oh, yeah? Well,
when I'm done with him,
he's going
to have no Hillary.
Okay? A few
weeks from now,
this house is going
to be full of people
celebrating your
graduation, okay?
Including everyone
in this neighborhood
who's ever looked
at me with that
"Some people shouldn't be
allowed to be a father" look.
That's a lot of people.
Hey, ladies!
Tough day
at the glitter factory?
It's not funny.
We were the victims
of the senior prank.
A bunch of them
came into the cafeteria
with super-shooters
filled with honey.
And the next
thing you know,
they're covering
our sticky bodies with glitter.
It all happened so fast,
my head is still spinning.
Well, if it keeps spinning,
you can always rent it out
as a disco ball.
We can't take this lying down!
You're right.
We have to retaliate.
Okay, I'm going to get started
on a scathing letter
to the editor
of the school paper.
And a "Thanks
for nothing" note to the art teacher
for not locking
up the supplies!
That's your idea of revenge?
What, do you have
a better idea?
Look, I'm not going to lie.
It's going to be hard
to beat a scathing letter,
but think I can handle it.
Just leave it to me,
and those seniors will be sorry
they ever messed with you.
Revenge is sweet!
Especially when you're
covered in honey!
All right, well, what
about this? Listen.
"Principal Fink, Hillary
was too embarrassed
"to get dressed
in gym class
because she's a he-she.
"
Dave, it's 2:00 in the morning.
Would you stop worrying
about this and get some sleep?
Oh, I'm too hyped up.
I'm never going
to fall asleep.
Unless
Please, God, no.
Come on.
It's nature's
sleeping pill.
Pharmacy's closed.
Come back tomorrow.
I'm sorry, honey.
I love you, but I'm exhausted.
There's no way
I'm getting out of this bed,
and going in that bathroom,
and dealing with that diaphragm.
Fine, fine.
Let's try nature's
other sleeping pill.
So tell me about your day.
Mr.
Gold, how can I put this?
I don't give a crap!
Hillary should have taken her
responsibilities more seriously.
Oh, but I really did.
Bup, bup, bup!
Just zip it!
Let me deal with this.
Okay? Look,
I completely agree with you,
Principal Fink, okay?
And where does a child
learn responsibilities?
In school!
That's right, Fink!
This is all your fault, okay?
Look, I'm a reasonable man.
And, if you allow Hillary
to graduate on time,
I'll forget
all about my lawsuit.
Go ahead and sue me.
I have no money.
I'm an educator.
I drive an '83 Mercury Zephyr.
You want it, you can have it.
Come on, come on, come on.
There's got to be something
we could do here.
I mean, can't we
work this out man to man?
I'm a woman.
Yeah.
And a beautiful one.
Look, Mr.
Gold,
even if I did like you,
and wanted to do you a favor-.
and I don't, and I don't--
the state requires
that she pass P.
E.
Come on! Think, Fink!
This is your opportunity
to be rid of Hillary Gold
once and for all!
If I were you,
I would
be attaching a rocket
to her ***
and shooting her
out into space!
I mean, seriously,do you really want
this girl in your school
a minute longer than necessary?
You know, I haven't quite
thought about it like that.
Okay.
But she has
to pass the President's
Physical Fitness Challenge,
and do it
in the top ten percentile.
Graduation is in three weeks.
She better be ready.
Gosh! Thank you so much,
Principal Fink.
Thank you.
Not so fast, cupcake.
That means
you're going to have
to be able to run a mile
in under eight minutes,
do 25 push-ups
in three minutes,
and 50 sit-ups
in two minutes.
Isn't that a little
tough for a girl?
I can do it.
I repeat, isn't that
a little tough for a girl?
You know, last night
really got me thinking.
It would be
so great to have
spontaneous sex
without all the preparation.
You mean without
getting drunk first?
Don't be silly.
We're still doing that.
No, I mean, you know, maybe
we should start thinking
about alternate forms
of birth control.
Maybe it's
time to have
a simple little
surgical procedure done
so that we never have
to worry about it again.
Great.
Great.
You'd be willing to do that for me?
Me? No.
You!
Me? No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no! You!
Dave, it's no a big deal.
A vasectomy takes,
like, 30 minutes,
it's done right
in a doctor's office.
You'll hardly
even notice!
Whoa! I beg
to differ, okay?
I think I'll notice
if someone starts
doing construction
on my playground.
Dave, I've pushed
out three kids.
I've had so much work
done down there,
there should be scaffolding
and an Andy Gump porta-potty.
Sorry, honey.
It's your turn.
No, that's not
a good idea, sweetie.
All right, so you
don't want to do it,
and I don't
want to do it.
There's only one solution--
we both do it.
Oh, come on, that's
the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
You know what? Let's
just leave things the way they are.
I don't want anyone else
playing with my shmekel.
Oh, I want our love life
to be wild and exciting again.
Come on.
Let's compromise
and both make a sacrifice.
Isn't that what
love is all about?
What if I say no?
Then we're never
having sex again!
Fine, but if you
really want things to be wild and exciting,
you know, we could always bring in
another woman
who has had
her tubes tied.
That would
be cool, right?
Or, you know, we
could both have it done.
I think that's better.
Let's go with that.
Okay, Good, good.
Okay, I've been up
all night brainstorming.
I think you're both
going to be very pleased.
Wow! You know, this is the first
time I've ever been excited
about having a little brother
since they brought you home
from the hospital
and I realized no one would
pay attention to me ever again.
So what have you got?
Okay.
I have 20 ideas here,
all of which are world-class.
Okay, well, I don't
want anything mean-spirited.
Okay, I have one idea.
It's guaranteed to work.
It's simple,
it's elegant,
it's rats.
Rats?
Hundreds of them.
And we release them just
as Principal Fink announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen
I give you the graduating class of 2007.
"
Cue "Pomp and Circumstance,"
screaming begins,
pandemonium ensues.
Yeah, I like it.
Kenny?
I don't like it.
I love it!
So urologist, huh?
Guess you don't bring
your work home with you, huh?
You know, at one point, I considered the idea
of being a gynecologist.
But then I figured,
"You work in a candy factory,
the last thing you feel like
is a Snickers bar after work.
"
(both chuckling)
Know what I mean? Okay!
Looks like
we're good to go.
So, you have any
other questions before we get started?
No.
We're good.
We're good.
I'm just wondering, nothing
can go wrong here, right?
Oh, God, no! No, no.
It's a very
common procedure.
Nothing ever
goes wrong.
Okay, good.
Although, technically,
I should warn you, there's
a slight risk of infection
which could potentially lead
to impotence.
Whoa, whoa.
Impotence?
Of the ?
Dave, relax.
It's never happened to
one of my patients.
I mean, the odds
are so low.
It's like one in 5,000.
Well, how many of these
operations have you done?
Oh, a lot.
I'd say,
oh almost 5,000.
Oh??
Was this like the worst
day of your life?
I don't want to even think
about what happened
to me today, okay?
Hey, miss, can I get
another one of these?
Matter of fact,
make it a pitcher.
They were so worried
about me driving home,
they almost took my keys away.
How are you
doing, sweetie?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm in a lot of pain,
but my doctor said,
you know, that's
to be expected.
Yeah, yeah, that's what
my doctor said, too.
A lot of pain.
That's actually
what I'm going
through right now,
but you know me-- I
don't like to complain.
Ooh.
Ow.
So, is there like, a scar?
Yeah, well, it's a teeny,
tiny, teeny-weeny little scar.
But, you know, compared to the
main attraction down there
everything is
gonna look small.
But, but how you
doing, sweetie?
How are you
coming along?
I'm all right, but
my doctor said
I had to wait
like, you know,
seven days before I can
ride the main attraction.
Yeah.
How about you?
Yeah, that's what
mine said, too.
You know, but, so we'll
just you know, think
of the next week as a
little vacation from sex and
an opportunity to
get to know each other
on a deeper, more
spiritual level.
Oh Hey, can you
give me the remote?
The ballgame's on.
Ow!
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, uh, aren't
you supposed to be
training for
your gym test?
Oh, I already did.
Really?
On your feet, please.
Hop to.
Interesting.
I don't detect
any moisture.
Or odor.
That's because I don't
perspire-- I'm a lady.
You're a Gold, which means
you sweat like a pig.
Which also means
you're a liar.
Come on, now,
we got two weeks
to get you into shape--
Come on, let's go down
to the high school
track and work out.
All right? You were
conceived on that field,
and you're gonna graduate
on that field.
Let's go! Game!
Ah, come on.
It's 14 minutes.
It's too slow.
Again.
Go!
Move it or lose it.
Go on, go on.
Ahh! Come on! You're up!
Go on.
There you go.
There you go.
All right!
Good girl.
Come on.
There you go.
Hey
There you go.
Yeah.
And again.
Yeah.
Yeah
What are you stopping for?!
Go! Go! Move!
You're an embarrassment!
Eighteen
Nineteen
And
Twenty!
I hate you!
Hurray!
Zero minutes!
Oh.
Wait.
Crap.
I-I forgot
to start the watch.
Again!
Run!
Forty-five
Forty-six
DAVE:
Yeah.
(panting)
Forty-seven.
I quit.
I'm giving up.
No.
What do you
mean, you quit?
Come on, you can't
quit.
Let's go.
No, I'm not giving up.
My body's giving up.
I'm in pain, okay?
Everything hurts.
She's gotta do 50 sit-ups
in two minutes,
and she's done 47
and that's a big tick-tock.
Oh, come on,
come on, come on.
It's only three more sit-ups.
Look, I'll do them with you.
Let's go.
Come on.
One! Two!
Crap, this is hard.
Come on, come
on, let's go!
I I'm a
total loser.
I can't even pass P.
E.
Oh, you think you're
a loser now?
Huh? Well, then,
wait till next year
when all your friends
are off at college
and you're living at home,
working at the mall,
wearing an apron with a pin
that says, "Hi, I'm Hillary,
Can I help you select your
favorite cheese today?"
COACH:
There you're gonna
be, day after day,
working for minimum wage,
fending off the advances of
your 300-pound manager,
until one day you might say,
"Maybe that fat
animal's not so bad.
"
So what's it
gonna be, huh?
Three more sit-ups, or a
lifetime of giving blood
just to make extra money?
That's how I got the down
payment for the Zephyr.
No.
Come on.
you can do this!
She did it.
All right.
You did it.
That's good.
Good job, sweetie.
You did it.
You did it.
Hey, sweetie.
W-What
are you doing here?
Is everything okay?
No.
I just spoke to your doctor.
Oh, crap.
She knows the truth.
I have a feeling she's about
to sterilize me herself.
You, you, you talked
to my doctor?
Is, uh
is everything okay?
Yes.
And he told me
to come right over here.
And check your vital signs.
It has been over a week.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
Congratulations.
A lot of hard work.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Ellen Rosoff.
Whoo!
Yeah!
Ellen, congratulations.
This is it.
It's time.
Let the rats out.
Uh.
.
Actually, the pet shop
didn't have a hundred rats.
In retrospect, we probably
should've called ahead.
But don't worry, we have
something just as good.
Crickets.
Crickets.
Crickets?
You guys, that
is so lame.
It's still gonna
freak people out.
Yeah.
Hey.
W What happened?
There were 500 of them in there.
You guys lost your crickets?
Well, they have
to be somewhere.
$20 worth of crickets
don't just disappear.
Brenda Foster.
Kiss my ***,
Principal Fink!
Taye Marshall.
Thanks, pops.
Yo.
Keep it real.
John France.
All right.
All right, get up.
Come on, Hillary's next.
This is the moment
we've been waiting for.
Honey, I don't know
what's wrong with me.
I-I-I don't feel very
Oof.
Hillary Gold.
Oh, yeah.
Ah! Oh, my back.
Oh, my legs.
My everything.
All right, come on,
come on, go up there.
Go on, go on-- hurry up
before he changes his mind.
Ah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
Hey.
This is for you, Dad!
That's me! I'm the dad.
She's talking about me.
Ha-ha.
Isn't that great, sweetie?
You did it.
We did it.
Oh.
Wow.
You're more excited
than I am.
Hey.
Hey.
If you guys don't
find these crickets,
I'm calling an exterminator.
For you.
Hey, this party's
going great-- hey
How you feeling?
I'm still feeling really queasy.
Yeah, well, how do you think
the lady you threw up on feels?
Oh, I don't know
what's wrong with me.
Oh, sweetie, I think I
understand what's going on here.
You have a little case
of empty nest syndrome.
I have a similar thing, but it's
called empty nest euphoria.
No, I gotta
see my doctor.
I mean, I've been nauseous
every morning,
my feet are swollen and my
*** are really tender.
Ooh, can I see?
Don't touch me.
All right, calm down.
I haven't felt this bad
since the last time I was
What?
No.
Come on,
that's impossible.
I mean, you can't
be pregnant.
Y-y-you had the
thing done, right?
You did have the
thing done, right?
Please, tell me that
you had the thing done.
Vicky, tell me you
had the thing done.
Y-y-you didn't have it done?
H-h-how could you
not have it done?
Y-y-you said you were
gonna have it done.
NO ,I was never gonna do it.
I only said I was gonna do
it to get you to agree to do
something that you should have
agreed to do in the first place.
I spent that afternoon at
a day spa getting massaged.
But it doesn't matter
because I can't be pregnant
because you had it done.
Okay, now I'm starting
to feel nauseous.
Dave? What?
You didn't have it done?
Dave, please tell me you
had it done.
Come on, you had it done.
Honey, tell me you had it done.
Of course you had it done.
You had it done, right?
You had it done.
Dave, you had it done?
Dave, did you have it done?
Dave, tell me you had it done.
Yeah, you have it done!
Right? You have it done!
I ?
It's okay.
And you
Ah, it's okay.
Why?!
Why?!
Wow!
For three dollars a liter,
that Price Club ***
really packs a wallop.
Yeah, I haven't seen Dad
cry like this
since I tried out
for Little League.
I-I think I know
why they're so upset.
I'm all grown up.
I'm leaving home.
Oh come on
you guys.
Just look at
the bright side, okay?
The school year's
only nine months long,
and three short trimesters
and your baby's back home.