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Hey guys so today I want to talk about Facebook. If you don't know what Facebook is, you know
what Facebook is, never mind. Quick history lesson first it was cool, then they let high
school kids in, then it got a little weird, then they had the like button which was cool
until you realized you were an unwitting advertising agent and data mule making Facebook even more
*** money. Then they had the social network with Jesse What's His Name and New Spiderman.
Then everyone's mom joined. Then Zuckerberg took all of our private information and blackmailed
everyone until he took over the world and oh wait that hasn't happened yet. Birthdays
are pretty much the only useful thing about Facebook, I really like telling people happy
birthday. What annoys me is when five people have the same *** birthday on the same
day and then I have to be like Happy b day Ted. Happy Happy Arthur. Happy Berfday Tiffany.
Happy pop out of a *** day, Dad. I like that there's like a today's this kids birthday,
tomorrow's this kid's birthday. But I wish there was a yesterday was this kid's birthday
so you can still say happy belated. Two days ago was the other guy's birthday and you almost
blew it. And two weeks ago was your mom's birthday and you are a total *** because
you forgot. There are certain topics that you cannot talk about it's basically first
date *** no politics, no religion. Do you know how *** annoying it is I mean and
it's both extremes whether it's like *** I love God, he's the best god ever blah blah
blah, or there is no God you guys are all idiots for believing in God. Guess what? You're
both *** jerkoffs. Stop talking about it. Cut it out, I need to get back to tagging
my buddy in the picture of him passed out drunk. Any post with the word Obama in it?
Forget it I'm not even reading it. And then there's definitely just the flat out, inappropriate
posts. There's never been a bigger avenue for TMI than Facebook. Filing my divorce papers,
YOLO. Check it out y'all these STD tests proves I'm not a ho. Man, this diarrhea is really
getting in the way of my ***. LOL has anyone seen my diaphragm? There's posts
about your job. God I hate my boss he's such a ***. I deserve a raise I work five
days a week. Inappropriate. Like are you out of your *** mind you realize the whole
point of this is that other people can see this right? I really like seeing the progression
of a breakup. Typically someone will keep posting sad breakup song lyrics. To the left
to the left. Since you been gone. And I'm here to remind you. Cry me a river. Then there
are all these cryptic breakup phrases. Being with no one is better than being with the
wrong one. You cannot fly with broken wings and you cannot love with a broken heart. Don't
even act like I never meant anything to you. And then all of a sudden it's like Oh single
out with my girls tonight. Back in the game ladies check me out. YEs I'm single and you're
going to have to be amazing to change that. Like come on. It's ok. You're going to be
ok. Venting on Facebook is not going to help. But you're gonna be fine. Lately what's killing
me is these *** showoffs. I don't really care that you listened to a Bruno Mars playlist
on spotify. Just like I don't care that you read an article about Ukranian attack dolphins.
You know what's cool? Listening to a song you like or reading an article you like, but
I don't have to *** hear about it. *** yourself. What kills me are these things about
***, if you don't share this you're an ***. Sadly, 97% of Facebook users won't
share, like or repost this. In 1964 a brilliant young scientist attempted a science experiment.
The experiment went haywire and the resulting explosion severely scarred the young man's
face. After being unfairly expelled from Empire State University the young man dedicated his
life to bettering the world using his vast knowledge of mathematics, physiology, mechanical
engineering, and spirituality. He didn't have to, but he did. Share Like or Repost if you're
one of the 3% that's not afraid to say " Thank you DR. DOOM." Reposting for selfish ***
is stupid too. Newsflash, if you're signing a petition on Facebook you're not signing
a petition. Southwest Airlines is not giving away a free gift cart. Just like Apple is
not giving away free iPads. Get it together. I hate to say it, but even on Facebook if
it's too good to be true it probably is. Certain status updates are *** brutal. Especially
when you're in a relationship. Pasta, a movie, and vino perfect night with my boo, but not
until I post on Facebook about it. I'm so lucky to have this girl, I'm trying to convince
you as much as I am myself. Cooking dinner for my Boo, wifey status, even though we're
both fourteen and a half. LIke enjoy your life don't enjoy posting on Facebook about
it. Talk about overused quotes there's a *** billion of them. Here are some of my favorites.
You gotta dance like no one's watching, love like you've never been hurt, sing like no
one's listening and live like it's heaven on earth. I'd rather laugh with the sinners
than die with the saints. I'm selfish impatient and a little insecure, but if you can't handle
me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. You're only as strong as the
drinks you mix and the tables you dance on. Two roads diverged. Be who you are and say
what you feel cuz those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Shoot for
the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars. Then there's all these three word
phrases that drive me *** crazy. Eat pray love. Live laugh love. I love lamp. In this
economy. Gym tan laundry. Is it in? Today is a gift. Never look back. Death before dishonor.
Knowledge is power. Resistance is futile. Ride or die. Whiskey tango foxtrot. Fire ze
missiles. *** juggling thunder ***. Alright maybe those are kinda cool. This whole YOLO
carpe diem thing really grinds my gears. Can we all just agree that YOLO is just a reckless
carpe diem? Without fail, every holiday is full of some smart *** posts. Did you know
that christmas is really a pagan holiday? Valentine's day is totally made up. It's a
made up holiday by the advertising industry. Columbus day is just celebrating how the Europeans
slaughtered the native americans and stole their land. Like shut the *** up you got
the day off from school who gives a ***. Now there's mother *** babies on Facebook.
Think about that for a second. Your whole god damn life is going to be on Facebook.
You know what that means? That means one day there's going to be a president of the united
states and we can click over to his profile and say, Oh look there he is at an 80s party,
there he is playing flip cup, there he is passed out with a sharpie *** drawn on his
face. Presidential debates they're going to be like, I see here in 1998 you liked Nickleback?
So Mr. Senator, what makes you think you can balance the federal budget when you can't
even handle your farm coins on farmville. I don't know, I guess it's just a weird world
we live in, and all I'm really saying is, share this video on Facebook, like this video
on Facebook, send me a gift on Facebook, like my fan page on Facebook, poke me on Facebook,
friend me on Facebook, tag me on Facebook, be my mafia friend on Facebook, *** me on
Facebook, check me in on Facebook, photo bomb me on Facebook, be my Farmville farm hand
on Facebook and play me in words with friends on Facebook and just love me on Facebook cuz
if you don't love me on Facebook you don't love me in real life, right?
Thanks for watching the video if you like *** me. Thanks for watching if you like the
video, please subscribe, if you don't like the video please subscribe. I'm Max No Sleeves
and I will see you next Tuesday. That's me in the middle.