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So bass fishing is a pro sport now. It’s official - I saw it on ESPN.
Apparently they’re trying to convince us that anything that you can drink while doing is a legitimate sport.
You got poker, billiards, darts.
By the way bars have dartboards because having a bunch of drunks heave sharp objects around a crowded room is
one of the few ways that Darwinism can still exist today, so thank you for that. Keep up the good work. Doing your part.
Bowling’s another one of those kinds of sports,
one of the few sports where onion rings can be considered a performance enhancing substance.
Anyone a bowler here? Anyone in the front a bowler? Yeah, me either, I wouldn't admit it to it.
Me, I’m not much of a bowler, I usually just drink when I go to a bowling alley.
I try not to bowl, don’t want to put anybody’s eye out.
I was at a bowling alley recently and they had a sign advertising Retro Night on Sundays.
isn’t every night retro night at a bowling alley?
Bowling alleys can do whatever kind of theme nights they want, you know,
people are always wandering around wearing bowling shirts, those masterworks of fashion,
there’s no pretense of image a bowling alley has to try to maintain.
It’s not like doing Bum Fight Saturday Nights will really make people think less of the place.
All right, we'll write that one off.
So what evolutionary trait was it that made man so intrigued by the smell of his own farts?
One of life's great mysteries.
So I’m not much a strip club guy, I’ve been to like one strip club,
I mean like thousands of times, but just the one place.
For whatever reason, strippers always feel obligated to tell you that they’re dancing their way through school.
“I’m gonna be a doctor.” Sweetie, you’re in community college and have an affinity for Vicodin --
you’re gonna be a stripper.
The worst part about strippers though? They never seem to know that they’re pregnant.
You’re just sitting there getting a lapdance,
then all of sudden there’s a lot more crying in the Champagne Room than usual.
This one time I was just sitting down at the strip club, minding my own business…
as much as you can do that a strip club,
when this stripper walks over and sits down on me,
not like she’s going to give me a lap dance or anything, she just plops down on top of me, parks it.
After a failed attempt at conversation, I sat there awkwardly until she got up,
at which point I looked down at where she’d been sitting.
It looked like I’d been slimed Ghostbusters-style, but instead of ectoplasm I was covered in glitter and
stripper drippins.
Needless to say, I burned the clothes and killed the stripper… haven’t been back since.
Nah, I don’t kill strippers. I’m not a politician.
I used to wear this rubber bracelet that said “Remember Oral Typhoid Vaccine”.
It made a lot more sense when I was going to Morocco and actually needed to take the vaccine,
but I kept wearing it for a while afterwards, thought it was kind of funny.
Then someone at work came up to me and was almost like scolding me the whole thing,
like “Mitch, those rubber bracelets are supposed to remind you about something important.”
So I got these made that say “Remember to Pull Out”.
Hey that's all the time I have. Thank you very much, this has been a lot of fun.
I'm Mitch Rose.