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This next one's called A Loose Definition of Okay.
This one gets a little intense too, I think. Tears stream down my face and you look
at me like you’re watching a lion that escaped from the zoo, waiting for me to
attack. I’m not attacking, but you back away slowly as I fall to the floor.
“Don’t worry,” I say forcing a smile to appear on my face.
“I am okay.” But you roll your eyes, shake your head, and
take another step back. The tears won’t stop and you keep walking
backwards, step after step. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you’re here to see this. I’m sorry I can’t hide this.
I’m sorry I want to run away and never come back.
I’m sorry I thought I could make it through a train ride without crying.
I’m sorry I didn’t stay home by myself. I’m sorry I ruin everything.
I’m sorry I’m ruining us. I’m sorry I’m still here.
I’m sorry I’m still alive.
You’re a million miles away now and I’m still stuck.
Sinking. Into the ground where I’ve been standing.
Sinking. I’m not stopping.
Sinking. Drowning.
My head beneath the water. Barely breathing.
Losing. Losing myself in the knots tangling my thoughts.
Losing the smile I used to fake to keep them from questioning, to keep myself from crying.
Losing you. Losing
me. Suffocating.
I’ve reached the bottom of the ocean, but I can
still see you getting better. I want you to get better.
Please get better. Please don’t forget about me.
Because, truth is, I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I’m not
okay. I’m not *** okay.
I just took my first step out of the house I built when I was 5 called
denial. Now I can see the cuts on my hips that keep getting deeper.
I can see the weight I’ve lost since the last time I ate a real meal.
I can see. Everything.
I’m not *** okay. I need help.
I need someone. I need someone to stay.
I need you.
Please come back.