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Everytime... the day after a party...
...we all remember at least one moment...
...in which we had better gone home and we just preferred not to.
Even when it had been the right thing to do.
From last night I remember a total number of...
...5
2x09 - Black Christmas
It's not fair that my dinner for Christmas Eve has been...
...fried sandwiches, beer and clams in American sauce.
And canapés... Do not forget about the canapés.
Of course... little triangles of soft bread with chopped pork.
No champagne... No jamón... No prawns... None!
What you think you are, you crackpot! A bourgeois? A freaking Archduke?
Then go to your *** house to have some jamón you're no longer sought!
I would! But I don't wanna leave you alone for Christmas.
You have no Christmas spirit whatsoever
Neither a tree, nor a Santa, nor a sock hanging over the fireplace, Kaki...
Santa you say? The hell with *** Santa!
Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Baby Jesus in Bethlehem.
There wasn't any Christmas tree there, or any gay pride decoration...
...they didn't eat any jamón or prawns, or champagne... Nothing at all!
Were there those things in Bethlehem by that time?
Were there...?! We've eaten the same as the ***, Saint Joseph and Baby Jesus.
For ***'s sakes...!
Aham... So you say they had sandwiches and beer in Bethlehem.
Exactly! Lamb sandwiches... And beer is really old, since the Egyptians!
Just so you know! You ignorant!
You're done drinking for the night.
Have you noticed Kaki? He's changed a lot since he got laid.
- Not that much, uh? I thought he'd be more relaxed. - Really?
Anyways, he's partying with us tonight and it must be spectacular.
Dude, what about your grandpa? Why don't you bring him?
Your grandpa is freaking hilarious. We'd have laughed our *** off.
Whatcha saying, man! My grandpa here.
He's *** whiny! Besides, after all the burden's on me.
No way, no way.
I've left him at the best place possible with the best babysitters.
It's really simple, dude, you just have to check on him and give him these pills.
10.00, 11.30, and 13.45.
Easy.
And if he has to pee or whatever...
...you have to hold his ***.
Or have a mop next to him or whatever, okay?
Ok, grandpa, sit over there in the middle.
Make some room for him, dammit!
You'll have a blast, he's real fun.
I'll come pick him up tomorrow, or the day after, okay?
- Take care of him, ok? Bye, grandpa! - See ya, Lefty.
Don't get him wet! Keep him away from the light.
And never... ever feed him after midnight.
Gizmo... ***!
Electricity company...
***!
What are you doing, fella? Why you do all this ***?
So that he keeps talking to me... I do it for the influence.
Look, Sir. Listen to me.
Every Christmas, we do a theme marathon of good cinema...
...and this year we have films from the 80s.
We start off with 'Tron', followed by 'Willow'...
...well, 'Conan the Barbarian' comes for sure.
Then 'Terminator', 'Back to the Future'...
...'Mad Max II', 'Akira'...
...'Ghostbusters'...
...and to end with...
...'The Return of the Jedi' and 'The Empire Strikes Back'.
- And 'The Goonies' - Well, that one only if we have the time.
This is serious. And if we want to, we can disguise ourselves.
By the power of Grayskull!
Dammit yea!
That's the 'Truffle Shuffle'.
We've filled up the bottles, right? We leavin' or what?
Let's see if we're lucky and the bouncers ain't a pain in the ***.
Don't be a jinx, you fool! Today's Christmas and we're all suited up.
Look, the hood is ours. Everyone is in such a good mood.
We're gonna have a blast.
- Come on with me, I rule this all up. - Lefty just can't handle a few...
You spoilt brats! Let me through!
- Where you goin'? - Yo, dude... whatcha doin'?
No, I'm sorry. We're full.
No! You need a membership card.
No! You can't in... those brown shoes.
No! You must be at least 26...
...and two months.
Let me see... Show me your abs...
No, it's not enough. You can't get in.
First time.
Always the same. Let someone in, we've got money to pay.
- Always asking for money... - Always the same nonsense every time we come.
Dammit cousin! Lefty! How you doin'? Merry Christmas for ***'s sakes!
High as ***!
- What up, dude? - Cousin?!
Cousin... well, he's Robredo's nephew and now he calls me 'cousin'.
Of course man! Second or third cousin... whatever.
I just left one behind and I find a new one. What can I do?
You wanna get in 'Mamba' or what? This is awesome, but these bouncers...
This is ***! But there are some easy biatches, I swear to your meemaw.
The thing is here we have Flik and Flak, they're two in a watch.
Why don't we... go wreck his car?
-No, wait! Let's get in... -But why? -I'll talk to them.
-How's it goin' 'boss'? -You can't get in.
Damn why? Can't you see we are with a disabled person? This is racism!
Look son, I can see trouble written on the face, that's why I'm here.
And I don't trust you. You look like solid sons of ***.
And do you know why I know? For I am too a real son of a ***.
A ***, freaking, ***-facing son of a ***.
-Listen to me Sir. -Do not touch me!
Listen Sir, we've driven a bunch of miles to get here.
We come from the East, beyond Sevilla East and...
...a lot of doors have already shut before us and...
...I don't know. It's Christmas please!
Don't you feel pity? Haven't you got a heart?
Ok c'mon in... But I'll tell you something, hairmat...
You still look like a son of a big fat ***!
And if you make a mess inside there... I'll punch you in the eye, I swear to Jesus.
Okay... thanks dude! Merry Christmas!
Listen... the one who comes behind me... I don't know him at all.
And he sells pills too!
Have a good evening.
What? What's wrong? Cousin! Cousin!
Call me for the rave!
An average guy, in general terms...
...goes party with the initial intention of having a complete night.
The package consists exclusively of alcohol, laughs and sex.
Over time, one learns to analize the situation.
Like the lion which spies on the herd of gnus...
...before it runs off to get the most tender.
In this jungle, women can be classified in three groups:
First we have the 'Cobras'. They're easy to recognize.
They dance with self-confidence...
...without looking around.
They don't need to.
For they are the center of a mini-galaxy of vultures...
...that spend all night long spinning around their orbits.
Their dancing is seductive and defensive...
...like the Queen Cobra itself.
Then we've the 'Hyenas'.
Destined to try their luck with the same old carrion.
They're recognizable because, like us...
...they keep on looking for a complicit gaze that will make them feel human.
Now, in contrast with 'Cobras', they are unique.
It looks like the mold was broken after creating each of them.
Thank God...
***!
Dammit... that's mean!
Excuse me!
Listen Lord!
Hey God!
Listen to me...
...I was trying out the new mold and...
...a piece of *** came out... It's very wrong.
This is an old bat, *** it.
I don't know... The figurine is disgusting!
What shall I do?
I throw it away, don't I?
And the hell with it, right?
It doesn't have any shape at all!
***...
What?
Ok... ok...
I'll put her too...
I put the figurine.
And let her be a martyr.
Ok, but I throw the mold away!
I'll break it, dammit, it's completely useless.
This has no shape whatsoever. It's a piece of ***.
*** it!
Lefty is their salvation.
Having in mind that they're his main target...
...he's a damn lucky ***.
And they are grateful for having success before 5 am sometimes.
Go on! Go on! Harder! More! Give me more!
But what is this!? What a fat shotgun!
And last we have the most interesting ones:
The 'Swans'.
Old hyenas that due to the mischief of genetics and time...
...have turned into docile 'Cobras'.
At times, this transformation occurs so fast...
...that they aren't completely aware of the situation.
Or sometimes they just want to make up for lost time.
They're recognizable for not having got rid of the tic of looking around them.
These... are my specialty.
For ***'s sake!
Are you retarded or what?
You know how hard is it to remove bulk alcohol stains!?
Sorry, I didn't see you, buddy.
Buddy you say?
I'm not your *** buddy, you moron!
Dude, dude! Good Christmas mood, man! To infinity and beyond, dammit!
Of course... you're down there...
But don't worry! I'll clean it up for you! An eye for an eye!
An eye for an eye? An eye for a tooth!
Second time.
Leave me go you suckers! I didn't start it!
I told you so, you hairmat!
I'mma go look for another ambulance.
Well, do you want it or not? There're more interested candidates.
Yes, but... It doesn't look like a pure Dalmatian.
Are you sure that...?
Listen Sir... I've been training dogs for almost 20 years...
...and this is a Dalmatian! With pure... the purest pedigree!
Only that it hasn't grown up yet.
It will get more spots.
Anyways... your daughter will love it!
For you... 200.
Ok, you're the specialist... I'll give you... 100.
200.
150!
200.
A'right!
There you go.
Nice... Merry Christmas!
How's it goin', kiddos! Merry Christmas!
How's it goin'? How's it goin', you say?
'Thanks' to Kaki we've been kicked out of the only club we could get in.
That's it! Better! The whole place stank like an armpit!
Since smoking is not allowed... *** my life...!
But that's because you roll under the general armpit line...
Go *** yourself, you ***... Stinking like whiskey!
Anyways... the plan is... a spliff and head home, bro!
The hell you're headin' home!
Come with me. I'm taking you to the hottest clubs in town.
A'right, I like that, bro. Let's go.
Yo, ***!
We're gonna end up like in 'Hostel', with the finger in the ***... you'll see.
One, two.. rice stew.
To paprika...
...more paprika.
The milkwoman...
...yes, my Lady.
Opened up a dairy shop.
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a tiger by its toe.
If it roars, let it go. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.
Holy molly... Jesus ain't calling.
He was born in Bethlehem. The cross brought him to death.
Alright! Come on in!
Come in already, you nut!
Put me down!
Thanks, Romina. It's on the boss, sweetie!
Hear me out, Rat. I dunno how you do it...
...I know you're gonna tell me not to ask...
...but you always manage to surprise us.
Me... I do wanna ask you.
See... I gotta tell you something.
I know I'm always doing weird stuff...
...and I never explain anything at all...
...but ever since I came back to the hood...
Get on with it, man!
Ok... I work for one of the most influential men in town...
...and I'm his right hand.
The *** one?
Come on... who's that guy?
Hey! If it isn't my favourite boy...
...and his junkie friends.
Third time.
Boss, the Dalmatian is already sold.
Very good! Your pal's pure gold...
...and that proves my theory that you can find a jewel in every garbage dump.
-The club is pimpin'! -What?
-The club... it is pim-pin'! -I can't hear you!
I say it's ***'!
Hey! Would you turn down that *** music!
Now... what did you say, son?
The club... it is... pimpin'.
I know, right?
Hey, do you like poker?
You do, don't you?
Ok, let's go. I'll show you the VIP room.
Right. Over there.
Hey, yo, my drink.
"Juan Luis, you're a ***!"
Bring that guy on his knees!
Gentlemen, sorry for the interruption...
...but this *** boom-clap music makes me sick.
This isn't music! There's no dance or anything for this!
C'mon, DJ... you cost me a fat load of money.
Play some classics, this is Christmas!
What do I know... play 'Macarena' or some Pasodoble or something.
Let's get out of here.
Well... what do you think? Shall we play some Christmas cards?
You all take a seat.
Can I offer you something? A canapé? Some jamón?
Jamón for example.
Good evening, gentlemen. Welcome to Don Luis Poker.
The best clandestine tables in the hood.
The most artistic hood in town. The best town in the world.
Don Luis Poker-oker-oker...
What game do you prefer? Showing cards? Texas Hold'em or classic?
Sevens for example.
Don Luis, we play without a 'coupier'. You pay to all these guys.
Ok... alright, calm down, Soldier.
Pepi... please.
Sexy, right?
She was Miss Banderilleros in 1995.
But one thing's clear, gentlemen: in this hood, luxury isn't appreciated.
So... who's dealing the cards?
Me... me... me... I'll shuffle them!
The game was already uneven from the very beginning.
Don Luis was an expert. He was unbeatable.
It looked like he knew all our moves.
As if he had x-ray powers.
It wasn't that difficult to beat us.
Scab for example... He had no *** idea of what we were playing.
***!
Out!
Lefty... we already know he's not very skilled with his hands.
And in a cards game like poker... that's too much of a drawback.
Out!
Kaki always passed in the first round.
It looked like he hadn't any good 'hands'.
I lost eventually as well...
...losing every dime I'd saved to survive until February.
Definitely... I should have left some time ago.
Fourth time.
Good... good... So I guess it's just me and our buddy soldier in wheels.
Look, if you wanna quit now and make up for the lost...
...only because it's Christmas.
Don Luis, you must know that Kaki never gives the hell up.
That I like, showing your guts!
Here you are... You deal and so there's no cheating.
I then recalled old time stories Kaki told me when I first met him.
During the wars he said he was in...
...he told me poker was the daily game in the trenchs...
...and that he was unbeatable.
Ok, Jerez. I call you.
You call me, you say?
Well... I'mma raise it with two preserve cans of tonight's dinner.
What's inside?
The hell I'm I supposed to know! You think I've x-rays in my eyes?
Two preserve cans and a hipflask with rum and whiskey.
Ok, I call you too... with my lucky Betis badge.
Lucky Betis badge...
What the *** is that?!
That doesn't call two 'surprise' cans...
...and a hipflask of Kaki-Cocktail!
I swear! That the best thing I've had in my whole life.
Ever since I've had it, I haven't got hurt.
That's a supst... a superstc...
That's ***!
I haven't got that freaking badge and I've never been hurt.
Plus... 'lucky', uh?
Kings full.
***... I've only got a...
That moment I realized what game we were playing that night.
As usual... too late.
Don Luis had been playing knowing our cards all night...
..and Rat had been the basis for our trap.
Taking advantage of our trust...
...he had been walking around the table all night long.
He had observed without any problem all our moves...
...and then he'd told the 'boss'...
...with a really pathetic finger-sign code.
Only then I could understand the crossroads Rat found himself in.
But that night...
...I guess I was blinded by the Christmas spirit.
So soldier...
...I think our audience expects an 'all-in' from us.
What you say? You've got the guts?
Of course!
-Wait a minute! -Shut up *** and leave me alone.
I call you and I raise the keys to my beach house.
Nice Sir!
Wait a sec... Pepi!
A fetish.
Well, I'm so sorry, little soldier...
Poker of kings!
Cry and suck!
Calm down... grandpa.
Don't you know you can only celebrate after checking the enemy ain't breathing?
Royal straight flush!
-C'mon! -Next game at my place!
Rat?
It's on Kaki!
Merry Christmas!
Ehm... It was... it was a great game.
And now get out of my VIP room! C'mon, *** it! Everyone out now!
No, Rat, you wait there a sec. I have to talk to you.
Yes... yes, Sir.
I'mma get the sack, dude.
You should consider paying the rent.
Fifth time.
What time is it? Where the *** are we?
***! My neck and my back... *** my life...!
I feel *** great! Of course I've been mastering my falls for years.
Yo!
It's Christmas Day, dude.
We're pieces of ***, dude.
What a Christmas, dude...
Not a dinner.
Not a gift.
Not a carol.
Not a *** buck.
Well, but last night we rocked the party... and we touched some hair.
I did the *** black tube, Scab!
We are pieces of ***.
I miss my mommy.
Don't be a drama queen, ***!
Oh-oh-oh-oh! Merry Christmas, kiddos!
You partied hard, didn't you, 'buddies'?
'Buddies'?
Sorry, Sir, we've got no loose money.
Wait! Santa is the one who gives presents here!
Really? I hope you have ibuprofen or Tylenol
No, but I have these sweet candy canes!
One for you.
Another one for you.
Another one for you.
Who do we have here? If it isn't my favorite kid!
What?
Hey buddy!
Have you been a good kid this year?
You deserve the gift more than anyone else. Take it... c'mon, take it.
Do you want that Santa takes you for a ride around the park?
C'mon! I'll take you for a spin and we'll reach top speed!
What you doin'!? Halt!
BTW Foxy! Hot chick you got last night!
If anyone else had told me, it would have been a small success.
But Lefty telling me, only makes me recall a number six.
Sixth time.
Well, fellas... A Christmas breakfast at least...?
And what the hell is open now? Apart from your mama's...
Everyone's open now. It's 2 in the afternoon.
***! Look how cool's my watch!
Eew! That's disgusting! Let's go to Sergio's.
There we can have beer and churros.
It's on me. You only live once.
Well... Merry Christmas, fellas.
*** sons of ***!
*** your lives, ***!
No wonder you have this *** of a hood! ***!
If 'El Corte Ingles' calls me next year... the hell am I coming back!
A sec...
Action!
Oh no! We'll never get her out of there!
How you so sure can be!
You keep saying no.
You do nothing that I say.
But master... moving stones is one thing...
But this... this is completely different.
No, it isn't different. Only in your mind it's different.
You must unlearn what you have learnt.
Alright, I'll give it a try.
No, try not. Do or do not. There is no try.
I cannot! It's too big!
Size matters not!
Look at me!
Judge me by my size, do you?
Well you should not! For my ally is the force.
And a powerful ally it is!
Life creates it, makes it grow.
Its energy surrounds us and binds us.
Luminous beings are we...
...not this crude matter.
You must feel the Force around you.
Yes, here... between you and me...
...the tree, the rock... everywhere...
...yes, even between the land and the ship.
You ask the impossible!
Grandpa!
Let's go!
Let's go home... The hell are you playing...
...on these moor costume?
Where's the football jersey?
Ah... there it is.