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The Bishop had wanted
to see you in person -
but he's away in Cape Town
till next Tuesday,
spreading the word,
swimming with sharks,
so he's asked me to
see you meanwhile.
A-ha.
Well, I couldn't tell from your call
whether this was going to be
good news or bad news?
Well, we've had a formal letter
of complaint about your conduct.
What? Who from?
You're entitled to see
a copy of the letter.
Nigel McCall? Nigel.
Stupid man.
What's he complaining about?
I don't let him do enough sermons?
As you see, he accuses you of
"an unprofessional relationship
"with Eleanor Pattman,
headteacher of St Saviour's?"
What?
And of "conduct
unbecoming for a minister"?
There's also the specific
accusation of a kiss.
Well ha.
I don't know what to say to this.
It's ridiculous.
Obviously.
You don't need to respond now.
Go away and think about it.
Then I will need you to send a formal
written response to the Bishop.
He will then decide whether there are
grounds for an investigation or not.
Not.
You know this is nuts.
Well, yes, of course, fine,
I'll write a response.
Good.
I look forward to receiving it.
Soit was bad news.
Will you pour that away for me?
Morning.
Lots to do today.
Easter's coming and Father Winters
would like to borrow
the large Holy Week cross.
Is it still in your shed?
The Palm Sunday procession
is starting from the
Esso garage near him.
And I'm keen to get the
new reader's rota up.
Cup of tea? Would you like?
I'm having one.
No? Let me make you one.
Don't you *** dare.
I can make tea, Adam.
I can make you a tea.
What makes you think
you have the slightest idea
of what my relationship
with Ellie is?
We are not allowed to discuss
the current situation.
The Clerical Disciplinary Code
of 2011 is very clear.
Awkward as it is.
Why don't we just let
the quasi-judicial ecclesiastical
procedures wend their way?
Why are you doing this?
Until it is resolved, we are not
allowed to discuss this matter.
Paragraph 73 of the
Disciplinary Code -
"Once a formal complaint
has been made,
"it is inappropriate for the
respondent to talk to the complainant
"about it.
" So
Why don't we talk about
some pastoral visits instead?
Withdraw it, Nigel.
That's what you should do.
Now, who wants to go to the
nursing home to do prayers?
You do.
The problem is, Nigel,
if we both stay in this room,
I'm going to cut your genitals off
and burn them in front of you
in this mug.
Right.
It's going to be like this, is it?
Yep.
I thought you had more maturity.
Nope.
Well, the point I'm making is
that if you did cut my bits off,
then you'd clearly be in breach
of paragraph 73
of the Clerical Disciplinary Code.
Oh, get out of here,
you loathsome ***.
I will not be forced from this room.
Paragraph 73 clearly states,
"Any attempt by the respondent
to put pressure" -
that's what this is -
"on the complainant"
"is improper.
" It's improper.
This is assault.
Right, OK, I will go to the
nursing home, I will do prayers.
Paragraph 73!
He's a bitter
jealous
joyless
pedant.
How dare you?
Hello.
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.
Just writing my sermon.
How are you? You've had a long day.
Can I get you anything? A drink?
Do you want one? I'll get it.
How dare you what?
Hmm?
You said "how dare you?"
when I came in.
How dare you sin and not seek
forgiveness from the Lord?
That's my sermon.
Right.
Old school.
Yep.
Come in, please, have a seat.
Thank you for your response
to Nigel McCall's
complaint of Conduct Unbecoming.
It was written a little in heat,
I suspect.
That's putting it mildly.
I've asked Archdeacon Robert
to join us.
Robert, be a good sport
and make us all a cup of tea?
Of course, My Lord.
I'll have my usual.
And
Um.
Yes, just tea.
What sort, Adam?
Any.
Well, we have many
different types of tea.
Earl Grey, Ceylon, Oolong, Rooibos,
and numerous fruit
and herbal infusions.
It's not really my area
of expertise.
Just choose a fruit please, Robert.
Now, you confess to a kiss
in your response.
Yes.
One kiss.
But as I say, it was an entirely
unromantic, innocent kiss.
It was a platonic kiss.
I didn't enjoy it.
It was a mistake, I admit that.
Well, a kiss can be many things,
of course.
I need to understand
what's been going on,
and how you've got
yourself into this situation.
So I've instructed Archdeacon Robert
to conduct a small investigation
for me, amongst the key parties.
Is that necessary?
I'm afraid I have to tell you that
while the investigation takes place,
you will be suspended from ministry.
It'll take no longer than 28 days,
but while you're suspended,
you are prohibited
from entering St Saviour's,
and in dealing in
any pastoral ministry,
of any kind,
with members of your parish.
Pomegranate and pineapple.
Take some comfort
from Ecclesiasticus 2 -
"gold is tested in fire, chosen
men in the furnace of humiliation.
"
I imagine you're hoping
to avoid fire and humiliation.
If possible.
Do you think he'll be all right?
He'll be all right.
Go and clear that up,
would you, Robert?
Hmm.
And the length was 123 feet
so that is
Oh, you're the one
with the maths, my dear.
It's 7,835.
1 square feet.
Call it 7,800.
OK.
What are you doing?
Ah, hello, Father.
Just measuring the church.
How much does property
go for around here?
£800 a square foot.
As much as that?
So what do you think
this church is worth, then?
Well, it's £800 x 7,800
Eight eights are 64.
So er, times
Ow, hang on, erm
It's £6,240,000.
Yep, yep.
Amazing.
But it doesn't matter
what it's worth, does it,
because it's not for sale, is it?
And it has a small but dedicated
congregation that deserve
a priest and I'm not resigning,
and I have the freehold.
Sadly, Adam, that altereth not
the fact that there's been no
sign of a change in the fortunes
of St Saviour's.
We must do what is best for
the Deanery as a whole.
How can you be church in a church
that can't afford the lighting bills?
We must progress on all fronts
hoping - hoping, hoping -
that against all the odds,
there's a miracle
and you can save your building.
I'm not going to let it fail.
I'm going to sort it out.
While you're suspended?
I was shocked to
hear of your suspension, Adam.
Unfortunately while you're
suspended, you're not actually
allowed in here, are you, Father?
Or am I mistaken?
I'm just collecting my things.
Hello, Colin.
All right.
I'm sorry to ask, Vicarage, but any
chance I can stay at yours tonight?
They won't have me back
at the hostel.
Colin, things are
a bit tricky at the moment.
I haven't got anywhere else
to stay tonight.
It's getting dead cold now.
I'm sorry, it's a bit difficult
Just one night.
The thing is I'm not really allowed
to talk to anyone from the parish
at the moment.
Why not?
Come over here
How dare they suspend you?
I bet you wish you had
knobbed her now
if they're going to suspend you
anyway.
It's just a temporary suspension.
It'll be over soon, but please
don't mention it to anyone else.
Colin, I'm serious about that.
I just want this to blow over
without Alex ever finding out.
Like that time you had that
lump on your balls
and you didn't want me
to tell anyone?
Yeah, but see, actually,
you told everyone about that.
Oh, yeah.
What happened with that?
Weit was just a fatty deposit.
Forget that.
This is much more important
than my ball lump.
Don't.
Tell.
Anyone.
Got ya.
Here, have some money.
I'm sorry I can't help properly.
That'seight pounds
andsomething.
What am I going to do with that?
Towards a B&B?
What sort of B&Bs
you been staying at?
Sorry, Colin.
It's just all I've got.
C'mon Bongo.
What a ***-stain.
I very clearly saw
a kiss between Adam and Ellie.
And he's confessed to it, I gather.
He's a married minister,
a school governor,
I'm sorry to say that his behaviour
is not worthy of a priest.
I had no option but to complain.
How do you know
it was a *** kiss?
What, between Adam and Ellie?
Well, there are many different
types of kisses, aren't there?
There's kisses of warmth,
of friendship, even duty,
how do you know it was
a kiss of passion?
Fair to say
this was not a duty kiss.
Did you use tongues?
Talk to me, Adam.
I can only make this go away
if you talk to me.
And if you want this to go away
permanently, I've got to be thorough.
She may have slipped
her tongue in briefly.
Tip of the tongue?
Or whole tongue going in?
I can't remember.
Is this necessary?
Oh, I'm afraid so.
'I can prove it.
'
I've made a list of all the
inappropriate remarks
he's made about her over the year.
March 4th PCC meeting.
Adam Smallbone.
"I love Ellie.
"
I didn't say "I love Ellie.
"
I said "I love Ellie.
"
Well, that's nice of him.
We make a great team.
There are lots of different
types of love, of course.
I love Call The Midwife
and strawberry ice cream.
'March 16th,'
"I find Ellie's assemblies
very rousing.
"
Yes, "rousing".
Not "arousing".
"Rousing".
Good.
They are.
'April 30th,'
"I love it when
she's strict with me.
"
I didn't When did I say that?
During the school governors'
meeting, apparently.
'I was in that meeting.
'
It was clearly a joke.
'May 20th,'
said to me just before Mass
in relation to Ellie's posterior,
"nice bum.
"
He said that?
Yes, she bent over to
pick up a hymn book.
Nigel and I couldn't help
noticing her bum.
She's got a nice bum.
I'm sorry for observing it.
All these other remarks are
innocent and are being twisted.
Ask any one you like - everyone
knows that there's been nothing
going on between Ellie and me.
Aye, he's wanted to *** her
for years.
Good on him.
She's as fit as a butcher's window.
I think he said
he had a *** about her once.
Or I said it.
One of us said it.
I won't write that down.
Good.
I don't want to make
things worse for him.
I will report back to the Registrar
and The Bishop.
And there will
a hearing in due course.
Robert, can I ask, meanwhile,
that you don't mention this to Alex.
I just want this to blow over
without her ever knowing.
All he did was *** the headmistress
in her office, once,
and because of that,
they've suspended him.
Colin, is this true?
Don't tell anyone.
No-one else
knows.
Except you and me
and this bloke I told in the pub.
So who is taking the service then?
I don't want anyone young.
OK, I'm just off to church
to do Mass.
'OK.
You're late.
Sure you don't mind me missing it?'
No, no.
You're fine.
OK, bye.
'Bye!'
Yes, yes, I'm on it,
I'm walking in right now.
I'm sorry I'm late.
As many of you by now will know,
Father Adam is currently suspended
due to an ongoing
investigation that we hope to
resolve as quickly as possible.
And by we, we mean I.
We have been unable to find
a parish priest to take these
services in the interim
so I will be your temporary priest
until such time as Adam returns,
or a permanent temporary
replacement is found.
Now, Yotam Ottolenghi very sweetly
is going to show me how to cook with
a clay pot at 12so I'm going to
zip through this if that's all right.
My style is a little more
dynamic than Adam's.
The Lord be with you.
I've started.
The Lord be with you.
And also with you.
Almighty God, under whom
all hearts be opened
and all desires known, cleanse
the thoughts of your hearts with
the inspiration of your Holy Spirit
that we may perfectly love you
and worthily magnify your holy name
through Christ our Lord
.
.
amen.
'Typical bloody *** stupid
church madness.
'
'Oh, that's better.
'This whole investigation process
is ridiculous.
'It'll be OK, won't it, Lord?'
'Yeah, it'll be fine.
'
'No, I'll be fine.
'
Packet of ten please, Lisa.
Off to have sex, are you?
I'm sorry? Nuffin'.
No, I'm sorry.
Why would you say that?
Just saying what it says.
What? What what says?
Dirty ***.
Go on, my son.
Give her one, Vic!
Hello, Ellie.
Thanks a lot, Adam.
What? 'Well, thanks to
your newspaper report,'
I'm getting hauled in by
the Governors tomorrow
for an official reprimand.
Who did you tell?
No-one.
I didn't tell anyone.
Well, someone did.
And if
it wasn't me, it must've been you.
Wasn't.
I didn't.
This will sit on my file
for five years.
There goes my whole career plan.
Why does everything you
touch turn to ***?
People are saying you kissed her.
I'm sorry about all this, Adoha.
It's a nightmare.
It's a tiny thing that's got
blown out of all proportion.
So, did you kiss her?
Well No, look, it's a
complicated situation.
The investigation process
is ridiculous.
So you did?
Well, I'm not really allowed
to talk about it.
People are saying you did.
Did you kiss her?
Yesand no.
Yes?
Yes.
Yes.
Mainly yep.
But also no,
because it was a mistake.
But I did also enjoy it.
So maybe I do deserve
to be suspended? Who knows?
The Bishop will decide.
He's the expert on judging kisses.
You disgust me.
I know.
What a situation I'm in.
Oi! Perv!
Got any spare change please, mate?
You got any spare change, please?
I'm starving.
Please.
Just a little bit of change.
Sorry.
It's only sheer bad luck that I'm
sat here and you're not.
C'mon
Watch it, mate, I've got mace.
Hang on.
Ain't you a mate
of that filthy vicar?
Nah.
Yeah, you are.
I ain't giving no money
to no filthy vicar's mate.
I hate the ***.
I don't know him.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
How many times do I have to tell ya
I don't know him?
*** burglar alarm!
Get it fixed, you massive ***.
Quick, quick, before she gets home.
What are you doing?
Oh, hi, Alex.
Hi.
Some arsehole's graffitied
the house.
It's outrageous.
Who'd do that?
I know! It happens to priests.
Adam, I know what happened.
The newspaper report
is nonsense, Alex.
You know what happened with Ellie.
I told you.
I know.
It's not what they suggest.
You know that.
I know.
Don't worry.
Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just want to get this off.
And now I'm going to go and take
the big cross to Father Winters
cos he's been waiting for it.
Adam, don't do that now.
Come and talk to me.
No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.
No need.
Don't worry.
You go and check on Katie.
Let me do this.
I must do this.
You go in and check on her.
Adam, don't do it now.
He needs it for Easter.
Adam!
Don't worry.
I won't be long.
Back later.
He's having a very tough time.
He said he was going
out for a couple of hours,
but that was 8:00
and he's still not back.
'Why does everything you
touch turn to ***?'
'Talk to me, Adam.
'
Do you need some help?
No, I'm fine.
'You disgust me.
'
# Dance, dance, wherever you may be
# "I am the Lord of the Dance,"
said he
# And I lead you all,
wherever you may be
# "And I lead you all in the dance,"
said he
# I danced with the scribes
and the Pharisees
# They would not dance,
they would not follow me
# So I danced for the fisherman,
for James and John
# They came with me so
the dance went on
# Dance, dance, wherever you may be
# "I am the Lord of the Dance,"
said he
# And I lead you all,
wherever you may be
# "And I lead you all in the dance,"
said he
# Dance, dance, wherever you may be
# "I am the Lord of the Dance,"
said he
# And I lead you all,
wherever you may be
"And I lead you all in the dance,"
says he.
Hello.
I like your dancing.
Yeah.
Thanks.
You're in a good mood, then.
Not really.
Oh.
Why's that, then?
I'm trying to keep something alive
but I don't think I can do it.
Aha.
Aye, you know, I've learned
a few things over the years.
Oh, yes?
You can'tyou can't make an
omelette without cracking some eggs.
Right, thanks.
What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.
I see.
We are what we eat.
Yep.
You buy cheap, you buy twice.
The open hand has
the strongest grip.
It's OK, you can stop now.
Never parachute into an area
you've just bombed.
Well, that's a good one.
Adam, Adam.
We all have our crosses to bear.
Yes.
Yes, we do.
I understand, Adam.
I'll always be here.
Adam? Where've you been?
Hi.
Don't worry.
I'm here.
I've been up all night,
I called the police.
Sorry, no need.
I'm fine.
What's happened to your head?
Doesn't matter, really.
I've got
to go and see the Bishop now.
Mustn't be late.
Adam, you can't just go again!
Alex, I just met God.
Ah.
Sit down, please.
Sorry, forgive my manner,
I have a splitting headache today.
I might have an aspirin.
Oh?
Would you like a rusk?
Or some of this?
I can't find my aspirin.
Why not?
Thank you.
Are you all right?
I'm all right, yes.
Well, Archdeacon Robert has done
a very full and clear report.
I'm sorry it's taken so long
but you'll be happy to hear
that in my judgment,
this complaint is unfounded.
There clearly was an incident
but I don't believe it was
indicative of a deeper relationship.
So, no further need for
any disciplinary action.
Innocent.
If you say I am.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This whole, inadequate process has
put you under a terrible strain.
Thank you.
Do you need some counselling?
We can organise that.
No.
I want to go.
Go where?
I want to leave St Saviour's.
You mean you want to resign?
Yes.
I'm resigning.
If you resign, I can't save St
Saviour's for you, you know that?
I want to go.
Let me go.
Ite in pacem.
Thank you.