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Bergeron: HERE'S A SNEAK PEEK AT TONIGHT'S "AFV."
WE DARE YOU NOT TO LAUGH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SIREN BLARES ]
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
Man: WHOA!
WELCOME TO "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."
TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A SPECIAL SALUTE TO THE MILITARY.
AND NOW, HERE HE IS, THE HOST OF "AFV"...
TOM BERGERON!
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU TO THE HALLERIN FAMILY FOR THAT INTRODUCTION.
WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT,
BECAUSE IT'S DEDICATED TO THE COURAGEOUS MEN AND WOMEN
OF THE UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO THAT'S A SPECIAL FOCUS OF OUR VIDEOS.
ALL OF YOU WHO SALUTE, AT EASE, SIT BACK, RELAX.
LET US SALUTE YOU.
THE ARMY GIVES YOU MEALS READY TO EAT
AND PIES READY TO THROW.
Man: OHH! OHH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Bergeron: EVEN IN CAMOUFLAGE,
YOU CAN SEE THIS COMING A MILE AWAY.
YOU WANT YOUR RIGHT FOOT TO HIT THE BEAM SO YOU...
[ LAUGHTER ]
JUMP OVER IT.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I GOT YOU ON FILM, STEWART. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
AAH!
COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
COULD HAVE BEEN THROWING COMBAT BOOTS.
OHH!
[ Laughing ] OHH!
Bergeron: SHE MUST BE GOOD AT THIS,
'CAUSE SHE DOES IT BACKWARDS AND UPSIDE DOWN.
[ LAUGHS ]
Man: PERFECT! LET GO OF YOUR BRAKE HAND.
OH, MY GOD!
LET GO OF YOUR BRAKE HAND. NOW BRING YOUR FEET DOWN.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE FINE.
LET YOUR FEET COME AGAINST THIS WALL.
HE'S GOT YOU, AND I'VE GOT YOU.
I JUST HOPE THAT CATCHER IS WEARING A KEVLAR CUP.
Man: OHH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Bergeron: EASY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUNCH THE ROCKET LAUNCHER.
Man: DON'T MOVE, FROSTY. DON'T MOVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT IS A REAL PRIVILEGE
TO HONOR THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY,
AND WHILE WE THANK THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP AMERICA SAFE,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME AMERICANS
WHO CAN'T EVEN KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE.
THAT GOLF CART SURE CORNERS BETTER THAN HE DOES.
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
[ CRASH ]
HEY, WE'RE GONNA PRANK MY MOM.
WE FOUND THIS OLD PROSPECTOR ON THE ROAD.
SO WE GOT HIM HERE ON THE TOILET.
WE'LL LEAVE HIM RIGHT HERE.
[ SCREAMING ]
Bergeron: SHOULDN'T THE KID BE GOING DOWN THE SLIDE
AND THE DAD BE STANDING AT THE BOTTOM?
Woman: DID YOU SEE THAT?
Bergeron: BOY, I WISH I HAD THIS KID AROUND
WHEN I WAS STUDYING FOR FINALS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AFTER THEY'RE DONE FIXING THE CHIMNEY,
THEY'LL HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO FIX.
[ SMASH, CAR ALARM BLARING ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE TO BE
IN PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION TO BE A SOLDIER,
YOU ALSO NEED A KEEN INTELLECT.
LET'S FACE IT -- MOST CIVILIANS WOULDN'T MAKE THE CUT.
HERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT
PAST BASIC TRAINING.
IT'S "GREAT MOMENTS IN BAD IDEAS."
OW!
Man: [ LAUGHS ]
[ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD!
ARE YOU OKAY? OW!
Girl: THERE'S FOUR --
AAH! OH, MY GOD! [ SCREAMS ]
Woman: READY? LEAN FORWARD.
[ ROARS ]
[ Screaming ] OH, GOD!
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
Bergeron: THIS HAS BEEN "GREAT MOMENTS IN BAD IDEAS."
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS NEXT VIDEO STARS A SOLDIER
COMING HOME TO SURPRISE HIS GIRLFRIEND.
AND, AS IT TURNS OUT,
HIS HOMECOMING WAS ONLY THE FIRST SURPRISE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INTENSIFY ]
[ CROWD CHANTING "USA!" ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WANT TO SEE YOUR FUNNY VIDEO ON TV?
UPLOAD IT TO afv.com.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME BACK!
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK
THAT SOLDIERS NEVER HAVE TIME TO GOOF OFF.
BUT DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
OKAY, YOU PROBABLY CAN. I JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.
THE TRUTH IS, IN THEIR DOWNTIME, THERE'S PLENTY OF GOOFING OFF.
Man: SHOULD PROBABLY TAPE IT DOWN AT LEAST.
Bergeron: TOO BAD BASKETBALL SHOES AREN'T STANDARD ISSUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Man: I WAS ACTUALLY MAKING A VIDEO.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
Both: 5, 6, 7, 8.
♪ U-G-L-Y, YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI ♪
♪ YOU'RE UGLY, YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE UGLY ♪
♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪
Bergeron: CAMELS CAN GO WEEKS WITHOUT WATER.
THEY CAN'T GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT PHOTO-BOMBING.
[ MAN LAUGHS ]
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
HE'S SUPPOSED TO KEEP HIS EYE ON THE BALL.
YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON HIS CLUB.
Man: WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, DAVE? I SEE YOUR...
HOLD UP YOUR STICK, MAN. WHAT HAPPENED?
OHH.
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
THAT MIGHT BE A ROLLOVER SIMULATOR,
BUT HIS ROLLOVER IS 100% REAL.
SO MUCH FOR THE MILITARY'S EXPERIMENTAL DUCT-TAPE DOOR.
Man: GO AHEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Bergeron: THE MARINES --
THE FEW, THE PROUD...
THE CAKE-LESS.
Woman: OHH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE A BREAK FOR A MOMENT
FROM THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN IN OUR MILITARY,
BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO MEET SOME GENUINE CIVILIAN COWARDS.
THESE GUYS OPENED A PACKAGE FROM AUSTRALIA
AND GOT MORE THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR --
EIGHT LEGS MORE.
Man: WE'RE LOOKING AT THIS SPIDER.
THIS IS A SPIDER THAT WAS ON THE BOX I JUST PICKED UP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT'S HUGE.
WAIT ONE SECOND. NATE, LISTEN, DUDE.
Nate: WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT A BROWN RECLUSE?
HUH?
IT LOOKS LIKE A WOLF SPIDER, BUT --
NO, IT DOESN'T! IT'S GOT BROWN LEGS.
[ GASPS ] I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
OKAY, DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
JUST PUT THE CUP RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF IT.
JUST PUT THE CUP OVER THE TOP OF IT.
OH, NATE! NATE! NATE, NATE, NATE, NATE, NATE.
DON'T! DON'T MOVE NOTHING!
I GOT THIS! I GOT THIS!
NO FAST MOVEMENTS HERE!
NATE!
PUT THE LID IN YOUR HAND!
WHY NOT?!
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
DUDE, THAT'S A BROWN RECLUSE.
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
PUT THE LID ON IT NOW!
WAIT. TIP IT BACK, TIP IT BACK, TIP IT BACK, TIP IT BACK!
MAKE HIM FALL IN THERE. MAKE HIM FALL IN THERE.
OHH! [ SCREAMING ]
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
HE'S RIGHT THERE! GET HIM! GET HIM! GET HIM!
DUDE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Bergeron: AND NOW...
[ BABBLING LOUDLY ]
THIS HAS BEEN...
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS OF THE SHOW,
BECAUSE WE GET TO WATCH SOME MILITARY HOMECOMINGS.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE GONNA NEED THESE,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA NEED THESE.
Man: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S THE CAKE. IT'S COMING. CLOSE YOUR EYES.
[ SCREAMING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
Bergeron: I DON'T THINK THE TEACHER WILL MIND
HAVING CLASS INTERRUPTED FOR A LITTLE FATHER/DAUGHTER REUNION.
Woman: THIS IS HER DAD, WHO JUST GOT HOME FROM...
Man: SANTA CLAUS!
[ BELL JINGLING ]
Woman: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Man: YEAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!
[ JINGLING CONTINUES ]
Man: PRESENTS! YOU LEFT YOUR BAG OUTSIDE!
OH, LET ME GO GET IT. HOLD ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Man: SANTA!
[ ALL CHEERING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
EARLIER IN THE SEASON, YOU MAY REMEMBER
WE SHOWED YOU SOME VIDEOS OF DOGS WITH HUMAN HANDS.
WELL, PEOPLE WENT NUTS FOR IT,
SENT IN VIDEOS OF THEIR OWN HUMAN-HANDED HOUNDS.
BELIEVE ME -- THIS TAKES SALUTING TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
[ MUZAK PLAYS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE ALL LOVE FUNNY VIDEOS.
YOU WANT TO SEE OURS, AND WE WANT TO SEE YOURS,
AND IT'S NEVER BEEN EASIER THAN WITH THE "AFV" APP.
DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE FROM THE AppStore,
AND YOU CAN SEE THE BEST OF "AFV" WHEREVER YOU GO.
WHEN SHOOTING WITH YOUR PHONE, REMEMBER TO SHOOT SIDE-TO-SIDE
SO THE IMAGE IS WIDE SO IT'LL LOOK BETTER ON A TV SCREEN.
THEN UPLOAD IT ON THE SPOT WITH THE "AFV" APP.
HAVE A FUNNY VIDEO THAT'S NOT ON YOUR PHONE?
UPLOAD IT TO afv.com OR MAIL IT TO US AT...
FOR FULL CONTEST RULES, GO TO afv.com OR WRITE THIS ADDRESS.
REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T SEND IT IN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY!
NOW, WITH A GAME YOU CAN HEAR COMING A MILE AWAY, IT'S...
LAUREN AND JANE ARE HERE. THEY ARE STUDENTS AT USC.
YOU PERFORM TOGETHER.
YES.
AND ANY PARTICULAR GENRE OF MUSIC
THAT YOU SPECIALIZE IN AS A TEAM OR --
WE DO EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, WE CAN JAM OUT ANYTIME WE WANT.
REALLY? CAN YOU DO A LITTLE SCAT SINGING FOR US RIGHT NOW?
SCAT SINGING? THAT'S -- OKAY.
LITTLE JAZZ SCAT THING.
ANYTHING THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY
FOR THE RIGHTS FOR IS WHAT --
MAKE SOMETHING UP, YEAH.
♪ WHO'S MAKIN' THAT RACKET? ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT.
I CAN ASSURE YOU WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR THAT.
OKAY.
[ LAUGHS ] I WANT YOU TO LISTEN CAREFULLY TO A SOUND
AND THEN TELL ME WHICH VIDEO IT BELONGS TO, ALL RIGHT?
FIRST, LISTEN TO THIS.
WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA!
DOES THAT CHARMING NOISE BELONG TO...
NUMBER ONE, THE DOG STRUGGLING TO GET HIS BONE...
...THIS VERY FLEXIBLE GENTLEMAN DOING YOGA...
OR A CHATTERING MONKEY?
NOW, LET'S LOOK AT THE THREE IMAGES TOGETHER,
LISTEN TO THE SOUND AGAIN.
WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA!
ALL RIGHT, LAUREN, WHERE DO YOU THINK THAT'S COMING FROM?
I THINK IT'S THE DOG.
YOU THINK IT'S THE DOG TRYING TO GET HIS BONE THROUGH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, JANE?
I THINK IT'S THE DUDE DOING THE SPLITS.
YEAH? REALLY? REALLY?
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S... LACKING SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SORT OF LIKE WHEN YOU GOT YOUR FIRST KEN DOLL,
AND YOU WENT, "REALLY?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, SO, WE GOT ONE FOR THE DOG, ONE FOR THE YOGA GUY.
LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE RIGHT! IT'S YOGA GUY!
Bergeron: WOW.
[ APPLAUSE ]
GOOD JOB!
JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GET HIS DVD,
"YOGA FOR THE VERY LONELY," ON THE INTERNET.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT. LISTEN TO THIS SOUND.
[ CLATTERING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, DOES THAT SOUND BELONG TO...
THIS LITTLE BOY ARM-FARTING...
...A HORSE FLAPPING ITS GUMS...
[ As Mister Ed ] SORRY, WILBUR!
[ Normal voice ] ...OR A MAN...
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
OH, I BET HE GETS THE LONELY-GUY YOGA DVD.
WHICH OF THOSE THREE
IS THE SOUND COMING FROM, LAUREN?
OH, GOSH. UM...
THE HORSE?
THE HORSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
ALL RIGHT. JANE?
ARMPIT FARTS. ALL RIGHT.
SO WE GOT ONE FOR THE ARMPIT FARTS, ONE FOR THE HORSE.
AND THE GUY -- NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO LOOK AT HIM.
OKAY. LET'S SEE.
IT'S THE HORSE!
ALL RIGHT!
SO YOU'RE TIED.
ONE EACH.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A CHANCE FOR ONE OF YOU
TO COMPLETELY TAKE THIS GAME OVER, WITH OUR FINAL QUESTION.
HERE'S THE LAST SOUND.
[ RATTLING ]
SOUNDS LIKE MY STOMACH THIS MORNING.
ALL RIGHT. WHO'S MAKING THAT RACKET?
DOES IT BELONG TO...
THESE CHATTERING TEETH?
GRANDMA'S VISITING!
THESE BEAK-CLACKING SEABIRDS...
OR THESE DOG TOENAILS SCRAPING THE LINOLEUM?
HERE'S ALL THREE IMAGES. LET'S HEAR THE SOUND AGAIN.
[ RATTLING ]
[ LAUGHS ] WHAT DO YOU THINK, LAUREN?
UM...I'LL GO WITH THE TEETH.
YES.
AND, JANE?
THE BIRDS.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL SAY THIS -- ONE OF YOU IS ABOUT TO EMERGE
AS THE "WHO'S MAKIN' THAT RACKET?" CHAMPION.
ALL RIGHT. PRESSURE'S ON.
BOOM! YES!
JANE, CONGRATULATIONS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOWEVER...
HOWEVER, GIVEN THAT WE'RE GIVERS HERE ON "AFV,"
YOU EACH GET A TOM BERGERON BOBBLEHEAD
TO CALL YOUR VERY OWN.
LOOK AT THAT, HUH?
I'LL TREASURE IT ALWAYS.
OH, GOOD. LAUREN AND JANE!
NOW GIVE YOUR EARS A REST,
BUT KEEP YOUR EYES GLUED TO THIS.
NICELY DONE.
HER COACH THINKS SHE'S RESTING TOO LONG BETWEEN SETS.
[ SCREAMS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO GETS THE ASSIST HERE -- THE KID OR THE SHOVEL?
[ WOMAN LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND, OH, WHAT A SIGHT
WHEN THESE TWO GOT INTO A BIG PILLOW FIGHT.
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
NOW, I'M GONNA TAKE THIS CARD.
SET IT RIGHT DOWN.
NOW I'M GONNA TURN IT OVER.
DO YOU THINK IT'LL FALL OUT -- WELL, THE WATER WILL FALL OUT?
NOW, IF YOU DO, JUST WATCH.
Bergeron: ALL YOU NEED FOR THIS EXPERIMENT
IS A PIECE OF CARDBOARD, A CUP OF WATER,
AND A VERY TRUSTING LAB ASSISTANT.
NOW, I'M GONNA DO IT OVER MY SISTER'S HEAD.
AS YOU CAN SEE, NOTHING IS COMING OUT.
ARE YOU SCARED SOMETHING'S GONNA COME OUT? NO?
[ SCREAMS ]
OOPS!
MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T DO THAT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THE MARINES -- THE FEW, THE PROUD,
AND, IN THIS CASE, THE ADORABLE.
DOUBLE TIME!
MARCH!
MARINE CORPS!
LEFT FORWARD!
LEFT FORWARD!
HERE WE GO!
HERE WE GO!
ALL THE WAY!
ONE MILE!
NO GOOD!
TWO MILES!
GETTIN' BETTER!
THREE MILES!
P.F.T.!
FOUR MILES!
OH, YEAH!
FIVE MILES!
GET SOME!
MARINE CORPS!
MY CORPS!
YOUR CORPS!
OUR CORPS!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
HERE WE GO!
GIMME MORE!
GIMME MORE!
I CAN DO IT!
YOU CAN DO IT!
OH, YEAH!
NOW LOOK AT THE CAMERA. LOOK AT THE CAMERA.
SAY, "THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, AMERICA!"
[ BABBLES ] AMERICA!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW, EVEN FOR CIVILIANS, LIFE IS CHALLENGING.
ONLY INSTEAD OF CRAWLING IN MUD AND CLIMBING ROPES,
OUR OBSTACLE COURSE CONSISTS
OF FALLING OFF TRAMPOLINES AND DODGING DOG POO.
LIKE I SAID, IT'S A CHALLENGE.
I'VE HEARD OF A CHOCOLATE KISS, BUT NOT A CHOCOLATE SNEEZE.
[ SNEEZES ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
Woman: TOO FUNNY!
Bergeron: OOH, HE'D BETTER PULL UP HIS PANTS
BEFORE WE SEE HIS SKI BUM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS IS HIS FIRST RODEO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Man: MAYA!
HEY-OH!
Woman: MAYA! MAYA! [ SNAPS FINGERS ] MAYA.
CHOCOLATE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO WANTS CHOCOLATE?
Maya: ME.
Bergeron: CAREFUL.
SOMETIMES BABIES HAVE STICKY HANDS.
AAH!
Woman: WHAT DID YOU DO?!
Woman: I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THESE.
Bergeron: HOW CAN YOU TELL HE'S NOT A REAL GYMNAST --
THIS MOVE OR HIS MOM JEANS?
[ AUDIENCE OHHs ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
UNDOUBTEDLY, OUR MOST PATRIOTIC HOLIDAY IS THE FOURTH OF JULY,
BECAUSE ON THAT DAY,
WE CELEBRATE OUR NATION'S INDEPENDENCE.
OF COURSE, AROUND HERE AT "AFV,"
THAT MEANS INDEPENDENCE FROM SOUND JUDGMENT.
[ "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYS ]
FIRST LAW OF FIREWORKS -- WHAT GOES UP MUST BLOW UP.
HEY! IT'S A STAR-SPANGLED MANTIS.
Man: OH, WHAT DID YOU DO?
[ SCREAMING ]
[BLEEP]
[ LAUGHS ] YOU OKAY?
[ MAN LAUGHING ]
[ "THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYS ]
Bergeron: HERE COMES OLD GLORY.
AND THERE GOES THE PERCUSSION SECTION.
♪ DOWN BY THE BAY ♪
♪ DOWN BY THE BAY ♪
♪ WHERE THE WATERMELONS GROW ♪
♪ WHERE THE WATERMELONS GROW ♪
♪ BACK TO MY HOME ♪
♪ BACK TO MY HOME ♪
[ WOMAN GROANS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS THE MILITARY CAN TEACH
IS DISCIPLINE.
YOU CLEAN THE LATRINE WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT.
YOU RUN FIVE MILES IN THE RAIN WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT
AND GET REVENGE ON YOUR BUNK MATE FOR WAKING YOU UP
WITH A SHAVING-CREAM PIE WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT.
BUT WHO ARE WE KIDDING? YOU WANT TO.
IT'S THE OLD "SHAVING CREAM IN THE HAND" ROUTINE.
[ MAN SNORES ]
YOU'D THINK A GUY WHO PLANNED A GAG THIS GOOD
WOULD HAVE HAD AN ESCAPE ROUTE.
[ MAN COUGHING ]
[ SPITTING ]
[BLEEP] FOR REAL, MAN. WHAT Y'ALL DOING?!
[ SIGHS ]
[BLEEP] MAN!
WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING, MAN?!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Bergeron: WHAT'S SCARIER THAN NO TOILET PAPER IN THE STALL?
[ SCREAMS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
WATCH PRIVATE MUFFET GET SCARED OFF HIS TUFFET.
[ SCREAMS ]
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T WANT THE TOP BUNK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
RUB-A-DUB-DUB, SOME VIDEOS OF TUBS
WITH KITTIES AND DOGGIES AND BABIES GALORE
THAT SEEM TO GO GREAT WITH A MUSICAL SCORE.
[ "LIBIAMO NE' LIETE CALICI" PLAYS ]
Woman: MOM!
[ APPLAUSE ]
WANT TO SEE YOUR FUNNY VIDEO ON TV?
UPLOAD IT TO afv.com.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IN A WORLD WHERE MUCH OF REALITY TV
IS ABOUT AS REAL AS A TRUCK-DRIVING UNICORN,
IT IS NICE TO SEE SOME MOMENTS ON TV THAT ARE REALLY REAL.
HERE ARE SOME MORE HEROES COMING HOME.
YEAH, WE'RE GONNA GO TO CRACKER BARREL.
I'LL EVEN MAKE YOUR DADDY GO.
[ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE NOT HERE.
[ GASPS ] OH, MY!
OH, MY! OH, MY!
[ Crying ] OH, MY GOD! OH!
[ DOG BARKING ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
OHH!
Man: YOU GUYS READY TO OPEN IT?
Girls: YES!
Man: OPEN IT UP.
Woman: THAT'S NOT OURS?
DADDY!
[ SCREAMS ]
DADDY! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! DADDY!
[ LAUGHS ]
RIGHT HERE!
[ APPLAUSE ]
AMERICA IS THE LAND OF INGENUITY.
WITHOUT THOMAS EDISON, WE'D ALL BE SITTING IN THE DARK.
THIS WOULD BE ON THE RADIO, FOR EXAMPLE.
WITHOUT THE WRIGHT BROTHERS,
WE'D BE WAITING AT THE AIRPORT RIGHT NOW
FOR SOMEONE TO INVENT THE PLANE.
HERE ARE SOME OTHER INVENTIONS THAT GOT THEIR START
RIGHT HERE, IN THE GOOD, OLD U.S. OF A.
THE BEST IDEA WE'VE EVER HAD
IS TO SHOW YOU SOME GREAT AMERICAN INVENTIONS.
[ BULB SHATTERS ]
Girl: MOM!
[ TELEPHONES RINGING MELODIOUSLY ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ PLANES BUZZING ]
Man: OW!
[ LAUGHTER ]
Man: I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, THAT'S A LANDING.
THAT'S A LANDING RIGHT THERE.
[ SCREAMS ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
AND PERHAPS THE GREATEST AMERICAN INVENTION OF ALL...
[ SCREAMS ]
[ WOMAN LAUGHS ]
[ SCREAMING ]
THESE HAVE BEEN...
[ APPLAUSE ]
A LOT OF SOLDIERS SAY THEY LOVE OUR SHOW
BECAUSE NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE,
IT GIVES THEM A LITTLE TASTE OF HOME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE OF THE FEW TIMES WE AT "AFV"
ARE EVER ACCUSED OF HAVING GOOD TASTE.
AAH!
GIVE ME THOSE CHIPS.
THIS IS HOW REAL MEN DO IT.
Bergeron: YEAH, KID, SHOW US
HOW A REAL MAN EATS THOSE SPICY CHIPS.
AAH! AAH!
Woman: I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.
AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
IS IT HOT?
AAH!
I NEED GATORADE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS IS HOW YOU DO A PONYTAIL.
[ VACUUM CLEANER RUNS ]
COME HERE. QUICK.
TURN AROUND. DON'T MOVE.
READY?
Woman: LET'S SEE.
LET'S SEE. SHOW HER.
TURN AROUND.
[ LAUGHS ]
Bergeron: REMEMBER -- YOU SHOULDN'T OVER-INFLATE YOUR TUBE,
AND YOU SHOULDN'T OVERJUMP IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OHH!
Boy: DID YOU HIT [BLEEP]
OW!
Woman: GOOD BOY.
Bergeron: WHY JUST MARK YOUR TERRITORY
WHEN YOU CAN MARK YOUR BUDDY?
[ APPLAUSE ]
BEFORE WE SIGN OFF TONIGHT, WE THOUGHT WE'D GET SOME HELP
FROM SOME LITTLE KIDS WHO ARE FULL-GROWN PATRIOTS.
TAKE A LOOK.
♪ GOD BLESS AMERICA ♪
♪ LAND THAT I LOVE ♪
♪ STAND BESIDE HER AND GUIDE HER ♪
[ CRYING ]
♪ ...WITH THE LIGHT FROM ABOVE ♪
♪ TO THE MOUNTAINS, TO THE FROSTY ♪
♪ TO THE OCEANS WHITE WITH FOAM ♪
♪ GOD BLESS AMERICA ♪
♪ MY HOME, SWEET HOME ♪
♪ GOD BLESS AMER-KICA ♪
♪ MY HOME, SWEET HOME ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, I NEED YOUR "ATTEN-SHUN!"
BECAUSE TONIGHT'S ASSIGNMENT, AMERICA,
IS TO SEND US YOUR MILITARY VIDEOS THAT YOU MIGHT JUST SEE
ON OUR NEXT "SALUTE TO THE MILITARY" SPECIAL.
OR IF YOU HAVE A LOVED ONE WHO SERVED IN THE ARMED FORCES,
WE WANT YOUR CLIPS.
YOU COULD WIN SOME MONEY, GET FLOWN TO HOLLYWOOD,
AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, IT'S YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY.
JESS?
YOU HEARD TOM.
THIS ASSIGNMENT IS GOING OUT TO ALL BRANCHES
OF OUR ARMED FORCES --
ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE, COAST GUARD, MARINES.
YOUR FUNNY VIDEO COULD WIN $10,000 OR EVEN $100,000
IN OUR CONTEST.
JUST UPLOAD THE VIDEO TO afv.com,
OR YOU CAN SEND IT TO US AT...
FOR FULL CONTEST RULES,
LOG ON TO afv.com OR WRITE THE ADDRESS ABOVE.
SO SEND US YOUR MILITARY VIDEOS, AND THAT IS AN ORDER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT WILL SOON BE TIME TO GIVE AWAY TONIGHT'S PRIZES --
$10,000 FOR FIRST PLACE,
$3,000 FOR SECOND, AND $2,000 FOR THIRD.
BUT NOW LET'S MEET OUR NOMINEES.
FIRST UP, A CLIP THAT COULD BE
THE MOST ROMANTIC BASEBALL GAME EVER.
IT'S "HOMECOMING PROPOSAL,"
SENT IN BY AMBER BRIDEWELL FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE NEXT VIDEO STARS A COUPLE OF GUYS
FACING THEIR FEARS POORLY.
IT'S "THE NOT-SO-AMAZING SPIDER-MEN,"
SENT IN BY BART McCURDY FROM REDDING, CALIFORNIA.
[ SCREAMING ]
PUT THE LID ON IT NOW!
WAIT. TIP IT BACK, TIP IT BACK, TIP IT BACK, TIP IT BACK!
MAKE HIM FALL IN THERE. MAKE HIM FALL IN THERE.
OHH! [ SCREAMING ]
AND OUR FINAL NOMINEE, HOPING HER EXPERIMENT PAYS OFF,
IS "SOGGY SCIENCE PROJECT,"
SENT IN BY THE INGLES FAMILY FROM NEW PLYMOUTH, IDAHO.
ALL YOU NEED FOR THIS EXPERIMENT
IS A PIECE OF CARDBOARD, A CUP OF WATER,
AND A VERY TRUSTING LAB ASSISTANT.
ARE YOU SCARED SOMETHING'S GONNA COME OUT? NO?
[ SCREAMS ]
OUR AUDIENCE HAS SEEN THE THREE NOMINEES.
TIME TO STOP CLAPPING AND START VOTING RIGHT NOW.
AND WHILE WE TALLY THOSE VOTES,
AMUSE YOURSELF WITH TONIGHT'S VIDEO REMIX.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GRUNTING ]
[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]
[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]
[ SQUIRREL SQUEAKING ]
[ SQUIRREL SQUEAKING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
[ SCREAMS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND NOW THE RESULTS OF OUR VOTING.
OUR THIRD-PLACE $2,000 WINNER IS...
"HOMECOMING PROPOSAL,"
SENT IN BY AMBER BRIDEWELL FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA.
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ DRUMROLL ]
AND NOW THE WINNER OF THE $10,000
AND TONIGHT'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO IS...
"THE NOT-SO-AMAZING SPIDER-MEN,"
SENT IN BY BART McCURDY FROM REDDING, CALIFORNIA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HI, BART. NATE. HAVE A SEAT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
SECONDLY, LET'S JUST UNDERSCORE THE IRONY.
ON A NIGHT WE'VE BEEN CELEBRATING AMERICA'S HEROES,
THE COWARDS HAVE WON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHS ] YEAH. TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT --
THAT WAS SOME OF THE HIGHEST-PITCHED SCREAMING.
WHO WAS DOING MOST OF THAT SCREAMING?
ME, YEAH.
OH, THEY GAVE YOU UP RIGHT --
THAT'S YOUR FAMILY BEHIND YOU, RIGHT?
YEAH.
DOES HE DO THAT A LOT AT HOME?
ONLY WHEN THERE'S A SPIDER.
ONLY WHEN THERE'S A SPIDER.
AND THE SPIDER JUST CAME FROM OUT OF NOWHERE?
WAS IT IN THE BOX? DO WE KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM?
WE THINK IT WAS IN THE BOX.
AND HE WAS NOT GONNA TOUCH IT,
SO WE WANTED TO VIDEOTAPE ME TRYING TO CATCH IT.
OH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
AND THE THING SCURRIED OVER MY HAND, SO IT WAS A LITTLE FREAKY.
ALL RIGHT.
AND CONGRATULATIONS.
WE'LL SEE YOU AGAIN ON OUR $100,000 SHOW.
ALL RIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHS ] IT'S BEEN A GREAT SHOW.
I'D LIKE TO ONCE AGAIN THANK THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE MILITARY
WHO KEEP OUR COUNTRY FREE.
AND TO THOSE WHO KEEP OUR COUNTRY FUNNY,
IF YOU SEND US A CLIP AND IT AIRS THIS SEASON,
WE'LL SEND YOU A STYLISH "AFV" T-SHIRT.
SO REMEMBER -- UPLOAD TO US, GET RICH, GET FAMOUS.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]