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What the hell?
You've outdone yourself.
I have other people bringing us
something living to sacrifice.
So she says God is coming?
And everybody's at Merlotte's
to catch Sam
and take him to Maryann's.
I'm going to Merlotte's and find out
what the hell is happening on my turf-
We have secured the target.
Mission accomplished!
You want me to call anyone?
Your cousin Hadley?
No one's heard from her since she ran
away from that rehab Gran paid for.
What are you doing in my house?
You don't scare me.
What did you do to him?
What are you?
None of your business!
Y'all go and leave,
every last one of you.
- Come on out.
- There's Sam Merlotte!
It is me, the God Who Comes.
I smite thee, Sam Merlotte!
- I can't see or hear anything.
- I will glamour her.
I gotta go get Eggs.
It's all coming from Maryann.
How do we kill her?
I do not know how to defeat her,
but I know one vampire who might.
A half-man and a dead ***.
*** no!
Welcome, Mr. Compton.
The queen is expecting you.
Your Majesty.
Is this a bad time?
A bad time?
There's not such thing as bad.
Or time, for that matter.
Want to join me?
Sync: mpm & Arrow
Get up!
Have you lost your mind?
Didn't you hear {\all those nasty things}
what she said about you?
- And me.
- She's my mama!
She gets to!
The hell are you from?
- Mama?
- I'm sorry.
You all right?
I should have listened to vampire Bill
when he warned me about you.
Now, come on.{\ Come on, Mama.}
Do we have to?
I think I actually enjoyed that.
You see what you did to her?
Come on.
What gives you the right to say no
to the femoral blood of a good woman?
You know what your problem is,
William?
You are a snob.
I hate snobs.
Tiny, tiny souls, or penises.
Or both.
Get out.
- Have you eaten?
- Not tonight, but...
I have several new members of court.
A Latvian boy.
Has to be tasted to be believed.
Not polluted like most humans.
Tastes {\exactly }the way they used to taste
just after I was turned,
before the Industrial Revolution
*** everything to hell.
- Should I summon him?
- No, thank you.
There are a pressing matters
at hand I need your help with.
I need to know how to kill a maenad.
A maenad?
In Bon Temps?
That's random.
Yes. She seems to have caused
some sort of mass
hypnosis.
The whole town has devolved
a primitive state in a matter of days.
Oh, my, she's an old one.
Well, they're all old.
Relics.
- Ancient Greece, correct?
- Before that even.
***, sacrifice?
Cannibalism?
We suspect.
Fun.
So how do I kill it?
You can't.
She's convinced herself
she's immortal and so she is.
William, surely you know
that everything that exists
imagined itself into existence.
I'm not entirely familiar
with that theory, no.
Think about it.
You're a wild young girl
who's married to some jerk
who treats you like property
and is also ***
some 14-year-old boy.
And along comes this religion,
which encourages you
to get hammered,
run naked through the woods,
have sex with whoever,
or whatever,
and it's all part of getting
closer to God.
I could see how that would have
its appeal,
especially to humans
with their tendency towards Puritanism.
Exactly.
So you're *** everybody
in the dirt.
Why not kill something
and eat it raw?
Hey, you're super extra pious.
There's nothing you can't do,
and each time you do it just brings you
one step closer to the divine.
- Isn't that delusional?
- Never underestimate
the power of blind faith.
It can manifest in ways
that bend the laws of physics
or break them entirely.
I bit her and it poisoned me.
Of course it did.
We can only drink human blood,
and she's no longer even remotely human.
But she started out as human.
Hello. Evolution?
We started out that way too.
Less than two hours till dawn.
Shall we have sex?
Kidding.
I haven't enjoyed sex with men
since the Eisenhower administration.
- I really ought to get back to...
- Nonsense.
Sookie's not in any trouble.
You would know it.
- But I...
- Spend the day and leave tomorrow{\ night}.
- I really would l...
- I insist.
By the way, you haven't told me
what you think of my new day room.
It's lovely.
Tara, stop pacin'.
You need to get some sleep.
We have to go get him.
And we will as soon as Bill
gets back.
He might have some information
about how to deal with Maryann.
He might have some information?
He might not.
And Eggs needs to get out now.
Tara, it's just too dangerous.
How many times
have you put yourself in danger
for the man you love?
{\How come }You get that option and I don't?
Baby girl, it's better this way.
Oh ***, she coming for you.
I finally found a strong, beautiful,
good man who loves me,
and you want to keep me from {\rescuing}saving him
'cause you're afraid I might get hurt?
How hurt do you think I'm gonna be
if we wait and something happens to him?
I ain't lettin' you go back
to somebody who beats you.
- He beat her?
- No, it... It wasn't him.
It was Maryann.
Her influence.
She didn't throw the punches
herself, did she? No.
Now, sit down and shut the *** up.
Sookie, my back pocket,
get them handcuffs.
These are fur.
Give me your hand.
Give me your *** hand.
I will never forgive you for this.
Never.
You're just jealous
'cause I found love
and you know you never will,
you ***' freak.
Baby, it's for you own good.
You too. You don't want me to be
happy 'cause you never were.
I only want you to be happy.
And you had to settle
for a dead man.
That's supposed to get me
on your side?
I'm goin' on the front porch
to make sure that {\devil }woman
- don't try to come up{\ in here}.
- {\You think }She will?
All I know is if it's
supernatural and it wants you,
it ain't gonna wait for you
to come to it.
You are kiddin' me.
This ain't happenin' to you.
Seriously?
You can become any animal anytime?
Yeah, as long
as I've imprinted on it.
That is ***' cool, man.
Yeah, well,
as cool as that may be,
we still got a maenad
we gotta deal with
- before it takes our whole town out.
- Listen, you can't deal with it.
All right, your best bet's
to leave while you still can.
Shouldn't we think about
getting the law in involved?
I am involved.
Well, I meant Sheriff Dearborne,
Kenya,
that other guy, the squirrelly one.
Sheriff's station was wide open
and empty.
They ain't gonna help.
Then we have got to be the law.
Guys, I read a book about this.
This is Armageddon.
This is the Oral History
of the Zombie War.
We need weapons, lots of them.
{\Listen, }I hate to break it to you, but guns
aren't gonna do jack *** to Maryann.
And you can't shoot anybody else.
These are our friends,
this is our town.
Well, sometimes you need
to destroy somethin' to save it.
That's in the Bible.
Or the Constitution.
Is she in there?
Who's out there?
No need to be afraid.
Just come on out so we can see
each other.
Coby?
- Is our mama here?
- No, no. Not right now.
Good{\ for you}. Will you help us hide?
And will you make us lunch?
We haven't eaten since the day
before yesterday.
{\Andy and I}We are taking off.
- Where you going?
- Sheriff's office.
We gotta arm ourselves.
Hey, Coby, Lise.
Jason, no. You... You...
You're walkin' into something
bigger and more dangerous
than you can even imagine.
I gotta do this.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
And probably a lot of other people
as well. Just think this through.
Time for thinking is over.
It's time for action.
Maybe Sam's right.
Has he been
to Leadership Conference?
Has he had paramilitary training?
You're a damn fool, Jason.
Come on.
Let's go inside, get you kids
somethin' to eat. Come on.
You're a damn fool, Jason.
By the way, you're welcome
for me saving your life!
Can you believe that?
What an ***.
Welcome to my world, Jason.
Don't you at least want to sit down?
Nope.
It's a text from Bill.
From five hours ago.
Damn it.
I'm getting a new phone
as soon as Eric pays me.
You're working for Eric?
Great.
Bill's not coming back
until tomorrow.
Well, then I guess we better
not plan on him saving us.
Mama, you gotta let me go.
You keep me here
and anything happens to Eggs,
you will have destroyed
my one chance at true love.
Girl,
you don't want true love.
True love will rip you open.
It'll tear you up.
I will forgive you.
For everything.
Everything.
You know that is a lot.
And this is a one-time-only offer.
I can't, baby.
I can't.
- If you don't, God will judge you.
- It's God telling me not to.
It is Satan.
That's Satan
in your ***' Sunday hat.
Satan has been telling you
he is God for a long time,
and you've fallen for it hook,
line, and sinker.
That ain't true.
Yes, it is.
I see it in your eyes,
and it's looking right back at me.
Like it has ever since I was born.
God, you've never been
a real woman of God.
You never stepped outside
your own ignorance and fear
and done something selfless
for me or for anybody.
God is knocking
on your door right now, Mama.
It couldn't be more loud and clear.
Are you gonna let him in?
Lord God, I take refuge in you.
Save and deliver me
from all those who pursue me,
or they will tear at me
like a lion and rip me to pieces
and there will
be no one to rescue me.
What was it like inside Tara's head?
Like there was no limit,
like anything could happen
and it probably will.
And you can feel
your insides expanding,
but there's also this...
This emptying out
of everything right at
the very center of your being,
and you don't want that
to ever stop.
Ever.
Damn, that sound nice.
Here you go.
And more where that came from.
What's wrong with our mama?
I'm not sure.
- But I think she's sick.
- Is she blind?
Well, she might be sometimes,
but not always.
Is she gonna die?
Not anytime soon.
Now listen, has she...
Has she been sick
in front of you a lot?
She doesn't seem sick.
She seems crazy.
Is she crazy?
Everybody gets a little crazy
every now and then.
She's always kissin' Terry
and doin' other gross stuff
when her eyes get weird.
Can we get her a doctor?
Or someone to make her
like she used to be?
Like a vampire.
- I bet a vampire would know what to do.
- Where's vampire Bill?
I don't know.
I think he's...
He's still in Dallas.
Don't you know any other vampires?
How's your leg?
Better than ever.
How'd that happen?
Eric made me drink
his ***' blood
- is how that happened.
- Me too. He tricked me.
- Somebody need to slap that ***.
- I have.
Look at you.
Have you had...
any dreams...
about him?
- Now, Sook, how would you know that?
- What kind of dreams?
It's like he's always in my head.
And sex dreams,
all kind of nasty and...
fantastic.
Which freaks me the *** out
because I hates that ***
more than you'll ever know.
Hell. What now?
What?
I can't stay in there with her,
sayin' those things that break my heart.
I will keep guard
while one of you goes to sit with her.
- She can't hurt you like{\ she's hurtin'} me.
- Yes, she can.
- You ain't gonna shoot yourself{\, is you?}.
- Show me some respect, boy.
{\I'm the one who}I taught you how to shoot a gun.
When those {\white}boys from your school
was givin' you trouble.
Yeah, but auntie, that was a BB gun
you used to shoot cats with.
You shot cats?
Only when they went
to the bathroom in my yard.
All right now.
- What you doin'?
- Tara, baby, I got the gun!
- You are not really doing this.
- Go unlock the handcuffs.
Go!
Miss Thornton,
Lafayette was recently shot.
- He's been...
- {\You }Go unlock Tara.
So she can go back to Maryann?
You've seen what it's like
in there. That evil.
You're sending Tara back{\ into it}?
I got a chance
to win my baby back for real.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
- Keys?
- It's... It's in my pocket,
but I can't can't move.
I pity you.
I don't hate you
like your mama does.
You can't help what you are.
But I cannot let you
keep me and Tara apart.
And that's why
I'm gonna have to kill you.
I thought you wanted
to be a vampire.
You know how you feel
with my blood inside you?
Well, being a vampire
is like that...
times a million.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
- What the hell did you do to him?
- Nothing.
Tara, baby, go!
And don't you ever forget
I did this for you!
I need the keys.
You are being a ***' idiot.
You think Sam's
ever turned into a dog
and then had sex with a lady dog?
Jesus, Jason,
you're talkin' about ***.
No, it ain't ***
if there ain't a human involved.
Then it's just nature.
Sure don't seem like nature to me.
What the ***?
That was Everlee Mason.
We gotta fix things, Andy.
I ain't lettin' weird ***
like this take over my town.
No ***' way.
Really? You dialed 911
and you got me?
Honey, you are ***.
Gotta go. Good luck.
Hey there, Detective Bellefleur.
I missed you.
Don't you remember me?
We almost had sex once.
How would you like to get ***
every which way but north?
It's okay, Andy.
I got this.
You just go get the heat.
Stackhouse!
This is a serious operation.
Ain't about you
gettin' your pole wet.
Dude, do not *** me.
It'll keep her from telling
anyone else we're here. Now go.
I'm gonna turn you inside out, boy.
That sounds like it's gonna hurt.
Jackpot.
{\Come }Dance with me.
Come on.
Damn it, Bud!
You know I hate to dance!
Cut it out!
I gotta take a dump.
- Why you shakin' like that?
- Because he is traumatized.
Well, so am I.
I'm gonna do something
and I'll need you to move fast.
Grab the gun when she drops it.
Can you do that?
It's all right.
She ain't gonna shoot you.
Would you please
at least lower that gun,
Miss Thornton?
He is freakin' out.
Run!
Let's go get Tara.
It's not my fault!
She forgave me!
Let her go!
Did you know my daddy?
I did not.
Your mom...
she split up with him
before I came to town.
I heard about him, though.
What did you hear?
That...
He was...
He was a bit of a wild card,
with a big personality.
I don't even know
what he looks like.
Mama cut him out of all the picture she had.
All I know is his name's Duane,
and he tattooed
Mama's name on his stomach.
Well, he must have loved her a lot,
because you know that hurt.
Excuse me.
Nothin' to be afraid of.
- Just here to see Eric.
- He won't be here till after dark.
Well, obviously.
I have two kids with me.
Can we wait inside?
I can't let anyone in{\without his permission}.
Not even for a...
hundred dollars?
I can hold that for you if you like.
Might make it a little easier
for you to drive.
Ain't nobody gonna
point this pistol but me.
Ain't personal.
- Are you okay?
- Nope.
I need you to suck it up.
I cannot do this alone.
I know.
We just need to get in,
get Tara and get the hell out.
And if Maryann gives us any trouble,
you have to shoot her.
- I will.
- I mean it.
{\Shoot her }In the head.
Baby.
Where you been?
I was so scared.
Don't you ever leave me again, okay?
I won't.
I promise.
I love you.
We gotta get you out of here, okay?
Let's go somewhere else, please.
Listen to me.
But everything you want...
is right here.
I knew you'd come.
I don't know what you are,
but I want out.
- It's too late for that.
- You made me eat somebody's heart.
And you loved it.
Admit it.
You don't want us.
You want Sam.
- We ain't got nothing to do with it.
- Nothing to do with it?
You...
summoned me.
- What?
- That night in the woods
with that unfortunate pharmacist.
You saw me.
Well, you saw you through me.
Mama, please.
Don't hurt me.
One of you must die.
But Miss Jeanette was a fake.
She scammed people
by making up crazy rituals.
Ritual is powerful thing.
And calling forth
that kind of energy...
has consequences.
So...
she was real.
Sadly, no.
{\And I should have known }she wasn't the vessel,
but you have to try every option{\, you know?}.
Please, just let us go.
That doesn't work on me anymore.
That's more like it.
Get on in there.
He came.
- What?
- The God Who Comes.
He came!
Yeah, and he smoked
old Sam Merlotte but good.
What are you talking about?
He had horns.
And he took Sam Merlotte
and he smote him.
And then Sam disappeared.
Gone.
And then... And Sam's clothes
just fell to the ground.
Empty.
You *** morons!
Out! Get out!
Must I do everything myself?
You ain't got nothin' like grenades,
flamethrowers?
I'll tell you.
If you let me blow you.
Rosie, I ain't never taken
advantage of someone
while she was *** up.
What a liar!
I know{\ for a fact} that Patsy Lyle passed out
in the middle of having sex with you.
She was fine when it started.
Come on.
I'm real good at it.
I just wouldn't feel right
about it, darlin'.
Would you feel right about it now?
Shoot him.
I want to see what happens to his head.
What's the game
with the one bullet in the gun
and you don't know
if it'll go off or not?
That Chinese fire drill?
- Russian roulette.
- Yeah, that's it.
Kevin, drop it.
It's okay.
Kevlar.
Cool.
You get one for me?
Only got the one.
Well, that sucks.
You know how big this match is.
Not only are both of these men
champions of their respective brand,
I mean, you know...
Damn. I should have frozen
these Snickers bars first.
What the hell.
It's all gonna melt when I cook it.
Maybe I'll freeze it then.
Mama, what the heck are you doin'?
Hot sauce.
Oh, God.
Nobody's gonna eat that.
He will.
And he is gonna love it.
- We have to hurry.
- We ain't goin' nowhere.
Maryann will remember this day
for the rest of her life.
I don't have the heart to tell her
it's all downhill from here.
- What the hell are you talkin' about?
- 'Cause there ain't a woman alive
who'd go through with it
if she knew the truth.
You can go ahead and pack
that box of chardonnay in the car.
- We ain't goin'.
- You are not keepin' me from this.
When Daddy died, I promised you
I would take care of you.
You were ten. Let it go.
I've already let
too much bad happen to you.
You haven't let
enough bad happen to me.
You know how many times I wanted
to go down to Merlotte's
and drink myself silly
and find some dumb redneck
to take to my bed?
But no.
I had to take care of you.
- You ain't yourself right now.
- Lordy, boy,
you are every bit
as big a pansy as your daddy.
Daddy was a hero.
Daddy...
was a secret drinker.
You want to know
what I really think?
A closet homosexual.
That man just liked to dance
more than a normal man should.
Yeah, I don't want to hear this.
It's just mean.
{\Daddy}He died protecting me
and you from a burglar.
Daddy put a bullet in his own head,
'cause he was too weak
to handle his responsibilities.
I lied and said it was a burglar,
'cause otherwise we'd have never gotten
that life insurance money, dumb ***.
My Gran lived
and died in that house,
and now it's like people
who are the exact opposite
of everything she was are...
defiling her.
I almost got *** in Dallas,
but this is so much worse.
Don't take it personal, Sook.
They ain't themselves,
and they're not doin' it on purpose.
{\The first time}When I met Maryann,
I knew there was something
seriously off about her.
She was thinking creepy foreign stuff,
and I could tell it wasn't good.
{\I mean,}You couldn't have stopped her.
How come there's so much wrong
in the world, Lafayette?
How come so many people
are willing to do bad things
and hurt other people?
Because they're weak.
Well, I am not weak,
and I am not afraid.
I am gonna kick that ***'s evil ***
out of my Gran's house
and then you are gonna shoot her.
- In the ***' head.
- Right.
Y'all are trespassin'.
You're gonna have to pay a fine.
Or go to the brig.
The fine is a hundred million dollars
and your pants.
- I'll take that gun.
- Hey, about drugs?
- Would you take some drugs?
- I do not take drugs, thank you.
- What do you got?
- MDMA. Pharmaceutical grade.
- You ain't got no oxy?
- Drugs are for losers, baby.
It'll make sex real nice.
Okay. Give me.
- How much you want?
- All of 'em.
Yeah. 'Cause if a job
ain't worth doin' all out,
then why order a hamburger
unless there's steak at home
or somethin' like that, right?
I don't{\ want to} wait anymore.
Going in through the back porch.
I'll be right behind{\ you}, soon as I get done
with these bugeyed freaks.
I got a yellow one.
Here, chickie chickie.
Here, chickie chickie.
Why should I help you,
shifter?
Because I need your help.
We need it.
And hopefully someday I might be able
to give you somethin' you need.
Can you give me Sookie Stackhouse?
That's a shame.
That would be a tribute
I would not soon forget.
I'm not here to give you tribute.
No, you're here to request my help
based on a hypothetical future
in which you return the favor.
But you are known
to not be friendly toward those like me.
Why should I trust you?
Because until somebody
starts trusting somebody,
we're all single targets
just ripe for the picking.
I have no knowledge
of this maenad creature,
although I suspect
it's the bullheaded beast
- that passed through recently. Right?
- That thing owes me a pair of shoes.
- So can you help us or not?
- I do know someone
who might be able
to offer something useful.
Might...
be able to.
Can we see your fangs?
Don't you like vampires,
little girl?
Our almost stepdaddy hated vampires,
but we don't.
He went on a vacation with Jesus.
You make me so happy
I never had any of you.
Come on, Pam. They're funny.
They're like humans, but miniature.
Teacup humans.
{\pos(192,240)}I hate them.
{\pos(192,240)}They're so stupid.
{\pos(192,240)}But delicious.
So can you call this other person
who might be able to...
Better yet, I'll go see her.
But I must leave right away.
- No problem.
- I'll walk you out.
{\pos(192,240)}Please get those horrible things
out of here.
{\pos(192,240)}I'll be smelling them for a week.
You have my cell phone number.
I'll let you know
if I learn anything of use to you.
Good night, tiny humans.
He can fly!
Come on, Coby.
Let's get you two back to Bon Temps.
Come on, get in.
Let's go.
Here we go. All done.
Lookie here.
It's a present.
He loves presents.
Remember when your Gran
was layin' here...
all bloody and dead?
Of course I do.
Come on down here with me.
It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
Stop.
Come on.
You smell good.
You don't.
Not at all.
Makes you feel more alive
bein' in the presence of death,
don't it?
I guess you'd know that.
Not as much as you.
How come you let him
put his dead *** inside you?
- It ain't natural and it ain't right.
- I don't think you're in any position
to talk about
what's natural and right.
What are you in the mood for?
Nothin' for me, thank you.
William, you have to eat
before we play Yahtzee.
I need you to play your best game.
I only feed from Sookie.
Why on Earth would you do that?
Your Majesty, I implore you.
If you've told me everything
about maenads,
then give me leave
to return to Bon Temps.
Oh, dear.
Ludis.
Your Majesty.
Ludis, this is my good friend
Bill Compton.
Would you allow him
to feed from you?
Yes, of course.
- I appreciate the offer, but the...
- William, you have to at least try him.
I insist.
I will have a sex with you.
That will not be necessary.
I love watching two men together.
Can I help you?
Horse nettle.
Also known as bull nettle,
the Devil's tomato,
and my personal favorite,
the apple of ***.
It's quite poisonous.
But in the tiniest of doses,
a savory addition
to any wine-based sauce.
Gives it a pungent hint of madness.
- A little touch of total abandon.
- Stop!
And I can tell that you
are no stranger...
- ***, I said stop!
- ... to total abandon.
Poor Karl.
You didn't really advance much
in this lifetime.
You cook, don't you?
I hate threes.
Your Majesty,
I really need to leave.
Maenads are sad silly things.
The world changed centuries ago
and they're still waiting
for the God Who Comes.
Does he ever come?
Of course not.
Gods never actually show up.
They only exist in humans' minds,
like money
and morality.
If I can't kill her,
how do I get her to leave Bon Temps?
She has to believe
that she's successfully summoned forth
Dionysus...
in hope that he will...
ravish her,
quite literally devour her,
until she's lost into oblivion.
So she seeks...
death...
the true death.
The one thing she's evolved beyond.
Ironic, isn't it?
You know, they're really not that smart,
these maenads.
So how does she summon
this nonexistent god of hers?
I never said he was nonexistent.
I just said he never comes.
She believes if she finds
the perfect vessel,
sacrifices and devours
part of him or her
while surrounded by the magic
of her familiars,
then her mad god will appear.
At that point, when she willingly
surrenders herself to him...
- {\That's }The only point she can be killed.
- He was the smartest boy in class.
- The perfect vessel... human?
- They prefer supernatural beings.
- The two-natured.
- Shifters, yes.
And Weres.
Fortunately,
they show little interest in us.
Something about our hearts
not beating.
But they'll try any other being
that straddles the two worlds.
As long as it has a beating heart.
You have to remember,
they've been trying for centuries.
They're constantly improvising
their recipes
in hopes of finding that one magic
element that will make it all happen.
Idiots.
Excuse me.
Hadley, keep our guests entertained,
won't you?
Really?
- How interesting.
- How's my cousin Sookie?
She's good.
Be sure and tell her I said hey.
- I don't know.
- How's Gran?
I'd love to talk to her sometime,
but I owe her so much money.
I think it's best
that you are not in touch.
Oh, I know.
There's no place for me
in that world anymore.
Still think about 'em, though.
That'll be all.
Well, seems your friend
Mr. Northman is here.
Then it's definitely time
for me to go.
This alpha male posturing,
you really should just *** each other
and get it over with. I could watch.
Thank you for seeing me.
Enjoy your restricted diet.
I do look forward to meeting her.
Yahtzee.
What are you doing here?
Hoping the queen can tell me
how to kick a maenad's ***.
Now why would you want to do that?
So that you'll look like a hero
to Sookie?
This paranoia,
it's really quite unbecoming.
Has she... mentioned me?
That was really
quite desperate of you,
tricking her into drinking your blood
so that she became attracted to you.
Unlike you who fed her your own blood
the very night you met.
- How do you know that?
- So you're not denying it?
- I was saving her life.
- Isn't that convenient?
You stay away from Sookie, Eric.
Or I will tell the queen
that you're forcing humans
to sell vampire blood for you.
- You wouldn't.
- I won't,
as long as you never come close
to Sookie ever again.
I don't like threats.
Neither do I.
Why are we parking so far away?
So we can sneak up on them.
Element of surprise.
Carbs. Load up.
You think Sam...
could turn into a chicken
and lay his own egg?
Wouldn't that be weird,
eating something
that just came out of you?
What kind of a perverted brain
would even think of something like that?
Why ain't you never liked me, Andy?
Is it because how much *** I get?
Because I ain't taking
any *** away from you.
There is more than enough
*** to go around.
It ain't about ***.
I just think you've had
everything too easy.
What have I ever had that was easy?
You were all-state quarterback.
You think that was easy?
I'm starting to have knee issues,
and I ain't even 30 yet.
What else?
Well, yeah, women do just
throw themselves at you.
- You don't even have to do anything.
- Yeah, well, actually I do.
I work out like a ***,
and I watch a lot of ***
to learn stuff.
What else?
Well, my best friend...
killed my grandma
and my girlfriend.
I come from no money.
My mama, my daddy:
died when I was 11.
- So did mine.
- Your daddy died in Vietnam,
but your mama ran off
with some Yankee race car driver.
You may hate me.
You may think you're better than me,
and maybe you are,
but you and me
are the ones who have received
the calling to save this town.
So obviously God...
wants us to bury the hatchet.
It's all up to us, ain't it?
It is.
And we can't *** it up.
We won't *** it up.
Because this town
might be full of crazy rednecks
and ***,
but they're still Americans.
And that used to mean something.
It still does.
Shotgun.
Bandoleer.
Let's go.
Funny thing is,
I've always hated blood.
Yeah, I never wanted to be
a coroner or a undertaker.
I wanted to be a DJ
or a boat captain.
Mike, enough with the foreplay.
Let's just...
Let's just do it already.
On one condition.
I have to be on top.
Fine by me.
That's better for my back, anyway.
I want me some of that.
Show me how you can
shake your moneymaker.
That's it.
Too much?
Way too much.
What are you doing?
Tear it up. It's paid for.
That's Gran's!
No, I need it for the nest.
Where you been at?
I was looking for you.