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Previously on "rescue me"
Made my decision.
I'm gonna leave the fdny.
Maggie,we've been married 9 months.
What are you talking about,
"breathing life into the relationship"?
Everyone needs breath.
Everyone needs a spark,sean.
Ok,and the spark is by watching
some chick get double-teamed
by guys with *** the
size of telephone poles?
***
Who?
Tony.
Yeah,he's my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure that
she's banging this guy.
I know.
Look,she's on the pill.
You put her on the pill?
I got a girl.
Really?
She's in a wheelchair
but she's got the sweetest ***.
Coming through the probie class right
now is a black kid-- afro-american,
as kramer might say--who is so
*** good as an outside shooter,
people are calling him
the next jackie ryan.
What?
You know,how come you
never ask me about my day?
Listen,you got to get
me the hell out of here.
My wife,she's driving me nuts.
You mark my words,once I'm sprung,
she'll lose all interest in me.
That's her M.
O.
How you doin',kid?
I'm engaged.
You're kiddin'.
Nope.
Who's the lucky girl?
Steven--my
boyfriend.
I didn't put my papers in.
Hmm?
Things changed.
Things stayed the
same,but they changed.
I bought this for us.
I--you think I
wanted this,huh?
Is that what you think,
you son of a ***?!
***!
Oh!
Tommy!
Tommy!
Wake up!
The word on the street
is you're going to jail.
I don't know what street that is,
but that's the wrong street,
'cause I'm not going to jail.
I'm just saying--
That's not what I hear.
I got a friend down at H.
Q.
He says they're this close
to getting rid of you.
I'm telling you,
I think I would remember-- You
don't remember starting the fire.
How the hell can we expect you to
remember signing the go the *** policy?
I didn't start the fire,ok?
Listen to me.
We've got $2 million on the line,
and you are totally screwing this up.
Look,I knew you wouldn't
sign the policies yourself.
But I knew that it was
the right thing to do.
Thank god I did it,
considering the circumstances.
You're stuck with a newborn
child and two other kids,tommy.
Listen,we get this money,
you are never gonna have to worry about
anything else ever again,all right?
Colleen's college tuition,katy's
college,a trust fund for the baby.
Janet can get her own house.
The insurance payoff is gonna
be,like,close to $2 million.
And,um
we can cut that right down the middle.
I got an offer on the
land where the house was.
I don't want your money.
You're not gonna do anybody any good
sitting in prison,you big dum-dum.
What the--what
are you doing?
You had a little,
like,baby stink on you.
And anyway,it's curious,
by britney spears.
It's fancy.
Well,the Well,the mystery's over.
She's a ***,ok?
I want to know what really
happened that night,ok?
All of it.
You know the truth,tommy.
You're an uncontrollable alcoholic
with a heavy case of survivor's guilt.
A couple of big swigs,your guilt goes
right out the window,bing,***,zoom--
you're whipping off my ***
and whipping out your ***.
I saw something about it on
"oprah"--the whole grieving process?
That's how men deal with death--
they want to have a lot of sex.
They think it kills off
all the emotions inside.
Oprah said that?
She did.
What,did you buy all
new stuff for this place?
Yeah,I did.
I went to this place on fifth avenue.
I mean,you can't fill
a manhattan apartment
with all the same stuff
that you had in bay ridge.
So what,did you spend,like,
the rest of the widow money?
I needed a place to live.
I needed a change.
Damien's at nyu.
I wanted to be close to him.
Besides which,we pull this off,
this apartment is just
the tip of the iceberg.
What are you doing?
I want the truth.
Ho ho ho!
That bowl
cost me 5 grand.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
What about this?
Listen,I told you the truth already.
Ooh!
Look,you can destroy this
whole *** apartment.
It's not gonna make a
*** lick of a difference.
Oh.
Oh,no.
Oh,no,no,no!
Give me that!
Give me that!
No,no,no,no!
Give me that
Nope.
I want the whole truth.
Ok!
God!
Ooh
You were sober--
you were sober when you first came over.
***
I remember breaking the news
to you,I remember you
getting pissed off,and I remember
watching the meerkats.
You were more interested in
the meerkats than my feelings.
That's such a bunch
of bull-- Anyhoo!
We watched the meerkats
for-- I don't know--like,
minutes or something; I
wasn't really paying attention.
And then,that's when I realized
that apparently,this entire time
you were making drink
after drink for yourself.
Actually,you weren't
even making drinks;
you were just pouring these huge
glasses of *** for yourself.
I thought that you were drinking water.
And then,the next thing I know
you were all over me,
and it was getting
really hot.
And then
What?
You couldn't get it up.
I tried everything.
I did.
And then,the more I
tried,the madder you got.
And then you flipped out,
and then you picked up this,
like,vase or
something--I don't know--
and hit the gas lantern
antiquey thing that I bought.
And so I ran upstairs to go
get the fire extinguisher
and then I heard this--
this huge explosion,
and you came running
up the stairs to get me,
and then I saw you--I saw you
fall backwards down the stairs.
So
you're telling me
you tried everything?
Even the
tongue thing that you sometimes do?
I tried it
twice.
I got to go.
No,wait.
I--wait.
Where are you going?
I got to talk to eddie.
My hearing's in,like,an hour.
I'll call you when we decide
which story we're gonna use.
Christ.
It's not that funny.
Oh,no,it's not just
funny,man,it is brilliant.
Shh.
What,huh? Brilliant how?
Because,I am telling you,
this is manna from heaven.
Well,I know it's good,but--
No,no,no,listen,listen.
Every time you been in there,
you been feeding them this
convoluted couple of tales of alcohol
and passing out and it's
all pretty suspicious.
Mm-hmm.
Right,but this-- god damn,
this is perfect,you know?
First,it tells how
the fire started,right?
Right.
It was truly accidental.
-Yeah.
Second,it shows you doing your dead-level
best to save her,which goes to character.
And third,it gives a plausible reason
why you didn't want to confess to the truth
in the first place--the fact
that you couldn't get it up.
Shh.
Your limp,lifeless little ***
might actually save your a your ***.
Works fine now.
It's lookin' good.
Hey,ma.
How you feelin'?
You look good.
Oh,look who's here again.
Oh,hey,marlene.
Oh,and look at the
balloons and the flowers.
You're a lucky woman,mrs.
Silletti,
to have such a sweet
boy to take care of you.
I have to shift her now.
She's got significant skin breakdown.
You can wait outside.
Oh,I'll stay.
It's quite painful,michael.
I'm not sure you want to be here.
No,I'm not leaving her.
Michael.
I'll stay.
Ok.
Here we go,mrs.
Silletti.
-Ohhh
-Ok.
Which one is he?
Number 11,do-rag.
-Whoo,***.
-Yes.
Kid's the second coming,isn't he?
Yeah,he's the black jackie ryan.
Why can't he just be a kick-*** baller
without being the black
version of some old white guy?
'Cause I'm a lieutenant.
I get to say what I want.
I could have said he was "the
chocolate jackie ryan," but I didn'T.
Jesus,even basketball
makes you think of chocolate.
No,basketball makes
me think of pumpkin,
which makes me think of pie,which
makes me think of whipped cream.
This probie makes me think of chocolate.
Oh.
Man,he does have all the skills.
Yes,he does,and everyone out here
just licking their lips for him.
Look,murph the surf,75 truck.
Jimmy the jew from 66.
Hey,you know,I thought jimmy was
famous for,like,hating jewish guys.
Oh,gotcha.
We're gonna have to make
this kid a serious offer.
Yeah,like what?
I don't know.
You know,no grunt work-- no sweeping
the floors,no cleaning up the ***.
Nah,nah,tommy ain't gonna go for that.
Well,you know what?
If we want a winning hoops team again,
we're gonna have to pay the price.
They're gonna offer this kid the world.
***,the last time murph pulled a
hot shooter out of the probie school,
the kid didn't even see his
first fire for,like,6 months.
Ok,now,look.
Laugh,put your arm around me
like I said something funny.
What?
Come on,he's coming right over here.
I want to promote racial
harmony in the house.
Come on,quick.
All right,promise me I don't have to
clean the kitchen after dinner next shift.
-Blow me.
-All right.
No kitchen deal,no racial harmony.
Here he comes.
Ok,ok,ok.
-Fat-*** irish donkey.
-You sneaky little ***.
Hello?
Franco,it's me.
High-five me.
Uh,hey,what's going on,man?
I need you to come get me.
Go low.
Uh,richie,I'm a little
bit busy right now.
And I also need $2,000.
4.
What?
Where are you?
Oh,what?Is it impossible for you to
put your own lunch in knapsack?
You know,when I was your age-- You didn't
have backpacks or buses or electricity.
Very funny,smarty pants.
Did you wake up your sister?
She's already gone.
Oh,ok.
Good.
So go.
Go.
Go,go,go.
-Mom?
-Mm-hmm?
Does the new baby hate you?
No,no,of course not.
It's just--he's colicky,
which means-- He pukes a lot.
I know.
Can we name him puke face?
No.
Ok,go,go,go.
Go.
Bye,mom.
Bye,puke face.
Hey.
Flying colors,huh?
Well,the doctors have to check all the bells
and whistles,you know-- ekg and blood work.
Someone from headquarters
will give you a call.
Ah,that's great.
Look,I never felt better in my life.
I just had to buy a new
suit for my son's wedding.
Old one's too big.
Good for you.
Congratulations on both fronts.
Mm-hmm.
So do you like his fiancee?
Yeah.
She's a real doll.
Good.
And as I was showing a
customer these rings,yourson?
Brother
in-law,possibly,in the future.
He grabbed one and
stuck it in his mouth.
***.
Ok,that's it.
Look,I don't care if he is retarded.
If he says that again,we're
gonna have a serious problem.
Sir,I understand,all right?
He's got,like,a tourette's thing going
on and he's a little,you know,slow.
Richie,just please apologize.
No.
Rich.
I want that ring,franco.
Buy me that ring!
That ring costs more than i
make in a *** month,rich.
Hey,hey,yo.
I'm sorry.
We can't afford to buy
anything in here,all right?
Now,rich,please,say you're sorry.
I'm very,very sorry I
tried to eat the ring.
And I'm sorry that we
wasted your time tonight,ok?
Come on,rich.
I'm sorry.
Whoa.
That is dope.
Uh,sir,I'm sorry.
Just on a lark,what would something
like that ring right there--
what would that go for?
That would be 37 hundred.
Hundred.
My girlfriend would love that one,too.
Yeah,well,you know,
quite frankly,rich,
we could buy your girlfriend
a beveled glass doorknob
and it'd keep her mollified
for at least a month.
You know where to get one of those?
Yeah.
Come on.
Dr.
Lowry?
Oh,mike.
Good morning.
Morning.
She seems,uh,worse today.
She's--she's
coughing a lot.
Mike,we got the most recent
blood work back and the biopsy.
Yeah?
It's not good.
She's she's got two more
major malignant polyps,
and the lower intestine is
being eaten away very quickly.
We can't remove any more of it.
We could operate again,
but we'd have to operate several
more times over the next few weeks.
Or we could try another round
of aggressive radiation therapy,
which would significantly
weaken her immune system.
I'm afraid that's her best chance.
So,um,she's gonna be fine then?
Ok.
Michael,I want you to
listen to me very carefully.
It's not good.
The chances of your mother's
recovery are very,very,very
slim.
You mean,
like--like
like slim like when the red sox are
down to the yanks 3 games to zero,
and they're,like,
suddenly-- Slim to none,ok?
Slim to none.
Closer to none.
Much closer.
Wow.
Talk about dropping the bomb.
And that's my mom we're talking
about,not some *** baseball team.
I--I know
my mom.
She
she's like--she's like
the babe ruth of moms.
If anyone can beat cancer,she can.
What?
Mike,babe
ruth--he,uh
he actually died from cancer.
-Oh.
Yeah,ok.
Look,I'm really sorry,michael.
I'll talk to you later,ok?
-Hey.
-Hey.
How's the coffee?
Coffee's good.
Was that your,um-- That
was--that was my ***,yeah.
Wow.
I just started thinking about
it from your point of view,sean.
And I thought about it and i realized
that I was wrong and you were right.
I was emasculating you in
order to get myself off.
I was injecting my former fantasies
into a present-day relationship.
Totally unfair,totally
unnecessary,'cause I have you.
You are so sweet and gorgeous,
and you're here and now.
So I'm all done with ***.
I'm all yours,sean.
Wow,that's--thank you
so much,maggie,really.
That's just a really nice
gesture on your part,really.
So good.
Ok.
Ok,'cause I was getting sick
of always hiding that box.
Yeah,I was getting
sick of looking for it.
Yeah,and always having
to dust off those dvds.
Can't imagine how dusty they get.
Yeah.
Yeah,so I guess it's back to
the old spank bank for mags.
Hey,honey,did you get my tampons?
Honey,jesus.
Did you just say
maggie?
Did you just say "spank bank"?
Well,yeah.
Wow.
So you--you actually
have a-- A spank bank?
Yeah,yeah,a huge one.
Oh,I know,I know.
You think only men have spank banks.
But don't forget that I grew up around
tommy,the king of the spank bank.
I learned from the master how to
store up all my eager little fantasies
and then access them in my mind
whenever I feel the need to get off.
Huh.
I haven't done that in a while,though.
Speaking of which,don't you
have somewhere you have to be?
Well,I--no,I--not
at all,really.
What,what?
You don't have a spank bank?
Yeah,of course I have a spank bank.
I'm a guy,but--
So am I in it?
Yeah,yeah,of course.
You're in it in a variety of ways.
What about me?
Am I in yours?
Well,I--I'm gonna be
putting you in this afternoon.
Maggie-- I just said I haven't
been using the *** thing!
Sean,sean,sean.
Sweetie.
Ahem.
I,uh
I feel,uh,like I'm
better prepared to,uh,
illuminate you about
what went on that night.
And why would that be,mr.
Gavin?
Well,um
you know,I've put--ahem--I've
put some thought into it--ahem.
And I think,um,um
uh,you know,I'm more capable
of--of presenting the facts.
Perfect.
We are eager to listen.
Um--ahem.
Does she have to be in here?
Yes,she does.
She's the recording secretary.
Please,continue,mr.
Gavin.
Hey,tommy,how'd it go in there?
It went fine,all right?
It went fine.
Hey,don't worry about the chick,huh?
All right?
Who's she gonna tell?
Look,the important thing is
that sheila is backing us up.
We're ready for you.
Now after we get past this thing,
the next fire you have to put out is
the one down at headquarters,all right?
I called down there
about 10 times already.
Nobody's calling me back.
Fdny,man.
Ain't like it used to be.
It's all bea it's all bean
counters and brown nosers now.
Guys like me?Dying breed.
Oh,yeah.
Yeah,with the drinking and the drugging
and the mistresses and the
lying and the cheating,yeah.
World ain't what it
used to be,huh,tom?
Hey,we got to go.
Teddy's jury just came in.
Is that good or bad?
Look,if I had to bet right now on your
case or teddy's,I'd have to call it even.
Why's that?
Because they both
hinge on the same thing.
Which is?
Dead dicks.
Ha ha ha!
So,no slide show then,right?
Dad.
Come on.
I mean,you were such a cute kid.
Remember when you had that
lead in the elvis musical?
"Bye,bye,birdie.
" Dad-- Yeah,and how about
the junior prom,the beach?
Remember,tommy had that
really,really bad sunburn?
Dad,no slide show.
It's a wedding reception,
not a birthday party.
Just a quick little speech.
Hey!
Ok,I got it.
Who told you to move this ***?
Hey.
Hey,jer,how are you?
Well,I'm doing ok.
I just come back from my stress
test,passed with flying colors.
-That's great.
-Yeah,it's great.
You believe these ?
What are you standing around for?
Oh,wait,needles.
Hold on,guys.
I told them to do that.
It's been just sitting
there for about 5 years.
Nobody's touched it.
Just taking up space,so i figured I'd
put the lockers back where they used to be,
and then I want to take
a couple of-- I touch it.
Huh?
Yeah,me and chief ***.
We got a
best-of-7 going.
We play between shifts.
I'm up 3-nothing.
Oh.
Oh,well,good.
Then I'll just have them throw it down
in the basement so this way you guys-
- No,you see,it's better up here.
That way,if we get a call,
we just jump in the suburban.
You're shittin' me I mean,
you want me to rearrange my rearrangement
because of you two julio fangulios?
Oh,ok.
Hey,guys,guys.
Give us a minute,huh?
Thank you.
All right,look,jer,
this is your house.
I know that.
But me and chief ***,you
got to give us a break here.
What?
Hey,look,we're covering for you,
and we got no problem doing it.
Happy to help,jerry,but
you come waltzing in here,
these guys don't know which way to look.
I mean,it's hard enough
to keep these mugs in line,
but we're doing our best.
You can't keep whacking us
off at the knees like this.
Oh,is that what I'm doing?
I'm just saying,jer-- And I'm
just saying to you,needles,
you just shut your mouth and tell
chief peckerhead to do the same thing.
You want to go and play chief,you
go play in some other *** house.
This is my house.
I make the rules,all right?
These are my guys.
I keep these mugs in line,and that's
including you and the other guy.
Now,I'm gonna go upstairs in my office
and get it ready for when I come back
to full duty in a couple of weeks.
You want to make yourself useful?
Go get me a cup of coffee.
Make it black.
Get that piece of *** out of here
and put the lockers
back where I told you to.
Hello?
Yeah, this is she.
Her absence?
When, today?
No, no, that's not possible.
No, I mean, I didn't see her leave for school this morning.
I have a new baby here,
but every other day this week, she's left at her regular time.
Ok, thank you.
A victory celebration this morning at the courthouse in lower manhattan,
as 54-year-old theodore gavin is being released.
Gavin's closely watched *** trial ended moments ago
when the jury handed down a not-guilty verdict,
a result influenced in no small part by the very vocal support gavin received
from the mothers against drunk driving.
- Mr.
Gavin, how do you feel?
- I feel great!
I want to thank the girls from mothers against drunk driving.
They do nice work, and the first thing I'm gonna do today is
raise a glass in their honor.
Not while driving, of course.
Mr.
Gavin, now that you're a free man, what are you looking forward to most?
Oh, I'm looking forward to a lot of things:
A nice, big breakfast, a trip up to aqueduct,
and finally being able to sleep on my stomach again!
See ya!
So how's your thing going, tommy?
Well, I'm waiting to hear, you know?
Good.
I hope you don't have to go to jail.
- Yeah, me, too.
- What'd you say that for?
- Hello?
- I'm trying to be nice.
- Hey, it's me.
- What's up?
Hey, colleen hasn't been to school in at least 3 days.
What?
Yeah, and that's not the worst part.
I think she may have run away.
- Why?
- Why?
Oh, let's see.
Your affair with her aunt,
your possible jail sentence, your drinking.
Yeah, how about your affair with my brother
and then having an affair with me
while you're having an affair with my brother, huh?
How about that?
Sorry, it's the wife.
You know?
I don't mean "why"-- psychologically, emotionally "why"--
I mean, "why do you think she ran away" why?
Because she emptied out her bra and *** drawer,
and no girl does that unless she's leaving for a long, long time.
Hey.
When a girl takes off and she takes all her bras and *** with her,
what does that mean?
It means she's going to the laundromat.
Really?
Yeah, and she's never back.
Where are you?
I'm in a car with teddy and ellie.
He just got off.
- Oh, um, tell her I said hello.
- Janet says hello.
- And congratulate teddy.
- I will.
And call the police about your missing daughter.
Ok, first of all, you can't file a missing persons report
for, like, the first 48 hours.
- 24.
- What?
You can file the report in 24 hours.
- How old is she?
- 18.
- She have a boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- Is he in a band?
- Yeah.
She'll be home in two months.
Two months?!
Jesus!
- Ok, calm down.
- How do you know?
Well, I ran away with a lead guitarist when I was 18.
Then, two months later, I found him in bed with a groupie.
What'd you do?
I joined in.
What do you mean, what did I do?
I threw his guitar out the window and then I called my mother.
Is her boyfriend a lead singer?
- Uh, yeah.
- Yes.
Well, then that's totally different.
- That's different.
- It is?
Yeah, she'll be back in two weeks.
- Two weeks?
- Take it easy.
Honey, stop crying.
That is not me, tommy.
That's the baby.
Give him some benadryl.
All right.
You know what, honey?
Hang on a second.
You got a pen?
What's this guy's name?
Oh, uh, it's so italian.
Verucci.
Verucci, ok.
Where's he live?
- I don't know.
- Great.
What's the name of the band?
Christ, uh
something
fake baby head.
Why?
Never mind why, ok?
Here you go.
- Jameson'S.
- What?
My mother.
When we were babies,
she used to put a little drop of jameson's in our bottles.
Worked like a charm.
Not in this family.
I'll call you back.
You know where the secret ingredient in jameson comes from?
- Where?
- The gavin dna.
Hey, if you see a liquor store, pull over.
See?
That is a bad idea, tom.
Here's one.
Tom, it's a bad idea.
Pull over, eddie, pull over.
All right.
I'll see you guys later.
- It's a bad idea.
- Yeah, it's a bad idea.
I'm doing it.
I'll see you later.
Tom Tommy.
Tom.
Hey, tom, he's right.
It's a bad idea,
but since you're going in anyway, could you get me a bottle of cristal?
Yeah, right.
Screw.
I'll see you later.
Not those little shooters--
- Screw!
- Would you shut up?
Hey, I've been away for a year.
Sir.
Hey.
Um
give me a bottle of
johnnie walker blue.
Ok.
- Yeah?
- "Yeah"?
Uh, that's a nice greeting.
Who's this?
It's nona, you ***.
Hey, nona.
Uh, what's up?
All right.
So are we on for thursday night?
Oh, ***.
You know what?Nona, I--
Tommy, you owe me.
I know.
You know what?
I'm not really dating right now.
Oh, please.
Yeah, right.
I bought a *** dress.
Ok, I understand, but, you know
it just doesn't make any sense, nona.
I got my--you know, I got a baby, I got my wife.
Oh, please, not with the wife again.
Ok, you know what?
My daughter's missing.
- What?
- Yeah.
My daughter ran away.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah, ok?
I cannot believe you would stoop to this level of ***.
I'm not bullshitting, ok?
She ran away with her stupid rock star boyfriend.
Ok, ok, fine.
Sorry.
Yeah, you--you should be, all right?
So everything takes a back seat until I find her.
Yeah.
Right.
Ok.
I got to go.
Jesus.
- How much?
- $229.
98.
Jesus christ.
It's whiskey, right?
What, are you charging me 8 bucks a year?
There you go.
Michael.
How are you feeling?
I want you to do something for me.
Anything, ma.
Kill me.
I'm--I'm sorry, mom.
The machines and so much stuff.
I couldn't quite catch what you said.
Kill me.
Tonight, if you can.
But, ma
I don't want a long, slow, ugly death,
stuck in here with these vultures looming above me,
waiting for me to waste away,
sucking all the money I have left into their medical vacuum.
I just want to leave with dignity.
Promise me you won't let me waste away like this.
Promise me.
I love you, mom.
- I don't know if I can--
- You have to.
I don't want to die a penniless vegetable.
Put me out of my misery.
Please.
Ok.
I'll do it.
Good.
Mommy loves you, baby.
Now go find something to kill me with.
Honey, I got to get something out in the open.
- What?
- I know how you are.
You're into guys that are cooped up, and once they get sprung,
you lose interest.
At least that's how it's been, right?
- Oh, but--
- Let Let me finish, darling.
The way I feel about you,
I'll cut right to the chase.
You want to let me go, do it now.
Don't drag it out.
I'd rather get my heart broken now.
Oh, theodore.
You're right.
I used to be that way.
But I've changed.
Your love has transformed me.
I will never leave you,
never.
Oh
that's fantastic.
I got to go to the can.
Hey, where do the probie wannabes come out after their--
thank you.
- Kenny shea.
- Hey, jimmy the jew.
- Not funny.
- Very funny.
If you're waiting on that black point guard, get in *** line.
- Who says I'm waiting on him?
- Common *** sense.
- He's mine.
- Oh.
You know, here's a heads-up.
A guy named abraham lincoln freed the slaves,
and then lbj, he re-freed them.
This was decades ago.
One more thing.
There's millions and millions of jews
roaming the world, untethered,
including right here in the big apple.
Hell, you might as well call it the big bagel now.
I'm gettin' that kid, all right?
And if you try to steal him away from me,
I'll use any piece of dirt I can dig up on you
or gavin or anyone else in your lowlife *** house.
Anything.
Yeah, well
- good luck with that.
- Yeah.
Johnny always got me one of tse on my birthday.
He knew I loved the stuff.
It was during the 6 months or so it'd take me to polish it off
that every time I looked the label, I'd see his name
and I'd think of him.
I still think of him, tommy.
Every *** day, I think of him.
We all do.
But, you know, you can't go
banging around every day with that kind of guilt,
you know?I mean, my job
I get 5, 6 shoulda woulda coulda situations a year, and
I mean, 9/11 alone.
That morning, I got a--
I got a million
shoulda woulda couldas just from that morning alone, you know?
I know, man, but
he was my partner, you know?
Anyway
How's--how's the baby?
Spitting image?
He looks, um, a lot like his mother, actually.
So, um, you remember when at johnny's funeral,
you said, you know, any time I needed anything,
you know, I could call you?
Yeah, anything.
Look
I feel like
I feel like I owe your family so much, man.
Right.
Anyways
do you remember
colleen, my oldest?
She ran away with her scumbag boyfriend.
- She's 18 now?
- Yeah.
Her mother just, you know,
completely yessed her to death
from the time--she's spoiled.
I mean, when she was small,
"yes" this, "yes" that, "anything you want, sweetheart,"
"yes, yes, yes.
" Blah blah blah.
Now, of course, you know,
she's 18 years old and then pulls the ultimate test on her mother--
- she runs away from home.
- Actually
in a lot of these cases, tommy,
both parents are at fault, bro.
Yeah.
You gonna help me or what?
We usually wait at least 24 hours.
- Plus, she's legal, bro.
- I understand.
Are you even gonna
cut me some slack or what?
Yeah.
Give me the boyfriend's name.
This is his name.
That's a band name.
He's in a band.
Now I don't have an address or anything, but
colleen told her mother that his band plays
in all those joints down on the lower east side, so
- Least I can do, bro.
- Yeah.
I would hope so.
Huh?
I said johnny--johnny'd be proud.
Always here, man.
Are you worried?
Huh?
I said are you worried?
Yeah, I'm worried.
Well, how can you fall asleep, then?
Because somewhere between
me sleeping with her aunt
and you sleeping with her uncle, I thought maybe
we'd come to a little bit of a mexican standoff.
Ow!
God damn it.
You slept with sheila first.
Ok, ok.
Yeah, when we were separated.
Who had sex first, huh?
Oh, that we can prove?
- That might be her.
- Ok.
You stay here.
I'll go.
Just the neighbors.
- You want a water?
- No.
Hey.
Colleen?
- Tommy?
- Yeah.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Tom Tommy, the baby.
Yeah, ok.
I got it, I got it.
- Any word on mike's mom yet?
- No, nothing.
He's basically just gonna move in with her, sit in the room and wait.
Hey, you got something.
Huh?
What?
Hey, why are you touching me?
You had some schmutz on you.
Sorry, it's the baby.
Hey, guys, uh, can I ask you something?
Oh, here we go.
What?What do you mean, "here we go"?
Well, whenever you say, "hey, guys, can I ask you something?"
We're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead-end,
incredibly moronic conversation,
or you're gonna say something so stupid that
we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep
because we keep thinking back about what you said
and laughing our tired *** off, not like it's gonna stop you.
My grandmother's lemon chicken, by the way,
so eat slow, you dumb irish micks.
Proceed, sean.
Thank you.
Ok, you know how, uh
*** has come out, like, on dvd,
so it's, like, really cheap and available and you can
go onto the internet and it's, like, right there, kind of pop-uppable
- Yeah?
- In your face?
Well, here's my question:
Do you guys--you know, do you still use
the old spank bank?
Finally, a perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
- Congratulations, garrity.
- You're welcome.
I'll play.
My wife's a snoop.
I don't use a computer.
I hate my wife and I have a lot of romantic regrets, so
my spank bank's open every *** day.
Who you got, "t"?
Ellen degeneres.
What?
You guys seen her dance?
Ok, you know what?
It's official now.
You definitely need some sleep.
Nils?
This chicken.
Jesus, lou.
Yeah, well, my grandmother will be very proud.
Thank you.
Frank?
Um, yeah, you know, I usually keep a rotating stable of,
like, a dozen or so women in my bank:
Famous chicks, chicks I've saved in fires,
chicks I meet at my actual bank.
That's my bank spank bank.
But ever since I met natalie, you know, she's the only one in there.
I might be in love.
Love in the spank bank.
That allowed?
Well, in franco's case, we'll make an exception.
Who do you got, lou?
Well, you're assuming I get to jerk off, which
in my case, seeing as how I'm dating a sex-crazed ex-nun,
it's not the case.
I make a move for my joint, 9 times out of 10,
she's already saddled up and ready for the ride.
All right, well, when you were jerking off?
An eclectic mix:
Jessica lange, jessica biel.
Jesus, lou, she's old enough to be your daughter.
Yeah, bingo.
Sally field.
Now or "gidget"?
No, "flying nun," which
might explain my current situation.
How 'bout you, hot stuff?
Well, at this stage of the game, my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
I'm eating.
Let me think, though.
Scarlet johansson.
- Oh, yeah.
- For sure.
Jennifer aniston, jennifer garner,
uh, barbara hirsch.
Who?
She was this chick I went to high school with.
Uh, brittany klein, another chick I went to high school with.
Karen posnowski.
Whoo!
She was on the swim team.
Uh, janet.
Uh, let's see.
This chick I met, um--
Janet who?
What?
Janet who?
Janet
uh, janakowski.
She was, uh, on the debate team.
She was so hot.
She was really--she could really debate.
- Who else?
- Uh-- ***.
Give me the knives.
What?
What's happening?
- Give me your knife.
- What's happening?
I don't understand.
Anyway, where was I?
Uh--oh, the chick that we-- remember the--remember the--
I think you were talking about my wife,
- that's what I think.
- No, god!
- I was not talking--your wife?
- Yes, you were.
You're jerking off to my wife.
No!
Oh, my god!
That's what you said.
Yes, you did.
- Tom, I would never--
- You just said it.
- Yes, you did.
You said--
- I did not.
Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.
- Yes, you did.
- I d I did?
Yes, yes.
Ok, I did, but let me explain.
It was the picnic a few years ago, ok?
Remember, she showed up with the white blouse on
and it was kind of see-through, you know,
and then we had a water balloon fight!
I mean, come on!
The water balloon fight?
Come on.
You guys remember the water balloon fight, right?
Come on.
Guys, help me out.
Oh, my god!
Come on!
Ohhh
Tommy, listen.
You're jerking off to my wife?
- I never jerk off to janet--
- Ah, ah, ah!
Don't use her name in the same sentence.
Ok, if you just let me explain, it's very innocent.
Ok, yeah.
Explain, explain.
- In my mind
- In your mind.
She--she just kind of wanders in
- and she happens--
- She wanders in where?
She wanders into my mind,
and she comes in wearing the same white blouse,
and it's see-through and wet and clingy,
- and she tries to seduce me, ok?
- And she does what?
She--she tries to seduce me, ok?
She tries to un--un
- blouse herself.
- Janet tried to unblouse herself?
From the clingy, wet blouse,
but here's the thing.
I don't--I don't do it.
I run--I run away.
I run into the arms of janet--
janet-fer aniston.
You believe--this is--
he's married to my sister and he's
jerking off to my wife.
- No, I'm not.
- I mean, I--I--y-yeah.
It's just a matter of time before my 18-year-old daughter.
Excuse me.
Come here!
Never fails.
Yeah?
********* ******
They said that we should know something in the next couple days.
Who Who was the guy?
- What guy?
- The guy.
I know.
Just kidding.
What do you mean?
You don't remember him?
- No.
- That's my vollie.
That's my lifesaver.
He's the one that pulled me out.
You're dating the guy who saved your life?
Yeah!
He's cute, he's sweet, he's strong.
He's 12, ok?
Such a cliche.
You know what?
I got to tell you something.
You know what?
I got to go.
Hello?
Hey, nona, what's going on?
You ready for our, uh, big date?
Oh, tommy.
- Yeah, I thought you had a, um--
- No.
- You gonna back out on me?
- No.
So, I thought you had to find your daughter.
Yeah, yeah, we found her.
Oh.
Well, that's great.
So thursday, right?
Yes, it's a date.
All right.
I'll call you tomorrow.
- Ok.
- All right.
Luis, what's up?
- I got her.
- You found her?
Yeah.
Ninth, between "c" and "D.
"
Ok, I'm on my way.
This guy's been picked up before, tommy.
Drug possession, drunk and disorderly, multiple times.
Yeah, what a surprise.
I got no reason to shake him down right now, so
hurry up.
Ok, I'm coming now.
I'll be there in 5 minutes.
Guys, they found colleen.
Let's go.
Hey!
Where you going?
They found colleen.
Faster, nils.
Hey, tom, we're not even legally on a call, all right?
You know, you got insurance investigators breathing down your neck,
we got headquarters crawling up your ***.
Do you really want more *** on the plate right now?
It's my *** daughter, lou.