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Y’know what the hardest part of bullet hell is? Well, besides everything? Actually shooting
things. Man. What if we could make a bullet hell that took out the entire need for targeting.
How about that? Just hold down a button, and the bullets automatically track their targets.
No muss, no fuss. Yeah, most of that was sarcasm. But just because it was sarcasm, doesn’t
mean it hasn’t been done. Inexplicably. Behold Birth Order, a shmup that takes part
of the challenge out of the genre and replaces it with... cards. Because everyone loves cards.
Awright, let’s be fair. Birth Order tries to look really good. It’s got a nice ship
design, both player and foe, and the backgrounds are non-offensive. The ordnance looks good
as it flies, as do your foes’ bullets, as do the BAJILLIONS OF GIANT EXPERIENCE POINT
STARS that fly out should you succeed in downing enemy craft. And you down enemy craft by...
holding down the right button. There are foes attuned to each of the A, B, X, and Y buttons,
and any hellfire you launch at them of the appropriate type is sure to meet its mark.
So this isn’t really a SHMUP, per se, it’s more of a pattern-recognition game with bullet
slaloming from time to time. That said, if you’re steadfast on making this absolutely
easymode and not even moving your ship, instead devoting two hands to alternating flavors
of fire as quickly as possible...
… yeah. Flawless victory. I can’t even begin to describe my disappointment. It’s
made all the more frustrating by boss battles that are actually kinda challenging, if only
because a slight tap of the control stick seems to send you a country mile. Oh well.
Let’s speak of the game’s primary innovation: A weird board-and-card-game mechanic that
lets you plot your own course toward your eventual demise, complete with pickups, bonus
spots, and power-up cards you can collect mid-flight that add on drones, increased card-collecting
chances, and more “feathers” to your already absurdly feathered-out craft. But this game’s
about absurdity, the kind of absurdity you get from taking the shooting challenge out
of a shoot-’em-up. Don’t feel bad if you don’t even, because I don’t either.