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Put your hands together, all the way from Rehovot, Mr. Pinchas Levinson coming on stage....
dailyslog.israelihumor.com
Good evening, good evening, yes, thank you David
So you guys are mostly visitors? You live here?
you're students?
Well, I do political stuff and it was a political week, Bibi was in Washington
Anybody here see his speech?
Make, you proud, yeah, 29 standing ovations!
What a rebuke of Obama,
For him (Obama), everyone was just doing a new kind of exercise
he just doesn't get it, right, that Israel just really sells there.
Most people think that he has some sort of agenda, but I just think he spent too much time in the faculty lounge.
He's just out of touch with the way Americans think
In the usual
American manner, how did he compensate for the speech, he promised to give a
billion dollars to Egypt and if that works out maybe
he'll give a litte more to the United States
But everyone of course had criticisms, you know, the greens saw Bibi's speech and said "How come you
couldn't write on both sides of paper?" you know
and then Amir Peretz says to him, you know
"You said you were going to say something clearly and then you spoke in english" , "What kind of crap is this?"
you know
In the country of Tel Aviv, they say "The 67 line, doesn't
that go to Dizengoff center?"
you know, so Obama goes
to Ireland and says "Trust me,"
Wow, we in Israel aren't going to buy that line,
too much. And he goes to the Queen and says, "Well, I certainly like your Tea Party more than mine."
And the Queen says to him, "So you want to go back to borders, why don't you go back
to the 1776 border" and the native Americans say, "Why don't you go back to the
pre-1492 border as well"
Borders are a great thing to talk about here in this country
But of course Obama goess to Ireland, right, to get back to his roots because
you know
out in LA where all my comedy writers are,
getting back to your roots means going without hair coloring for a
month...A different kind of getting back to your roots
And also last week we had Naqba day..
Actually it was ten days ago ... I don't know how much you know about this. It's where
the Palestinians cry about the establishment of
the state of Israel uh... so of course one of the big winners here
was Hafez(Bashir) Assad right because on the one hand
"Here I am working with the Israelis, you know, they killed four and wounded eleven
and that we can work together" And on the other hand, "They didn't even kill one kid,
the weak Zionist entity"
And the Palestinians, I don't know if you guys saw this on the news, they
climbed over the borders and said, "Great, we'll take any future state you want to give us as
long as you guard it like you did Mag'del Shams.
Over the fence and in we go!" Actually the Palestinians came because
they heard that there were particularly good financial benefits if you live out in the periphery
so they were all going to sign up for their apartments that and
then of course we had an Arab driver
who tried to kill
a bunch of people
and he was driving down the street
...and the bottom line was that he said he was only looking for a parking spot
a little
Arab alibi for
what was going on
and the police said, "Well maybe if it would have been a woman driver we would have accepted it"
...
...
Anyway, the highways here are just horrible, as anybody who gets
in a car here knows
There was a Thai princess coming to visit Shimon Peres and and she got into this auto accident
So
first they don't let her go until they find her employer
and in the end it took so long they just sent some other
Thai worker for Peres,
yeah, the usual story here
and last week they passed here a models
law, right, which
says you can't broadcast a model unless they have a certain, I guess, body mass index
but whatever
their life story is, they said the law is
so bad they want to sort of throw up you know
and the guys who run these agencies say
"Look, first we have to get a minimum intelligence, you think that's easy?"
You know, the standard story, the model goes in to order a pizza and
they say to her, "Do you want it in 6 or 12 pieces?" And she says "6 pieces, I couldn't finish a 12-piece pizza."
Anyway here in this country we have uh... standardized testing
for high school students
there was a math bagrut (matriculation exam) this past week week.
Well, there are a whole bunch of stories on this....like they didn't give them a discount like they
usually do
They took off the MIKUD, you had to study everything
but the questions weren't the hard part. Everyone said the hard part was getting the exam two days
before the actual date
and then of course
you know they're worried there is not going to be what they call a MO-ED CHOREF
- a winter taking of the test- because
we don't have any winters here anymore,.. whatever
everyone's got their problems
And the teachers are of course worried
that you know the september what they're going to do with the UN,
they are going to take away from their September balagan
of shutdown the schools
and the last education item was that in Washington, right
They accused a whole slew of teachers of giving the kids answers to the tests, you know
prompting and giving them answers, like where were these
teachers when i was in school...its not the same world
I was homeschooled, I had to bully myself, even so, it's just not
the same quality
And its graduation season now of course in America
and 250 colleges
gave
their gowns to their
graduates made out of
of recycled plastic bottles
which of course is a great career idea for these people who are going to be spending the next
career
collecting and recycling these bottles.
We had this week and El Al plane that didn't land
so they discharged all this gasoline OK
and you see all these israelis running along the coast with their buckets trying to catch it
and the El AL people said "Don't worry, the gasoline was polluted anyway."
And the passengers were like:
"It was like i saw my whole life flash in front of me. It was like I was riding the
train, you know"
But that's the way things go here in Israel, everything is kind of
weirded out.
And the army this week
paved the raod, there's a new palestinian town called Rawadi
right, so the army
this week paved the road
But they didn't tell you that they already put up the blockade that is going to stop people from getting on this
road but at least this week they decided they were going to pave this road
Jews are always in the news, so apart from us Israelis
this week was
Dominique Strauss Kahn, ... you know who this guy is? He's the
marauding head of the IMF, right the guy who pushs two billion of
your tax dollars out the door three times a day
Anyway, he assaulted this woman....His story is pretty boring
but ...
the bottom line was that he saw it here in israel they're rewriting the laws so
that prime minister's won't be
charged during their tenure and he saw the
precedent of course of ...
Katsav so he put 2 and 2 together he is going to be running for
President here himself
but I love the French, they're great, one of my favorite jokes
as I step aside to tell you a stand-up joke
and that is my favorite 2-word joke, ready:
"Pretentious, Moi?"
As opposed to my favorite 3 word joke, the *** meets the ***
and the *** says "Hurt me"
and the *** says "No"
Anyway, we'll get back to topical humor, so
of course this week
defense secretary
Ehud Barak fired the head of Israel army radio, right
so everyone is just aghast, right, "What he thinks this is his private fiefdom?" Of course Israel
army radio really belongs to the whole left. He's
got to poll everybody before he can get rid of him that way...And we had this magician who got
into the guinness book of world records this week, he
stood up for thirty five hours
And he said in that entire time in the middle of Rabin square, not
a single person offered him a seat
And of course the big world news was that the world was supposed to end this past week , yeah on May 21
this guy Harold Camping, a
preacher ... First of all its kind of weird ...everywhere jumped all over him,
justifiably so you know
...they jumped all over him
largely because he was
religious, like when the UN predicts that there going to be fifty
million people displaced
by global
tidal waves in the year 2010
but do you see any evidence of that? Are they here tonight?
...because he's religious they picked on him.
But anyway, he started toning down his predictions like
that May will end on the 31st
Let's get started one thing at a time.
It wasn't really that the world ended, it was just that they picked up another season.
Now he predicts that the world will end on October 21st except of course if its raining it will end on the 22nd
It was kind of weird because I soft of half believed it, which is why my jokes are so lame tonight
(I didn't prepare)
but now that the world will end on Oct 21st it means I won't have to buy a Halloween costume 0:10:53.910,11:05.740
Schwarzenegger of course
got divorced this week
You know the story,
Ten years ago he told his wife that he
had a child with the housekeeper but it took her 10 years to figure out what he was saying
so finally she discovered this week and she decided to leave him
Actually, he just might be a good actor for all we know
But there was a new study that came out and said that cleaning your house can be stressful
but of course if you ask Maria Shriver,
hiring someone else to clean your house can
also be stressful
The other studies are that the number of long-term
marriages are on the up and least until 10 years later when the spouse finds out about
your love child.
There was a Miss Wisconsin
whose crown was taken away because of identity theft. Her last name
wasn't even Wisconsin.
She got taken off.
Where was a gigantic new restaurant called "Hello Kitty" costing two hundred million
dollar restaurant in China, OK
They put it next to the restaurant called "Good-bye Doggy"
It's really weird that the
PETA people say that
you shouldn't call your animal a "pet", right, because it's demeaning. You should call them an "animal companion"
except in China where they call them dinner
you really have to show a little bit of respect for the animals that you live with
and the scientists have also
this week, they came up with the
the magic switch for obesity right,they call it the refrigerator light
and of course the Oreo, they came up now with this new Oreo
three cookies and two layers of cream
and then another
layer, right, it's called
a "3-2" right because it triples your waistline doubles your colesterol
They were going to name it something like "Rocketship to Diabetes" but figured that
that wouldn't sell too big.
And then, of course, Disney this week
put a trademark on
Seal 6, right
you know the group that went in and got
O(b)sama. They went in killed him got his wife, took back his ***
Sounds like a great Disney movie...
Anyway,
that's the world out there
and get more of it at:
dailyslog.israelihumor.com