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We still have a few minutes
left, and all our lines
are open.
Uh... shall I attempt
another joke?
No!
No.
All right, then.
Come on, callers, don't be shy
.
There's still time
to talk with the good doctor.
Five open lines.
Who's this, then, Roz?
On line one, uh,
whom do we have?
I understand
we have... Susan,
who recently moved here
from... Texas.
(mouthing)
Go ahead, Susan.
I'm listening.
(Texas accent):
Hi, Dr. Crane.
I'm new in town, from Texas,
and, uh, I just
left my husband.
I see.
And why did you do that?
Well, uh...
Oh, I know!
He was abusive.
That couldn't have been
easy for you.
Well, my girlfriend
helped me.
We just got in her convertible
and drove through the desert
and we stopped
at this ***-tonk,
I started dancing with this
cowboy-- long story short,
he roughed me up,
my friend killed him--
but then...
we met the
cutest cowboy,
but he stole all our money,
so we robbed a gas station
and blew up a tanker truck
...
Yes, I'm afraid
we're out of time.
I will finish with you
off the air, Susan.
Meanwhile, this is
Dr. Frasier Crane,
saying good day, Seattle,
and good mental health.
Well, thank you, Thelma.
Or is it Louise?
Don't snap at me
because you didn't get
any phone calls today.
I told you not to put me
on the spot again.
I'm sorry, Roz,
but I was desperate.
You know, I really
think you were closer
with that character
yesterday--
the young teen
who moved into the town
that had banned dancing.
Now that, that had
the tang of reality.
That was Footloose,
you idiot.
Hey! I thought you were working tonight.
I got the night off and I am
kidnapping you for the weekend.
Oh! Where we going?
My boss gave me
his house in the mountains.
It's very romantic.
And there's this
little family of deer
that comes right up
to the window, so you
might want to bring...
My camera! I will!
Well, I was going to say
gun, but suit yourself.
Oh, you are going
to love it.
There's this amazing view of the lake.
You can see every
star in the sky.
Wow!
Is there a VCR there?
'Cause I just
bought a couple of
great old Ginger Rogers
and Fred Astaire movies.
Why didn't you just rent them?
I did. Last August.
Ah. Okay, let's get moving.
I don't want
to get stuck in traffic.
Sounds good.
I'll pack some food.
That was really nice of your
boss to give you the cabin.
What made him do it?
I put out.
That's my girl.
I hate people.
What's the matter with you?
In a perfect ending
to a perfect day,
the driver next to me swerved
to avoid hitting a squirrel,
running me into a pothole
and drenching me
in coffee.
I hate squirrels, too.
Well, maybe it was for the best.
The coffee might've
made you irritable.
My show today
was a fiasco--
the second day in a row
we had virtually no callers.
It's getting harder and
harder to blame it on Roz.
Well, maybe you fixed everybody.
Oh, wait!
There was one caller:
my date for Saturday night
called to cancel
because I am not her type.
Oh, and guess what?
Her honesty was not refreshing.
Dear God...
we're out of sherry.
Well... insult...
made injury.
Well, here's something
that'll cheer you up.
Ronee's boss gave her
his cabin for the weekend,
so we're heading
up there tonight.
Oh. Well...
being home alone
for the weekend
might be just the thing
for someone in my state
of mind.
Me...
and my shadow of a life.
Hey, hey, hey!
We're not leaving you at home.
You're coming with us.
Wouldn't be any fun
without you.
Oh, really, Dad?
I was so hoping
that you would say that.
The last thing I wanted to do
was spend the weekend here
wallowing in self-pity.
Leave it to you
to see right through me
and toss me a lifeline.
Oh, uh, now,
are you sure, Fras?
'Cause, you know, uh,
come to think of it,
there are lots of
squirrels up there.
(doorbell rings)
Well, I don't mind them
in their own milieu.
Oh, guys,
I'm so looking forward
to taking in some mountain air
with the two of you.
And isn't this fortuitous?
I've just had
my Tyrolean hat refeathered!
Can I talk to you?
(door opens)
FRASIER:
Niles.
Oh, Frasier, I have had...
the worst day imaginable.
I need a sherry.
Brace yourself.
You always think it's going
to happen to someone else.
I've opened some wine, Niles
. Help yourself.
Oh, thanks.
Two of my patients canceled,
and Daphne and I spent
the afternoon arguing
over which diaper pail
we would buy for the nursery.
Then, driving home,
I successfully avoided
hitting a squirrel,
only to be nearly run off the
road by some horn-happy maniac.
That was me, you simp.
You nearly killed me.
You nearly killed me!
And what was that crude
multipart gesture
you unleashed on me?
I had hot coffee
all over my hand!
You know what?
I do not wish to delve into it.
I am trying to put my own
miserable day behind me.
To that end, Ronee and Dad
are going to the mountains
for the weekend
and I've decided
to tag along.
Ah.
So it'll be
just two wheels and you.
What are you saying?
Well, just that if Ronee
and Dad are going away
for the weekend,
it might've been more
considerate not to horn in.
I'm not horning in,
they invited me.
Ah, well, I would
never dream of accepting
such an obvious pity invite.
.
You don't have to dream,
because they didn't invite you
It happened so fast,
then he got all excited
and I didn't know
what to say.
How about,
"I was talking to the dog"?
You know, the poor guy's going
through a bad patch right now.
He could use a little company.
We don't have to spend
any time with him.
Marty, you know I love Frasier,
but this was supposed
to be our weekend.
You and me, alone.
I know.
But, hey,
why stop at Frasier?
Why not invite Niles and Daphne
and make it a party?
We'd love to!
Thank you, Ronee!
Thanks, Dad!
(taunting tone):
Frasier...
MARTIN: Morning!
You're finally up.
How'd you sleep?
Perfectly.
I was borne off to dreamland
by the cooing
of a mourning dove.
Oh, I heard that, too.
I think the weasel
s are in heat.
MARTIN:
Ronee and I are taking
a walk down to the lake.
Anybody interested?
Oh, no, thanks, Pa.
I'm fixin' to have me
some vittles.
Is he going to talk
hillbilly all weekend?
You should've heard him
the weekend of the
Renaissance Faire.
FRASIER:
See you guys later!
Okay, bye.
All right.
Aw, Daph...
you know who would've
really enjoyed this trip?
Niles.
You're right.
But let's not dwell on that.
.
We'll make our own fun
Right.
Something smells good.
Whatcha cookin'?
Sausage patties.
Oh! I hope they're
hot and spicy.
That's the way
I like it.
I know you do.
(both laughing)
You're so different from your brother.
Really? How so?
Well, for one thing,
you're alive.
(both laughing)
You know, I can't believe
there are still people
who blame me
for Niles's death.
Oh, people will talk
about anything.
So you sliced him to ribbons
with your wheat thresher.
It was your first time farming,
for God sakes.
What did I do
with the salt?
Hmm...
Huh...
Maybe I left it
in the dining room.
Oh, I forgot to mention...
What's that, dear?
I just had your baby.
I have never seen
anything more beautifuI in my entire life.
(gasps)
Frasier? I thought
you went to bed.
I had a rather bizarre dream.
Really? What about?
Uh...
Well, I'm not sure you
really want to hear
about this one, Niles.
Well, clearly it troubled you.
It might help you
to discuss it.
You know how I enjoy
interpreting dreams.
Well, all right, uh...
(clears throat)
It took place in
this very kitchen,
and, uh...
I was married to Daphne
and we were expecting
a baby and, uh...
...you were dead
and I killed you.
Well, I can see how
that might disturb you.
Indeed.
A man of your intellect
having such an obvious dream.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, come on.
You're lonely,
and you envy what I have.
I was just hoping
for something more complex.
You know, a staircase
leading nowhere
or Mom giving you
a physical.
Well, there were many other
perplexing details
that I left out.
For instance,
uh, well, there was, uh...
a wheat thresher,
and some
sausage patties.
And Eddie was dead, too.
Ah, well, there's
a real head-scratcher.
Well, thank you for your
exhaustive analysis, Dr. Crane.
Perhaps you should relocate
your offices to a drive-thru
so your patients could speak
into a clown's nose.
w.
All right, I'm going to bed no
I was hoping this book
would make me drowsy,
but it looks like your dream
has done the trick instead.
You died tragically,
and no one missed you.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Well, finally.
Your show's about to start.
I'm sorry.
We just got back
from the mountains
this morning.
You're about to
get all the vacation
you can handle.
kenny says if you don't get a call today,
you're off the air.
What?! We're bound
to get a call.
Why? We haven't had
a call in six months.
Oh, dear.
(gasps)
You're on!
What?
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Who's our first caller, Roz?
We have no one
from nowhere.
Very amusing, Roz.
(phone ringing)
What's that sound?
hone.
It's a p
Go get it!
Hurry!
Hello.
Hello, Seattle.
I'm listening.
Not that one.
The black one.
Hello, Seattle.
I'm listening.
Right there.
Hello, hello, Seattle...
Hurry! They're going to hang up!
Hello... hello...
If you don't find that phone
I'm driving this booth
off a cliff.
(sobbing):
Oh, God, I'm trying
to listen...!
(gasps)
Damn it.
DAPHNE:
Niles, how's the baby?
Have you fed
the baby yet?
Make sure you warm
the bottle first,
but not too hot.
Should I come up?
(explosion)
What was that?
Is everything
all right up there?
I'm coming to check.
Don't forget to burp him.
If you don't burp him,
he'll cry.
I better do it myself.
Here I come.
DAPHNE:
Is the baby okay?
What's going on?
I'm on my way.
(loud buzzing)
He's going to need
a new ***, too.
Don't forget your other
responsibilities, Niles.
There's lots of other
responsibilities.
You have to prioritize,
and the baby comes first.
Is he all right?
I'm coming up there.
Make sure you support his head
when you hold him.
Are you doing it right?
I'm coming to check.
Are you ignoring me?
Why don't I hear anything?
Do I have to do
everything around here?
Do I smell
something burning?
I'm on my way.
(electricity popping)
What was that?
I'd better not find a mess.
I have enough work
taking care of the baby.
I can't clean up after you, too.
Is everything
all right in there?
(gasping)
I can't do it.
It's just as well.
I'm too tired, anyway.
Oh, you couldn'?
sleep either?
Just thought I'd fix
myself a little snack.
Well, you're entitled,
eating for two.
I had the baby
five months ago.
Oh, yes, that's right.
I had Roz send you some flowers.
I just have a few extra
pregnancy pounds
I haven't been able to lose yet.
It's really starting to show.
Oh, yes.
Well done.
I'll have Roz
send you some flowers.
Excuse us.
The plumber has to fix
the leaky faucet in our bedroom.
Oh, sure, go right on up.
one,
Isn't he a clever
finding a plumber
at this hour?
Yes, indeed.
How fat of you to notice.
Hello.
Hi. I'm here about
the cable problem.
Oh, I don't know anything about that.
I'll handle this,
darling.
Cable's out
in the bedroom.
Well, let's see what you've
going on in there.
Bless him. He's on top
of everything around here.
You know, I really miss
playing with Niles.
But he's so busy sleeping with other women.
What did you say?
Have you seen Dad?
Do you still think
I'm beautiful?
Dad, there you are.
I need to show you something
in the bedroom.
Niles, wait!
Please tell me you think
I'm beautiful!
Niles, answer me!
Niles!
Are you all right?
How could you?!
I'm sorry?
You better be!
Hello.
Oh, hi, Daph.
What are you doing here?
I had a nightmare.
Couldn't get back to sleep.
.
That's strange
Niles had a nightmare, too,
and I just dreamt...
Niles had a nightmare?
Mm-hmm.
What about?
He dropped the baby,
and it shattered.
(chuckles)
That's perfect.
Wait a minute.
How did he drop it?
Was it from a height?
In a crowd?
Was there water involved?
No, he was in the nursery.
Yes!
Oh, hi, Niles.
I understand
you had a bad dream.
(chuckles)
Yes, it was utterly
inscrutable.
There was a table saw
and an apple pie...
Spare me, Niles.
You broke the baby.
Now who has
the obvious dreams?
It was still more interesting
than yours.
Frasier dreamed he killed me
and married you.
At least he wasn't cheating
on me with the service people
because I was fat!
Will you please stop blaming me
for something I did
in your dreams.
So you admit it.
Daphne, Daphne, I will always
find you attractive.
Your dreams shouldn't
worry you at all.
Unlike mine. I could very well
turn out to be a bad father.
At least you two
can face your fears together.
Whom do I have to hug away
my night terrors, hmm?
Oh, boo-hoo.
Send yourself some flowers.
I beg your pardon.
That's a rather
flippant comeback
when I express myself...
Don't you take that tone
with my wife.
He finally notices
I'm in the room.
(all arguing)
MARTIN:
What the hell is going on here?
Well, Dad, it's this
infernal mountain air.
It's giving us all nightmares.
All of you?
Well...
Daphne dreamed
that she was terminally fat,
Niles that he was going
to be a bad parent...
At least mine arose
from a real problem:
the fact that I'm alone
and I will always be alone.
Geez, we come up here
to relax,
and you're arguing
about your dreams?
Dreams that reveal
genuine anxieties which were...
Blah, blah, blah.
You're going to lose your looks?
Happens to everyone.
You're afraid you're going to end up alone?
You'll still have your family.
You're afraid you're
going to be a bad father?
Join the club.
Now just clam up
and go to bed.
You know, I'm starting to regrinviting
him up here.
Dad, we're sorry.
NILES:
You were right.
Maybe we let our problems
get to us a bit too much.
MARTIN:
Well, hell, yes.
.
If they're the worst
of your problems, you're lucky
I got a bullet in my hip,
a girlfriend
who's too good for me
and might realize it any day,
a dog who's pushing
80 in human years
and I'm not far behind him--
but you don't hear me
making a fuss, do you?
know why?
'Cause I focus on
what's good about my life.
You know what
you people should do?
Let's tell them, Ronee.
(playing lively piano intro)
Grab your coat
and get your hat??
Leave your worries
on the doorstep??
Life can be so sweet??
On the sunny side
of the street...??
(lush orchestration begins)
Can't you hear
the pitter-pat??
And that happy tune
is your step??
Life can be complete??
On the sunny side
of the street??
MARTIN AND RONEE:
I used to walk in the shade?
With my blues on parade?
But I'm not afraid??
This rover crossed over?
If I never have a cent
I'll be rich as Rockefeller
Gold dust at my feet??