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HEY!
It's fan appreciation day here
on How I Seize It
and I'm fixin' to depreciate
the hell outta y'all.
Right here, right now, so let's go!
Let's begin with our mornin'
mail-
And yeah, maybe it IS 11:00PM-
It's MY mornin', not y'alls-
Don't get smart with me or I will *** the hell outta you.
This
first letter here is from Freiderich-
Oh yeah, I'm big in Lichtenstein!
"Dear Ms.
Jenkins, you're outstandin'-"
See! They call me outstandin'!
I'm outstandin'.
"-balance of Frederick's of Hollywood-"
I ain't no *** Ms...
Get
it right and maybe I'll stop ignorin'
your harrassment letters,
you stoop mother ***'
foreigners!
"Dear Lo,
You so insightful.
How you always know the right thing to say?
Sincerely,
Joe
from Opp, Alabama.
P.S... Can I rub you down with peanut oil
and spank
your *** with my six inch-
(paper wadding)
You know, that little *** prevert
do bring
up a good point.
People ask me time and again
how I can to predict the social trends
and
where I get the warewithall
to know the world's stoopness
and change the path of
Man.
Guess it's just a gift from above!
I don't know.
I's just born this way.
Believes
it or not, I got these two ghost sisters
what's live in my head- Mona and Margie.
And Mona now...she real nice. Gots common sense and make me know
the difference between right and good, but Margie?
Oh she angry. I think her husband beat her alot
when she's alive and it makes her kind of a bully.
Long story shorten, I ejected them out of the trailer park
long ago and ever since they killed theyself in a double suicide so they wouldn't be homeless,
they been hauntin' my noggin', and that's why I drink so much.
It keep them wolves at bay. Let's read my me-mails.
I calls them that cause they my e-mails and they for me.
(laugh-snort) ***, I'm witty.
Hey y'all ever Google yourself? Let me see how famous I done got.
Who put my naked pictures on Adult Friend Finder?
Oh wait...That was me. What else?
(gasp) Oh...OM-Jesus!
I've been- I've been Wiki-ed!
Somebody done put me on the Wikis! Hoh!
I'm one of them Wikileakers! ***, who let them put my birthyear on
here? That ain't right! Eh-
I am 38 years old, goddamnit. (Instant Message sound)
AnonymousHo87 says, "Hey ***, how come your glasses is broke?"
Now how the *** she- Mona?
Is that you? Goddamnit, I drowned out my conscience.
Im gonna need professional help for this. OPERATOR: 911. What is your emergency?
LORETTA: Hey ***! This Loretta down at the Tin Dreams.
Listen! I have been thoroughly Wikipedia-linked. See?
You got that? Somebody is hackin' into me
and they got access to all my identity thefts and all my *** pictures
with me and President Clinton and all my lesbian werewolf fan fictions.
And what you lazy pigs gonna do about it, huh?
I tell you what? Nothin'! Cause you a sack of human waste product
and that's the God's truth! Y'all...
...I been cyberterrorized! (Instant Message noise)
Loretta, this is God. (Instant Message noise)
Confess your sins to the world and let them know what a stank-face
two-piece backstabby piece of *** slumlord you be.
Hey! Hey I got street creds to think of!
(Instant Message noises) Oh no. No!!
Please don't smite me down with sobriety, Lord!
(cries) Alright, y'all...
By the decrees of the Almighty, this is the five worstest things
I ever done in my whole life. #5
I switched Chrystal's twin babies around after they named them cause I was bored
and I thought it sounded like fun. #4
I 'embezzled' a bunch of money from this old folks' home I worked for,
then I shove it up my nose with a ton of coke
and that's why I can't smell good no more, and that's why I can't remember much of the
late 90s. #3
I killed every one of Mamaw's hellcats cause I was bored and it sounded like fun.
#2 When I was 16, I left my baby on the back
of a dumpster behind the Sak-N-Sudz cause that ***'s formula
was eatin' into my drinkin' budget and, and- OMG!
I did have a baby once or twice. I been thinkin' that was a nightmare.
(Instant Message noise) Don't make me do that, Lord!
No... Alright.
It seems like I get to keep my biggest secret a secret,
long as I agree to the followin'. Sadly, this gonna be my last HISI ever,
so I can avoid prison time. Had a good run at changin' the world
with some common sense, and now we at the end of our rope
and it's time to hang ourselves out to dry. And that's How I Seize It.
Bye drankin' buddies...