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If we needed this third film about a reformed supervillain named Gru (voiced by Steve Carell), his ever-expanding family, his endlessly merchandisable Minions
and his increasingly tiresome Manichaean struggle, it really should have been called “Despicable We.” After all, the new movie’s main plot point is the reunion of Gru with Dru
(also Carell), the identical twin brother he never knew he had — a lame brand-extending contrivance that comes straight out of “The Parent Trap.”
You might describe “Despicable Me 3” as a parent trap, too, though probably not the kind that the hard-working people at Universal Pictures and Illumination Entertainment had in
mind. Don’t get me wrong: Parents of young kids tend to develop a high tolerance for the mass-produced mediocrity that typically passes for
children’s entertainment and will happily endure a lot of it in exchange for 90 minutes’ worth of (relative) peace and quiet.
But “Despicable Me 3,” written by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio, is close to unendurable. Under the pretext of offering fun for the whole family, the movie winds up doing almost
precisely the opposite; its attempts at grown-up sophistication and cheeky, knowing humor are clueless and hectoring enough to leave any adult in the audience wishing they’d been straight-up ignored.
Most of the pain arrives courtesy of new uber-baddie Balthazar Bratt (Trey Parker), the former child star of a long-forgotten ’80s TV show whose memory he now seeks to avenge.
To that end, he wears a hideous mullet (sorry if I’m being redundant) and mile-high shoulder pads, and his every appearance summons forth a blast of popular music from
that much-derided decade. Michael Jackson’s “Bad” is unsurprisingly high on the playlist as are similarly obvious candidates like “Take My Breath Away” and “Take on Me.
By the time the movie tosses in a 10-second excerpt from “99 Luftballons,” you might find yourself less amused than enraged. Not because the songs aren’t fun, but because even
their wan nostalgia value feels cheapened and diminished by directors Pierre Coffin and Kyle Balda, who treat every element on their broad, busy canvas with the same
undiscriminating junkyard sensibility that has become synonymous with the Illumination Entertainment brand (see also “The Secret Life of Pets” and “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax.” If you must).
The plot is set in motion when Bratt uses bubble-gum bombs and a weaponized keytar to steal an enormous diamond. Failing to capture their new nemesis, Gru and his new wife
Lucy (Kristen Wiig), are stripped of their crime-fighting credentials by the Anti-Villain League, which has come under tough new management (Jenny Slate, briefly heard). But
the stresses of unemployment are temporarily put on hold when Gru learns from his estranged mother (Julie Andrews) that he has a twin brother, Dru, from whom he was separated at birth
Along with Lucy and his three adopted daughters — the mature Margo (Miranda Cosgrove), the mischievous Edith (Dana Gaier) and the adorable, unicorn-crazed Agnes
(Nev Scharrel) — Gru jets off to the cheese-loving island nation of Freedonia (spare a thought for the Marx Brothers), where Dru dwells in baronial splendor and oversees a
thriving pig farm. Gru is initially jealous of Dru, who has the same beaky nose and Slavic-adjacent accent, but sports a Fabio-like mop of hair in lieu of a bald pate