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ALDEN: Get famous.
We wrote the crap out of that script.
JUSTIN: Freeze frame high five.
You know who we need, though?
Felicia Day.
ALDEN: Streamy Awards begin in five hours.
Road trip!
JUSTIN: Yeah!
A year's supply of Trident layered gum.
Actual trident.
(SINGING) 99 bottles of something on the wall, I don't
remember how it goes.
Road trips are hard.
ALDEN: I can't!
JUSTIN: You're going too fast!
What are we gonna do?
Is that--
ALDEN: George Washington?
Dude, how are we gonna get back to the present?
JUSTIN: Let's ask George.
I'm sure he could find us some jiggawatts
somewhere around here.
ALDEN: Is it jiggwatts or gigawatts?
I could never--
JUSTIN: When it comes to science, I'm an idiot.
ALDEN: Right.
JUSTIN: OMG.
Where are we now?
ALDEN: Looks like we're back in the present.
JUSTIN: OMG.
It's four hours later.
ALDEN: We only have 30 minutes to get there.
And please don't say OMG.
JUSTIN: O-M-G. I Do you know what I mean when I say that?
ALDEN: Um, yes.
I'm pretty sure I know this.
JUSTIN: Oh my God.
So we traveled back to the present because of a white
random light.
We traveled back in time because we drove our car 88
miles an hour.
It's weird.
I'm just saying, like, when time travel comes up, it's
like, a total jump the shark move.
It's like, lazy writing.
Stop, stop, stop.
I'm trying to talk here.
I'm trying to make a point.
Characters vanish.
Uh, stupid characters that aren't paying attention.
And then pretty soon, you end up--
Alden?
Alden!
Don't go in there!
What did I just say?
ALDEN: And when the car stops, George Washington is standing
right there in front of us.
Then a bright light came, and we ended up
in the present again.
And then he dragged me out of the car, and
he was really strong.
And he put a gag in my mouth, and then he brought me
downstairs.
And now I'm here with you guys, and I started telling
you a story, and then I finished
telling you the story.
And here we go.
MALE VAMPIRE: Wow.
That's a great story.
Seriously.
It's got everything.
Mystery and suspense.
Time travel.
Well, now we're gonna feast upon your blood.
ALDEN: Wait, what?
MALE VAMPIRE: We're vampires.
Drink blood, you've got blood, so we're gonna drink it. it's
kind of our thing.
ALDEN: How were you outside in the daylight?
FEMALE VAMPIRE: Because we're modern day vampires.
We're sexy.
We wear leather.
We're sexy, leather wearing leather wearers.
Unlike that lame old Dracula back there.
DRACULA: Oh, sure, yeah.
Rub it in.
Whatever.
Back in my day, a vampire--
MALE VAMPIRE: Shut up, old man.
OK, so uh, we're gonna do this thing.
JUSTIN: Not if I have anything to say and or do about it.
ALDEN: Justin!
FEMALE VAMPIRE: Oh, dessert.
JUSTIN: I find you attractive.
ALDEN: Justin, help!
Uh, I'm out of ideas.
MALE VAMPIRE: Wait, let me get this straight.
He was just going to fight a room full of sexy vampires
with whatever he happened to pull out of his pocket?
ALDEN: Dude, did you bring the trident?
JUSTIN: Oh, yeah!
ALDEN: No, the actual trident.
JUSTIN: Oh, I got this.
I got a plan.
ALDEN: Chew, damn you, chew.
MALE VAMPIRE: Seriously?
JUSTIN: It looks like the stakes have been raised.
ALDEN: Not bad.
JUSTIN: It looks like these vampires are in
a real sticky situation.
[GROANING]
ALDEN: Dude, it's the terrible puns.
Keep going.
JUSTIN: I'm about to chew you a big flavor.
Like, like, do you a favor.
[GROANING]
MALE VAMPIRE: There it is.
JUSTIN: Just takes some explaining.
ALDEN: Thanks for gumming to my rescue.
Get it?
OK, great.
OK.
MALE VAMPIRE: We're at the twilight of our careers.
[GROANING]
Now I'm doing it to myself.
I want to stop, but I--
all my efforts are-- oh, here it comes.
In "vein."
ALDEN: We're out of gas?
We had a full tank when we left.
JUSTIN: George Washington is siphoning our gas!
ALDEN: What?
You come back here!
You [BLEEP]
never wanna see your face again!
Except on dollar bills, and only if they're mine.