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"CALIFORNICATION"...
HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME BILL'S DAUGHTER WAS A WRITER?
THIS YOUNG WOMAN'S WRITTEN WHAT COULD BE THE BOOK OF THE YEAR.
IS THAT RIGHT?
THE GIRL'S GONNA SELL FIVE MILLION COPIES
BASED ON THE JACKET PHOTO ALONE.
PEOPLE ARE GONNA RECOGNIZE MY WRITING.
NO, SEE, I COVERED MY TRACKS.
I ADDED LITTLE BITS OF ME WHEN I RETYPED IT.
YOU HAVE DONE SOME ***-UP *** IN YOUR TIME,
NOT KNOWINGLY.
I'LL TAKE THE BOOK OFF THE COUNTER -- YOU SAY THE WORD.
MANY.
WELL, THEN I'M ***.
BABY, COME ON -- HEY, WE WERE TAKING A BREAK!
ARE YOU TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT MARRYING BILL?
YES.
WHAT ABOUT HANK?
ARE YOU QUESTIONING THINGS?
I QUESTION EVERYTHING -- IT'S VERY HEALTHY.
I JUST THINK YOU CAN'T RUN OFF AND MARRY A GUY
AFTER MAKING SWEET LOVE TO YOURS TRULY.
♪ IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE AND YOU NEED SOMEONE ♪
♪ CALL ME UP AND I'LL COME RUNNING ♪
♪ RECONSIDER ME ♪
♪ RECONSIDER ME ♪
♪ IF IT'S STILL THE PAST... ♪
IF ANYONE KNOWS OF A REASON WHY THIS COUPLE SHOULD NOT WED,
SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.
♪ RECONSIDER ME ♪
♪ RECONSIDER ME ♪
WHAT?
UH, WAIT, HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
STOP. ONE MINUTE. TIME OUT.
SINCE YOU ARE BRINGING IT UP,
THERE IS SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS.
I JUST WANT TO PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
KAREN, I'VE GOT A CAR --
THERE'S MORE.
YOU JUST SAY THE WORD, AND I'LL PULL IT AROUND FRONT.
YOU GET IN, YOU GRAB THE BECCA, OFF WE GO.
BILL, I'M SORRY -- YOU'RE NOT INVITED.
DOESN'T HAVE MUCH OF A BACK SEAT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, KAREN? IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
♪ ...RECONSIDER ME ♪
AAAAAHH!
SLOW DOWN!
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
ARE YOU OKAY?
OH, SWEETIE.
YEAH. JUST A BAD DREAM.
BETTER GET MOVING --
WEDDING'S AT 3:00.
I LAID OUT YOUR CLOTHES.
THERE'S COFFEE.
OH, HAPPY DAY.
OKAY, THE *** BUNNY GOES AROUND THE *** LEFT...
[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]
[ GASPS ]
OH, MY GOD, HONEY. YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH?
IT HAPPENED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
IT.
IT WHAT?
IT!
IT?
THE IT!
OH, IT!
***.
OH, I'M SO SORRY, SWEETIE.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SET UP FOR SUCH A MOMENTOUS EVENT
IN THE LIFE OF A YOUNG WOMAN.
I SHOULD HAVE HAD SOME KIND OF KIT PREPARED.
ARE YOU OKAY? DO YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN?
ARE YOU THERE, DAD? IT'S ME -- BECCA. I'M FINE.
I'M NOT GOING TO DIE OR ANYTHING. I JUST GOT MY PERIOD.
Shh-shh-shh!
YEAH.
AHA! OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA -- OH, DEAR.
WHAT?
I KINDA NEED THOSE.
YEAH, I PROBABLY NEED THEM MORE THAN YOU.
UH, WELL, LET ME BUY THEM OFF YOU.
NO.
CAN I BUY A COUPLE?
EW, NO!
LET ME JUST BUY A COUPLE TAMPONS FROM YOU.
I CAN'T BUY ONE ***? ONE ***.
NO, I WON'T SELL YOU ONE ***.
DO YOU HAVE ANY CASH?
HERE'S AN IDEA -- WHY DON'T YOU TRY ANOTHER STORE?
THEY MAKE A LOT OF THESE THINGS, YOU KNOW?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M IN A BIG HURRY.
I NEED THOSE ACTUAL TAMPONS.
BYE NOW.
LADY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE NOT VERY NICE.
EXCUSE ME?
IF I WAS IN THE MARKET FOR, SAY...
I DON'T KNOW, ADULT DIAPERS,
AND SOME POOR, INCONTINENT SOUL WALKED BY
WHO OBVIOUSLY NEEDED THEM MORE THAN I DID,
I WOULD SURRENDER THOSE DIAPERS.
GOOD TO KNOW, ***!
EVERYTHING OKAY?
THIS GUY'S BEING A TOTAL ***.
HE'S TRYING TO STEAL MY TAMPONS.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO STEAL A WOMAN'S TAMPONS?
I WASN'T TRYING TO STEAL HER TAMPONS.
I WAS TRYING TO BUY THEM OFF HER.
WHAT THE *** YOU WANT TO BUY MY WIFE'S TAMPONS FOR?
YOU TWO ARE A CHARMING COUPLE. YOU BEEN TOGETHER LONG?
ARE YOU LOOKING TO GET YOUR *** KICKED?
NORMALLY, I'D SAY, "GO FOR IT -- KICK HIS ***,"
BUT WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE, DAD.
SWEETIE, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET'S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND.
HEY, ENJOY THE *** OUT OF YOUR TAMPONS.
THANKS A LOT.
GO, BECCA. BECCA, GO!
GO! GO!
Woman: HONEY!
BY THE HEINEKEN! YEAH! YOU'RE OPEN!
[ CRASH ]
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
SHE'S THE ONE WHO NEEDS THEM?
NO, THEY'RE FOR ME. I LIKE TO USE THEM AS EARPLUGS.
FIRST TIME?
FIRST TIME.
WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?
SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TODAY.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THE WEDDING.
OH, SHE'S NOT MARRIED TO YOUR FATHER -- WHAT A SURPRISE.
DO YOU NEED SOME HELP, SWEETIE?
THAT'S NOT A TERRIBLE IDEA, HONEY.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHEN IT COMES TO THE WOMAN I LOVE,
I DON'T THINK, I JUST ACT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I MESSED YOU ALL UP.
NAH, IT'S COOL.
I'M SORRY, MAN.
YEAH.
LOOKS GOOD.
Bill: WE'RE A BLENDED FAMILY, AND I WANT THE KIDS ON THAT SIDE...
Mia: HEY, DAD.
HEY.
WHERE'S KAREN?
COLD FEET?
THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU, HONEY, AND VERY SUPPORTIVE.
THROW A COUPLE OF DRINKY-POO'S IN HER,
A ROOFIE OR TWO -- SHE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
HEY!
YOU'RE LUCKY I HAVE A VERY SOPHISTICATED SENSE OF HUMOR.
YOU'LL MISS MY DARK, SARDONIC WIT
WHEN I'M CRISS-CROSSING THE NATION ON MY BOOK TOUR.
YES, UM... ABOUT YOUR BOOK.
YOU READ IT? WHAT'D YOU THINK?
WELL, UH, I WANTED TO SAVE THIS
UNTIL AFTER WE GOT BACK FROM THE HONEYMOON, BUT...
I CAN'T, IN GOOD CONSCIENCE, LET YOU PUBLISH IT,
NOT GIVEN THE CURRENT NATIONAL CLIMATE.
MIA, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.
WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M FAIRLY SUCCESSFUL AT WHAT I DO,
AND SOMETHING CALLED... "*** & PUNCHING"
BY MY 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
MIGHT BRING ME SOME UNDESIRABLE ATTENTION.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS. IT'S MY BOOK. I WROTE IT.
I CAN DO WHATEVER THE *** I WANT WITH IT.
I'M IN BUSINESS WITH HALF OF THESE PUBLISHERS.
IF I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING GO AWAY, IT GOES AWAY.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT -- YOUR REPUTATION.
WELL, THE CONTENT IS A LITTLE UNSETTLING, WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?
THE WHOLE THING READS LIKE SOME TEENAGE GIRL'S FANTASY
ABOUT HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH SOME DEPRAVED ***
WHO BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE
TO MY LEAST FAVORITE AMERICAN NOVELIST.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT'S FANTASY?
MIA.
[ SIGHS ]
NO!
I CAN'T GET HIGH ON MY WEDDING DAY.
YES, YOU CAN.
YES, I DID.
YEAH, AND LOOK HOW THAT ENDED UP.
NOW, YOU'RE AWARE THAT ONCE YOU SAY, "I DO,"
IT'S GONNA BE YOU...
[ SPITS ]
...AND BILL'S BABY ARM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
THAT'S BIG.
A BABY ARM IS VERY BIG, MARCY. THAT'S GONNA HURT.
ESPECIALLY IN THE ***.
HAS BILL REQUESTED THE *** YET?
NO, AND HE'S NOT GONNA GET IT!
NOT EVEN ON HIS WEDDING NIGHT?!
YOU DON'T DENY YOUR MAN THE ***. YOU GIVE IT TO HIM.
BECAUSE ONCE HE KNOWS HE CAN HAVE THAT,
HE AIN'T GONNA WANT THAT *** ANYMORE -- BELIEVE THAT.
YEAH, MAN, THE *** IS ALWAYS GREENER.
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH,
I THINK YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING HERE.
YOU ARE SO *** FULL OF ***.
YOU HATED HIM.
LAST WEEK, YOU SAID HE MADE YOUR *** SHRIVEL.
MY ***.
SORRY. NO ONE WAS A BIGGER HATER THAN ME,
BUT BILL'S A GOOD GUY -- HE IS!
YES.
NO.
'CAUSE BELIEVE ME, ONCE YOU'VE SEEN THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
HIT IN THE FACE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN'S ***,
YOUR PERSPECTIVE CHANGES --
IT *** YOU UP.
YOU LOSE YOUR INNOCENCE. THAT *** IS *** UP.
HEY, MARCE...
I SLEPT WITH HANK.
OKAY, EITHER I'M REALLY *** BAKED,
OR YOU JUST TOLD ME THAT YOU *** HANK.
HIS DAD HAD JUST DIED, SO...
YOU'RE SUCH A ***!
I KNOW.
WAS IT GOOD?
YEAH...
IT WAS SAD.
LIKE "COMING AND CRYING" SAD,
OR LIKE "DIRTY AND SHAMEFUL" SAD?
[ Crying ] I DON'T KNOW.
NO, NO, NO, YOU STUPID ***!
YOU'RE GONNA *** YOUR MAKE-UP!
OH, HAPPY THOUGHTS!
WHAT UP, RUNKLE?
HEY THERE.
YOU BETTER PACE YOURSELF, YOUNG LADY.
WHY? I'M ***.
MY DAD WON'T LET ME PUBLISH "*** & PUNCHING."
"NATIONAL CLIMATE" AND WHATNOT.
REALLY? I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
"NATIONAL CLIMATE AND WHATNOT," BUT THAT'S GOOD NEWS.
YOU GOT WHAT WAS COMING TO YOU AFTER ALL.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?
I KNOW YOU *** AND PUNCHED HIM --
SET HIM UP, STOLE HIS BOOK.
OH, HO-HO-HO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, HUH?
SPANK ME?
YOU LADIES TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU?
JUST THE STUFF WORTH TALKING ABOUT.
HOW LONG IT TAKE HER TO DROP THAT ONE?
TWO SIPS OF A SOY MACCHIATO,
BUT, HEY,
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU HAD A LITTLE BIT OF KINK IN YOU.
I COULD TELL.
YEAH? YOU LOOKING TO GET A LITTLE OF THAT NOW?
YOU DO REALIZE YOU'RE HITTING ON A TEENAGE GIRL?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR "THANG."
GROSS.
AT LEAST IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR THE BEST, RIGHT?
HANK GETS HIS BOOK BACK,
AND YOU GET TO CRAWL BACK TO THE HOLE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME.
[ SCOFFS ] HEY, *** THAT, RUNKLE.
THIS AIN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER.
[ ROCK MUSIC BLARING ]
YOU, LILLIPUTIAN -- YOU'RE GOING WITH ME.
DON'T SCRATCH IT.
AND YOU -- SHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
You had sex with her!
She told me.
AND YOU GOTTA HIT THAT *** AGAIN --
GIVE HER SOME OF THAT DADDY ***.
*** HER INTO DOING THE RIGHT THING HERE.
[ Laughing ] THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU,
AND YOU'RE ***.
SHHH! DON'T BE HARSH. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
BEHAVE YOURSELF.
WOW...
YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE...
...EXCEPT FOR THE MAKEUP, WHICH IS A LITTLE ***-ISH.
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR, I DON'T KNOW.
SHUT UP.
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? WHERE IS SHE?
THERE WAS BAD TRAFFIC ON THE PCH...
YOU'RE SO FULL OF --
...AND BECCA GOT HER PERIOD.
WHAT?! SHE DID?!
MAKES PERFECT SENSE
IT WOULD HAPPEN ON MY WATCH, DOESN'T IT?
OH, MY GOD. HOW IS SHE? WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HANDLED THE *** OUT OF THAT ***.
YOU DID? YOU MEAN YOU SHOWED HER HOW TO...
OH, GOD, NO.
THERE WAS THIS VERY NICE LADY AT THE SUPERMARKET THAT HELPED US OUT.
JESUS CHRIST, HANK!
***! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.
I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE MARRYING SOME OTHER GUY,
AND YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FLUSH YOUR *** CAREER
DOWN THE TOILET,
AND BECCA WASN'T SUPPOSED TO START HER PERIOD
AND SOME STRANGE WOMAN SHOW HER HOW TO USE A *** FOR THE FIRST TIME.
ALL THOSE THINGS THAT WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN...
THEY HAPPENED.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS UP TO YOU.
I'M GOING THROUGH WITH IT, HANK.
GO THROUGH WITH IT, KAREN.
I CAN'T CANCEL. IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO.
I'M NOT GONNA MAKE SOME GRAND, ROMANTIC GESTURE
AND RUIN YOUR WEDDING DAY.
YOU'RE NOT?
YOU PROMISE?
I PROMISE.
GOOD LUCK OUT THERE.
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
Woman: AND IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY REASON WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE WED,
PLEASE SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.
Bill.
Mia: YOO-HOO! OVER HERE!
MIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
EXCUSE ME, I WAS TOLD TO SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD MY PEACE.
WAS THAT JUST *** OR CAN I FILE MY GRIEVANCE?
OH, THIS COULD BE INTERESTING.
UM...
YEAH, I JUST DON'T THINK THAT I CAN FULLY ENDORSE THIS UNION.
GET A LOAD OF THE BALLS ON THIS CHICK.
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD CUT THIS PART FROM THE CEREMONY.
IT'S TOTALLY ANTIQUATED.
LET HER SPEAK, OKAY?
MIA? COME ON.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, YOU TWO DON'T EVEN LOVE EACH OTHER.
YEAH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS.
I LOVE YOUR DAD -- OF COURSE I DO.
KAREN, ALL DUE RESPECT -- GIVE ME A *** BREAK.
YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH HANK, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD BE.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY THE GUY FOR YOU.
OKAY, I AM SO *** HIGH RIGHT NOW.
DAD, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY -- I DO.
YOU TOTALLY DESERVE IT. YOU GOT A BUM DEAL.
YOU LOVED SOMEONE WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART -- I KNOW YOU DID --
AND THEY UP AND DIED ON YOU.
THAT SUCKS...
BUT YOU GOTTA GET REAL -- YOU CAN'T JUST PLAY HOUSE.
Hank: IT'S GOOD.
HOLD ON.
IF YOU MARRY KAREN,
YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE STARING DOWN THE BARREL OF HANK.
SIMPLE AS THAT.
YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?
WE'RE GONNA GET SOME COFFEE, SMOKE SOME CIGARETTES --
COME HERE.
LET IT GO. ALL RIGHT? JUST LET IT GO.
IF I CAN, YOU CAN.
YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SHUT ME UP?
OF COURSE YOU DO, HANK -- JUST LIKE YOU THOUGHT
YOU COULD *** ME AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.
HANK, WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
DO YOU WANT TO TELL THEM OR SHOULD I?
YOU *** HER, DIDN'T YOU?
[ SPECTATORS GASP ]
OKAY, YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
FOR REAL?
DO IT RIGHT -- TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
HANK, WHAT DID YOU DO?!
TELL THEM.
DID YOU, OR DID YOU NOT, SLEEP WITH HIM?
OF COURSE NOT.
GIVE A GIRL SOME CREDIT.
IT'S JUST A BOOK -- A MADE-UP STORY.
IT'S *** FICTION, PEOPLE!
OKAY.
OKAY.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANY MOMENT THAT'S COME BEFORE THIS.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE, KAREN.
I LOVE YOU.
DO YOU LOVE ME? DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME?
YES, I DO.
[ ALICE COOPER'S "ONLY WOMEN BLEED" PLAYS ]
♪ MAN'S GOT HIS WOMAN TO TAKE HIS SEED ♪
♪ HE GOT THE POWER SHE GOT THE NEED ♪
♪ SHE SPENDS HER LIFE THROUGH PLEASING UP HER MAN ♪
♪ SHE FEEDS HIM DINNER ON ANYTHING SHE CAN ♪
♪ SHE CRIES ALONE AT NIGHT TOO OFTEN ♪
♪ HE SMOKES AND DRINKS AND DON'T COME HOME AT ALL ♪
♪ ONLY WOMEN BLEED ♪
♪ ONLY WOMEN BLEED ♪
♪ ONLY WOMEN BLEED ♪
♪ MAN MAKES YOUR HAIR GRAY, HE'S YOUR LIFE'S MISTAKE...♪
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
NO.
YOU NEED A HUG?
OH, NO.
LET ME LOVE YOU.
WILL YOU SHUT THE *** UP?
♪ HE SLAPS YOU ONCE IN A WHILE AND YOU LIVE AND LOVE IN PAIN ♪
SO, WHAT NOW?
UH...
I WAS THINKING MAYBE I'LL GET INTO TEACHING.
THERE'S AN IDEA.
NOT A PARTICULARLY GOOD ONE, BUT IT'S AN IDEA NONETHELESS.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
I HATE YOU.
I HATE MYSELF.
♪ ONLY WOMEN BLEED ♪
[ MUSIC CONCLUDES ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DANCE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER?
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
LATER, RUNKLE.
I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.
REALLY? AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU GOT THROUGH IT...
AND DIDN'T GET INTO A FIGHT WITH ANYONE.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T START IT, AT LEAST.
YOU'RE TRAGICALLY FLAWED, DAD,
BUT YOU'VE GOT A GOOD HEART.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
HELLO, SISTER, MIND IF I CUT IN?
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD THANK YOU.
FOR WHAT?
SAVING MY ***.
I'D SAY WE'RE ABOUT EVEN RIGHT NOW.
HOW'S THAT?
MY DAD DECIDED TO PUBLISH THE BOOK, SO...
I THINK HE FEELS A LOT BETTER
KNOWING THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
BUT WE DID.
YEAH.
YEAH, WE DID.
ONCE UPON A TIME,
I SAW MY FAVORITE WRITER IN A BOOKSTORE AND...
I SEDUCED HIM.
SO WHAT -- WOULD IT HAVE BEEN BETTER
TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY IN THE BACK OF SOME RICH KID'S BEAMER?
NOW YOU'RE REALLY *** WITH ME.
A girl never forgets her first.
HEY...
HOW YOU HOLDING UP, DADDY?
OH, HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
WORRY ABOUT THAT POOR SIMPLETON OVER THERE.
YOU CAN CALL ME WHENEVER, YOU KNOW...
TAKE THAT.
COME ON, MARCY. YOU KNOW YOU WANT THAT BALD EAGLE BACK.
YOU'VE MADE HIM SUFFER LONG ENOUGH.
HE'S BEEN OUT THERE. TRUST ME, THERE'S NOTHING FOR HIM.
HE SPANKED THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT,
AND NOW HE'S REALIZED THAT HE'D RATHER BE...
SHUCKING YOUR HAIRLESS CLAM.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
HEY, BE NICE TO MY CLAM.
HEY, YOU, DANCE WITH YOUR *** WIFE ALREADY.
BE NICE TO HER ***.
WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER.
YOU DID IT.
LOOKS LIKE I DID.
GOOD FOR YOU.
OKAY, THIS IS STARTING TO GIVE ME DUMB CHILLS.
THAT'S RIGHT -- YOU'RE A WOMAN NOW.
SHUT UP.
MAY I?
DANCE?
YOU?
WHY DIDN'T I DANCE WITH YOU MORE OFTEN?
REMEMBER? YOU THOUGHT IT WAS STUPID.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
AND ONCE AGAIN, THE JOKE'S ON ME,
BECAUSE I'M THE STUPID ONE.
YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY I NEVER GAVE YOU A DAY LIKE TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SO AFRAID OF.
SO NEGATIVE.
BECAUSE I LOOK AROUND
AND I THINK IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING
I'VE EVER SEEN...
ASIDE FROM YOU.
OH, I BELIEVE THAT'S OUR DAUGHTER.
DON'T STARE -- SHE'LL KILL US.
JUST ALL WENT BY SO FAST.
FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU TILL JUST NOW...
SEEMS LIKE JUST A SECOND AGO.
EXCUSE ME, HANK.
I WOULDN'T MIND DANCING WITH MY WIFE.
BILL, OF COURSE. BE GOOD TO HER.
I HAD A SHOT WITH HER ONCE, BUT I BLEW IT.
[ GRUNTING, PANTING IN DISTANCE ]
THAT'S WHAT I CALL "*** RUNKLE."
YOU GO, GIRL.
OKAY, DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK, CLAPTON.
BECCA, MEET ME IN THE CAR IN THREE AND A HALF MINUTES.
AND YOU? NO TONGUE. I'M SERIOUS.
THAT'S NOT COOL.
CHECK YOURSELF, BEFORE YOU WRIGIDY-WRIGIDY-WRECK YOURSELF.
[ THE ROLLING STONES' "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT" PLAYS ]
♪ I SAW HER TODAY AT THE RECEPTION ♪
STAY AWAY FROM MUSICIANS. THEY'RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
HE ASKED ME OUT... ON A DATE.
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU.
CAN I GO?
OF COURSE YOU CAN GO.
IMPRESSED?
VERY.
MAYBE IT'S POSSIBLE, AFTER ALL THIS TIME,
FOR YOUR OLD MAN TO GROW THE *** UP ALREADY.
MAYBE IT HAPPENS ANYWAY, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
HMM...
YEAH!
PAY UP.
I GAVE MY LAST BILL TO THE VALET.
YOU'RE *** OUT OF LUCK.
Karen: HANK! WAIT! HANK!
HANK! WAIT!
HANK! WAIT!
JUST GO -- DRIVE THE CAR!
YOU SURE?
QUICK, BEFORE I CHANGE MY *** MIND!
I'M SORRY, BABY.
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
KAREN, WAIT! COME BACK!
KAREN!
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
♪ YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT ♪
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
CLOSED CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY SHOWTIME NETWORKS
AND BLIND DECKER PRODUCTIONS