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"Welcome to the presentation of the new Bayern.
After their astonishing performance in this Champions League, many people wonder what I can contribute to the team.
I'm gonna quote Miquel Martí i Pol to answer all these people.
'Suck my d***.'
Yes, it's an unknown poem by Miquel.
Let me introduce the new Bayern to you.
The iBayern!
You can design the new team from this phone.
To begin with, all the players will be shorter next season, the way I like them. With the touchscreen, I'll make them with the measurements that I want.
Like this, huh?
You won't know if they're Bayern or The Smurfs.
In order to sack the players I don't like, I'll use Angry Pep.
With Angry Pep, you can shoot against Mandzukic, Pizarro, Mario Gómez...
I don't like playing with a centre forward!
And I'll use WhatsLlach for communication.
In order to chat and introduce the world's best musician to German culture.
Yesterday, I talked to Rummenigge. I told him...
'We can beat any team, it's sure they'll fall, fall, fall.' [reference to a Lluís Llach song]
And he told me...
'What are you saying?' And a piece of *** emoticon.
My answer, 'May we have luck and may life gives us a long way to go.' [reference to a Lluís Llach song]
To go two seasons.
Thank you.
Thanks."
"Is this what you'll do? Spanish technology... Ha ha!
Be careful, don't mess it up." "Heynckes, wouldn't you wanna leave Bayern?"
"Keep calm, I'll go to New York too. But if things don't go well...
Jupp Heynckes casts a long shadow."
"But your shadow is just like mine." "It's shrunk a bit because it's cold here."