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NARRATOR: Right now on Duck Quacks Don't Echo...
MICHAEL: The color red actually makes women
more attractive to men.
SETH: What's up, girl?
MICHAEL: That's what I haven't been doing!
SETH: If you drop these three balls at the same time,
the top ball is gonna go rocket into space!
TOM: Let's see it!
ALL: Yeah!
MICHAEL: Cows with names produce more milk
than cows that don't have names.
Did you know that?
TOM: It is possible for a human encased in bubble wrap
to survive a 13-foot drop.
Don't pop the bubbles!
MICHAEL: Why? What could go wrong?
Are you an organ donor?
ALL: Three, two, one!
[applause]
TOM: Hey, everybody! I'm Tom Papa.
Welcome to Duck Quacks Don't Echo,
the show where we bring you mind-blowing facts
one after another, and we put them to the test.
It's fun, but it's cutthroat.
And I want you to meet my partners in cutthroating,
Seth Herzog and Michael Ian Black.
[applause]
Alright, this show is a contest
to see who will demonstrate the most amazing facts,
and at the end of the show, you guys in the studio audience
will vote on who has the best facts.
And the winner will take home the coveted Golden Quack.
[applause]
MICHAEL: In the scientific community,
only the Nobel Prize is more coveted
than the Golden Quack, you guys.
TOM: Alright, Michael, you're up first.
What's your first big fact?
MICHAEL: Alright, my fact is this--
the color red actually makes women more attractive to men.
SETH: Well, they say like if you paint your bedroom red,
you have more sex.
MICHAEL: Not true in my case.
SETH: No?
It stands out, at least, from other colors.
TOM: Yeah, but yellow would stand out.
MICHAEL: There's a lot of bright colors,
but red is the one that really makes men go gaga.
And we actually conducted our own test to prove this fact.
Check it out.
NARRATOR: I think most people agree that Kelly LeBrock
was a total smoke show in "The Woman in Red."
Am I showing my age?
Screw it. I love her.
Would we have been as worked up
if Miss LeBrock was the woman in yellow
or green or even blue?
Is there something about the color red
that makes women more alluring to men?
ADAM PAZDA: If we look back through history,
red has always been associated with importance.
We've had red letter days and red cloaks for royalty.
And in the animal world,
research on several primate species has shown
that female skin color reddens during ovulation.
This acts as a *** signal to attract males.
Our research demonstrates a parallel
in the way that primates and humans respond to red.
As much as men might like to think that they respond to women
in a thoughtful, sophisticated manner,
it appears that at least to some degree,
their preferences and predilections
are, in a word, primitive.
NARRATOR: Primitive, are we?
That's a little insulting.
I'm so angry, I'm starting to see red.
And I like it!
Our first test was quick and simple.
We asked Shea here to put on a white dress
and walk around the city,
while we filmed the reactions of guys around her.
What we were looking for was a definitive head turn.
After five minutes...
Shea had four clear looks.
Then we gave her a red dress, and sent her back out.
This time she got a lot more head turns.
Thirteen, in fact.
So the theory seems to be true.
But this test is hardly scientific.
There were too many variables.
We had to conduct a more rigorous test
under controlled conditions.
We needed four women,
very similar in looks and proportions.
Four different colored dresses,
and of course, a bunch of men to stare at them.
We didn't have trouble getting volunteers for that job.
So we kept Shea and added three more lovely ladies.
Each wearing the same dress but in different colors.
Then we brought in the first group of guys
and asked them to rate each woman's attractiveness
on a scale of one to ten.
Hey, this is just how Facebook started.
With those results logged, we sent the guys off,
and asked our ladies to change dresses.
Then we brought in a new group of guys, and repeated the test.
We did this again...
and again...
until all four of our femme fatales
had a turn wearing the red dress.
We then tallied and averaged the results.
Astounding, all four of our ladies were rated higher
when they were wearing the red dress
than when they were wearing any other color.
So our little test worked.
But we wanted to push our thesis further.
In an even more dramatic demonstration,
we tested how men would respond when presented with women
who were simply framed by the color red.
So we brought our four women back in.
This time identically dressed all in black.
The only difference between them was the color of the background.
Again, we asked a group of guys
to rate the ladies' attractiveness.
Lo and behold,
every woman who was presented against the red backdrop
got a higher rating than when she was presented
against a backdrop of another color.
So ladies, it appears that men really do go ape for red.
[applause]
MICHAEL: Huh?
That's a great fact.
TOM: That baboon's ***, I don't care what color it is,
it's not attractive.
SETH: To you.
MICHAEL: Yeah, speak for yourself.
SETH: Yeah.
TOM: Alright, before this conversation
gets any less scientific,
we're going to move on to my first fact,
which is going to blow this whole theory of yours
out of the water.
It is possible for a human encased in bubble wrap
to survive a 13-foot drop.
You can wrap a human being in bubble wrap and just drop them.
Nothing will happen.
MICHAEL: Really?
TOM: Come here, I've got a lot to show you.
Come with me.
Yeah.
Here we have a big bunch of bubble wrap,
and I was going to volunteer as a guinea pig
to get wrapped up in it and dropped.
But I have an inner ear thing.
So my doctor said, "Don't get wrapped in bubble wrap."
But thankfully, we have an out-of-work actor here,
who is willing to do it.
TOM: What is your name? TURNER: Turner.
TOM: Turner. Nice to meet you, Turner.
Big round of applause for Turner.
[applause]
Of course, I was just kidding
about the out-of-work actor thing.
TOM: You're a real stuntman? TURNER: That's correct.
TOM: Alright, and did you ever break anything?
TURNER: No.
TOM: Anything ever go wrong? TURNER: No.
TOM: Do you have a family?
TURNER: Yes. My girlfriend's right over there.
TOM: Girlfriend? Okay.
So you don't have kids or anything?
TURNER: No.
TOM: Alright, you'll be all right.
So, alright, now as you can see,
this is ordinary bubble wrap, guys.
You can buy this at an office supply store.
Don't pop it! Don't pop the bubbles!
MICHAEL: Why? What could go wrong?
TOM: We need the bubbles.
No, no, no, bub...
SETH: Half is good!
TOM: Bubble wrap works like a bulletproof vest.
MICHAEL: Is that why cops wear bubble wrap
when they go out on patrol?
TOM: No, that would be too much.
It disperses the energy.
That's what it does, so you need all of these bubbles.
SETH: So we can shoot him afterwards?
TOM: No, he says no.
It would be a cool thing to maybe do, but no.
SETH: But we can send him to Denver through Amazon.
[laughter]
TOM: Alright, we'll be right back
with Duck Quacks Don't Echo,
and my friend, Turner, who'll be wrapped up in bubble wrap
and thrown to his death.
[applause]
NARRATOR: When injured,
crabs will do what?
A) Amputate their injured limbs.
B) Make a screaming sound.
Or C) Roll onto their backs.
The answer is A) Amputate their injured limbs.
But they won't be gone forever.
Crabs have the ability to regenerate missing limbs.
TOM: Alright, welcome back to Duck Quacks Don't Echo,
where we are about to put my fact to the test
by dropping a man encased in ordinary bubble wrap
from our rafters.
Moments ago, we packaged up Turner,
and now we'll send him up to the rafters and pray for the best.
You doing okay, Turner?
TURNER: Yes, I am.
TOM: Do you feel like this is going to work?
[laughs] TURNER: Yeah, I think.
TOM: Okay. One person is confident.
MICHAEL: Turner, just an unrelated question.
Are you an organ donor?
[laughter]
TURNER: Yes.
TOM: All kidding aside,
what we are about to do is extremely dangerous.
We have safety experts, a stunt supervisor,
emergency medical personnel standing by,
and we've got all of this equipment.
So don't do it at home.
No, don't do it at home.
[laughter]
SETH: She was thinking about how much wrap she has at home.
Like, "I have enough wrap for that."
[laughter]
TOM: You ready, Turner?
We're going to start hoisting you up.
TURNER: Absolutely.
TOM: Alright.
Now, using this calculator, I can tell you, Turner,
if I do my calculations correctly,
you are going to hit the ground with the force of...
really, really hard.
MICHAEL: My question is, is he going to bounce?
TOM: He may bounce.
TOM: You guys should... SETH: Bounce?
TOM: You should be ready.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
TOM: Alright. Are we all the way up?
SETH: I'm kind of bummed he's going to pop half those bubbles
on the way down.
[laughter]
TOM: Can I just say, as I'm about to do this,
that this is like the coolest fact ever.
[applause] Right?
Look what I'm doing for you people!
I'm wrapping a human being in bubble wrap.
MICHAEL: The sacrifice that Tom is making right now
for you guys.
TOM: I put on makeup for this and everything.
TOM: Turner, are you okay? TURNER: Yep.
TOM: Ready to fall? TURNER: Ready.
TOM: Medical team, safety advisors, are you ready?
MAN: Uh, yeah, we're set.
TOM: Sounds real confident.
Seth and Michael, are you ready?
MICHAEL: Whatever.
[laughter]
TOM: Alright, finally, kids, don't try this at home.
Adults, don't try this either.
Turner's a professional stuntman.
Alrighty, let's have a little countdown.
Everybody.
ALL: Five, four, three, two, one.
[applause]
SETH: Wow, he did bounce.
MICHAEL: He really bounced.
SETH: Yeah, he really bounced.
TOM: You alive?
He's alive!
He's alive!
[applause]
He's alive!
SETH: Alright, let's get him out of there.
MICHAEL: Let's get him out of there.
Let's get him out of there.
SETH: Start popping these bubbles.
TOM: Oh, this is so much fun, it's so much fun.
Good job, Turner, but how about me for that amazing fact?
Let's watch that again.
Turner was raised 13 feet to the rafters on a quick release.
While falling he reached a speed of almost 20 miles per hour,
on a force of over 4 million pounds per square inch.
But the bubble wrap is able to disperse the energy from impact,
preventing our subject from receiving any bodily harm.
MICHAEL: Roll him out.
TOM: Roll him out of there.
Good job, Turner.
Turner, everybody!
[applause]
Alright, this way, guys.
Alright, now you've got to admit
that was a pretty cool demonstration
I gave to all of you.
MICHAEL: That was great.
SETH: Yeah, you almost killed a guy. Great. Awesome work.
TOM: Yeah, but almost. He survived.
SETH: Yes.
TOM: So, top it.
SETH: I will.
If you drop three balls stacked on top of one another,
and when they bounce, what do you think is going to happen?
MICHAEL: They'll bounce.
SETH: Yes, but...
MICHAEL: Nailed it!
SETH: If you put these three balls together
on top of each other and bounce them,
the top ball, the smallest ball, will rocket into space!
TOM: Into space? SETH: Into space!
SETH: This is space. It's all space.
[laughter]
TOM: The floor is space. SETH: The floor is space.
MICHAEL: You're saying what, the little ball will just "pfhew!"
SETH: Yes.
TOM: Like really, "pschew!"
SETH: Yes, really, "pschew."
[laughter]
Is that your scientific term for it?
TOM: Well, yeah, you got to jazz up your facts a little bit.
"Pschew!" [laughter]
SETH: Let's try with these three, okay?
TOM: Alright.
SETH: Basically what happens is, put them like this.
It is called the conservation of energy law.
Where energy can't be destroyed ever,
it can only be transferred from one thing to the next.
TOM: Right.
SETH: So basically, if you drop these three balls
at the same time,
the energy created by the bottom ball
will then get transferred into the medium-sized ball,
and all of that energy of both the balls
will get transferred into the top ball,
which can only handle so much energy,
it's going to go rocket into space!
TOM: Alright! Let's see it!
SETH: Okay.
So I pulled down this tape measure from home,
brought it from home.
I live in a very big house.
And so we can see exactly how high it goes.
TOM: Alright.
Transfer the energy, and let's watch it blast into space.
ALL: Yeah!
[applause]
SETH: Let's watch that again.
I didn't even bounce them, I just dropped them,
and that Ping-Pong ball rocketed 15 feet.
15 feet!
And on the first try!
MICHAEL: Wow.
SETH: It's amazing.
And in theory, if you had like 12 balls, smallest to biggest,
it would go all the way into orbit!
MICHAEL: Really?
SETH: Like the gum.
MICHAEL: That was exciting! It was exciting! 15 feet!
SETH: 15 feet! Ping-Pong ball.
TOM: That was impressive.
Alright, when we come back, Michael's going to teach us
why it's good to love your cows.
Stick around.
NARRATOR: One in ten Europeans were conceived where?
A) an Ikea bed.
B) a soccer field.
Or C) a creperie?
The answer is A) an Ikea bed.
The other nine out of ten gave up
before they finished assembling the bed.
TOM: Welcome back to Duck Quacks Don't Echo,
the show that parades scientific facts
in front of an entire studio audience of judges.
It's time for the final fact, and it is Michael's.
MICHAEL: My fact is 100% pasteurized brilliance.
This is going to surprise you guys,
but it's also going to delight you.
Cows with names produce more milk
than cows that don't have names.
Did you know that?
TOM: No!
MICHAEL: I believe it's pronounced "Mmmmm-no."
[laughter]
SETH: How do they know they have a name?
MICHAEL: Cows happen to be dumb, but it's, well...
TOM: You say it to them.
MICHAEL: Yeah, you say their name.
TOM: "Hey, Bessie."
SETH: Well, why don't you say, "What's up, girl?"
And like you forget their name.
Like you run into the cow on the street,
you're like, "There she is!"
[laughter]
And you don't know their name.
TOM: And the cow goes along with it,
but inside it's like, "Oh, this guy."
SETH: Yeah.
TOM: "Never remembers my name."
Yeah, so you're saying, basically, it's affection?
MICHAEL: Basically, more relaxed cows, more loved cows
produce more milk, because they're more relaxed.
SETH: Oh. So if you love on a cow, it'll give back.
MICHAEL: I'm not exactly saying that.
I'm not exactly saying that.
TOM: Right.
That would kind of make sense, right?
'Cause like plants,
like if you talk to your plants, they grow more.
MICHAEL: Mm-hmm. TOM: If you, uh...
SETH: Talk to your kids, they grow more.
TOM: Yeah.
MICHAEL: That's what I haven't been doing!
Agh, that's embarrassing.
TOM: That makes a lot of sense.
Because we didn't name our third kid, and...
SETH: Doesn't give you a lot of milk.
TOM: Not doing so well.
Not doing so well.
MICHAEL: Alright, well, folks, prepare to watch
the best fact of the night, courtesy of me.
[mooing]
NARRATOR: Cows.
Lovely, aren't they?
No? Just me?
Fair enough. But we all like a latte in the morning, right?
Well, for that, we owe cows some thanks.
Maybe we could treat them a little more like equals
by giving them names.
But is it true that cows with names will produce more milk?
CATHERINE DOUGLAS: Cows are intelligent animals.
And just as humans respond better to the personal touch,
so do cows.
And improving the human-animal relationship on that farm
will lead to happier cows, less stressed cows,
which will be better behaved and produce more milk.
NARRATOR: I find that udder-ly fantastic.
So let's put it to the test.
To do this, we'll need two separate dairy herds.
First up is farmer Mark Bellingham.
MARK BELLINGHAM: I've got 89 milking cows,
they're all individuals, all have a personality,
and I know every one by name.
NARRATOR: There's Baby, Penny, Nora, Dazzle, ***.
Oh, such lovely names.
At least there's no Blue Ivy or North West in the bunch.
Anyway, at our second farm, it's a different story.
MARK TAYLOR: None of my cows have names.
They're cows, not people.
NARRATOR: Meet Mark Taylor, and his herd of nameless cows.
There's 820, 118, 37, 821, 123.
You get the picture.
Here's how the test works:
We'll take 50 cows from each herd
and compare the milk yields from one morning's milking.
[mooing]
If the theory is correct,
the yield of the named cows will be bigger.
But just to make sure this is fair,
we needed an independent judge.
BRIAN POCKNEY: I'm Brian Pockney,
and I'm the milk adjudicator.
NARRATOR: Milk adjudicator?
Is that a real job?
Okay, time to find out if naming your cow
actually does make a difference.
Let the milking begin.
Brian is collecting results from both herds.
But which herd will triumph?
The cows with names?
MARK: That's Nora!
BRIAN: Nora.
NARRATOR: Or those without?
I was just wondering,
are there any other factors at play as well?
Not just naming your cows?
CATHERINE: There are other factors at play as well,
not just naming your cows.
NARRATOR: I knew it!
It's more complicated than we think.
CATHERINE: A lot of farmers believe that their cows
are more relaxed and produce more milk listening to music.
[rock music playing]
NARRATOR: Now we know all the factors
that could increase milk production.
And with our cows milked, it's time to announce the results.
The cows from the herd with no names produced 158.98 gallons.
But the named cows creamed their unnamed bovine buddies,
producing 164.63 gallons.
There you have it.
Success.
Cows with names typically produce
an extra liter of milk a day.
We did it! A decisive win!
[applause]
MICHAEL: I mean, that's a great fact!
That's a very interesting, kind of heartwarming fact.
And I want to tell you guys something.
It is fine to name cows.
It is not cool to call cows names.
Don't bully cows, you guys.
Cow tipping, none of that.
SETH: Would it work with pigs?
If you named a pig, would it give you more bacon?
MICHAEL: Yes.
SETH: Oh, interesting.
I'm going to name my pig now.
TOM: It seems like a nice idea, but like if you...
If I'm the guy running the farm, I name all these cows,
I go inside, get some coffee, come back out,
they've all kind of moved around, how do I know who's who?
SETH: What, you're saying all cows look the same?
You're kind of cow-ist.
TOM: Well, can you tell them apart?
SETH: Yeah! By their name tags.
TOM: Oh, so in your farm
you're making little name tags for them.
SETH: Yeah, it says, "Hello, my name is Bessie."
[laughter]
TOM: Bessie's gonna love this.
SETH: Yeah, and she does.
TOM: Now is the time for the audience to vote.
But first, let's re-cap this week's awesome demonstrations
of scientific fact.
SETH: If you put these three balls together
on top of each other and bounce them,
the top ball, the smallest ball, will rocket into space!
ALL: Yeah!
MICHAEL: The color red actually makes women
more attractive to men.
Cows with names produce more milk
than cows that don't have names.
TOM: It is possible for a human encased in bubble wrap
to survive a 13-foot drop.
Alright, the votes have been tallied,
and this week's winner of the Golden Quack is...
Me!
Finally!
Finally.
I take home the Golden Quack for my fact
that a human wrapped in bubble wrap can survive a 13-foot drop.
We'll see you next time on Duck Quacks Don't Echo!
Earlier today,
Seth here helped us prove a fascinating fact.
SETH: I did?
TOM: Take a look at this video.
Seth was kind enough to babysit
my Aunt Gloria's five cats.
SETH: Yes, and you're welcome.
But what did that prove?
TOM: Actually, what you proved is that cat urine
glows under UV light.
SETH: What are you talking about? How did I prove that?
Yuck!
I'm covered in urine!
Bucket list!
[cheering]