Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
- Yam! Yom! Yom!
- Stop. Stop it.
- Yah! Huh! Yum! Yum! Yum!
- Pam!
Yum-yum-yum!
Yum-yum-yum! Gimme! Gimme!
Yum-yum! Gimme!
- *** it, will you
- calm the *** down?!
- Wow.
Well?!
This isn't good practice.
My baby's not gonna be
a coke addict!
- Wow.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- What would you like to call it?
- Mm, *** enthusiast?
Is it too late
to not have it?
Yes! For the jillionth
time, I want this baby, so...
Well, sure, now.
Wait until you're waist-deep in
dirty diapers, or he's up with
the croup and there's no bourbon
in the house.
Ugh!
Then fast-forward to him
knocking up the au pair,
flunking out of college, and
then singlehandedly bankrupting
your drug cartel!
- Wait-- college?
- Yeah, right?
- My point is...
- All babies should
- be drowned?
- Not all babies.
- Just baby people.
- Don't you have a...
- tractor pull to headline?
- Yes.
- No!
- Aw...
No more of that
bush-league nonsense.
We're getting Cherlene
a record deal.
- Sterling can't screw that up.
- Look, I think maybe
Archer's just been trying
too hard.
- Ha!
- I'm serious. I mean,
as sad as it is, deep down, he
just wants your approval, and
lately you've been putting so
much pressure on him.
Well?
How hard is it to sell 2,000
measly pounds of ***?!
Or whatever we're down to now,
1,900 and... What?!
Pam! You damn coke fiend!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Malory, stop!
- I mean, did you used
- to be a man?
- Pam?
- I don't know. Did you?
- Have you been
- stealing coke?
- Wha...? No!
You think, if I had 100 pounds
of coke, I'd be sitting here
playing choo-choo-spoon with
a tranny?
Oh, for the...!
I'm pregnant!
It said, baffling
medical science.
- Ow!
- Enough! But, Pam,
I swear to God, if I find out
you're lying to me...
- I'm not! About this!
- Well, then where the
- hell did it go?!
- Oh, you were serious?
- Yes!
- No! Stop!
- Gimme!
- Archer, move your...
- Ray!
- Stop it!
Let me do it!
Come on! Just for a minute!
- No!
- *** it!
- What could go wrong?!
- Uh, you could
crash it!
Just like you crashed
- the damn space shuttle!
- Oh, my
God, right?
Remember that?
Ray, you remember?
You got paralyzed?
How do you not remember that?
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Oh, my God, Cyril,
for the... We're not just
waltzing into Colombia with
100 pounds of ***.
We're sneaking in
under the radar.
Literally and
figuratively.
- I...
- Is there a name
for that when it's both?
Like in French or something?
I meant
once we get there!
Your plan is to just ask
around for...?
La Madrina, yes,
the Godmother.
- I know what it means.
- I hate I took Latin.
Maybe someday you'll
meet a mummy.
But what do you think
is gonna happen when three
gringos waltz in and start
asking around for the woman
- who runs the entire Cali cartel?
- Well, again, Cyril,
- we won't actually be waltz...
- You know what I mean!
I also know what
I'm doing!
Yeah, showing mommy
who's a big boy.
What?!
Oh, you want to see who's
a big boy?
Archer!
- Take it back!
- Cyril, help!
Uh, uh...
Oh.
Ow!
Ow!
I don't know where Archer is!
Then find him,
you bearded buffoon!
Use the... the surveillance
satellite.
Oh, you were
serious?
- Wha...?!
- Don't ask her that.
- She hates it.
- ISIS had satellites.
The whatever we are, Gang Who
Couldn't Sell Coke Straight,
- doesn't even have cable.
- But what about
- all these?
- They're all aimed
- inside the house.
- Well, what the hell
- good is that for?!
- Eh, I'm making
about two grand a month
on the Gilfcam.
- Ew!
- The what cam?
"What is your..."
Hmm.
Dear Gilf Hound 69...
Jesus Christ.
Thanks for the concussion,
dicks.
Well?
Oh, and just so
you know, that's exactly how
- Len Koenecke died.
- Who?
"Who." Typical.
*** it, will you
slow the *** down?!
I'm sorry, was there
a question?
Because nobody made
you two come here.
I didn't put a gun
to your heads.
I mean, not literally
to your heads.
So, if you'll hide your vaginas,
it's time to gather some intel.
Intel?
No, do not compare what we
- do now to intelligence work.
- Don't worry, I won't!
Because selling *** to
*** dealers doesn't really
compare to helping overthrow
democratically elected
governments!
Like the U.S. did in Guatemala,
Chile, Nicaragua, uh...
Oh! Iran?!
Because-- spoiler alert-- those
didn't really work out so great!
But that's okay, because I'm
pinning my hopes for the
future on the next big shipment
of Stinger missiles to that
ragtag bunch of Mujahideen
heroes in Afghanistan!
I... Wow, it seems
like you've actually given this
- some thought.
- Plus, I mean, it's not
like we're selling ***
to little kids.
And ISIS did do a lot
of bad stuff.
We blew up an
oil pipeline.
Not to mention a bunch
of people, which, compared to
that, this is kind of a
victimless crime.
If it even is a crime.
I mean, is it?
He said, sucking at
being a lawyer.
I'm actually an
excellent lawyer.
And I'm excellent in
the field, so...
Maybe at ISIS.
But on ISIS missions, you had
big dossiers with all the
information you could
- possibly need.
- Yeah, but I never
read them.
What's up, pendejos?
- Ay, mierda.
- Oh, *** Latin.
I just feel like such a tourist.
Colombia?
What are they doing in Colombia?
- I...
- And how did you know
where they were?
I thought you couldn't
- track them.
- Ray posted a
Snacklesnap.
It's where you take artsy photos
of your food and share it with
people.
Snacklesnamps is
awesome.
Look, here's some ***
puddin; here's some more
*** puddin.
Ooh, *** puddin.
Why would anyone want
a picture of someone else's
- food?
- Well, no, they
- don't.
- Yeah, everybody hates
- it.
- ♪ Mmm,
Snacklesnaaamps...! ♪
But why take ***
- to Colombia?
- I assume as a sample?
To show some cartel boss that
our product is high-quality and
- already in the States?
- Saving them the
transport cost.
But those three waltzing around
Colombia with millions of
dollars of ***?!
My God, they could already be
dead!
Oh, Malory, come on.
This is Archer, okay?
- He can take care of himself.
- Yeah, and I doubt
- they were actually waltzing.
- I'm sure they're
- totally fine.
- Archer!
Woooohoohoohoooo!!
Here's to you, Hal Needham.
Man, why bother with coke?
I just made 100,000 pesos for
- jumping through a stupid window.
- Yeah, that's about
- $50.
- Still, though.
¿Dijiste cocaína?
¿La quieres?
No, gracias.
Yo tengo mucha cocaína.
Por lo tanto,
buscamos a La Madrina.
Hijo de puta.
You look for the
Godmother?
Yes, for a very
lucrative business proposition.
- Do you know her or...
- No, but I can
make a phone call, and someone
will come.
Until then, just keep drinking
your guaro, huh?
About 15 steps ahead
of you.
Pinche ***.
Hmm, see what
I did there?
Uh, overdosed on
liquid snake?
Made a connection,
Cyril.
I gained his trust.
Oh, my God.
Although, now that you mention
it...
I think I actually may
have...
- God.
- Snake poisoning.
Damn it, Archer,
I told you.
What's that?
I can't hear you over the sound
- of I have snake poisoning.
- Moveri!
Placet moveri, iudices.
Well, it's your own
- fault. What the...
- What're you...
Shh! Shut up.
I think I heard a troop truck
pull up out front.
¡No se muevan!
¿Dónde están?
It's the army.
***.
It's not the army.
We're not that lucky.
They're paramilitarios.
But what do they...
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Waiting for you.
And to be honest, having second
thoughts about it.
Serious ***, come on.
¡Abre la puerta!
- Okay, Ray...
- Ow.
Who are these
paramilitarios?
Either heroic
vigilantes trying to restore law
and order because the cops can't
or won't...
Well, that doesn't
sound too bad.
...or right-wing
terrorists with a *** for
- kidnapping and ***.
- That does.
Moot point, though,
really, if you're an American
down here selling ***.
I can't believe that guy ratted
- us out.
- Yeah, and after you
- made a connection.
- Now, really?
- Well...
- Shut up.
Ray, hug the shadows, get to
the Land Cruiser and be ready.
Don't turn it on.
Do not touch the brake pedal.
Cyril, I'm gonna take out the
guard; you're gonna take the
- truck's distributor cap, got it?
- Uh...
¡Se fueron!
Ay. ¿Qué tiene
adentro, hebillas?
Okay, go, go, go, go,
go.
- But...
- Look, I realize this
is somewhat my fault, Cyril.
We can talk about it later.
So, funny story.
So, hey.
Sorry in advance for this.
Cyril, did you get it?
- Yes!
- Then come on!
Hit it!
- Cyril!
- I'm coming as fast as
- I can!
- Guys, we really need
to talk about getting "phrasing"
back in the rotation.
Woooohoohoohoooo!!
Hammer down!
Oh, I'm sorry, Ray.
By "hammer," I meant
- "accelerator."
- It's floored, and it's
- overheating.
- Well, then stop, you
- idiot.
- I am not the idiot who
packed the engine compartment
full of ***.
Oh, right.
Uh, we should get that out.
Good idea, that will
give us something to do while we
sit here and wait for those guys
to drive up and *** us.
Ray, they're not
driving anywhere without a
distributor cap, so...
Cyril, may I see the
distributor cap?
Whew, man, Cyril, you had me
worried.
I-I did?
- Yeah, see, I always
worried I would die without
knowing how it felt to get my
throat slashed and my tongue yanked
out through the gaping hole.
Are we seriously done with
"phrasing"?
I mean, not right then
necessarily, although "tongue"
and "gaping hole" are kind of
begging for it.
Gaping hole.
Begging for it.
Eh...
- Drop your weapon!
- Drop your weapons.
- ¿Qué?
- Archer!
Are you crazy?
They'll kill us.
Will you shut up?
I know what I'm doing, Cyril.
It's all about machismo.
Last chance!
- Okay, uno, dos...
- ¡No dispare!
- ¡No dispare!
- What in the...
I told you, all about
the machismo.
- Archer?
- ¿Quien es más macho?
- Archer?
- Sí, Ramon, Archer
- es más...
- Archer!
What?!
Oh.
Well, is that the
army?
I don't think so.
One guy's wearing a T-shirt from
- a Phi Mu Fun Run.
- We called them Phi Moo.
Well, then who the
hell is it?
Soy La Madrina.
And I think you have been
- looking for me, no?
- Only my whole life.
- *** it.
- ¡Oye, tanto!
- ¿Qué miras?!
- ¡Vámonos!
- ¡Vámonos!
- And you, guapo,
- you follow me.
- Oh, yeah, uh, about
- that...
- So, I have a question.
Since we're now essentially
captives of the Cali cartel,
and being dragged off to God
knows what terrible fate...
- Why the hell are you smiling?!
A-- we're not their
captives; we're about to be
their business partners.
B-- I bet there's a pretty
decent chance La Madrina owns
a tiger.
And C-- "guapo" means
"handsome."
It's your mother.
Wha...?
Give me that.
"Putting pressure
on him."
If anything, I've been too lax,
but please, let me benefit from
your vast experience as
a mother and...
- Hey!
- Hello, Ray?
- Put Sterling on the...
- Hey, damn it, Archer!
- Give it h...
- Give... Ray, give
- it... Ray, give it.
- I'm serious.
I'm serious, Archer,
cut it out.
Damn it, give it
here.
Sterling?
The mailbox of...
...is full.
Good-bye.
If you're satisfied
with your voice mail greeting,
press one.
- How did you...?
- You remember that day
I took your falafel, and you
were chasing me all around the
- living room in your wheelchair?
- Yes.
Yeah, so I recorded
that, added some sound effects,
mixed it, called my phone and
left it as a message, stole your
phone, got into the voice mail
settings, called your phone from
a landline and played the
message from my phone, then put
your phone back.
Which I think is why it sounds
a little compressed, but
whatever.
- The...
- Shut up, we're here.
And remember, I got dibs on the
tiger.
Well, I have to
admit, Mr. Archer, your proposal
- is very... surprising.
- Not as surprising as
somebody named The Godmother
looking like you.
Really.
- And what were you expecting?
- I guess like a
- Mexican Mrs. Garrett?
- ¿Qué?
Or Colombian, or
whatever, I...
You talk almost
too much.
But you have aroused my
- curiosity.
- Just your curiosity?
No.
But first, business, then
pleasure, eh?
- Wha...
- Javier!
- Sí, Madrina.
- Pruébalo, por
favor.
If it is as pure as you say,
and you have as much
as you say...
Oh, my God, we've
got something like 900,000
- kilos.
- Eh, ¿cuanto?
Wait, no, that's
grams, so...
- So, 900 kilos.
- I... however many are
- in a ***-ton.
- Permiso, Madrina.
- Noventa y seis por ciento puro.
- ¡Vaya!
- A toast, then, to new friends.
- Just friends?
No.
So, shall we have sex?
Oh, man...
How is it noon?
- And where the heck is Archer?
- I assume bothering a
- tiger.
- Oh, God.
Please, no más.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, are you sure?
- I was sure, like,
three hours ago.
And back then, I could still
- feel my legs.
- Are you sure you
cannot make love to me just once
more?
Not without a blood
transfusion, no.
Very well.
- Ow!
- Which is why you don't
- bother tigers.
- Then you may call
me Coronel Ana Maria Delgado
de la Policía Nacional.
- What?!
- Sí, mi amor.
I am-- how you say?--
deep cover.
Wait, no!
- No, no, no, no, no!
- At least let me take
- some churros!
- Malditos gringos.
As if American demand for
cocaína wasn't already
destroying us, now you even try
to smuggle it into my country?
- You make me sick!
- Then why'd you have
- sex with me?
- Por qué?
Eres guapo.
A La Culebra!
So, I get that you're
mad, but they are in pretty
dangerous territory, and Ray
always answers his phone in
the field, so I'm...
- actually worried.
- Well, if you're so
worried, why don't you go down
there and rescue him?
- I...
- Please?
Go find my son and
bring him home to me.
And I didn't even
get to meet her tiger.
If she even had a tiger.
Plus, at this rate, we're gonna
- run out of coke, huh?
- Now, there's a moot
- point.
- Since we're being
trucked off to La Culebra, the
most notorious prison in South
- America.
- Pff, notorious.
Cyril, please, I was in the
Lubyanka.
Well, were you sent
there by an undercover cop who
knows she'll be murdered if
anyone finds out she's La
- Madrina?
- No, idiot, I was...
Oh.
Yeah, so how long do
do you think we're gonna last
- in prison?
- Hmm.
If we even make it to prison!
Am I right, fellas?
Fellas, am I right?
Guys, if we get out of this,
the first thing I'm gonna do,
- I swear to God...
- If you say "buy a
tiger," we will beat you to
death with your own shoes.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com