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You shouldn't worry about being like everyone else
the idea is precisely to be different
Everyone looks at the opposite sex in a different way
and suddently you don't feel anything special
clearly something is different
It's something very difficult to understand
"I don't like boys"
"Stories we wish we had been told before"
This didn't happen at a certain age
I think I've always been aware of it
At a certain point I've realized I was like this
My childhood memories start with this feeling
Even before feeling aroused I felt I was different
I wouldn't get into play-fighting, wouldn't play football
I wasn't your typical boy
I wouldn't play football but played basketball
so the sport issue was solved
So I ended up not letting it show
not even to me
I played with dolls, just like I should
But my Barbies dated each other
I dind't like playing with Ken. It's true
Men like "Roky Balboa" always fascinated me
his movies were always very fascinating
and I did play with dolls...
I was attracted to comix super heroes, to TV heroes
these types of characters
but I didn't really know what that meant
I've always played with dolls and was friends with other girls
I never excluded myself for feeling different
I never had problems dealing with that
It was a strange feeling, but it didn't make me feel bad
I've always been a "gay cliche" child
As a child I though: "Why can't I live like a woman?"
even being born, let's say, a boy
I started noticing it when I observed men
when I felt a little bit of the masculine sensuality
I said: "Hey, I'm finding this girl way too pretty!"
then I told a friend "You know, I think I am attracted to a girl"
I used to look and exclaim: "Wow, what a beautiful man!"
but it wasn't really a *** thing yet
I never desired my friends in school
I wasn't aware of this desire
I felt excited, but I didn't know exactly what it was
I used to go to a boy-only school
so I started to fancy the boys in my class
I became their best friend, even without playing football
without fitting their stereotype
I wanted to seduce those guys
If that was all I could get, their friendship
that's what I went after, for all of them
I always thought that the most natural in life
was to marry and have kids
but that's not the way things turned out
When I figured out I wasn't going to be able to escape
it became really complicated
because that's when I really felt like escaping
If it turns out that I become gay
I will want to die with it
I may not have a girlfriend
but I certainly won't have a boyfriend either
I will never give this dissatisfaction to my parents
Then I started the hardest battle I've ever fought against something
"No, I am not that, I don't want it"
"If I wish it really hard it won't happen"
I was afraid of being judged by God as well
and by my mom and my dad
You learn from an early age that being homosexual
Is one of the worst things that can happen
if your schoolmates call you names
the first name they will pick is "***", "gay boy" or something
so you go on internalizing that through the years
and that becomes the most absurdly negative thing
that could ever happen to you
when you realize it will start to happen, it's scary
Because the reference I had of being gay
is not what I am today, not what my friend are
what I see as "being gay" these days
it was still extremely stereotypical
I didn't want to be like such and such
I didn't want to have this or that mannerism
even though I knew I was gay
My mind was full of some pretty strong stereotypes
but it never dawned on me that
that was what it meant to be gay
Imagine back in 1988
in a small 25.000 people town
you have no references, no friends
there's no one you can relate to
And in that lack of role models, of references
you end up loosing faith
it took me a long time to believe
Of course there are stereotypes
But people are completely different
I was afraid of getting closer to any of these people
I hated Cassia Eller (gay singer)
she reminded me of the things I imagined
it was hard, you know?
I also started to have gay friends
and saw how well they felt and lived
I needed to see examples of well adjusted people
to know what could happen
"If he can be gay, so can I, because he's just like me"
"he likes the same things, dresses the same way"
"we do the same things, have the same friends"
so that's the way for me
I remember when a guy came to me and said:
"This is just a phase, it will pass..."
that was extremely comforting to me
someone was giving me a clue
Then I started to notice how different I was
When they started to show it to me
other boys showed me I was not like them
it bothered them immensely more
than it bothered me
I already knew I was not at all like them in so many ways
liking boys was just one of them
Every day I went to school I knew it would be
a psychological torture
every day people would look at me and make comments
and call me names and every day I went through that
there was no one to talk to
I spent a lot of time alone
running away from being bullied in school
and to avoid embarrassment not only to myself
but also to those around me
I ran away
In fact I remained pretty isolated
I dind't hang out with girls
since we didn't do the same things
neither did I hang out with boys
because I wasn't really a boy
I always saw myself as a girl, since I was little
but very quickly understood
that was not how things worked
I was very afraid of what could happen
I wish someone had come to me and said:
"It's ok Andre, it will be all right"
"you can choose whatever you like"
there's no problem living a life outside the model
your father implemented
I didn't want to hide this part of my life from anyone
so I told everyone, starting with my family
no matter the consequences
I took longer than I wanted to tell my parents due to my environment
in fact, I was especially scared of my dad's acceptance
my fears were personified in him
much later I came to see how unfair I was
because when he found out it was just fine
at the time my biggest fear was my dad's friends
I thought I would get a lot of trouble in my family
that they would stop loving me
My mom asked me and I told her I was a lesbian
and all hell broke loose
My mom cried for 4 months straight
All she did was look at me and cry
I had to tell them where I was going, who I was with
what time I would be back. It was just too dramatic
getting out of the house because they knew I was gay
"You are not the same, you've changed..."
"I want to see your school report!" Then I understood...
everything I had accomplished meant nothing any longer
I said: "Mom, is it because I am gay?"
Parents always know, there's no way to hide it
It came to a point where, before I was 26
my mom said:
"You have a problem and you're not teeling me"
"I am your mother and I want to know"
By sheer pressure I ended up telling
And one day she came to me and said:
"I feel like you have something to tell me"
"I even know what it is"
"but it's important that you tell me in your own words"
I said: "What a great mom!"
"Yes mom, I am gay!" BOOM! She fainted.
I've always meant to tell my mom
at some point one must tell their parents
but each one knows their right timing
and mine hadn't come yet
I never thought: "Oh, I must tell them!"
Things were pretty easy at home
I couldn't have guessed that it would be good to tell
I felt blessed enough that no one knew back then
Than I started to date. I dated a girl for one year
we lived together for 3, 4 months until I said:
"Mom, I've tried for the last time"
I will now live my life as I want
The day I told my grandma that I was gay
that I lived with Elias
her biggest fear was that I would be assaulted on the streets
that I would be mistreated
I never hid from my family
I believe that when you hide
you help spread the prejudice
because you treat it as an unnatural thing
I told her: "Mom, I am a woman"
she asked me if I was going to hustle
if I was going to do what trannies do...
I wasn't mature enough to explain to my mom the difference
I wasn't really a tranny, I was a transexual
I couldn't really understand it myself
She thought that "this world" would bring into my life
drugs, parties, staying up all night, you know
They through that I would "derail"
My mom found out when my boyfriend called her
she then called me and said:
"Listen, I already knew, because a mother is never mistaken"
"I've talked to your dad and he also knew"
"nothing will change between us"
"our relationship will remain the same"
My mom was very clear, she said:
"My only worry is your education"
"your work, that you be an honest man"
"if you marry a man or a woman is up to you"
"you'll figure it out"
I'm still their daughter, someone they love
but I am a lesbian, that's all
My dad responded in the most amazing way
he told me that he loved me, that he didn't need any of that
and till this day nothing has changed
he's been an incredible person
From the moment I understood what was happening
I told everyone around me
it was like lifting a heavy load off my back
I used to hide out, trying to cover up
going out with girls, until I decided to stop
before that, I could hide behind my doubts
the minute I had no more doubts, I just told everyone
Let's cut the crap: I am a ***, I am gay. I am not bissexual
I like women, I'm not against them, but I prefer men
When I started to face the issue and told my mom
she realized I was finally being happy
the way I should have been back in school
I was finally facing it all head on
If someone asks me: "What's your girlfriend's name?"
I will say: "Gabriel"
Relationships are something you end up building
and understanding overtime
I am gay, everyone knows
but how is it to live with another man?
I've been in a relationship for 12 years
All of our friends, clients and family know about us
My life is perfectly normal
I work, he works, people know us, our doorman...
everyone knows us, we live a normal life, just like a straight couple
there's no big difference
We'll be together for 5 years in February
we are partners, we are accomplices...
we support each other
We're really your average couple
we are always together, we are a modern couple
nothing really different
even I feel surprised sometimes
I used to be afraid I would never have
a relationship like this, but now I have it
I don't think we are extra sensitive or refined...
it's all nonsense, we are all the same
I think we all carry a bit of an extra load by being gay
You can't carry the "I am gay" load, that problem...
don't confront it like a problem, you know?
don't confront it at all!
It's just a natural thing, and that's that
Nothing really turns out as bad as you anticipate
you will have problems, go through some difficulties
but you always end up anticipating
a much worse scenario than it turns out
It may seem difficult it may seem impossible
but there's always a way out
it may take a while or it may come right away
you may have to face the world
Not being ashamed of who you are changes everything in life
and when you come clean, you become yourself
life becomes a lot better
What must I do in life to feel better?
That's what I do
Because I accept myself the way that I am. I am gay
not ashamed of saying it, it's no longer a problem for me
today I know how to behave and I know what makes me feel good
and I am completely happy this way
the real problem lied in them
who just didn't like the way I was
I think that's just terrible, you know?
We end up becoming "the gay"
"Poor them, their mother won't approve"
"Poor them, they have problems with the family"
and that's just not it
I have my house, my bills to pay
maybe being gay, today, is the least of my problems
It's curious that after you come clean to yourself
everything becomes easier
you're out to people from work, school, family
if someone doesn't like it, it's their problem
you already did the most important part
it's not better nor worse than having brown hair, straight hair
it's a characteristic, that's all
After you go through these difficult times of not knowing what to do
you look back and realize it was all worth it
I didn't know why I couldn't attain happiness
I only did after I started going out with other women
Things start becoming clearer with time, you meet role models
you understand those who discriminate and have prejudices
Know the people around you
don't underestimate the love they have for you
If today you are incapable of loving yourself
look around you and see all the people
who love you and want to see you happy
My way of living doesn't interfere with anyone's
If people look at me and feel bothered
by the way I walk or any possible mannerisms
I would appreciate if they came talk to me
I'd love to let them know my views on a life well lived
we should worry much more about doing good in the world
and being happy
than following certain religious or social precepts
that's just nonesense