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When couples are still together they find it easy to say what the hot spots are in their relationship.
They’re usually the issues they disagree about most often!
Underneath these issues lie feelings, sometimes uncomfortable feelings,
which influence how the couple behaves in a negative way.
These are the “hidden issues” of the relationship
When your couple relationship ends it can be easy to think you no longer…
have to take any issues between you and your ex partner into account.
But good co-parenting involves still having to think about issues and deeper feelings.
Some of these will be old hot spots from when you were a couple,
others will be common issues faced by most separated couples trying to work out a new parenting relationship.
This separated couple have issues about contact arrangements.
They often have arguments when he asks for extra unplanned time with the children.
She feels that it’s disruptive to her and the children’s routines.
She can’t understand why his time with them at weekends and holidays isn’t enough.
She feels she has to stand firm on this issue or she’ll lose control of her life.
He has an issue about something much deeper than the contact arrangements....
He is terrified of losing the bond he has with his children and that he’s becoming a ‘second class parent’.
He feels he must fight for as much time with the children as possible to keep involved and to be an ‘equal parent’.
The more she says no to his requests, the more convinced he is that he’s being sidelined and the angrier he gets.
She’s upset that he doesn’t appreciate the effort she makes to support his relationship with the children
and that he doesn’t trust her on this.
She knows how much the children mean to him.
The issue he thinks needs fixing is the contact arrangements...
Once they both understand the hidden issues, they will be better able to work through their problems.
Admitting what they’re both really worried about can be hard and they may need support to do this,
but over time, if they can both try and understand there are still hidden issues between them,
they’ll be better able to work through their problems
and focus on what is best for the children