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Previously on
Accidentally On Purpose:
I'm just not a one-night
stand kind of person.
I just never d
things like this.
Your first pregnancy test.
That's adorable.
Yay!
No!
I think you should stay with me.
I don't want
to complicate your life.
Why stop now?
I miss you.
You should miss me.
I'm fantastic.
Remember our whole
boundaries conversation?
Yeah, but when you said,
don't touch my stuff,
I thought you mean like,
your soy milk and your computer.
No, I meant
don't touch my stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, that is genius.
Yeah.
Morning.
Morning.
Ooh.
And good morning to you,
and good morning to you.
I see you've noticed my
recent pregnancy lift
from the *** fairy.
That's such a better job
than being the tooth fairy.
Davis.
Dude, huh?
yes, it's okay.
I mean, suddenly,
I'm stacked.
I can put money
in there now.
I can even do
the lipstick thing
from Grease.
Watch.
See?
I did not know
the Greeks did that.
That was hot.
Dude, I can't believe
you're not trying harder
to tap that.
Well, dude, I would, but she's
got this whole golden rule thing
about how having sex will
complicate the relationship,
and blah, blah, blah.
And that was bad enough,
and then this started happening.
Now it's just
*bow, chicka, bow, bow
* Chicka, chicka
BOTH:
* Bow, chicka, bow wow.
It's like having a toy
you can't play with.
But, dude, you do have a toy
you can play with.
Just take more trips downtown
on the alone train.
Ha an all-by-yourself party.
Be a one-man band.
So, the pregnancy books
tell you all kinds of stuff
to expect in the first trimester.
You know, nausea,
heartburn, bloaty gas.
Oh, is that a baby growing
inside you, or a burrito?
What they never mention is
that in the second trimester,
it all gets replaced
by sexy, hot feelings,
and one's ***s becoming so delicious.
Oh, yes,
you do have a massive amount
of junk in your trunk.
(singsongy): My ***
is delicious.
My ***
is delicious.
Delicious.
Brian.
What are you doing here?
Oh, a rumor
at the D.
C.
news desk says
there's a milkshake bringing
all the boys to the yard.
(laughs)
Wow.
I mean, just, wow.
I haven't seen you in a while.
I read your piece
on Afghanistan.
I didn't know it got cold there.
I thought it
In my mind, it's just
hot, hot, hot all the time.
No, that's you.
Or maybe me.
No
(laughs)
So Billie, I'd-I'd love
to catch up with y some time.
What are you
doing later?
Brian!
James.
Hey, if you're done talking
to my girl there,
You want to grab a bite?
Uh, sure.
You can
tell me all about
the decline
of the newspaper business
for my Sunday column.
Absolutely.
I love discussing
the death of my livelihood
and printing it
in my own paper.
Did you see that?
There I was being
flirted with by a handsome,
married man who's kind
my imaginary boyfriend,
and James totally
*** blocked me.
You look
great.
Oh.
Is that a
new outfit?
Yes.
My proportions
are shifting slightly,
and they require
new fabulousness.
Then can I borrow that
black strapless dress
you got in Paris while
you're too sexy to wear it?
(clicks tongue)
No.
It's the nicest thing I own.
But you couldn't squeeze
those melons in there
without causing
considerable unaboob.
Why can't you just
let me brow it?!
You know why.
But my company is hosting a charity event.
No.
You spill things.
You're a spiller.
You've been spilling things
ever since
you got Yoo-hoo on my tutu
at our recital.
I was six.
Oh, my God, are you
ever gonna let that go?
No.
I don't know if it has something
to do with your inner ear,
or the tides.
You even cause chain spilling.
(woman screams and gasps)
But my event!
No!
Fine.
Oh.
Bloody hell!
I am almost 100% positive that
we just had a tiny earthquake.
Did I tell you,
Brian is in town,
and he was flirting with me?
Ooh, isn't he your married
imaginary boyfriend?
Yes, and it was
especially difficult
because my pregnancy hormones
have kicked in, and
I don't know any other way
to put this,
but I have happy feelings
in my downstairs area.
MAN:
Soy chai latte
and cappuccino.
That's us.
And the croissant is on me.
(quietly):
And that keeps happening.
Guys are flirting with me
left and right,
and they don't know
that this and this
is because of this.
Oh, why don't you
just sleep with Zack?
Or marry him
and then sleep with him.
I can't sleep with Zack.
It'll complicate
our relationship,
and blah, blah, blah
Which is really too bad,
'cause I got to tell you,
the ***
that would come from this
I think would put me
a hospital.
You know how hot Billie
has been looking lately?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, after
she left for work,
I wanted to buy a ticket
to ride the alone train,
so I went into
her bathroom,
and I grabbed a
bottle of lotion,
but instead of lotion,
I grabbed sunless tanner.
So pretty much
the same deal with your, um
Yeah.
And the other place, too,
I imagine?
What other place?
There is no other place.
I was just testing you.
Oh.
(both laugh)
Popcorn?
Yes, please.
ah.
Can you excuse me a minute?
Yeah.
(clears throat)
Gonna make a phone call.
Oh, my God,
hot popcorn.
(phone rings)
Olivia, I'm thinking
of sleeping with Zack.
My brain says it's a bad idea,
but it's being outvoted
by every other cell in my body.
Is sleeping with him right now
desperate or empowering?
Is he passed out?
No.
Empowering.
Yes!
(music plays on TV)
So, you know
our golden rule--
we won't sleep together
no matter what--
we could just forget it.
The rule.
Really?
Yup.
Just for one day.
We just have to swear
to each other that
we won't get emotionally
involved, so I swear.
Okay.
Oh, my.
(laughs)
Uh, I'm, I'm not in a
Um, the golden rule-
it's a good rule.
That is a good rule.
But this is purely medical.
This is a medical condition.
Uh, maybe put a bag
of frozen peas on it
and keep it elevated.
purely recreational sex,
and your response
is frozen produce?
Yes.
I mean, no.
Dude, she was good to go,
and you refused
because your orange junk?
Yeah, yeah.
What if some of the orange,
you know, got on the baby?
Who cares if some of it gets
on your baby?
I mean, worse case scenario--
you get laid,
I checked all
our products.
Sorry.
We
don't have
anything
to remove sunless tanner.
Supposedly,
soaking your skin
in coconut milk
reduces pigmentation
You could try that
on your palm.
Boom! Problem solved.
Now your junk will be
normal color
and smell like vacation.
I took your advice
and tried to seduce Zack,
and he turned me down.
What?!
Oh, impossible.
No, it was so uncomfortable,
I felt like a total idiot.
Oh.
I would just like to bring
up a procedural pot.
You didn't call me
before you tried to seduce him
because you know that I think
you should have
a real relationship with him.
But you didn't want
to hear that, so
you called the bad idea lady.
I'm your sister.
I would have given you
good advice,
and you would have been
so grateful,
you would have given me
that dress.
Abby, we have bigger problems
than dresses right now.
I don't.
I just have
the dress problem.
Enough with the dress.
She needs to find a man.
Uh, we need to widen
the search.
Oh, wait.
The oracle speaks.
Who should Billie
sleep with? Who?
Uh, that guy, a street mime,
animal from the Muppets?
Who, Oracle, who?
Neither of you understands
what's happening here, okay?
I did one foolish thing,
I get pregnant,
and now my punishment is
that I can't have sex
until the baby's born.
Well, a newborn is
an awful lot of work.
Fine.
Two years old.
Well, at two,
they're potty training,
running around everywhere,
ting on furniture.
Five! Five! In five years,
I can have sex.
Five years?
Now that's crazier
than sleeping with a Muppet.
Wow.
Five years.
I can do it.
I kept up that gym membership
for five years.
I was a vegetarian
for five years.
I didn't go to a zoo for five.
Well, that's not much
of an accomplishment.
But this is reality
so, you know.
.
I'm just gonna have to
be celibate for five years.
And in five years,
I'll be 42.
So there's that.
I'll be a 42-year-old who
Hasnt had sex in five years,
who has a child, whose father
is still in his 20s
and has his whole life
ahead of him.
And even then even then
with all my mistakes
piled around me
like the empty pizza boxes
from last night's
depression feast,
even then
I will not give you that dress.
But you'll think about it,
right?
Hi, milkshake.
(laughs softly)
Yeah, yeah, my milkshake
is in the freezer
for five years.
You okay?
JAMES:
Brian!
Balls.
Can you believe how she
gets prettier every day?
She certainly does.
Do you have some sort of
bugging device?
What are you talking about?
You wait until Brian
starts talking to me
and then you pop up
like a zit on prom night.
All right, I'm sorry.
Look, after you and I broke up
when I first found out
that you were pregnant,
I was kind of
looking forward to--
well, there's no polite way
to put this--
but you becoming fat
and unpleasant.
But
what's happening is
you're glowing.
And youre beautiful.
Billie.
That's sweet.
It is, isn't it?
Ooh, I gotta wrap this up.
I got a date.
We good?
(scoffs)
I'll stop touching you.
Join the club.
What?
Have a fun date!
Hey, buddy.
Everything flesh-colored yet?
ZACK:
Yeah, I
ah, I think
the coconut milk's working.
Aren't they gonna notice that
they're missing 60 gallons
of coconut milk
at your restaurant?
Oh, I'm bringing it back.
So, uh, you gonna go
for it with Billie?
Would I be ***-deep
in coconut milk if I wasn't?
Aren't you supposed
to be at work?
Ah, that's the great thing about
being a clerk at Trader Joe's.
I'm helping boss
pick out new beers to sell.
Working from home today.
Coffee?
Oh.
Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had
my cup for the day.
Wow, you are strict.
No, I'm pregnant.
Oh.
James didn't tell me
you guys are pregnant.
It's not his.
(chuckles)
No, we broke up
and then I was all "boo-hoo,"
drink, drink, "you look cute,"
pee on a stick,
blue plus sign, ta-da!
(laughing)
It's been a very full year.
Well, who's the dad?
Ah, you know, he's a great guy.
A great, much younger guy.
He's in my life
but we're not together.
Oh, got that explanation down.
Well, it sounds like
we've got lot to catch up on.
Would you like to meet me
later for dinner at my hotel?
That sounds like something
I'm not supposed to do
with a married man.
I'm divorced.
That's fantastic.
I mean, that must've been
really difficult.
Well, it wasn't great
but I'd get over it
a lot quicker
if you'd meet me
for that dinner.
Really?
Yeah.
How does 8:30 sound?
It sounds good.
See you then for some, "You look good
"So do you,"
"The steak is fantastic,"
Well, that answers that.
I have to admit
I've imagined us on a date for a while.
Would you like some desert?
Always.
You know who makes an amazing
chocolate torte?
Hmm?
Room service.
(giggles)
I just need to powder
a number of items.
Abby?
Yes?
I'm at the Jerome,
I just had dinner with Brian,
and I think
there's a possibility
that he wants to sleep with me.
He knows I'm pregnant
and he's fine with it,
but
but I'm not sure
it's a good idea.
Oh, my God, you're calling me.
Well, yeah.
I mean, you're the
good idea lady, right?
Didn't you want me to?
Yes, but I did not think
that you would.
Well, what do you ink?
Oh, I think, um
that you should do
whatever makes you happy.
to know what to do on your own.
You know in your heart
what's right
and even if you screw up
occasionally,
you are a good person.
Thank you.
You're a good sister.
I know.
(sighs)
Haute couture.
There is no substitute.
Hey, Billie, I'm home!
Abby?
She said it was okay.
She said
she said what was okay?
Nothing.
Okay, do you know
where she went?
Oh, she's gone to, uh,
oh, she's gone to get laid.
With-with who?
Oh, some reporter.
I'm sure he's fancy.
Oh, my God, I'm such a tool.
I blew it.
Oh, my God.
You like her.
This is so romantic.
She's at the Hotel Jerome.
You must go to her.
I can't just go to her and
Yes, you can.
You should go.
She's not even sure she
wants to go through with it.
Go, Zack.
And forget you ever saw me.
Okay, and the dress
or the jewelry, ooh,
ooh, and this bag, this bag.
Go!
(panting)
Billie.
Zack.
(panting)
What are you doing here?
To be honest,
I.
Oh, my
I ran all the way.
I haven't run in a while
And the hotel's
on top of hill.
Who told you I was her
Abby.
Look,
I don't care
if you slept with him.
That's actually not true,
I do care.
Zack
Let me-let me finish, okay?
I really need you to know
that I really wanted
to sleep with you.
Zack
And I Hold on.
I hate
I hate the golden rule.
I don't care
about the golden rule.
The reason I didn't
sleep with you
is
is because I had
orange ***.
Wow.
I was imagining
how you were gonna finish
what you were saying, but orange
*** is not where I was going.
Anyway, I-I just
had to be honest with you
about the situation
with my junk.
So, I'm good to go.
You don't need to sleep
with anybody else.
Unless I'm too late,
in which case,
you look very nice
in that outfit.
Um
I didn't sleep with Brian.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, good night then.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The truth is, um, I like Brian
and I didn't want my hormones
making decisions for me with him
or with you the other night,
which I'm really sorry about.
Do you smell coconut?
I do.
Isn't that weird?
I shouldn't have
come on to you like that.
And
It's just, I'm really
trying to get a handle
on this thing between us.
Which is really hard because
you're so nice and so cute
And you really
smell like coconut.
Am I crazy?
I just want us to go back
to how we were.
Is that cool with you?
Yeah, that's-that's cool.
(chuckles)
We can just totally go back
to the way we were.
But I'd like to assure you
that if you ever get
crazy-pregnant-*** again,
I am still here for you.
It's a deal.
Okay.
Your palm is orange, too?
Oh, you were
Oh!
(laughing)
I need to tell
you something.
No
I need to tell you
something.
Your advice
was such good advice
that you can borrow my dress.
That is so sweet.
But what I need to tell you
is that I already did.
So, thank you.
The good news is that I did
not spill anything on it.
Oh, my God!
But I'm okay and that is
the most important thing.
I love you.