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[MUSIC PLAYING]
GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR,
YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE,
THE WRETCHED REFUSE OF YOUR TEEMING SHORE,
SEND THESE, THE HOMELESS, TEMPEST TOSSED, TO ME.
I LIFT MY LAMP BESIDE THE GOLDEN DOOR.
WHAT KIND OF ***' *** LIBERAL *** *** *** COUNTRY
ARE WE TRYING TO RUN HERE?
WE DON'T WANT TIRED, OR POOR.
AND HOMELESS, TEMPEST TOSSED ***?
ALL IMMIGRANTS DO IS BLOW UP OUR BUILDINGS,
TAKE AWAY OUR JOBS, AND SUCK UP OUR WELFARE.
*** THAT!
Penn: WHAT'S DRIVING THIS IMMIGRATION INSANITY?
WE'RE HEADED TO THE U.S./MEXICO BORDER TO FIND OUT.
UH, CAN YOU EVEN TELL WHICH SIDE IS WHICH?
TONIGHT, WE'LL TALK TO THIS GUY.
HE'S CHRIS SIMCOX, AND HE HEADS THE MINUTEMEN,
THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL ANTI-IMMIGRATION GROUP IN AMERICA.
WE GOT TACOS AND BURRITOS COMING HERE IN A LITTLE BIT.
Penn: WE'LL ALSO VISIT 2 GUYS WHO HAVE OPPOSING VIEWS ON IMMIGRATION.
CAN YOU TELL WHO'S ON OUR SIDE?
YEAH, ME NEITHER.
AND WE'LL GRAB 6 ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS,
PUT THEM IN COLORFUL HATS SO THAT OUR COSTUME LADY FEELS USEFUL,
AND HAVE THEM BUILD A SCALE-MODEL REPLICA
OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S PROPOSED BORDER WALL.
AND THEN WE'LL SURPRISE THEM WITH SOMETHING
THAT MAY GET US HATE MAIL FROM EDWARD JAMES OLMOS.
SO LET'S BEGIN OUR QUEST
BY GOING TO THE DUSTY PLAINS OF THE ARIZONA/MEXICO BORDER.
DAMN IT, I SHOULD NEVER LET TELLER DRIVE.
THIS IS A LAND OF WIDE-OPEN SPACES, MAJESTIC MOUNTAINS,
AND TUMBLEWEED FARMS, OR WHATEVER THE *** THEY GROW HERE.
IT'S ALSO GROUND ZERO OF THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE,
AND IT'S WHERE THE MINUTEMEN DO WHAT THEY FEEL TO BE THEIR CIVIC DUTY.
THE MINUTEMEN ARE A NATIONWIDE, ANTI-IMMIGRATION
CITIZEN'S VIGILANCE OPERATION,
WITH ARMED CIVILIAN BORDER PATROLS
IN ARIZONA, CALIFORNIA, NEW MEXICO AND TEXAS.
THEY'RE ALSO ON THE CANADIAN BORDER
TO PROTECT US FROM HOCKEY PLAYERS AND MOOSE.
CHRIS SIMCOX. I'M HERE IN BISBEE JUNCTION, ARIZONA.
I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE MINUTEMAN CIVIL DEFENSE CORPS.
I SPENT 3 MONTHS AFTER THE ATTACKS OF SEPTEMBER 11
STUDYING THE PROBLEM,
AND I LIVED AND CAMPED ALONG THE BORDER
FROM SAN DIEGO TO, YOU KNOW, THE RIO GRANDE AND THE GULF OF MEXICO.
AND I STARTED HEARING THE STORIES OF THE RANCHERS AND THE LAND OWNERS,
AND THE ABSOLUTE TERROR THAT THEY LIVE IN ALONG THE BORDER.
I DECIDED THAT A WAY I CAN HELP MY COUNTRY
WOULD BE TO BRING ATTENTION TO THE FACT
THAT WE'VE GOT A WIDE-OPEN BORDER.
Penn: I HELP MY COUNTRY BY RECYCLING INK JET CARTRIDGES.
HERE ARE THE MINUTEMEN SETTING UP LIGHTS
SO THEY CAN SPOT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS AT NIGHT.
AND THAT GENERATOR, IT RUNS ON HIGH-GRADE PATRIOTISM.
SO, CHRIS? WHY IS AN UNSECURED BORDER BAD?
Chris: YOU SECURE THE BORDER, YOU STOP THE DRUG DEALERS.
YOU'RE GONNA PROTECT US FROM THE POSSIBILITY
OF TERRORISTS EXPLOITING WIDE-OPEN SPACES LIKE THIS,
JUST SLIPPING INTO THE COUNTRY.
Penn: WE DON'T WANT TO SPOIL THIS PARTY,
BUT THERE'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW, SIX OF YOU GUYS AND YOUR NIGHT LIGHTS,
AND THE BORDER IS 2,000 MILES LONG.
THE BULB LOOKS LIKE IT'S IN THERE RIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED OSAMA BIN LADEN'S NOT ALREADY HERE.
I MEAN, OVER THE LAST-- SINCE SEPTEMBER 11,
YOU'RE AVERAGING 3 MILLION PEOPLE A YEAR
WHO SUCCESSFULLY HAVE ENTERED THIS COUNTRY ILLEGALLY.
Penn: AND THAT'S CHRIS SIMCOX'S REAL CONCERN.
YEAH. HE TALKS ABOUT TERRORISM AND DRUG DEALERS,
BUT IT'S ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS THAT *** HIM OFF.
PEOPLE WHO COME TO THE U.S. TO--
Chris: EXPLOIT A WEAK SOCIETY.
A SOCIETY THAT DOESN'T ENFORCE ITS LAWS,
AND A SOCIETY THAT ALLOWS THEM TO LIVE IN AN UNDERGROUND WORLD
AND TO COMMIT CRIMES.
WE CAN'T TOLERATE THAT ANYMORE.
Penn: WELL, HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
WE SURE DON'T ENFORCE OUR STUPID IMMIGRATION LAWS.
ACCORDING TO THE MOST RECENT GOVERNMENT STATISTICS,
THERE ARE 11 OR 12 MILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
CURRENTLY LIVING IN THE U.S.
THE NUMBER GOES UP BY ABOUT HALF A MILLION EVERY YEAR.
ABOUT 12% OF AMERICANS ARE FOREIGN-BORN,
ALONG WITH 99% OF GOLD GLOVE-WINNING SHORT STOPS.
IN A WHOLE VARIETY OF WAYS,
INTRODUCING LARGE NUMBERS OF IMMIGRANTS INTO A MODERN SOCIETY
JUST DOESN'T WORK IN A WAY THAT 100 YEARS AGO,
OR 200 YEARS AGO, WE WERE ABLE TO COPE WITH.
MARK KRIKORIAN, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR,
CENTER FOR IMMIGRATION STUDIES.
Penn: KRIKORIAN, THAT'S AN ARMENIAN NAME, ISN'T IT?
WHOA, HE'S SERIOUSLY ANTI-IMMIGRATION.
HE EVEN GUARDS THE BORDER TO HIS OFFICE.
ANYBODY WHO IS MARGINAL TO THE ECONOMY
IS HURT BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.
IN OTHER WORDS, HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS,
DISPROPORTIONATELY BLACK AMERICANS,
AND EARLIER HISPANIC IMMIGRANTS.
Penn: BECAUSE IMMIGRANTS WHO WILL WORK FOR LESS MONEY--
YOU THINK AMERICA'S POOR- WILL GET POORER
AND RELY ON GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS, LIKE CHEESE,
OR AS WE'LL SOON BE SAYING, QUESO.
WHAT ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY?
SINCE 9-11, TERRORISM HAS BEEN THE BIG ENCHILADA.
THE ONLY WAY BAD GUYS CAN SNEAK INTO OUR COUNTRY
AND BLOW UP OUR ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS,
IS IF THEY GET INTO THE COUNTRY.
Penn: BLOWIN' UP OUR SCHOOLS?
WHERE ARE OUR HOT FEMALE TEACHERS GONNA *** THEIR STUDENTS?
MARK, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AMERICA?
DUDE, IT'S HUGE!
THIS MAP SHOWS POPULATION DENSITY,
AND WHERE ALL THE BEST STRIP CLUBS ARE.
LOOK AT ALL THAT OPEN SPACE!
DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR EVERYONE AND MORE?
THE UNITED STATES DOES NOT HAVE
AN UNLIMITED CAPACITY TO ABSORB IMMIGRANTS.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: WHAT THE ***, WHAT THE ***, WHAT THE ***?!
GET THE *** OUT OF HERE!
WHAT THE-- THESE WERE OUR JOBS!
WHAT THE ***? STAR! THESE WERE OUR JOBS!
Man: BUT THE OTHER GUYS ARE CHEAPER!
YOU ARE SO ***' FIRED!
AND TURN OFF THIS SUBTITLE ***.
THIS IS AMERICA.
Penn: IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS,
WE DIDN'T JUST GET THESE TWO GOOD LOOKING SPOKESPERSONS.
WE ALSO GOT A JOHNNY CASH IMPERSONATOR
WHO SAYS THERE'S NO IMMIGRATION CRISIS.
I'M NICK GILLESPIE, EDITOR AND CHIEF OF REASON MAGAZINE.
Penn: OH, OUR MISTAKE. NICK'S THE NEW MAN IN BLACK.
WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE ECONOMIC FACTORS,
WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE CULTURAL FACTORS,
THE EFFECT ON SOCIAL SERVICES,
AND YOU STRIP OUT THE HYSTERIA,
YOU STRIP OUT THE FEAR AND ANXIETY
THAT EVEN WELL-MEANING PEOPLE OFTEN HAVE
ABOUT NEW TYPES OF PEOPLE COMING TO THE COUNTRY,
THERE'S VERY LITTLE EVIDENCE FOR IT.
Penn: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HYSTERIA?
YOU HEARD THE OTHER GUY. MR. AND MRS. FRITO BANDITO
ARE TAKING JOBS AWAY FROM THE POOR.
PLUS, THEY LITTER THE COUNTRY WITH THOSE SHAKIRA POSTERS.
IF, IN FACT, ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
WERE DESTROYING THE LABOR MARKET,
WE WOULD BE SEEING 10, 15, 20% UNEMPLOYMENT
INSTEAD, WE'RE AT LIKE 5% UNEMPLOYMENT.
Penn: AND 5% ISN'T JUST SOME ANOMALY.
THE AVERAGE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IN THE U.S. SINCE 1990
HAS ONLY BEEN ABOUT 5%.
BUT ISN'T THE REAL PROBLEM THAT IMMIGRANTS SNEAK INTO THE U.S.
TO SUCKLE AT OUR GOVERNMENT'S ENORMOUSLY SAGGY DOUBLE D TEATS?
PEOPLE COME HERE TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE.
THEY COME HERE TO LEARN SKILLS.
THEY COME HERE TO GET WEALTH.
THEY COME HERE TO SEND MONEY BACK HOME.
Penn: WE'LL COME BACK TO THESE TWO IN JUST A BIT,
BUT FIRST, LET'S HEAD BACK TO THE U.S. BORDER
AND FIND OUT WHO BATMAN BLAMES FOR THE PROBLEM OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.
IT'S A FAILURE ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
WE'RE NOT HOLDING THEM ACCOUNTABLE.
WE'RE FAT, LAZY, APATHETIC HAPPY AMERICANS
WHO SAY, "I'LL LET THE GOVERNMENT DEAL WITH IT."
Penn: THAT'S WHY CHRIS HELPED FORM THE MINUTEMEN,
AND WHO ARE THEY, EXACTLY?
THE WORD CONJURES UP IMAGES LIKE THIS ONE--
DETERMINED, RESOURCEFUL, STEELY-EYED,
BLACK AND WHITE.
LET'S GO TO THE MINUTEMEN BASE CAMP
TO COMPARE THE MODERN OUTLAW.
DETERMINED, RESOURCEFUL, STEELY-EYED,
JUST WHITE.
MAN, IT'S A LOT EASIER TO LOOK COOL AND TOUGH IN A DRAWING.
WE THE PEOPLE HAVE THE WILL
TO PROTECT OUR PROPERTY AND TO PROTECT OUR NATION.
AND WE'RE TAKING ACTION.
THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE OUR STAND.
Penn: TAKING A STAND AND DOING WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO BE RIGHT.
AND WHERE EXACTLY ARE YOU STANDING?
WE'RE AT POST 8, ON THE BRAVO LINE.
POST 8, BRAVO LINE.
THAT SOUNDS SO COOL!
WHO IS THAT IN THE BACK THERE?
HERE AT THE POST, WE HAVE TWO OF OUR MOST DEDICATED VOLUNTEERS
STANDING WATCH OVER AMERICA,
ARE 2 GREAT VOLUNTEERS,
JIM, AND HIS LOVELY WIFE--
BARB.
HA, YOU GOT IT.
ODDLY ENOUGH, ONE OF THE TASKS OF THE ORIGINAL MINUTEMEN
WAS TO PUT DOWN IN THE INDIAN UPRISINGS.
SO IF YOU TRANSLATE THAT MINUTEMAN JOB INTO TODAY'S CONFLICT,
THE MINUTEMEN SHOULD ACTUALLY BE
A TRAINED GROUP OF IMMIGRANTS
STOPPING ANY AMERICANS FROM RAISING A FUSS ABOUT LOSING THEIR LAND.
Penn: IT'S BEEN SAID GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS.
OBVIOUSLY, THE BEST NEIGHBORS ARE *** STARS
WITH BROKEN WINDOW SHADES.
ANYWAY, FENCES AND WALLS
HAVE BEEN USED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS TO DIVIDE PEOPLE.
THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA PROTECTED THE CHINESE FROM THE HUNS AND THE MONGOLS.
THE BERLIN WALL KEPT CAPITALISM AWAY FROM COMMUNISM.
AND THIS IS A WALL IN NEW ENGLAND
WHERE I CONTRACTED POISON IVY WHILE TRYING TO CLIMB OVER IT.
IN 2006, MANY AMERICANS BEGAN SERIOUSLY DISCUSSING
A WALL ALONG THE U.S. BORDER WITH MEXICO.
WE'RE ACTUALLY BUILDING FENCE.
AND WE'RE BUILDING DOUBLE-FENCE IN PARTICULAR
IN AREAS WHERE THERE IS A HIGH VULNERABILITY
FOR PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO SNEAK IN.
THE PRESIDENT SIGNED A BILL RECENTLY
FOR 700 MILES OF EXTRA FENCING ON THE BORDER.
AND THAT'S AN IMPORTANT TOOL
FOR CONTROLLING IMMIGRATION.
THE IMMIGRATION WALL IS POINTLESS,
BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WHO ENTER THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY,
FIRST OFF, DON'T COME THROUGH THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
Penn: RIGHT. ACCORDING TO THE PEW HISPANIC CENTER,
IN 2006, NEARLY THE SAME NUMBER OF ILLEGALS
EVADED THE SOUTHERN BORDER PATROL
AS ENTERED THE U.S. LEGALLY.
THEY GET A WORK, STUDENT OR TRAVEL VISA,
AND THEN OVERSTAY THEIR WELCOME,
LIKE TELLER AND I DID AT LANCE BURTON'S PAJAMA PARTY.
AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING, LANCE, WE'RE REALLY SORRY, MAN.
WE HOPE SOMEDAY YOU'LL THINK IT WAS FUNNY.
I MEAN, IT'S 700 MILES TOTAL,
BUT IT'S BROKEN UP INTO DIFFERENT CHUNKS
STRETCHING IN VARIOUS KIND OF HIGH-TRAFFIC AREAS
FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
BETWEEN THE, YOU KNOW, MEXICO AND U.S. BORDER.
Penn: 700 MILES, NOT CONTINUOUS?
THE U.S. BORDER OF MEXICO IS 2,000 MILES.
IT'LL HAVE BIGGER HOLES THAN A TIJUANA DONKEY SHOW.
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT FENCING'S USELESS
JUST BECAUSE 700 MILES OF FENCING
WON'T CLOSE OFF THE WHOLE BORDER.
Penn: CAN, TOO!
FENCING'S USELESS JUST BECAUSE
700 MILES OF FENCING WON'T CLOSE OFF THE WHOLE BORDER.
AND WE BELIEVE IT, TOO.
IN FACT, BUSH'S BILL CONTAINS NO PLANS
FOR WHAT THE WALL WILL BE LIKE.
HOWEVER, THESE ARE A FEW EXAMPLES OF WALL SECTIONS THAT ARE CURRENTLY IN USE.
THIS ONE'S NEAR SAN DIEGO.
THIS ONE'S BEING BUILT BY CHRIS SIMCOX AND THE MINUTEMEN,
FUNDED BY PRIVATE DONATIONS AND CHRIS' APPEARANCE
AT A MEXICAN CHURCH'S DUNK TANK.
SEEMS TO US THAT THE POSTS ARE TOO FAR APART
TO KEEP OUT ALL BUT THE FATTEST OF MEXICANS.
WELL, CLEARLY, WE'RE BUILDING THIS
BECAUSE WE KNOWS WALLS WILL BE EFFECTIVE.
IT'S A DOUBLE-LAYERED DESIGN,
14 FOOT TALL GAUNTLET OF ANTI-CRIME MESH
TOPPED WITH CONCERTINA WIRE,
BURIED IN THE GROUND 2 FEET.
I MEAN, THE IMMIGRANTS WHO WANT TO COME HERE
WILL NOT BE STOPPED BY THIS WALL,
AND THEY WILL COME UP WITH WAYS WHICH WILL BE RELENTLESSLY INNOVATIVE
TO GET AROUND.
Penn: WE WANTED TO SEE FOR OURSELVES
JUST HOW EFFECTIVE A WALL WOULD BE.
SO FIRST WE FOUND A CONTRACTOR.
FOR LEGAL REASONS, WE'LL CALL HIM "BOB."
NEXT, HE GOT A VAN.
FOR LEGAL REASONS, WE'LL CALL IT "STEVE."
AND DROVE IT TO A BIG BOX HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE.
THERE WERE DOZENS OF ILLEGALS LINED UP ALONG THE SIDEWALK
ALL LOOKING TO DO DAY LABOR.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, GATHERINGS LIKE THESE
OCCUR AT HUNDREDS OF HOME IMPROVEMENT STORES EVERY DAY.
BOB HIRED THESE SIX GUYS, WHO FOR LEGAL REASONS
WE'LL CALL GROUCHO, HARPO, CHICO, ZEPPO, GUMMO, AND...ILLEAGO.
THEY ALL SNUCK INTO THE U.S. ILLEGALLY,
AND NONE OF THEM SPEAK ENGLISH.
BOB OFFERED EACH OF THEM $150 TO WORK ON A CONSTRUCTION PROJECT.
NEXT, WE DROVE EVERYONE OUT TO A SECRET LOCATION
THAT LOOKED LIKE A BORDER CROSSING.
WE'LL CALL IT POST 9, BRAVO LINE.
THAT'S ONE COOLER THAN CHRIS' POST 8 BRAVO LINE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: WE ASKED THESE MEN TO BUILD
A 20 FOOT WIDE BY 12 FOOT TALL SECTION OF WALL.
BECAUSE, WELL, SHOWTIME GAVE TOO MUCH MONEY TO *** LIKE US
AND WE THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: YEP, OTRA VEZ.
IF ONLY THAT WERE A JOKE.
THE BORDER WALL IN SAN DIEGO WAS BUILT BY THE GOLDEN STATE FENCE COMPANY,
AND THEY PAID ALMOST $5 MILLION IN FINES
FOR USING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO BUILD IT.
WHEN FINISHED, OUR WALL WILL BE COVERED WITH CORRUGATED METAL
AND BARBED WIRE WILL BE ALL STRUNG ALONG THE TOP.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE WALL THAT CHRIS SIMCOX
AND THE GOVERNMENT HAVE PROPOSED.
OH, AND ONE OTHER THING--
WHEN THESE GUYS FINISH BUILDING THE WALL,
WE'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR THEM.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO START WRITING
YOUR COMPLAINT LETTER RIGHT NOW.
OK, BOB, YOU'RE IN CONSTRUCTION.
WHY DO PEOPLE HIRE ILLEGAL WORKERS?
THE ADVANTAGE OF USING ILLEGALS
IS THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO GET, YOU KNOW,
MAN POWER FOR, YOU KNOW, LEAST AMOUNT OF DOLLARS.
Penn: BUT WHY NOT USE AMERICANS?
THERE'S A LOT OF TIMES WHERE YOUR AVERAGE AMERICAN
WON'T DO WHAT ILLEGALS DO.
RIGHT, LIKE SELL DELICIOUS PRODUCE ON A HIGHWAY OFF-RAMP.
OK, LET'S GET OUT OF YOUR WAY AND LET THE MAGIC HAPPEN.
WHY DON'T WE MEET SOME OF BOB'S CREW, STARTING WITH GROUCHO?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: WAIT A MINUTE.
HARPO'S NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK. ANYWAY.
A BETTER LIFE FOR HIS KIDS?
WHAT A ***' DICKWAD!
LIKE MANY ILLEGALS,
THESE MEN RISK THEIR LIVES TO GET INTO THE U.S.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: A COYOTE IS A PEOPLE SMUGGLER.
YOU PAY HIM THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
TO HELP YOU GET ACROSS THE BORDER.
GAH! AND IF YOU DON'T GET KILLED
OR CAUGHT IN THE DESERT,
YOU GET TO STAND OUTSIDE A HOME--***...WAREHOUSE
TO TRY TO GET A JOB WITH A BUNCH OF *** TV JERKS
WHO MAKE YOU DIG WHILE THEY GO TO LUNCH.
THESE IMMIGRANTS REALLY LOVE THE AMERICAN DREAM.
Teller: OOH!
DID I GET IT?
IS THERE CANDY EVERYWHERE?
CANDY? DID I GET IT? CANDY? IS THERE--
WHO WANTS CANDY?
HEY, THE WALL IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD.
LET'S CHECK OUT THE MINUTEMAN HEADQUARTERS.
IT SEEMS LIKE A COOL PLACE TO HANG OUT AND *** ABOUT FOREIGNERS.
THE MINUTEMEN HAVE KINDLY AGREED TO READ US THEIR CODE OF ETHICS.
"MINUTEMEN CORPS OF VOLUNTEERS
"ARE COURTEOUS TO EVERYONE
WITH WHOM THEY COME IN CONTACT."
Penn: LIKE WAL-MART GREETERS.
IT'S HARD TO BUST THEM ON THAT.
"MINUTEMAN CORPS OF VOLUNTEERS
"ONLY OBSERVE, REPORT, AND DIRECT THE BORDER PATROL
TO SUSPECTED ILLEGAL ALIENS OR ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES."
"MINUTEMEN RESPECT THE PROPERTY RIGHTS OF EVERYONE."
Penn: HMM. THEY DON'T SOUND AS NUTTY AS WE WERE HOPING.
OK, WE'RE STARTIN' OUR--OUR BRIEFING--
Penn: YES! NOW THEY'RE GONNA LET THE CRAZY FLY!
THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.
OK, WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO IS SWEEP THE GROUND
AND WE'LL PASS OUT TRASH BAGS.
IF YOU'VE GOT A TRASH BAG,
PICK UP THE TRASH AROUND YOUR POST.
WE ONLY HAD ONE INSTANCE WHERE WE HAD ILLEGALS LAST NIGHT,
BUT THEY SCATTERED, AND IT GOT LIT UP TOO SOON.
AND YOU GUYS THAT SMOKE, PICK UP YOUR BUTTS.
WE DON'T NEED THOSE BUTTS OUT THERE.
ANY QUESTIONS?
Penn: SO REALLY, THEY'RE NOT SUPER LUNATICS.
THEY HAVEN'T SHOT ANYONE--YET.
THEY'RE NOT USING A DOLLAR OF OUR TAXES,
AND THEY'RE CLEANING UP AFTER THEMSELVES.
THEY'RE DECENT GUYS DOING WHAT THEY THINK IS RIGHT.
NOW, WE'LL DO WHAT WE THINK IS RIGHT.
WE'LL MAKE FUN OF THE ***.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
I'M TELLIN' YOU, THIS IS GONNA WORK.
NO WAY A BUNCH OF LAZY ***, FOREIGN *** TERRORISTS
ARE GETTING TO OUR COUNTRY.
WE HAVE A SOVEREIGN RIGHT TO THIS LAND.
HEY, HEY, STOP IT! STOP IT!
***, ***, ***! JESUS, ***!
GOD DAMN! ***' PILGRIMS!
***' BUCKLES ON YOUR ***' HATS!
THIS IS OUR ***' COUNTRY!
IT'S OUR *** COUNTRY!
GET OUT! GET OUT, YOU ***! DAMN!
Penn: LET'S GET BACK TO OUR CONSTRUCTION SITE.
BOB, TELL US ABOUT THOSE SWEET LOOKIN' FENCE POSTS.
THEY'RE MADE OUT OF METAL.
AND THEY'RE, YOU KNOW, HEIGHTH-WISE,
YOU KNOW, THEY'VE GOT ABOUT 15 FEET TO THEM.
IN SOME AREAS, THEY HAVE BARBED WIRE.
[HAMMERING]
SO IT'S GONNA BE PRETTY CLOSE TO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SEE IN MEXICO.
ONCE WE GET IT GOING HERE.
Penn: IT'S ONLY A HALF-HOUR SHOW, BOB.
WHILE BOB STARTS EARNING THE 25 BUCKS WE GAVE HIM,
WE ASKED THE WORKERS TO TELL US WHAT ILLEGALS DO WHILE THEY'RE HERE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A CHANCE AT THE AMERICAN DREAM?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: AND WHY IS THAT?
DO WE THINK THEY'RE TERRORISTS?
ALL THE 9-11 HIJACKERS WERE HERE ON *** LEGAL VISAS.
NO, THIS ISN'T ABOUT TERRORISM.
IT'S ABOUT RACISM AND BIGOTRY.
YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE SAYING THAT FLAT OUT,
BECAUSE I, UM, I MEAN I'M NOT FULLY COMFORTABLE SAYING THAT,
'CAUSE I THINK SOME PEOPLE--
IN THE END, YEAH. I MEAN, IT IS.
THERE'S RACISM ON ALL SIDES OF THIS DEBATE.
THERE ARE CLEARLY PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE BROWN PEOPLE
AND THAT'S WHY THEY WANT LESS IMMIGRATION.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
THERE ARE ALSO THOSE WHO DON'T LIKE WHITE PEOPLE,
AND THAT'S WHY THEY WANT MORE IMMIGRATION.
Penn: WHAT THE ***?!
IF WE WANT TO OPEN UP BORDERS,
IT'S BECAUSE WE DON'T LIKE WHITE PEOPLE?!
IT SURE SEEMS LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ARE DOING FINE,
AND I THINK WE LIKE ALMOST ALL WHITE PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, EXCEPT YOU.
WE ARE, AS A COUNTRY,
WE ARE TYPICALLY AFRAID OF PEOPLE
WHO WE THINK DON'T LOOK LIKE US.
AND AS A RESULT, WE TRY TO KEEP THEM OUT.
Penn: IN THE LAST 150 YEARS,
THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HAS TARGETED
NUMEROUS ETHNICITIES FOR EXCLUSION.
IN 1880, THERE WAS THE CHINESE EXCLUSION ACT.
FEW YEARS LATER, SOMETHING CALLED
"THE GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT" KEPT OUT THE JAPANESE.
IN THE 1920s,
JEWS, ITALIANS AND POLES
WERE KEPT OUT AS A RESULT OF NATIONAL ORIGIN QUOTAS.
SO, WHERE ARE YOUR ANCESTORS FROM?
THE SAME ARGUMENTS THAT WE'RE HAVING ABOUT IMMIGRATION NOW,
THAT PEOPLE CAN'T BE ASSIMILATED
BECAUSE THEY'RE OF A DIFFERENCE RACE OR A DIFFERENT STOCK,
EXACTLY THE SAME ARGUMENTS WERE GOING ON
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE 20th CENTURY.
Penn: RIGHT. WHEN JEWS CAME TO THE U.S.,
THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM A BIZARRE RELIGION,
ANCIENT CUSTOMS, VERY FATTY FOODS LIKE BRISKET,
AND WORDS LIKE "HOAKKKUHH."
POLES HAD THEIR OWN SACK OF SAUSAGES IN CUSTOMS,
AND THE ***' ITALIANS?
WHAT'S MORE AMERICAN THAN A ***' SAUSAGE PIZZA?
AND SOMEHOW, WE'VE MANAGED TO ASSIMILATE THEM
TO A POINT WHERE, IS THERE ANYBODY MORE AMERICAN NOW
THAN, YOU KNOW, TONY SOPRANO OR FRANK SINATRA?
THAT'S THE FATE OF IMMIGRATION,
OF WHERE PEOPLE WHO SEEM DIFFERENT THAN US
END UP DEFINING US IN A WAY THAT WE ALL WANT TO BE LIKE.
Penn: IS THERE ANY FAMILY MORE ALL-AMERICAN THAN THE KENNEDYS?
THEY'RE FROM IRELAND. EINSTEIN WAS FROM GERMANY.
BOB HOPE WAS FROM LONDON.
AND SCHWARZENEGGER WAS BORN IN AUSTRIA. SO...
♪ SO, HE CAN'T BE PRESIDENT ♪
♪ HE CAN'T BE PRESIDENT ♪
♪ AND WE COULD, WE COULD ♪
♪ HA HA HA ♪
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT IS INCREDIBLE ABOUT AMERICA
IS THAT, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE BECOME AMERICAN PRETTY QUICKLY
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE OR WHAT LANGUAGE THEY SPEAK.
Penn: HEY, THE WALL IS NEARLY FINISHED.
VAMANOS, MUCHACHOS.
[DRILL WHIRRING]
ONE THING ALL AMERICANS CAN APPRECIATE IS HARD WORK.
AS YOU CAN SEE,
OUR BORDERLESS BORDER FENCE IS ALMOST DONE.
YOU THINK IT WAS EASY?
LOOK, IT TOOK ALL DAY TO BUILD.
NOW, THAT'S A ***' FENCE--
STURDY, SOLID, AND MADE IN AMERICA BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
AND REALLY, WHEN THE GOVERNMENT BUILDS
THEIR 700 MILE PROP FENCE,
WHOM DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO AFFORD?
BOB, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF OUR WALL?
Bob: THIS WALL IS BASICALLY A WALL
THAT IS PRETTY MUCH SIMILAR TO WHAT YOU WOULD CONSTRUCT
ON THE MEXICAN BORDER.
WE'RE GONNA SEE NOW WITH OUR EXPERIMENT
IF WE'RE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS WALL
AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT'S IT TAKE TO GET THROUGH IT.
Penn: SURPRISE!
YEP, THAT'S OUR BIG "WE'RE SUCH JERK FUCKFACES" SURPRISE.
NOW THEY'VE BUILT THE WALL,
WE'RE GONNA ASK OUR ILLEGALS TO SHOW US HOW TO GET PAST IT.
BET YOU THOUGHT THE SURPRISE HAD TO DO WITH KIDS, HUH?
YEAH.
WE'RE ALL BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED.
WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS I'M GONNA TAKE MY GUYS,
I'M GONNA SEPARATE THEM INTO 3 PAIRS.
ONE TEAM IS TO GO OVER, ONE TEAM IS TO GO UNDER,
AND ONE TEAM IS TO GO THROUGH IT.
HOPEFULLY THEY DO IT, YOU KNOW,
AND THEY DON'T GET PISSED OFF.
Penn: OK, ILLEGALS.
TO YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO!
THEY'RE OFF TO A FLYING START.
ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO TAKE HOURS?
SO, BOB, YOU DESIGNED THE ***.
WHICH TEAM DO YOU THINK WILL MAKE IT PAST THE FENCE FIRST?
I THINK THE TEAM THAT WILL GO OVER THE WALL
WILL BE PROBABLY BE THE MOST EASIEST.
Penn: YEAH, THEY'RE LOOKING GOOD,
BUT TEAM UNDER THE FENCE AND TEAM THROUGH THE FENCE
ARE FAST AS ***!
I WONDER IF THEY'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Penn: AND OUR WINNERS, TEAM THROUGH THE FENCE.
LET'S SEE WHO'S NEXT.
COMIN' IN SECOND, IT'S TEAM UNDER THE FENCE.
HURRY, TEAM OVER THE FENCE!
YOU'VE TAKEN 15 SECONDS.
ANOTHER 45, AND THE MINUTEMEN WILL BE HERE TO BE COURTEOUS!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Penn: ***' A! THEY DID IT.
AND THEY GOT THE JOKE ENOUGH TO EVEN COVER THEIR TRACKS.
MAYBE THEY CAME FROM MEXICO,
BUT THESE ***' GUYS ARE PURE AMERICAN.
THE FIRST ONES, THEY WERE ABLE TO CUT,
YOU KNOW, BOTH SIDES OF THE TIN AND STUFF.
AND THEY CAME THROUGH IT WITHIN ABOUT 3 TO 5 MINUTES.
Penn: OUTSTANDING.
THESE GUYS SPENT NEARLY 8 HOURS OUT HERE
BUILDING THE GOD DAMN THING,
AND IT TOOK 3 MINUTES FOR 6 GUYS WITH TIN SNIPS TO GET THROUGH.
AS OF JANUARY 1, 2007,
CHRIS SIMCOX SAID THE FIRST SECTION OF HIS ONE MILE WALL
WAS 9/10 DONE.
AS FOR THE REST, CHRIS TOLD OUR PRODUCER
HE WAS HAVING SOME FINANCING ISSUES HE DIDN'T ELABORATE ON.
SO, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE EITHER DONATING TO CHRIS
OR SUPPORTING THE GOVERNMENT WALL,
YOU'LL GET MORE SATISFACTION
JUST SETTING YOUR 60 BILLION ON FIRE.
60 BILLION *** U.S. DOLLARS
THAT'S WHAT A 700 MILE WALL IS GONNA COST.
AND FOR VALUE, WHAT IS IT WORTH
TO ADD 3 MINUTES TO THE TRAVEL TIME OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS?
IT'LL CERTAINLY BE A BOON FOR TIN SNIP MANUFACTURERS.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Penn: AND IF YOU CAN MOW LAWNS OR BUILD FENCES
OR JUGGLE OR DO TRICKS
OR WRITE COMEDY BETTER OR CHEAPER THAN WHAT WE'VE GOT,
WE'LL HIRE YOUR ***' ***.
AND WE'LL USE ALL THE TIME AND MONEY AND EFFORT
YOU'RE SAVING US TO LIVE A LITTLE.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S STILL OUR NAMES ON THE ***' SHOW.
SEE, I TOLD YOU WE'D GET *** ON THE SHOW SOMEHOW.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--