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It's a movie.
"The jerk.
"
"The birds.
"
You got it !
No fair !You were
giving him hand signals.
That's how you
play charades.
Oh.
Well, let me try !
All right, uh --
It's a movie.
It's about you.
"The brother from
another planet" ?
"Hair.
"
No, you're all wrong.
It's "the man
who would be king.
"
Groan.
Groan.
**
[ Doorbell ]
Alf, hide in
the kitchen.
If you weren't always
sending me to the kitchen,
I might not
eat so much.
Alf, please.
No wonder willie's pants
don't fit me any more.
Hi, willie,
hi, kate,
And other residents
of the tanner manor.
Hi, trevor,
raquel.
And who
might this be ?
This is jake,
my brother cyril's kid.
These are
the tanners.
Hello.
Hi, jake.
Hi.
Hi, jake.
Yeah.
Jake's from
new york.
He's staying with us
while his father's away.
How long will
that be ?
Unless he gets
time off for
good behavior.
Everybody sit down.
I'll get some iced tea.
Oh, please,
let me help.
After all, i am
a mother now.
That's okay.
I can handle it.
Fine !
Hog the limelight.
All right, raquel.
Give me
just a minute.
There's a big
bug in there
I don't want
you to see.
Alf, you've got to
get out of here.
I know.
There's
a big bug in here.
There's no bug.
I said that
to fool raquel.
You expect her
to fall for that ?
You did.
Well, i'm naive.
Please,
you have to leave.
I just got here.
Isn't that a rattlesnake
under the sink ?
[ Gasp ]
I'm gone.
You can come in, raquel.
[ Coughing ]
That bug never
stood a chance.
What do you
think of jake ?
Well, i just met him.
He seems
quiet.
Well, brian
doesn't say much,
And you don't see
me making a stink.
Raquel.
I'm sorry.
I'm
just so excited.
I have always
wanted a child,
But trevor wanted
to get his masters
in art history.
Now, that i
have a child,
I'm so nervous.
Don't worry.
Children can
be difficult,
But at least they
don't shed in the milk.
I guess we'll be going
to the same school.
Until i drop out.
You're dropping out ?
When i'm 16 --
In 1 year, 3 months, & 18 days.
Aah, geez.
Boy,
you're lucky.
I've got 8 years,
Is jake helping brian
with his math ?
Not
exactly.
Can we talk
in private ?
Sure, we can go
Into the
laundry room ?
No, uh --
There's laundry
in there.
Well, no one can hear
us in the bedroom.
Raquel can.
Hold still, lucky.
I'll be off your back
in a minute.
Oh !
The only good cat
is a stir-Fried cat.
Ow !
Right in
the navel !
I'm sorry, trevor.
You can't come in yet.
Alf, hide.
Get out.
I'm not
in, yet.
Trevor's outside.
Promise you'll build
me a room of my own.
Hide.
Now.
Or else.
Wasn't that a
chuck norris film ?
Gang way.
[ Cat screeches ]
[ Alf ]
sorry.
Why did you
slam the door ?
Well,
i, uh --
Don't tell me.
Someone didn't make
his bed this morning ?
Caught in the act.
What did you want
to talk about ?
Jake.
I don't know what
to do with that kid.
He talks back,
disobeys,
And i think he
stole some peat moss
from our living room.
Why put peat moss in
your living room ?
To keep people
from stealing it.
Obviously.
Have a talk
with jake.
Look, willie,
I've got
to be honest.
I'm no good
with kids.
All i ever raised
was tomatoes.
Without peat moss,
i can't even do that.
Do you want me
to talk to him ?
Would you ?
Maybe you can get
a handle on him.
He's a smart kid.
He's an ochmonek.
Say no more.
I just want jake
to turn out okay.
He will,
As long as he
gets the love and
guidance he needs.
Aw, that's pretty.
I just don't
want jake in jail
like his father,
Or his brother,
Or his
cousin victor.
I see you've
made a little friend.
Little friend ?
She's a beanpole.
You should see me
in heels, shrimpo.
Are you guys
having fun ?
Your daughter's gonna
put on heels for me.
I think we
should be going.
We've about exhausted
the idle chit chat.
Jake, come back
tonight after supper.
You can have some
cake with us.
Just have stretch
bring it over.
Want to pop out
of it for me ?
Want to live long enough
to drop out of school ?
Let's go.
Good bye,
everybody.
So long,
jake.
Sure, peewee.
Who are you
calling peewee ?
You.
Just asking.
Come on.
Peewee.
Brian, don't
ever change.
That jake really grows
on you, doesn't he ?
Not on me.
Don't you think
he's a little rude ?
[ Burp ]
Not particularly.
[ Alf ]
cake.
Cake.
Cake.
Cake.
Cake.
Cake.
Cake !Cake !Cake !
Cake --
We're saving
it for jake.
Okay.
He's not coming.
Let's eat.
He'll be here, alf.
The kid's probably
going up the river
As we speak.
They'll put him
in solitary,
Feed him bread
and water,
Topped by a
delicious piece
of chocolate
Cake.
Jake may have
some problems,
But he's not going
to be sent to prison.
Tell that to my cousin
"Pretty boy" shumway.
He grew up on the
south side of melmac;
The baddest part
of the planet.
If he didn't like
your shoes --
Ack ack ack ack ack.
He'd shoot a person
because of his shoes ?
No, he'd just point
And go
ack ack ack ack ack.
Mr.
Ochmonek called
and said jake won't
come over.
I didn't hear
the phone.
He just hollered
through my window.
All right !Let's eat.
Would you like
some cake ?
[ Crash,
cat screeches ]
Come in, scotland.
Come in, scotland.
Is this scotland ?
Aye, it is.
Hey, scotty,
beam me up !
Ha-Ha-Ha.
I kill me !
Well, i'm hungry.
Maybe i'll call turkey.
Hey !
Stay !
Drop that telescope !
On second thought -- Don't.
Get away from me !
Just stay away !
Wait !You
can't leave.
They'll think i
broke the telescope.
Okay, i'll fix it.
Just don't bite me.
Bite you ?
That's a good idea.
I'll bite you, if
you don't fix this.
[ Snaps jaws ]
All right !
Just don't tell
my aunt and uncle
i was taking it.
On one condition.
You fix it, and don't
tell anyone about me.
That's 2 conditions.
Hsssss !
All right !
You've got a deal.
What are you,
anyway ?
I'm an alien from
the planet melmac.
I have powers
you can only dream of.
Like what ?
I could watch
Without ever getting up
to go to the bathroom.
You're the weirdest
thing i've ever seen.
You should see me
with my hair wet.
Do the tanners
know about you ?
Yeah,they know
all about me.
Well, they don't know
that i've had liposuction.
Where'd you learn
to fix telescopes --
Cal tech ?
No, my dad taught me.
We used to find things
in the trash and fix them.
My dad could
fix anything;
Especially
horse races.
Wild guess --
That's why
he's in jail ?
Yeah.
Well, uh --
I'm done.
Wow !
You're good !
And fast !
It's no
big deal.
No big deal ?
On melmac, we
only had one guy
Who knew
how to fix things.
They put him on
display in a zoo,
But the cage door
was broken,
So he walked away.
Good story.
Can i go now ?
Yeah,
but remember
our deal --
You can't tell
anyone about me.
Don't worry --
I live by the ochmonek code.
We don't squeal
or tip.
The name's alf.
Jake.
Bye.
Bye.
Hsssss !
I've still got it.
And magic
runs down.
Oh, man.
Takes one --
What are you
doing here ?
I brought over a few
things for you to fix.
This has fur
stuck in it.
I don't know how
that happened.
What happened
to this ?
I tried
to puree a rock.
It didn't work.
[ Raquel ]
jake ?
Are you
talking to someone ?
No, it's
just the tv.
Welcome to
"monday night football.
"
It's saturday !
Live, from new york,
it's "saturday --"
I'm shutting
it off.
Click !
Can you fix
all this stuff ?
My motto is
"if i can't fix it,
it ain't broken.
"
My motto is
"i broke it.
"
My dad's motto is
"i broke into it.
"
Ha-Ha.
You're pretty
funny for a delinquent.
I love this
male bonding.
Let's go out back and
throw a cat on the barbie.
Just a thought.
Hi, lynn.
Willie, is this
your tape recorder ?
Gee, i'm not sure.
[ Alf ]
my sister is so fat
She gets her legs waxed
at the car wash.
Ha-Ha.
Yes, that's ours.
Who's the comedian ?
Ever heard of
jay leno ?
No.
It's jay leno.
Oh.
I found this
in jake's room.
The kid's a crook.
I was
fixing it !
He's a liar,
too.
Your father would
be so ashamed.
It's a good thing
he's in jail.
Pssst.
I don't know
what to say.
Pssst !
What made
you do it ?
Could you excuse me,
just for a moment ?
I invented
a new sport --
Biscuit ball.
What do
you want ?
You're wrong
about jake.
He's a
good kid.
He stole that
tape recorder.
He was fixing it.
He could
fix anything.
How do you
know that ?
Has he seen you ?
Yeah.
But he won't
tell anyone.
Besides, he's a hoodlum.
Who'd believe him ?
Trevor, for one.
Jake won't
tell trevor.
I physically
intimidated him.
You ?
Hsssss !
Don't do that.
Hsssss !
Don't !
Hsssss !
Oh, stop it.
What do you mean,
he can fix anything ?
Look at the coffee maker.
Hsssss !
What happened
to the jello ?
Jake cleaned
it all out !
So much for my
"mr.
Jello" machine.
Stay here.
Hsssss !
Jake, i owe you
an apology.
Apology ?
That biscuit
caused brain
damage ?
He really was fixing
the tape recorder.
I just
found out from
Mom.
Right.
Bet you feel
like a real jerk.
Yeah.
Listen, kid,
i'm real sorry.
Am i still going
to bed without supper ?
Of course not.
Rats !
You know, trevor,
It seems this young man
is a little "mr.
Fix-It.
"
"Little
mr.
Fix-It.
"
How cute.
You want me,
don't you ?
You should get him
some tools of his own.
He could fix things
at your house.
Yeah.
Could you fix our
christmas lights ?
They stopped
blinking in june.
Sure.
I could even fix
your outdoor p.
A.
System.
Oh, please don't.
Willie, can we borrow
some of your tools ?
Sure, they're
in your garage.
Oh, yeah.
Come on, jake.
Good bye.
Bye.
Tell jay leno
i said "hi.
"
Everybody knows this
jay leno, except me.
What a
strange family.
Heh !
Now, what
do you want ?
Nothing.
I was just doing the
heimlich maneuver on myself.
Heh.
Heh.
Heh.
Heh.
Where is that ?
Ah !
That piece
doesn't fit there.
Yes, it does.
Voil?
Mickey's eye
is in his nose.
Now he can see
what he smells.
Mr.
Ochmonek found
his peat moss.
It was in his dining room
behind the rock salt.
Did jake fix
your hair dryer ?
Yeah, he's busy
fixing everything.
[ Trevor ]
testing, testing.
Is this thing on ?
Captions performed by
by alien productions.
All rights reserved.