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TOM: What about Romantic False Lead? Think we could vlog about that?
I mean, it's a simple misdirection, but it usually works.
TOM: Zap one of the characters off on a Girl of the Week
See how the drama plays out...
DANA: Still hung up on love tropes, huh? TOM: It's... on my mind.
DANA: So, how are things going with , Oh, what's her name?
Crazyfuck McStalkerson.
DANA: Good? I bet they're going good. TOM: Yeah, things are going , ah
TOM: She needs to stop hitting me.
DANA: Tom, find someone else. Date someone -- else.
DANA: Sleep with Anyone. Else. ZACK: Not It!
DANA: Like for real. She's kind of a who- [THEME MUSIC]]
[THEME MUSIC]]
TOM: Uh, hey, it's uh, this is Tom, you know, uh, from the audition?
TOM: Yeah ok, I'll see you then.
DANA: -You've- got a date with *** Girl? Really?
TOM: Come on, Dana, she has a name. Really.
DANA: Oh she does? Well, what is it?
TOM: I dunno. DANA: Well, take a guess.
DANA: It was on the audition form.
DANA: The one you had to look at to -get- her number.
TOM: Was it Jessica? DANA: No.
ZACK: Was it Peggy? DANA: No.
TOM: Was it Phyllis? DANA: No.
ZACK: No, Pegleg, the pirate
TOM: Thomasina? DANA: That's your name, but girlified.
TOM: It's a name. DANA: It's not -her- name.
ZACK: Peg. Leg. TOM: Look, it's something, okay?
Tom: It's something, and it's not "Shannon" and she's hot.
DANA: I thought you were terrified when she was crawling over the table.
TOM: No, that wasn't terror. DANA: Looked like terror.
TOM: It was surprise. DANA: Uh-huh.
TOM: Look if I was terrified -- when I watched the audition tapes
Over -- and over -- and over again...
Something changed my mind.
DANA: You're pathetic. TOM: Oh come on! If a male stripper
showed up to auditions, And he had swishy hair and nice abs
You'd totally call him back, and *** him, right?
DANA: No, Tom, I wouldn't.
ZACK: Wait, is the pegleg, like, the stripper pole?
TOM: Oh, hi. Wow, you look amazing.
PORNGIRL: Thank you. It's why my producer said that they hired me.
TOM: Yeah, um, sorry I couldn't cast you in my show.
PORNGIRL: That's all right. Something better came along.
PORNGIRL: How is your show going? TOM: It's going great. The one we're
working on now is called "Romantic False Lead". It's like there's
two main characters, and they may or may not hook up at some point in the
TOM: future, but right now there's a third character who comes in, who becomes
a temporary romantic interest. It's a way to build up, y'know,
TOM: the neglected feelings of the other character--
PORNGIRL: Yeah, uh-huh. Um, when someone asks that question,
they don't actually -care-.
TOM: Oh. PORNGIRL: Let's go buy me things.
ZACK: Would you love me if I gave you candy?
DANA: No.
ZACK: A unicorn? DANA: No.
ZACK What about my undying love?
TOM: Stop whatever you're talking about, and talk about me! I'm in love, you guys!
DANA: How could you possibly be in love? You've been on one date.
TOM: Yeah, I don't know, we just -- clicked. I mean...
She wasn't menacing, or threatening, and she never inflicted pain on me, and,
TOM: And I -still- think she's hot.
DANA: Well, good. That sounds, that sounds healthy.
At least by comparison.
DANA: What's her name? TOM: No idea.
TOM: Yeah, I'm gonna take the time to do this right.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
PORNGIRL: Yeah, this really isn't going to work.
TOM: But, Porngirl, this has been the best week of my life.
PORNGIRL: Yeah, it's been a week and we still haven't had sex!
A girl has -needs-, Tom.
TOM: Never mind, if it's just about the sex, we're right here.
PORNGIRL: And your troll of a cameraman doesn't help either!
I don't do sex tapes pro ***, Tom. And did he have to go on all of those
dates -with us-? Why -- what was the point of that?
TOM: I thought we could use the clips in the show, you know,
PORNGIRL: Euuuughhh.
TOM: Don't go! I--
We still have more scenes to shoot.
Also, I love you.
ZACK: Yeah. Why am I here?
[THEME MUSIC]
ZACK: Sooo, now that Tom is gone,
DANA: What? ZACK: Well, you can love me now.
DANA: Ok, A) No. I'm sorry, Zack, but no.
DANA: and B), why does Tom factor into this? At all?
ZACK:Well, he said he loved Porngirl now.
DANA: Yeah, well. How long do you really think that's going to last?
DANA: I give it a week. Tops. ZACK: Hmmm.
ZACK: My mom always told me that true love was forever.
ZACK: That's why I kept toting some alley cat around.
ZACK: except, now he's full of newspaper, instead of life.