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1
You guys watching Marty's show--
"Boardwalk Empire"?
- Marty?
- Marty Scorsese.
Martin Scorsese.
You can't call him that.
You're not his buddy.
I'm sorry.
I like to call celebrities
by the names they prefer.
Bobby de Niro, Sandy Bullock,
Eddie Jimmy Olmos.
There's no way
Edward James Olmos
- likes to be called "Eddie Jimmy.
"
- Mnh-mnh.
Wait.
I've got one.
Johnny Depp!
- Wait.
Explain the rules again.
- No.
- Hey, Dave, this one's on me.
(Brad) - Ohh! Hey, hey!
Waitress looks like
she wants a piece
of your downstairs goatee.
Could be a good way
- to get out of your dry spell, man.
- Guys, I'm not having a dry spell.
I'm just taking a break.
A break from what?
Women being attracted to you? (Dart clinks)
No, I just--I'm not thinking
about dating, you know?
I'm focusing on work.
The work of being
sexually unsatisfied?
All right, that one was
a little forced.
Maybe you should
force yourself on a girl.
I'm not good at these games.
Guys, it turns it is not
"the year of penny" after all.
Guys, it turns it is not
"the year of Penny" after all.
I didn't get that raise
I thought I was gonna get.
Oh, I put my gum in there.
Mm.
(Both gag)
You know what? Keep it.
- It sounds like you had a rough day.
- God, man,
- I really thought you were gonna get that.
- I know.
(Gasps) Ohh!
Do you know what you need?
A raise?
Isn't that why she's upset?
No, it is time.
It is time
for you to make a vision board.
- Oh, boy.
(Groans)
(Brad) - Come on.
What?
No, no.
No, no.
You know what?
It is a real thing.
You make a board,
and you put images
of what you visualize
for your life,
and then the universe
makes it happen.
It worked for me.
That's how I got Mr.
b-r-a-d.
Well, technically, she didn't
have me on the board.
It was just a picture of one of
the guys from "in living color.
"
Fly girls ♪
If a vision board is good enough
for Oprah and Jenny McCarthy,
it's good enough for me.
I'm doing it.
That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard,
and I have heard Dave try
to explain the housing crash.
All right, I-it was--
they took loans,
and they repackaged them,
subprime.
Uh, and it's a numbers game.
You just have to-- - oh, God.
See how stupid that is?
And these vision boards
are even stupider,
but if we're doing it,
we're doing it.
- Oh, we're doing it?
- Yeah, I don't wanna be left out.
Remember the time you guys went
to pick apples without me,
and you found
Ricki Lake's wallet?
Oh!
I still carry it.
So crazy.
She was one stamp away
from a free sandwich
at seven
different sandwich shops.
- Yeah, it was so sad.
- Yeah, it worked out for us, though.
I know.
We got
all those free sandwiches.
God, they were good,
weren't they?
So what does everyone have
on their board so far?
Well, I've been meaning
to reconnect
with some ladies in my life
that I've lost touch with,
so I cut out a picture
of happy women.
Ooh! Now why are they all
in leotards and drinking sanka?
My mom has a ton of "Redbook"
magazines from the '80s,
and I didn't want to tear up
my "us weeks.
"
Ah.
I'm also visualizing
a romantic, old-fashioned
gentleman.
Ooh!
(Squeals)
The kind of guy who will
buy you flowers and dinner
and look at you during sex.
Ah.
And if that guy
happens to be Parker,
the new hot bartender
at Rosalita's, I won't hate it.
Oh, I want all those things,
too,
except the "looking at me during
sex" part is probably not realistic.
Oh, yeah.
Ugh! Max, you are just
copying me!
What are you talking about?
No, I'm not.
I coincidentally also like Parker,
and coincidentally, I also want to be
a huge, successful career woman
with giant shoulder pads.
Max, if you are not gonna take
this seriously, leave.
I am taking this seriously!
Look!
I want one of these!
You want a wicker bassinet.
Yes! I want a whisker basket.
Say it correctly.
I want a w--a w--
a w--
okay, penny, ignore him.
These boards work.
Okay, Penny, ignore him.
These boards work.
The universe will give you
exactly what you deserve.
(Whispers) I promise.
(Normal voice) Hey, bo
where you going?
Headed back to the office.
I've gotta impress this new boss
in whatever way I can.
God, I'm having such
a difficult time
connecting with the guy,
you know?
It's like, none of
my usual charm works on him.
(Elevator bell dings) Oh.
(Stammers) Hey.
(Chuckles)
(Grunts rhythmically)
Shall we dance?
I hate dancing.
An office cannot function
without a "shall we dance?"
I mean, what's he gonna
crap on next,
"working hard-hardly working"?
He already did!
(Scoffs)
And I tried the "come here often?
" Bit at the urinal,
- and he was like, "a normal amount.
"
- No.
Oh, and I forgot the worst part.
The guy always has food
on his face.
I hate dancing.
Brad, if someone's got
food on their face,
you gotta tell 'em.
You have food on your face.
Just like that, man.
Power through.
Don't even think about how
it's affecting you--
- oh, I have food on my face.
- Yeah.
There's more.
I have more?
- There's more, man.
- Did I get it?
You got it.
Oh, wait.
There's some on your forehead.
- Did I get it?
- Earlobe.
- Clean?
- Yeah.
Neck.
You got it.
- Yep? Great.
- Yeah.
Okay, we have a cucumber salad,
fried squash blossoms,
truffle Mac,
roast chicken with garlic mash,
chocolate bread pudding-- extra
whip-- and strawberry sorbet.
That's me.
Four sets of utensils?
Three? Two?
Uh.
.
Oh, boy.
Sorbet's
really a palate cleanser.
Uh-huh.
(Dave) Hey, honey bunny.
Hey!
Happy 3-week anniversary!
Mmm.
Feels like only yesterday that
I was bitten by your tiny dog.
(Giggles) Oh.
Oh, my God.
- What?
- My ex-fiance has a girlfriend!
Oh, honey.
That'll be $67.
50.
(Brakes squeal)
Hey, man, thanks for the ride.
I cannot believe Jane crashed
our prius into a stop sign.
Aw, women be stoppin'.
Women be stoppin'.
Women be like, "stop,"
and men be like, "***,
we need to go!" (Laughs)
Please don't.
Yeah, that was not good.
Oh! It's my boss.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
(Speaks inaudibly)
Oh, my God! He really does have
a ton of food on his face!
You gotta tell him.
No way, dude! Are you crazy?
Ah, he's gonna think it's super
weird if he sees me in this thing.
Relax.
I just got
the windows retinted,
so sit back and enjoy
the anonymity.
Williams, is that you?
(Groans) How come he sees me?
I might have put the tint
on the wrong side of the window.
(Whispers) Idiot.
(Normal voice)
Good morning, Mr.
Forristal.
Is this you limo, Williams?
Uh well, you see,
women be stoppin'.
Because I like it.
Man!
I'm a collector of classic cars,
and this is gorgeous.
Yeah.
Walk with me, Brad.
You get one of these.
♪
Martini, extra olives.
How did you know
I liked extra olives?
Looks like someone's been paying
attention to my drink order, Parker.
No.
I'm sorry.
This isn't yours.
What are you drinking?
- Um, Martini, extra olives.
- Okay.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
I am making
zero impression on him.
I knew that vision board
was a stupid idea.
I shouldn't have done it.
It has only been 22 hours.
You cannot give up so easily.
What are you,
Lebron in the fourth quarter?
(Laughs) I don't know
what it means either,
but Brad--
Brad says it all the time.
So, Dave, what were
you doing last night?
Oh, nothin'.
Making the world a better place
through steak.
That's what you're going with?
Dave is not in a dry spell.
I saw him kissing a girl
in a restaurant.
(Brad, Penny, and Jane) Ohh!
So you were spying on me?
No.
No, I was just picking up
a normal amount of to-go food
for one person,
and I didn't eat half in the cab
and the other half in bed.
No one said you did.
Good, 'cause I didn't!
You could've told us about her,
you know.
You don't have to protect
my feelings.
I wasn't.
I just--I didn't want
any of you to know
because I knew you would all
want to meet her.
So?
Well, you're not
the most welcoming bunch.
I'm a special ed teacher,
foster dog mom,
and in my spare time,
I act out the Sunday comics
for blind children.
(Brad, penny, Jane, and Max)
Boo!
(Brad, Penny, Jane, and Max)
Boo!
That was 2010 us, okay?
Why don't you bring
your new girl over
- for dinner tomorrow night?
- I don't know.
We'll be on our best behavior.
I won't even show her
how I can to kick over
someone's head effortlessly.
You can?
Hey!
All right, but this is
your last chance.
Guys! Guys!
Look what I found
in that back alley
where I get my teeth whitened!
A whisker basket!
Say it right.
A wicker bassinet?
So now Max's ironic vision board
is coming true?
What are you gonna do
with that thing?
Top of my head, it seems like
a good dog bed for Mr.
Bojangly.
- We have a dog?
- Yeah, we have a dog.
You guys, guess what!
My vision board is coming true!
Oh!
Wow! Who sent you flowers?
The card says they're from
a secret admirer,
but I'm pretty sure it's Parker.
Well, whoever they're from,
board's working.
The universe is listening.
Okay, I gotta put these flowers
in water
because I want Parker to know
I can take care of nice things.
Yeah.
Ohh!
Look at how happy she looks!
Oh! Happy.
(Door closes)
What the hell are you doing?
W--I'm not doing anything.
You're the only person in
the world that sends flowers
from that florist/bike shop
next to your office.
No.
Lots of people use
pedal to the petal.
- Jane.
- Okay, fine.
So the universe wasn't moving
fast enough,
so I kinda just jump-started
her board.
Once you believe, good things
start happening on their own.
Like how Adrien Brody
became handsome,
or how like
Adrien Brody became handsome.
(Whispers) I am
weirdly attracted to him.
I just don't think
you should be doing
a bunch of stuff from her board.
It's bad jujubes.
That's all I did.
(Chuckles)
Although she might be getting
some letters from a few ladies
that she's lost touch with.
Wink, wink.
(Laughs)
(Whispers) I sent the letters.
I got it.
You need to stop, Jane.
You realize you're not
the universe, right?
I promise I won't do
anything else.
Okay? And for the record, I'm not
entirely sure I'm not the universe.
(Sighs) Thanks for coming
so quickly.
Yeah, man.
You know
I'd drop anything for you,
even if what I was doing was
photoshopping my HDD
onto rachael Ray's body,
then photoshopping that
onto a "time" magazine
that said "she-man of the year.
"
(Laughs) And let me tell you,
it looks very ***.
(Laughs)
Anyway, so here's deal.
Forristal was so into your limo,
which I still don't totally get
but I'm gonna
go with it anyways,
that he invited me to be part
of a major pitch this afternoon,
as long as
you'll drive us there.
- Cool.
- Cool!
Well, now that you guys
are so tight,
you might be able to tell him
about the food on his face.
I mean, it's the human thing to do.
Not the keeping-your-job
thing to do.
Hey, Mr.
Forristal.
Hey, good afternoon.
It's a great afternoon.
Oh.
Ahh.
Mr.
Forristal,
just so you know--
that'll be all, driver.
Chop-chop.
(Divider whirring)
Oh! You can't put
the divider up! That's my thing!
What does "chop-chop" mean?
Ow! Aah, my fingers!
My finger was not caught,
but I did want to discuss
something.
Are you hearing me?
Do you hear me?!
(Panting)
Ohh! Mwah!
Okay, you and your board
need to get a room
A board room.
Yes!
Everything on my board
is coming true.
That's great.
I even ran into Parker getting off
the train, and he asked me out!
Really? He was there,
randomly waiting for you?
I guess.
I don't know.
Anyway, he took me to my favorite
wine bar for a glass of Pinot,
and he's the first guy I've been with in
forever who didn't pronounce the "t.
"
The universe is
making it happen.
(Giggles)
It's not the universe, penny.
It's Jane.
It's not the universe, Penny.
It's Jane.
She did all of this, okay?
I mean, why do you think Parker
was just there waiting for you?
Huh.
Wow.
Regretting
that under the shirt stuff.
Ah! All right.
(Thud) Damn it.
(Imitates Southern accent)
Hello, miss Daisy.
Dude.
You're not gonna let me
at your fancy dinner party?
(Normal voice) You gonna put up
a glass partition,
separating me from your guests,
controlling who I can and can't talk to?
What else was I supposed to do?
You were gonna tell my boss
he had food on his face.
No, I wasn't.
I would never
do that.
Why would I do that?
Uh.
Because you're Max,
and you never shut up.
You always have to do
your whole Max thing.
Oh, my "Max" thing?
Yeah.
What, being funny
and surprising,
and people are like, "there's
Max.
Watch what happens.
"
Then other people are like,
"very funny.
"
And then other people are like,
"characters welcome.
"
Okay, those are
just the taglines
from Bravo, TBS, and USA.
You know what? Fine.
If you weren't gonna tell him,
then how were you gonna finish
that sentence, hmm?
"Mr.
Forristal,
just so you know"
"Oh, just so you know,
"this classic 1980s limo
which you seem to be so fond of,
"comes stock
with all of its original sodas.
So sit back and relax
and crack open ice-cold tab.
"
That's all you were gonna say?
Yeah.
The more you know.
(Sighs) Get my--can you get
the ice for me?
(Imitates Southern accent)
Oh, of course, Mr.
Brad.
- No, not
- I'll get your ice for you.
Wouldn't want any more pain
going into your soft hands,
Mr.
Brad.
(Exhales deeply)
Jane, the board is working
so well.
Mm!
Everything is coming true,
so I decided to add
some new stuff.
I want two first-class tickets
to Greece for this weekend,
and I wanna gain
also for this weekend.
What? I wanna look good
for my trip.
- That's quite a list.
- Yeah, but
I'm pretty sure it'll all come true,
'cause what I would hate is
to lose faith in the board.
Is the universe up
for all that, Jane?
Well, the universe
will probably, you know,
lie awake trying
to figure it out,
maybe develop some
stress eczema, but, yeah.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
I'm not worried.
(Doorbell rings)
Oh! Okay, this is Dave
and his new lady.
And remember, we are not gonna
be judgmental of Molly.
Molly is a fat ankle's name,
just so everyone knows,
but you won't
be hearing me say that
because I am the picture
of self-control.
Isn't that right, Brad?
Come on, dude!
Okay.
Hi, guys.
This is Molly.
Molly, this is-- the gang!
Hi!
(Laughs)
So great to meet you.
(Max) Molly is
such a beautiful name.
(Gasps) I love your boots.
Well, I'm so bad because
they were super expensive,
but I saved up for a long time,
and my dad is rich.
(Clatter) (Groans)
She's cute, isn't she?
- Yes.
- The boots are cute.
I want 'em.
They're going on the board.
Money's no object, right, Jane?
No! (Laughs) The universe
is gonna provide.
I had a hunch that you guys
were gonna get along,
just like I had a hunch about
that housing market crisis.
See, the problem is,
no one put any money down.
Oh, boy.
(Groans)
All right, I'm gonna
get working on these steaks.
I'm so excited
to finally meet you.
You guys are so hot together.
(Laughs)
(Laughs) - Well
- Although you're a bit of a skinny ***
for a black guy to be with.
Am I right, trick?
(Laughs)
Yeah! Oh! (Laughs)
Put some meat in them bones.
That's true.
Oh, you look tired.
Oh, my God.
You must be the gay guy.
Gay guys love me!
Don't worry.
We won't sleep together.
Yes, we will.
(Chuckles)
- You, me, and Mr.
jelly belly!
- Oh, I don't like the way this feels!
(Giggles)
Please don't do me.
Okay, Molly,
why don't you sit down?
And we will all go get you
a drink.
Wow, what a great starter home.
Love.
Super cute.
(Lowered voice)
She is horrible!
(Clenched teeth) Nightmare.
She is the worst.
Although
I really do like those boots.
I am still mad at you,
but right now I have
to prioritize my hate,
and it goes her,
cooked green peppers,
and then back to you, champ.
Maybe she's just nervous.
Guys, we promised Dave.
Let's just suck it up
and get through this.
Oh, my God! A vision board.
My mother made one of thee
in her divorced over 50 group.
I used to call it
her desperation board.
(Laughs)
(All laughs)
She did me.
I take it you're single, penny?
I take it you're single, Penny?
- She's gotta go.
- I knew it.
God, Molly is a nice, hot,
sweet, caring, hot person.
- You said "hot" twice.
- She is hot twice.
The other things were just words
I put in there
to spread out the "hot"s.
Whatever.
I'm having fun.
Give me a break.
Dave, she jellied my belly.
- You told me to bring her.
- We hate her.
(Scoffs) Well, clearly,
not everybody hates her.
Alex, my ex-fiancee, who has
more of a reason than any of you
to not like Molly,
is getting along just fine.
Look, they're like
Vaughn and Favreau in there.
Whatever.
You guys,
I knew you couldn't be nice
for just one night.
I think we should leave.
Come on.
(Penny and Max) Dave.
Dave.
(Brad) Come on, Dave.
We are bad, bad people.
(Groans)
(Inhales sharply)
Who wants some poutine?
- I do.
(Brad) - I do.
(Max) - I want some poutine.
(Nasal voice) - I want some.
- I want some.
- Hold up.
Hey, fella, I know we're
going through a rough patch
right now,
but my boss just texted me,
and he was wondering
if you could give him
a ride tonight.
- I don't know.
- Please?
(Sighs)
Please.
Pretty please
with you on top?
All right, all right,
all right, I'll do it.
But only to prove to you
that I can take one limo ride
without crazy Max
shooting off his mouth.
"Oh, there's crazy Max again,
shooting something off.
"What's he shooting off?
Probably his mouth
'cause he's crazy.
"
You know what?
I'll do it.
I won't make
a big deal out of it.
(Door closes)
Dude, you got food
all over your face.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yes, I wanted to go over
these reports.
- Everything look all right to you here?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Even the gigantic piece
of pancake on my face?
Gi--what? Pan--who?
Uh ahem.
I didn't even notice.
You didn't know that I always
have food on my face?
Yes, I did.
I just, uh,
thought it was a fashion choice
like, uh, leaving your tags
on hats.
Well, you should have
said something.
Luckily, someone else did.
(Singsongy) Uh-oh.
Burrito de breakfast
coming in hot.
(Laughs)
(Normal voice) What up, Brad?
Oh, Forristal,
try not to get any salsa
on your face, ya maniac.
(Laughs) I love this guy.
Max is exactly what we need
around here.
I'm tired of yes-men.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
Wait.
No.
What's the right answer?
(Cell phone ringing) Oh.
(Lowered voice)
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
He texted me, said,
"bring me breakfast burritos.
"
I said, "okay.
"
Hey, hon.
Oh, your plane just landed?
Oh, good.
No, I'll have someone
come get you.
You mind going?
- Yeah, no problem.
- No, no, no.
I meant Brad.
- Huh?
- Max just got his burrito.
S-sure thing.
I have a master's degree.
Absolutely.
(Keys jangle)
Oh, sir, you have, uh, little salsa
on your face, ya--ya maniac.
Well, you don't have to be
a jerk about it.
(Whispers) God.
- Hey!
- Hey!
What are you doing here?
Just, you know, dropping off
some sister stuff for Alex.
- Is that a new top?
- No.
You know, look what I just found
up here on the fridge.
Didn't you have
"go to Greece" on your board?
Yes, I did.
(Laughs)
Well, it's not two
first-class tickets to Greece.
It is one ticket
to a first grade production
of "grease 2.
"
Well, you know,
the universe is eons old
and sometimes
a little hard of hearing,
but I've heard
the Mayview Elementary Gazette
called Cody Libman the best
cool rider since Kyle Libman.
(Whispers)
Very talented family.
So this is one hot ticket.
- Well (Laughs)
(Sniffs) - What is that smell?
I don't know.
I don't know
what that smell could be,
but I think it's coming
from over here.
I'm smelling.
It's bringing me
over here to the--
oh, my God.
(Gasps)
Didn't you ask for that?
(Whispers) Unbelievable!
(Normal voice) Jane, everything
that I put on my board
is coming true.
(Whispers) Oh.
Do you remember when I put
"reconnect with ladies"
on there?
I--vaguely.
Just this morning
out of the crystal blue skies,
I get a letter
from my great-aunt Donna.
- Huh!
- What did she have to say?
A lot.
It was
a surprisingly long letter
given the fact
that she is dead.
(Gasps)
(Whispers) - A ghost.
(Whispers) - Yeah.
(Normal voice) Okay, I'm sorry,
Penny.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
but you don't have
to fix my life.
I'm doing fine.
I know you are.
I just want you to have
everything that you want.
I know, and it's very sweet
that you wanna do all this,
but you're not gonna bring
my aunt back to life,
and you can't make Parker
like me.
Parker?
You got him to ask me out.
No.
No, I didn't.
- You didn't?
- No!
Oh, my God!
The board works!
Aah! The board works!
I knew it! I knew it!
Except for the fact that
I thought you put him up to it
so I told him off!
I blew it!
No, no, you can un-blow it.
- I can un-blow it!
- Shh!
Some of us are taking naps.
Dave, what happened?
- Ugh.
I got tagged by a Latin gang.
- What?
I'm not really sure what it
says, but it can't be good.
- How do you know?
- The skull and ***.
Ugh.
Look, everyone feels bad
about what happened last night.
Yeah, they were so judgy,
except you.
Why were you so nice to Molly?
Because I know you guys
aren't serious,
and you're dating her
'cause she's hot, and I get it.
- Oh, you should see her naked.
It's--
- No.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I forget that
you're not a regular friend.
Look, Dave, you and I are always
gonna have a special thing,
and when I see you have
a special thing
with someone else
that's real and lasting,
I'm gonna be a total ***,
just FYI.
I look forward to that day.
(Chuckles)
Oh, man.
Another ***!
Wow, dude.
Who throws keys that hard?
I do.
After having to drive
Forristal's wife around Chicago
for six hours so she could finish her
book on tape-- "water for elephants.
"
Ugh.
Horrible.
I know.
I had just
started reading it.
- Look, Brad--
- What, Max? Hmm?
Do you have my job now?
Do we both pee in a fountain
or touch a magic skull
and then swap lives,
so now you get the nice house
and the hot wife and I gotta
sleep on an air mattress
and iron my clothes
with a toaster?
Okay, first of all,
everyone knows
that ironing is bad
for your clothes.
Secondly, Forristal kicked me
out of his office,
and third, that is not
an air mattress.
That is
a very high-end pool float--
wait, wait, wait.
Can we go
back to the second one?
Forristal asked me to be
honest with him, so I was.
I told him that you were
the smartest,
most hardworking guy I knew,
and next thing I know,
he kicked me out of his office.
Wait.
He kicked you out
for that?
Well, not really for that.
He agreed with me.
He thinks you're awesome.
Oh.
I more kind of
In a way
Misread a moment.
(Laughs)
You're a great guy, Max.
(Chuckles)
You, too.
(Groans) Yeah, I'm an idiot.
Dude, you're not an idiot.
No, I am.
I once ate
a winning lottery ticket.
(Grunts) Can't hold me.
- Sink it.
- Sink it.
- Sink it.
- Sink it.
- Hurt him.
Hurt him.
- Sink it.
Phylicia Rashad!
(Ball hits backboard)
Yeah, that was
Phylicia Rashad.
Yeah, it felt like
Phylicia would have done that.
All right.
So I'll call you.
I will be waiting by my phone.
(Chuckles)
(Muffled squeal)
He totally understood,
and he's so sweet.
He said
I was a raven-haired beauty,
and then I said, "that's
so raven," and he laughed.
Or coughed.
But either way,
I think he likes me,
and the craziest part is,
he has a vision board, too.
(Squeals)
Okay, okay, when are you
going out again?
Never.
(Scoffs) Like I would date
a guy with a vision board.
Yea, I know you would not
date a guy with a vision board
'cause it wasn't
on your vision board
to date a guy with a vision board
(Mutters mockingly)