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1
Oh, for God's sake.
"Planking" is a very stupid
and dangerous trend.
Basically you lie like a plank
in weird places.
That's it.
Sometimes you get run over.
Welcome to the Internet.
Planking is
one of those things where,
hey, you either get it
or you don't.
And I don't.
But I am so excited
to be a part of it.
- After you, my good sir.
- No, I insist.
The search committee
finally decided
after a lot of deliberation
on Robert California
for the manager position
Who took one look around
and left.
He drove down to Florida
and convinced Jo
to make him CEO.
CEO
Her own job.
He talked her out
of her own job
and I don't really know
how someone does that.
But, anyway, then the position
was his to fill
and he chose
It's unbelievable.
True, I might have been
the second choice,
but I was the first choice's
first choice.
And, about Dwight,
I sense that he might
have some resentment
about not getting the job.
So I sat him down
and we had a talk.
And I told him, "I need
a really strong number two.
I want you
to be my enforcer.
"
Smart, right?
Very smart.
- This has got to stop.
- I can't get down.
Ke-- Kevin!
Yeah, at first
I was really disappointed.
But I've got a great daily
routine going right now.
I've upped my karate
to eight times a week.
I've added boxing,
lunches and on weekends.
I do kickboxing
three times a week,
krav maga four times a week,
an hour of meditation
every morning at sunrise,
and again at sunset.
So yeah
I'm doing great.
Okay, I'm going to need
some help.
Pam?
I don't think I should.
Oh, yeah, pregnant.
Right here.
Little Michael Scott.
Nope.
I told you
I don't like that joke.
It is a boy--
We found out early.
Much different
the second time around.
And I have to say, it is nice
not being the only
pregnant woman in the office.
Look! It's, uh,
little pregs and big pregs.
Wait, when did we
start calling
Isn't it amazing,
the difference in our sizes?
Well, I am a few months
ahead of you.
I'm having a child
with my husband the senator,
and Pam is having a child
with Jim
The great salesman.
Hoist him aloft!
Come on, Darryl!
Lift, lift, Darryl.
Yeah, come on, man
Yeah, I wanted the manager job,
but I got something
much better
This soda.
This is mine.
It might be easier
if you take a deep breath,
lift from the knees,
and shove it up your butt.
I came up
with a new thing this summer.
I act like I'm telling someone
how to do something.
I go on with a long description
and then I say,
"and shove it up your butt!"
It's stupid,
but it's my thing now.
No one should be
planking at all.
Thank you.
Yes.
Dwight, my enforcer,
my number two,
can you take care of this?
Say no more.
Kids, don't try planking.
It's dangerous.
Especially with me around.
Trouble ♪
Trouble, trouble,
trouble, trouble ♪
Are you watching
that commercial again?
Why do you keep watching it
if you know it's
just going to make you cry?
Because everything
makes me cry,
so what's the difference?
And this dog
He just wants to protect
his bone.
He's got a bank vault,
that's a start.
Not enough, though.
All right.
The new CEO works
out of the conference room
about half the time.
But whenever he takes a break,
he does these weird walks
around the office.
And you never know
who he's going to zero in on
for these really intense
small talks.
You just hope it's not you.
And yet you hope it is you too.
It's strange.
Here we go.
- Hello.
- Robert California.
Let's have a conversation.
Describe your day so far.
Well, I woke up, and--
Erin, when you
recount your day,
never say you woke up,
it's a waste of your time.
That's how every day has begun
for everyone
since the dawn of man.
Very smart.
Very smart.
Suddenly
I was awake.
And I have a new thing--
- Hey, Robert.
We have that 9:30 A.
M.
casual chitchat scheduled.
I emailed you about it
last night to confirm.
And again this morning.
First item on the agenda--
Can I get everyone
an extra long
Columbus day weekend?
Item number two--
Connect with the guy.
Robert California--
What does he think of me?
Don't know.
Super care.
Number three, time permitting,
we lost our biggest client.
Uh, nope, I actually have that
on last month's order.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Yeah on that.
Pam! Pam! Psst!
Pam!
Come here.
- Look
- Jim!
Can I call you right back?
Thank you very much.
Okay.
What is this?
The Friday before
Columbus day-- Thoughts?
What are your thoughts?
Just making chitchat.
Kind of a medium year
for women's soccer, no?
See? I think that
What are you looking at?
It's-- it's nothing.
- Can't be nothing.
- Yeah, it can't be nothing.
It's just a list of our names
split into two columns.
What?
Okay, just wait
one second, all right?
I will copy it.
Do you have a pen?
- No.
- No.
Okay.
Um,
I'll take a photo of it.
Dwight, can you
throw me my phone?
Nice catch.
If he comes out, distract him.
We need a warning signal.
We don't need
a warning signal, Kevin.
I can see him right there.
We do!
- I promise you, we don't need--
- Warning! Warning!
Warning! Warning!
Phyllis!
- Oh.
- You okay?
Here, watch your neck.
- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
Thanks, guys.
Wow.
Okay.
What side of the list am I on?
- Left.
- Yes!
Why are you--
How do you know--
Really great list
of names, guys.
Thank you so much.
Good work.
Uh, no.
Actually, that was
in Robert's notebook.
He left it at reception
and we photocopied it.
O-oo-kay.
I don't want any part of this.
Maybe it's a list
of people he's going to fire.
Okay, it's not that, Pam.
You know, I was thinking
it reminds me
of those lists
Dwight used to make.
This is if we were all
on a cruise ship
and had to divide
into lifeboats.
And this is if we were
on a cruise ship
and had to divide
into life rafts.
Here's something.
Who would eat who
in alive situation.
No.
That can't be it.
I got to say,
kind of seems like
the left side's
the side to be on--
me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl.
No offense, Pam.
- No, I don't think so.
- Excuse me?
Shh! Pam, come on.
Don't be such a right-sider.
- Did you guys figure it out?
- We couldn't crack it.
Go in there and just ask
the man what it means.
He'll know that we looked
at his private notebook.
Come on, just say
you saw the list by accident.
I'm already working on this
Columbus day thing for you guys.
And it's starting to stack up--
feels like a lot.
One thing at a time.
That's all you had to do today,
is ask about Columbus day?
Yes-- for God's sake, Andy--
yes, come in.
What's up?
Weird thing
Totally awkward
But you left your notebook
on the reception desk
Great.
Thank you.
And--
It was open
And people saw this,
and they're just kind of
going nuts, and like
- What is this?
- Wondering what it is.
It's a photocopy
from your notebook.
You read my notebook,
and-- and photocopied it,
and distributed it.
No.
They did, and they asked me
to ask about it.
Please.
Here's what it is.
It's a doodle.
What?
Some people doodle at work
when they let their mind run.
They draw houses, penises
Funny how the houses
are always colonials,
and the penises
are always circumcised,
don't you think?
Well, I doodle too.
But I'm not an artist,
so I draw words and lists.
That is fascinating.
And by the way,
I am so glad I asked.
People were just sort of--
Did you just move my name?
Might as well have been
sketching a cube.
Okay.
Everybody think, quick.
What do these groups have in common?
Maybe we're supposed to do it
with people in our group.
That's not it.
- People in the other group?
- Mm-mm.
Still wrong.
Stanley, you do puzzles
all day.
What do we got?
Well, you take the first
letter from each name,
assign it a number,
add 'em all up,
and shove it up your butt!
- Thank you.
A little
much-needed comic relief.
But we really need
to figure this out, guys.
I know!
It's alphabetical.
No.
No, it's not.
Here's how we find out.
Let's line up,
and compare the line, see if
we learn anything, okay?
Left-siders, over here.
Right-siders line up over here.
Face each other.
Match up
by height and relative weight.
Let's just size
each other up here,
and left side of the list
Attack!
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
Will you stop?
Dwight! Dwight!
Go for it!
Stop, stop.
Warning! Warning! Warning!
I'd like to invite
the following people
to join me for lunch--
Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl,
Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
That's great!
Let's do this, guys!
All right.
Well, I will see you in a bit.
I love you so much.
Hey, it's nothing, all right?
Text you when we get there
and let you know
what's going on.
- Okay.
- No.
No dog video.
- Okay.
- Okay.
See you guys.
Well, we should
all be really excited
about our
Very own pizza party.
Pizza party!
Pizza party ♪
pizza party ♪
Jim, your daughter Cecilia--
What does she think
of the street?
- Uh, the street?
- Sesame Street.
Oh! I didn't know
anybody called--
She likes it a lot.
She, uh, loves elmo.
Elmo.
God save us--
The Elmo era.
- Right?
- Sesame Street was created
to reflect the environment
of the children watching it.
The complete self-absorption
of Elmo
is brilliantly reflective
of our time.
Ours is a cultural ghetto.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yeah.
She does like elmo.
"Cultural ghetto"?
Totally, totally agree.
- Completely.
- Apt.
Apt analysis, Robert.
The thing that I like
about elmo
is the tickling.
I should not be here.
I'm in the--
I was in the wrong--
I'mI'm sorry.
Uh, just picture me back there.
I-I was never here.
- Great group! Pizza party!
- How is this a pizza party?
Well, why don't you ask me again
when the five pizzas get here?
Yeah, well that's just pizza.
You need at least
one other element
for it to be a party.
Okay.
You guys ever had
Margarita pizza?
- What's that?
- Fresh tomato,
with a dollop
of mozzarella cheese.
- That's pizza.
- That's regular pizza.
You know, I feel
comfortable enough now
to ask you this question.
What made you pick
This group?
I just think you guys
are winners,
and I wanted to have lunch
with you.
Okay.
Aww.
Well, what about
the other guys?
- Losers? Come on.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on, come on.
- No.
Well
I guess I think they're losers.
Ah, I knew it.
Yes!
Probably shouldn't
have said that.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
Aha-oo! Their interpretation
of Margarita pizza.
Fans of classic pizza
will be psyched.
Oh, text from Jim.
"This is getting very weird.
Will explain later.
"
Oh, text from Kevin.
"Suck it, losers.
"
Okay, now clearing the obvious,
but doesn't the fact
that I'm in this group
make anyone feel
just a little bit better?
Oh, this crust is sharp!
I used to be young and cute
and sort of funny, and
I could do those cute,
little cartoons.
And everyone who came through
here was like
"Who's that receptionist?
I like her.
"
Now I'm just a fat mom.
Yeah.
And you take one look at me
and you're like,
"oh, loser.
"
Come here, Pam.
Chins up, okay?
Bad joke.
Look around this room.
Does this look
like a group of losers?
Seriously.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh!
Hey, guys, we had so much fun.
We had Margarita pizza.
We all hung out and got
to know each other better.
How was your lunch?
- It was excellent.
- Good times.
- Yeah? Yeah?
- Oh, we did.
It was the best time.
And you know what?
Now it's over.
Back to work everyone.
You too, Andy.
I knew it.
I just knew, my whole life,
that everyone
was wrong about me--
my parents, my teachers,
my friends,
the doctors--
everyone.
Well, that was certainly
an odd lunch.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Just--
just take the--
take the casserole
out of the--
- Loser.
- Take it out
of the refrigerator
and put it in the oven.
Uh, it'll be fine.
Just leave it in
for 20 minutes.
- Loser.
- Losers.
When I was a salesman,
I could just be like,
"not my job, not my prob.
I'm going to the warehouse
to Polish my ***.
"
Metaphorically, of course.
But now
It is my job,
and my prob.
Hi, Robert?
Can you come out here please?
It's really important.
Just wanted to
clarify something.
Some people here
are under the misconception
that some people
may be considered,
uh, let's say top-tier,
and others would be
Second-tier.
- I never said that.
Thank you.
Great.
I said "winners"
and "losers.
"
Is that what
you're talking about?
Oh, that might--
that actually might be
What I'm thinking of.
- Can you clarify that?
- Let me tell you some things
I find productive.
Positive reinforcement,
negative reinforcement,
honesty.
I'll tell you some things
I find unproductive.
Constantly worrying
about where you stand
based on inscrutable
social clues,
and then inevitably
reframing it all
in a reassuring way so that
you can get to sleep at night.
No, I do not believe
in that at all.
If I invited you to lunch,
I think you're a winner.
If I didn't, I don't.
But I just met you all.
Life is long.
Opinions change.
Winners, prove me right.
Losers, prove me wrong.
Whew!
Well, I guess that's that.
No.
No, no.
Andy, don't go in there!
I'm going in there.
I know that every time
I talk to you,
things just seem to get worse.
But, you don't know
these people and I do.
And if I let you work
with faulty information,
well then I'm not doing my job
as regional manager.
SoPlease take this pen
and change your list.
I'm not going to change
my list, Andy,
and I don't use ballpoint pens.
Well, then
I will make a new list for you.
Stanley--
You may think
he's a lazy grump,
but did you know that he has
the most consistently high
sales numbers of anyone
in this office?
And you may think
he's hard to love,
but did you know
that he's in, not one,
but two long-term
romantic relationships?
I did not know
about the sales figures.
Meredith Palmer,
supplier relations--
The word "no,"
not even in her vocabulary.
And just to show you that
I'm being fair, you had Gabe
in the loser column.
I think that is
Astute.
Good call.
Pam-- Easily
the most creative
and kind person
I have ever worked with.
Jim, shut the door.
This is just gross.
Shh!
Erin Hannon-- The receptionist
and my closest confidante--
a winner if there ever was one.
I like my new group.
I liked my old group.
- Are we done?
- Yes.
No.
The Friday before Columbus day
we're going to take
a half-day
so that everyone can get a jump
on the long weekend.
You want a 3 1/2 day weekend
for Columbus day.
Yes, I do.
And you are aware
that Columbus and his legions
committed genocide against
an entire civilization
of native Americans.
I don't care.
Hey, guys!
So Columbus day-- We got
that half-day on Friday.
We get that every year.
Well, you got it this year too.
- Good night, Andy.
- Good night.
Good-bye.
Good night, Andy.
- Good night.
- Good night.
All right, I'm going
to go warm up the car.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, uh, you dropped something!
Jim!
Okay, I know I've been crying
easily today, but
I mean, that's just
pretty killer, right?
I mean, maybe it's stupid.
No.
It's wonderful.
I'm gonna frame it.
I can always unframe.