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narrator: Tonight...
stand back.
commentator: See you later !
Get over here !
narrator: Dangerously stupid
criminals are on the prowl.
commentator: They got cameras
everywhere, dude !
narrator: They think they can
take what they want.
commentator: Oh, we got
"Nine 1/2 Weeks" ?
Yeah, that's-- that's cool.
narrator: Whenever they want it.
commentator: Oh,
this stupid lock !
narrator: 20 of the dumbest
criminal acts.
commentator: You son
of a *** !
narrator: Featuring our
eagle-eyed celebrity
commentators.
Tonya: That's the ***.
That's him, right there.
( crickets chirping )
It's truTV Presents...
World's Dumbest Criminals."
commentator: Coming through !
narrator: It all starts now.
commentator: I said
( police siren blaring )
narrator: In Georgia,
a man enters a bank
and hands the teller a note
demanding money.
commentator: Hey, read this
note, do what it says.
Okay, sir, here's the money,
take it.
narrator: The robber stuffs
the cash in his pants,
then escapes through the parking
lot of a fast-food restaurant,
unaware that there is a dye pack
hidden in the cash.
commentator: What ?
Yo, man, getting hot.
What the hell ?
What's this pink stuff ?
What the hell's going on
in here ?
Oh, man !
Oh, my cheese !
There's pink on my cheese, man !
What's going on ?
My pants is burning up !
( coughing )
Why is my crotch so hot ?
What the--
Get out of here, pink cloud !
Nuisance !
( coughing )
Oh, man, it's ruined !
( coughing )
Brad: Oh, God, it's like
a unicorn farted.
( bleep )
commentator: This is a new pair
of jeans, too !
Daisy: A little tip I've learned
after watching several hundred
of these clips.
Don't put the dye pack
near your balls.
commentator: My crotch is
exploding, man !
Daisy: Boom goes the dynamite.
Ow, ow, ow !
commentator: My crotch burning !
What's up ?
What did I do last night ?
narrator: The robber
remains at large.
Natasha: So, yes,
I'd like to pay for that--
Oh, don't--
Just ignore that.
You know, let me get you one
that doesn't have that.
Oh, they all have that.
Well, you know,
just ignore that.
You know us ladies with our
pink explosions.
narrator: Three men approach a
bank's automated-teller machine
with canisters of oxyacetylene.
commentator: Yeah, real nice
and tight with gas.
Come on back here.
Place 'em real close, mates.
narrator: They introduce
the highly flammable gas
into the ATM.
commentator: All right,
let's get out of here quick !
Let's go, come on !
( explosion )
Daisy: Oh, yeah,
it's the perfect crime.
We blow up an ATM
and then we blow up the money
so no one can tell what
we stole, right ?
commentator: Where's the money,
mate ?
narrator: Despite the explosion,
the ATM remains intact,
so the thieves resort
to brute force.
commentator: Get
the sledgehammers !
Hammer it !
Hammer it good !
I am hammering, mate !
I am hammering !
I'm hammering !
Brad: You started with the most
complex idea ever
and then reverted back to,
"You know, let's just get
"something big and heavy
and *** into it."
commentator: Grab the money, get
out of here, get out of here !
Quiet-like !
Mike K.: Did they even make
any money ?
They spent a ( bleep )load
of money.
Tanks, hoses, sledgehammer.
That cool zip-up jacket.
commentator: Before anyone
notices, let's go, let's go,
let's go.
Michael: What should we do
with our $25 ?
Well, we owe the rental place
18.50,
so now we can go split a Coke.
commentator: Hold up, mates.
Come on !
I'm getting the equipment.
Whose plan was this, anyway ?
narrator: The men take off with
an unspecified amount of cash,
or possibly just
a lot of confetti.
Leif: How are you gonna spend
blown-up money ?
Todd: First of all,
you need a lot of Scotch tape.
Tonya: Oh, sorry.
You know, my-- my dog grabbed
'em and stuff and I was kinda
smokin' and, you know,
he ate 'em.
And you know, just here you go.
Oh.
Oh.
Um...
man: Ten is...
20.
Tonya: Oh.
commentator: Yeah, hello.
I'd like all the money
in your register, please.
Right now.
Kevin: It's a stick
with a nail in it.
That weapon was outdated
in medieval times.
commentator: Are you serious
with that thing ?
Get out of here.
I'm serious,
don't make me angry.
I'd like all the money
in your register, please.
Bryan: Look, when you put nails
in a board, that's a very
intimidating weapon.
commentator: Don't mess
with me !
This is very pointy !
Bryan: But how about dressing
the part ?
Michael: A white guy with his
button-up shirt
and his white socks.
He's like, late for
a Jimmy Buffett concert.
commentator: Are you serious
with that thing ?
Get out of here.
I said--
Gimme that !
Get out of here !
No !
No !
Tom: If you're gonna rob
a store, you have to find
a better weapon.
commentator: Don't hit me
with the nail !
They're rusty !
Tom: And you also have to be
better at holding
onto the weapon.
commentator: How's that feel ?
Judy: He got nailed,
ladies and gentlemen.
That's right.
commentator: Man.
Crazy, crazy people.
What is that guy thinking,
coming in with a board
and a nail ?
All right, what do I gotta do ?
That's right, stock cigarettes,
put soda in the case
and count the cash.
Hey, what's up, you guys open ?
Yeah, what's up ?
Can I help you ?
Can I get a pack of smokes ?
Brad: He goes back to work.
I don't go back to work
if there's a fire drill.
commentator: Okay !
Gimme that !
No !
Get out of here !
Mike T.: That's
employee-of-the-month material.
commentator: Oh !
narrator: Coming up...
commentator: Start it up.
narrator: Not-so-sly
car thieves.
commentator: Oh, ( bleep ).
This car's a lemon.
This one's good here.
Oh, I'll check it out.
Kevin: If you enter and then
quickly leave every car
in a parking lot,
you look suspicious.
narrator: Plus, an angry
homeowner hears a genius excuse
when he catches a thief
red-handed.
man: Somebody invited me
over here.
Danny: "Somebody invited me
over here."
Well, certainly not the guy
beating your face in.
narrator: And, Daniel Baldwin
grills a suspect.
Daniel: I gotta be honest
with you.
I don't have much patience
for *** like you.
narrator: When "World's Du
narrator: Stay tuned
for all that,
plus the number-one
dumbest criminal in the world.
narrator: Liverpool, England.
Two car thieves
case a parking lot.
commentator: That's a nice car,
ain't it ?
narrator: They quickly opt
for a sporty coupe and set out
to hot-wire it.
commentator: Here we are.
Let's give this a try.
All right, then, whatever.
One wire there.
This wire here.
You rub 'em together and--
You hear anything ?
It's not working, is it ?
Chelsea: And, guys,
take your time.
commentator: Yeah,
something's wrong here.
All right.
And...
Hang on.
Brad: Yeah, guys,
just a quick question.
Have you been in a car ?
Like, ever ?
commentator: Start 'er up.
Start 'er up.
( engine failing )
It's not working.
You said you knew
what you were doing.
Yeah, I know what I'm doing.
Mike T.: They're making a movie
based on this called
"Gone in 28 Minutes."
commentator: Oh, ( bleep ).
This car's a lemon.
You picked a bad one,
didn't you ?
Billy: These men
are educated consumers.
They are shopping for a car
to steal.
commentator: Oh.
This one's good, yeah ?
I'll check it out.
Kevin: If you enter and then
quickly leave every car
in a parking lot,
you look suspicious.
commentator: I know
what I'm doing, then.
Oops.
What's that, then ?
Tom: Nothing makes you look like
a less credible car thief
than you accidentally turning on
the windshield wipers.
commentator: Oh, yeah.
Here we are.
Oh, blimey,
there's the coppers !
Come on, buckle up, let's go !
Gun it !
Never mind my seat belt, go !
Todd: As soon as he gets it,
woop woop !
Police come right behind 'em.
commentator: Thieves !
Both of you !
Pull over !
Cease and desist !
Pull over, you're under arrest !
By Her Majesty's command !
narrator: Thanks to the
determination of police,
the pursuit comes to an end just
outside the parking-lot gate.
Danny: Not a good evening
for these two.
What are they,
the over-the-hill gang ?
It's just the stupidest
car thieves in the world.
commentator: Come on, then !
Go, go, go !
Oh !
Oops.
***.
narrator: Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.
Residents in this quiet suburb
are being terrorized
by a crime wave.
Items of clothing are missing,
including underwear.
( gasps )
Everyone wonders what deviant
pervert could be behind
the string of thefts.
Homeowner Judy Waring has an
idea who might be responsible:
her cat, Jack.
Judy W.: It's his fetish.
He collects clothing,
mainly at night.
Gap sun hat, child's.
These speak for themselves.
Designer shorts, lined,
which I may decide to keep.
Mike T.: I thought that I had
all the reasons I needed
to hate cats.
Now I have an extra one.
They steal ( bleep ).
narrator: Judy hangs the stolen
clothes up for neighbors
to reclaim.
Brad: There's 27 pairs of
gloves, a sun hat
and some underwear.
Uh, why do I feel like this cat
is a drag queen ?
commentator: Me-ow !
Judy W.: It's so dressy
and nice.
I tried it on once
and I looked really wonderful.
I'm hoping Jack brings
the other one home.
Michael: Yeah, show of hands.
How many people think
it's not the cat ?
Bing.
Matt: I wonder what it would be
like if police had to take Jack
downtown for questioning.
Daniel: So, Jack,
I gotta be honest with you.
I don't have much patience
for *** like you.
You give felines a bad name.
Got a list of charges here
for you, Jack.
Stealing undergarments
from innocent neighbors.
Causing innocent grannies
to go braless.
Are those tears I see
in your eyes, Jack ?
Are you crying ?
Don't be a ***, Jack,
even if you can't help it.
narrator: Despite threats of
nine life sentences,
Jack refuses to cop a plea.
Chelsea: Huh.
I guess cats aren't boring
pieces of ( bleep ).
narrator: And now,
"The Smoking Gun Presents..."
Calvin: Hi, this is
Calvin Collins and I had
a run-in with a dumb criminal.
I was power-washing my house.
I went to go get some Windex
from downstairs,
and soon as I got downstairs,
there was a guy in my house.
So as I got close, he tried to
make his move and run,
and that's when I clocked him.
Jaime: Thank God
for this man's wife,
who has the presence of mind
not only to call the police,
but to make sure the whole
thing's on tape.
Mike T.: If I saw that guy
working on the roof,
I would not be like,
"Oh, this looks like a guy
I should ( bleep ) with."
No.
woman: We upstairs doing our
laundry--
Oh, my God.
Danny: "Somebody invited me
over here."
Well, certainly not the guy
beating your face in.
Roger: Why not just tell 'em
you play center field
for the Yankees ?
Todd: And one of 'em is
breaking and entering.
woman: Thank you.
Mike T.: Can I call my wife ?
Can I go get some fresh air ?
Can I check my Facebook status ?
Just real quick.
Tom: Why is he married
to his uncle's wife ?
It's not cool.
Daniel: Hey, hang on a second,
I got another call.
Hello ?
Yeah ?
Yeah, he's married to my wife.
Uh-huh.
Seems a little weird, I know,
but it works
for the three of us.
narrator: The suspect is
arrested for attempted robbery.
Calvin: Never leave
your doors unlocked.
narrator: Two men approach
a storefront in Texas.
( glass breaking )
commentator: No alarm, go !
narrator: If they'd cased
the joint, they'd know it's
a video-surveillance store...
with 17 security cameras.
Leif: It's a surveillance store,
it's a spy store.
You think they're not gonna
have cameras ?
commentator: It's amazing, a spy
store with no alarm system.
These people are so stupid.
What's that blinking light ?
Mike T.: Which store
should we rob ?
Oh, I know.
Maybe "Cameras pointed at our
stupid faces R us."
commentator: They got cameras
everywhere, dude.
Even mounted on the walls !
Don't take those,
I got more stuff over here.
Bryan: Why not rob a police
station while you're at it,
huh ?
commentator: We got headphones.
We got spy cameras.
What else we got here ?
Nick: These guys were on camera
more than I have been in
22 years of show business.
commentator: Shh,
keep it quiet !
Chuck: The police could have cut
together, like, a Coppola film
with as many angles as they had
on these two.
commentator: I love the smell of
*** in the morning.
What the ( bleep ) are you
talking about, dude ?
We could make a movie
with all these cameras.
Tonya: That's right,
there's a camera there.
There's a camera over there.
There's a camera over there.
commentator: Dude,
you know what's crazy ?
We're undercover in a spy store.
Quit messing around,
let's get out of here.
Jaime: If they were smarter,
they would have stolen
the security cameras
that were filming them.
narrator: The two suspects are
easily identified and convicted
of burglary.
They're now stealing
the spotlight in another
security facility.
commentator: Dude,
can you hear me ?
What ?
They got cameras here just like
they did at that spy store.
I'm gonna take it.
Oh, you stupid ( bleep ).
narrator: Coming up, nothing is
off-limits for shoplifters,
not even a skunk.
Brad: Ma'am, it's not a pack of
breath strips, it's a mammal !
narrator: Plus...
commentator: D'oh !
Son of a *** !
Roger: Why not go through
the door you broke ?
narrator: And later...
commentator: Hey !
Come back here !
Danny: Every time I've ever been
to a courtroom,
I've never liked the sentence,
but I never thought,
"I know, I'll just start
running laps."
commentator: Gotta go !
Coming through !
narrator: Stay tuned
for all that,
plus the number-one
dumbest criminal in the world.
narrator: A couple enters
a pet store in Sarasota,
Florida.
commentator: Hey, hello, sweets.
Oh, let's see.
Ooh, here it is.
Come here, sweet little skunk.
Hey.
Bryan: Baby skunks are so cute.
Mm !
commentator: Okay, come with me.
Over here, let's see.
And let's just put you
inside my bag.
Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Brad: Ma'am, it's not a pack of
breath strips, it's a mammal !
commentator: Keep it down,
keep it down.
narrator: Store owners
call the police...
commentator: I got the skunk.
narrator: ... as the baby skunk
is hypoglycemic
and in need of special care.
Brad: You stole
a hypoglycemic skunk.
What, were they out of donkeys
with restless-leg syndrome ?
Michael: I've got to tell you,
even though I cannot spray
the poopy-pee smell,
my blood sugar is--
she's all ( bleep ) up.
I need some insulin.
narrator: The skunk-napper's
boyfriend returns
the sugar-starved critter
three days later.
commentator: Uh, yeah.
There's something wrong
with this skunk.
It's depressed or something.
Take it back.
Danny: It's a ( bleep ) skunk.
How about you let it go ?
Who returns it to the store ?
Of course you're gonna
get busted.
narrator: The woman is charged
with grand theft
while her boyfriend is booked
as an accessory.
Tom: I think the most surprising
thing about this
is that a skunk costs $400.
I would have thought those would
have cost, like, zero.
Chelsea: As soon as that skunk
was returned,
they set him up with some
Snickers bars and a Coke,
and everything was back
to normal.
But he still cries himself
to sleep at night.
commentator: I miss
Mommy's purse.
Chuck: 9-1-1,
what's your emergency ?
Really ?
No, really ?
Hold on.
Hi, I'm Chuck Nice.
And, you know, as a 9-1-1
operator, I get a lot of
emergency calls,
but listen to the request that
this man in St. Augustine,
Florida, recently made,
and you decide if it's
a legitimate emergency.
Priceless.
Turns out that our 9-1-1
operator called the man back
after they were disconnected
and convinced him to pull over
at a convenience store
off of I-95.
When he got there,
deputies were waiting to
give him his police escort...
directly to jail.
The Lil' Wayne fan was arrested
for making a false 9-1-1 call.
narrator: It's 4:00 a.m
in Damascus, Oregon,
and this bar is locked up tight
for the evening.
commentator: Right.
Let's see what we got in here.
narrator: The thief heads
straight for the register.
commentator: You're coming home
with me.
Like taking candy from a baby.
Chuck: Turns out
the cash register was empty.
Kevin: You have to check that
they have cash first.
Otherwise you just have a really
nice-looking machine
to put all your no money in.
commentator: Big score.
So easy.
Just get it out.
Drafty.
Roger: As if stealing the cash
register isn't insulting enough,
he moons the security camera.
That is so wrong.
Michael: I guess you could say
both drawers are empty.
( rimshot )
commentator: Chilly in here.
Bryan: What is with these
criminals ?
Tuck it in.
Tie it up.
It's just easier to commit
the crime.
Judy: You know what
I'm thinking ?
Jack the cat
stole his underwear.
commentator: Mmm, delicious.
Oh, yeah.
That was--
Damnit !
Matt: And to top it all off,
he trips and falls
in the parking lot.
Way to go, guy.
narrator: Thanks to
the surveillance footage,
the thief is arrested
and charged with
criminal mischief and burglary.
Jaime: I don't wanna see
the police lineup for this one.
Tonya: That's the ***.
That's him right there.
Yep, yep.
Yeah, that's his ***.
commentator: Can't get out.
narrator: This thief in Lincoln,
Nebraska, also craves
a cash register.
commentator: Oh, yeah !
Ha ha ha !
narrator: But when he finds one,
he can't seem to open it.
commentator: Come on !
Screw it.
narrator: So he grabs a few
smaller items
and heads for the exit.
commentator: D'oh !
Son of a *** !
Roger: Why not go through
the door you broke ?
Leif: Doing !
Duh.
commentator: Stupid door !
Mike K.: There's a 50% chance
that the one he came in
is the one he's gonna go out,
and he picked the wrong one.
commentator: D'oh !
Show you !
Forget it,
I'll go through this hole.
Natasha: Hey, you know what ?
At least he kept his shorts on.
commentator: I'll show you !
narrator: Coming up, shoplifting
with a toddler in tow.
Chelsea: Babies are such
precious props and decoys
in criminal activity.
commentator: But, Mommy,
what about the jeans in
the bottom of the stroller ?
Shh, it's okay.
narrator: And later,
a thief who can't get enough
Hollywood blockbusters.
commentator: Y'all ain't got
no good DVDs, man.
I'm going over somewhere else.
Chuck: He put so many DVDs in
the bag that when he puts it on,
he, like, almost falls backward,
like, oh, hey.
narrator: Stay tuned
for all that,
plus the number-one
dumbest criminal in the world.
narrator: In an Arizona
parking lot, a slow-moving car
comes close to
hitting a pedestrian.
( honk )
commentator: Excuse you.
Hello.
What happens if I walk over here
in front of you ?
Oh !
He hit me !
You see that ?
I didn't hit you.
Get a life.
narrator: Quick as a flash,
the victim reaches
for her cell phone.
Chuck: Worst scam artist ever.
Daisy: What are my injuries ?
commentator: Oh, he hit me !
You see that ?
Daisy: They are the injuries
you would get if someone hit you
with a vehicle !
Brad: You know she's gonna get
to the hospital, too.
They're gonna be like,
"Okay, ma'am.
"Good news is your leg
"is not broken.
"The bad news is you appear
to be full of crap."
woman: Yes, I'm injured.
Yes, I need medical attention.
Tom: If you're gonna, like,
pretend to get hit by a car,
you can't wait, like,
five minutes to lay down
on the ground.
narrator: Police and EMS workers
arrive on the scene.
commentator: Yeah, I'm hurt.
My leg and my foot and my head
and my neck and my back.
Hit my pelvis.
He hit me all over.
narrator: After further
questioning...
commentator: I'm injured !
narrator: ... and a review of
the surveillance footage,
cops arrest the woman and charge
her with false reporting.
woman: This man just hit me !
He hit my leg and my foot !
narrator: This car thief
in British Columbia, Canada,
knows how to hot-wire a vehicle.
What he and his accomplice
don't know is that the vehicle
is a bait car.
Kevin: There's nothing worse
than a backseat getaway driver.
Danny: Ram him !
Turn right !
Judy: I'm the one driving
the car, okay ?
Billy: This passenger
has a career as
a motivational speaker.
Michael: "We own this city !"
"Where are we ?"
"I don't know."
That's such--
You can't write that.
narrator: The two men manage to
escape from police that night,
but are soon apprehended, thanks
to the hidden-camera footage.
The driver gets
two years in jail.
Natasha: This is really
tarnishing Canadians' image
of being the nicest,
most boring people
on the planet.
Sorry, my Canadian friends.
narrator: At the DMV
in Brooklyn,
an elderly lady goes to renew
her driver's license
with her nephew.
commentator: Gotta get
my new driver's license.
Gotta make sure all my IDs--
ahem--
ID is up-to-date.
Todd: Something don't look quite
right with that white lady
in the wig.
Nick: Hands like *** Butkus.
commentator: Current ID
is so important.
I need it at the bank when I--
when I cash my
Social Security checks.
You see, dear, you don't want
anyone posing as me.
Judy: Okay, is it me,
or does she have an excess
amount of facial hair ?
narrator: No one notices
anything strange,
but a tip from the woman's
suspicious landlord
prompts an investigation
by the Brooklyn DA,
leading to the startling
discovery that the "woman"
is actually a man.
Thomas Prusik-Parkin posed as
his deceased mother
for six years to collect her
Social Security checks.
commentator: As soon as I get my
brand-new driver's license--
license-- it's off to the bank
to cash my
Social Security check.
Natalie: One question.
Did he run a hotel
with his mama ?
Tom: This guy makes Norman Bates
look like he has his
( bleep ) together.
commentator: Thank God
the government gives us our
checks so--
it's really help-- helpful.
Auntie, you sound funny today.
She's got a real bad cold.
narrator: The cross-dressing
con artist stole more than
$115,000 from
the American taxpayers.
Kevin: I haven't made $115,000
in six years posing as me.
commentator: Prusik-Parkin
and his accomplice are indicted
on 47 counts of grand larceny,
forgery and conspiracy.
They each face up to 25 years
in prison.
Leif: This is like
my mother's age and my age.
This isn't a sign of things
to come, is it ?
commentator: Thank God the
government gives us our checks,
so-- it's really help--
helpful.
narrator: A young mother
with a toddler browses
the denim section
at an Illinois department store.
commentator: Ooh,
these are nice.
I'm gonna take some of these
and a couple of these.
narrator: She takes a few pairs
of jeans and stashes them
under her child's stroller.
Michael: Let's learn
how to count.
How many jeans
is Mommy stealing ?
One and two and three and four
and five.
commentator: Mommy,
you got five pair of jeans.
That's right, I do have five
pairs of jeans, and I'm gonna
take one more.
Mike T.: Hey, quality time with
the kids is quality time
with the kids.
commentator: Hey, let's go
try on these jeans.
Yeah, you wanna go to
the dressing room with Mommy ?
narrator: The woman heads for
the dressing room.
commentator: Oh, well,
none of them fit.
narrator: When she comes out,
her jacket is strategically
placed over the pants.
commentator: Hey, time to head
home, sweetheart.
But let's just buy this one pair
of jeans first.
But Mommy, what about the jeans
in the bottom of the stroller ?
It's okay.
She just loves when I buy jeans.
Say bye to the nice lady.
Brad: Ma'am, you just shoved
400 pairs of Levis
into your stroller.
Don't buy one pair.
It's not gonna throw 'em
off the scent.
Chuck: Look, everyone,
I'm making a purchase.
Clearly, I am not a shoplifter.
commentator: Okay, let's go
home, honey.
Let's go, we're going straight
to the car and straight home.
narrator: As the woman leaves,
a man helps her out the door...
commentator: Let me get that
for you, ma'am.
Oh, you're so sweet, thank you.
narrator: ... only to reveal
himself as a plainclothes
officer.
commentator: This is my partner.
You just come with us.
I have not stolen anything.
You guys, you are so funny.
I can't believe you think
I took something.
I'm sure it's all a big
misunderstanding.
narrator: Security finds
over $250 worth of jeans
in the stroller.
The woman is arrested
and charged with theft.
Danny: There should be a special
place in hell for people
who use their children
to help commit a crime.
Then I realized there is
a special hell for those people.
It's ending up on this show.
Ha ha, lady.
narrator: Coming up...
commentator: Why is it so hard ?
narrator: Too weak for the job ?
commentator: Come on !
Bryan: Just take a bolt-cutter
class.
Judy: And push and back
and push.
And we're gonna do this about
5,000 times.
narrator: Plus, deception
at the diner.
commentator: Hey,
I saw what you did.
You took that lady's wallet.
What's that ?
Oh, shoot.
Is this your wallet ?
Wait, is that my wallet.
I found it in my hands
all the sudden, I had no--
I'm sorry, see you later.
Tom: Come on, dude,
you're a criminal.
Show some backbone.
narrator: Stay tuned
for all that,
plus the number-one
dumbest criminal in the world.
narrator: A car circles
a near-empty parking lot
in Florida.
commentator: Here we go.
narrator: The driver
finally stops
right next to a locked trailer
full of lawn equipment.
commentator: ( grunting )
Leif: He took an awful long time
sitting there with
the bolt cutters, like--
( grunting )
commentator: Come on !
Damnit !
Bryan: Just take
a bolt-cutter class.
They're on-line, I'm sure.
Ted: This is what ***
was invented for,
when you need a quick burst of
superhuman strength,
to withstand a Tasering
or bust open a trailer.
Angel dust, dude !
commentator: Why is it so hard ?
narrator: The weak-armed robber
is interrupted by
an alert security guard.
commentator: Hey, you there !
Stop that !
Oh, hello.
See you later.
narrator: Police later
track down the culprit
and arrest him
for attempted burglary.
Danny: Don't let this happen
to you.
Live up to your full
criminal potential using
the Danny Bonaduce method.
Todd: Bam !
Roger: Ripped !
Tonya: Slam it down.
Danny: We can train.
Judy: And push and back
and push.
And we're gonna do this
about 5,000 times.
Danny: Motivate.
Michael: Come on, *** !
Come on !
Grunt one out !
Danny: And mock you into shape.
Natasha: Hey, buddy.
Why don't you go steal some
free weights, come back when
you're in shape ?
Maybe then you could clip
the thing with the cutters.
narrator: The Danny Bonaduce
method.
It might be the difference
between this kind of criminal...
commentator: Stupid lock !
narrator: ... and this kind
of criminal.
narrator: Happy Valley, Oregon.
Five men enter a video store.
commentator: What's up, man ?
You checking stuff out ?
Yeah, man, it's all good, man.
Just keep a lookout, man.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Billy: How many copies of
"Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
do you need ?
commentator: We got
"Nine 1/2 Weeks."
That's just as cool.
Six DVDs.
"Scarface," what else ?
Chuck: He put so many DVDs in
the bag that when he puts it on,
he, like, almost falls backward,
like, oh, hey !
commentator: Y'all ain't got
no good DVDs, man.
I'm going over somewhere else.
Tom: I just hope those were
good movies that those guys
were stealing DVDs of.
Like, I hope it wasn't,
like, some crappy
Danny Bonaduce movie.
Or a Leif Garrett movie.
Or Todd Bridges movie.
narrator: As the men exit
with dozens of DVDs,
security officers intervene.
commentator: What ?
Hey, pal, where you going ?
See you later !
Get over here !
Come here !
You're not gonna catch me, man !
Get back here !
I didn't take nothing, man !
We seen you with them DVDs !
I'm running, man !
Wait up !
Where you going ?
I'm gonna watch my movies, too !
Todd: They should have trapped
the dude before he got
all the way out the store
and started running,
because when dude got outside,
he was gone.
commentator: I didn't steal
nothing, man,
but I am gonna be watching
movies tonight !
narrator: Thanks
to the security-camera footage,
within 24 hours,
all five are arrested.
Mike T.: I hope
while they were in there,
they made sure to grab, like,
a few seasons of "Oz."
Maybe
"The Shawshank Redemption."
Kind of let them know what
they're in store for.
commentator: Bye !
Come back here, you punk !
See you in DVD land, man !
narrator: A man enters
a convenience store in Florida.
commentator: Yo, it's a stickup.
Oh, my God !
narrator: Flashing a gun,
he demands money from the clerk.
commentator: Hurry up !
narrator: But when he goes
behind the counter...
Tom: Finally,
a thief with a heart of gold.
Todd: He kept apologizing.
"I'm so sorry.
Let me get you a seat."
Roger: What's with all
the compassion here ?
narrator: The gunman allows
the clerk to call an ambulance.
Bryan: Yeah, I know you're
having a heart attack,
you can use the phone,
just don't tell 'em I'm here.
Don't tell 'em I'm robbing you
and I'm the cause of it.
I appreciate that.
Jaime: Hello, I'm-- I'm being--
but I am having a heart attack.
Richie: No one will hire him
because on his resume,
under "special skills,"
he listed "robbery."
narrator: The considerate
criminal doesn't wait
for the ambulance.
He flees with $30
and a carton of cigarettes.
The clerk recovers
and returns to work,
thanks to the EMS workers,
and perhaps, the kindly crook.
narrator: Moe's Restaurant in
Forest Acres, South Carolina.
A man enters and spots a woman's
open purse lying on the floor.
commentator: Take a seat here.
Here you go, baby.
You want more fries ?
Get myself comfortable.
Let's see here.
Judy: He's really suave.
Really not suspicious at all.
Hey, I'll sit at this table
by myself without any food.
Here I go !
commentator: Let's see,
what am I gonna have ?
And I think I'll take--
Yeah, one of these wallets.
Jaime: Ooh, it's like taking
candy from a baby.
Or money from a woman
that has one.
commentator: Let's see
what we got here.
Whoops-a-daisy.
Hello.
Judy: Excuse me,
can you just move your leg ?
Thank you.
Let me just grab that.
commentator: And, oh,
there we go.
Yeah, you know what ?
I ain't feeling hungry.
I'm gonna go.
Hey, you, stop !
Ma'am, he took your wallet !
That is my wallet.
Where'd you get that ?
Kevin: Apparently this town has
one outfit for all the ladies.
Daisy: That's right, sister.
I got your back.
You wear a red shirt, I wear
a red shirt, we both wear denim.
We're sisters of the traveling
red shirt denim pants.
commentator: Hey,
I saw what you did !
You took that lady's wallet !
What's that ?
Oh, shoot, is this your wallet ?
Wait, is that my wallet ?
I found it in my hands
all of a sudden.
I had no--
I'm sorry, see you later.
Tom: When he gets caught,
he folds immediately.
It's like, come on, dude,
you're a criminal.
Show some backbone.
Michael: Isn't that how
all crimes should work ?
If you get caught,
you just give the ( bleep ) back
and it's like, whatever.
You caught me.
No tag-backs.
commentator: I feel so
embarrassed, you take it back.
Okay, no harm, no foul.
See you later, ladies.
Hey, where are you going ?
Hey, somebody call the cops.
narrator: The man leaves
and remains at large.
Danny: If I was carrying
$10,000 cash and I got my
driver's license back
so I didn't have to go
to the DMV again,
I'd call it even.
commentator: Oh, here you go.
I thought it was just lying
on the floor there.
Okay, bye now.
Get out of here !
narrator: You've trembled
in fear and laughter
at 19 dumb criminals.
commentator: You son
of a *** !
What's going on ?
My pants is burning up.
narrator: But the dumbest
criminal of all
is still out there.
commentator: See you later !
Get over here !
Come here !
You're not gonna catch me, man !
Get back here !
narrator: Stay tuned
for all that,
plus the number-one
dumbest criminal in the world.
narrator: Inside this
Oklahoma City courthouse,
a 21-year-old facing gun charges
awaits the outcome
of his arraignment.
commentator: The defendant
please rise.
narrator: When a bond
is denied...
commentator: Gotta go !
Hey !
Come back here !
Coming through !
Look out, man !
Move !
I got a defendant on the run !
A defendant on the run !
Tom: You know you're a bad
criminal when your big escape
plan is "run."
commentator: Gotta go !
Tom: That's all he had,
just "run."
commentator: Yo, heads up !
Move it, move it !
Coming through, man !
Mike T.: I wonder if he ran
past other criminals,
like, "Oh, ( bleep ),
we can just do that ?"
Danny: Every time I've ever been
to a courtroom,
I've never liked the sentence,
but I never thought, "I know,
I'll just start running laps."
commentator: Woo !
Excuse me, look out !
Look out, lady !
Where the exit at ?
What's going on in here ?
What room is this, dude ?
Shoot !
Coming through again,
coming through again, look out,
look out, one more time !
Kevin: How confusing is
the setup of this building
that this guy can't find
an exit anywhere ?
Bryan: Can somebody stick a leg
out and trip that guy, please ?
Huh ?
commentator: I gotta
get out of here, man.
This is bull, man !
Yo, coming through again !
Look out, look out, look out !
Billy: Why, why is his own
lawyer chasing this guy
through the courthouse ?
commentator: Hey !
Turn yourself in !
This is--
This doesn't look good !
Billy: He probably
hasn't gotten paid.
commentator: Sir,
stop this minute.
Stop right now.
Surrender yourself.
Move, lady.
Sir, you're not getting past me.
You're stopping right now.
Todd: Out of everything,
it takes a woman to stop him.
commentator: Yo,
what you playing, lady ?
Sir, you're not getting past me.
Stop this nonsense right now.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh !
Come on, man !
I'm innocent.
( ding )
Here we are, here we are.
Where's the guy ?
What's going on ?
Where is he ?
narrator: The dash earns
the fleet-footed criminal
a new charge of
escape from custody.
Michael: It was a great chase.
That's some "Smokey and the
Bandit" ( bleep ) right there.
commentator: I gotta
get out of here, man.
Yo, coming through again.
Move it, move it !
Come on, man !
This building is ridiculous.
Where the exit at ?
man: Okay, which one do you want
to start with there, Leif ?
Leif: Oh, I don't care there,
Austin.
How about criminals ?
Okay.
Tonya: Whatever happened to
the one about the-- the-- um...
Tom: Um...
Chelsea: Um...
Judy: All right, uh...
Roger: Uh, let's, uh...
Aw, ( bleep ).
Billy: Okay, uh...
So, um...
Leif: Thank you !
Billy: Uh...
Brad: Wah-wah.
Billy: Um...
Bryan: Idiot.
Billy: Um...
Nick: This is hilarious,
isn't it ?
Natasha: ( laughing )
Billy: Uh...
man: My God.
Billy: Uh...
Leif: Just bored.
Billy: How much more time
do we have left ?
man: 30 seconds.
( cell phone ringing )
Nick: Hello, agent ?
Yeah, you're fired.