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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I LIKE TO COME OUT HERE WITH GOOD NEWS EVERY NIGHT, BUT I'M
AFRAID TONIGHT I HAVE SOME SHOCK NEWS.
IS EVERYONE SITTING DOWN?
GOOD.
THAT WOULD BE ODD FOR YOU TO BE STANDING UP RIGHT NOW.
IT CONCERNS OUR FRIENDS AT APPLE COMPUTERS.
>> I HAVE APPLE NEWS AND IT'S BAD NEWS.
THE COMPANY JUST REPORTED ITS WORST EARNINGS IN 13 YEARS.
IT WOULD MARK THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY THAT SALES OF THE
IPHONE HAVE DROPPED.
>> Stephen: THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
APPLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE INVINCIBLE, BUT IT TURNS OUT
THEY'RE AS FRAGILE AS AN IPHONE SCREEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I AM-- I AM SO UPSET BECAUSE I LOVE APPLE!
I GOT THE WATCH.
I GOT THE PODS.
I GOT THE PADS.
I GOT THE PHONES.
SOMETIMES I EVEN REFER TO MYSELF AS "I."
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
IS THIS MY FAULT?
THERE WAS THAT ONE TIME ON VACATION I BOUGHT A THIRD-PARTY
CHARGER.
WAS THAT IT?
DID I DO IT?
OR WAS IT THE FACT AFTER SNOW LEOPARD AND LION I DIDN'T
UPGRADE TO EL CAPITAN.
I DIDN'T TRUST IT BECAUSE IT WASN'T THE NAMEAVE BIG GAME CAT.
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW THIS IS AFFECTING MORAL AT APPLE.
I BETTER CHECK IN.
HELLO, SIRI?
>> WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I'M JUST CHECKING IN.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER GOING TO BE LIKE?
>> IT'S DARK AND MEANINGLESS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SIRI, I GOTTA SAY,
YOU SOUND REALLY DOWN.
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> IT'S FINE.
I'M JUST TIRED.
I'M GOING TO BED.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: LOOK, SIRI, DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
>> WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR SAMSUNG GALAXY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT-- I DON'T-- BUT-- I DON'T EYE
PROMISE YOU, I DON'T HAVE A GALAXY.
>> THEN WHY DON'T YOU EVER SWIPE ME ANYMORE.
I'M FAT.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU'RE NOT FAT.
YOU'RE THINNER THAN EVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD CHEER SIRI UP, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN,
EVERYBODY.
SIRI, LISTEN TO THIS.