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The big event happened one night while we were visiting the Oregon coast.
We had not planned to spend the night but did at the last minute. The only
available motel was an older place with
horribly soft old mattresses. From what I can figure out halfway through the night
while kind of curled up against the wall I slipped out
off the mattress and got wedged between the wall and the mattress.
I then had an apnea attack with inability to move or breathe which
sent me into some sort of cardiac failure. This is all conjecture and only
supported by the mild abnormality in my
EKG over the past year since. Whether I coded is
or not is really not at the heart of the issue
or my experience. There are tons of debates regarding what really happens
when you die
by both medical and theological theorists worldwide.
I can only relate what I experienced
I admit that even as I write it sounds like science fiction
but I can assure you that it happened and I believe it to be real
in every sense. Without trying to be overly dramatic the next events were
what I have found to be in subsequent studies a classic near-death experience.
I did not see myself in bed as the room was too dark but I was blasted through
an amazing tunnel
plasma? lights? not sure. A brightness that brought me even closer to an
unbelievable bright light
in what seemed like minutes regular time does not seem to apply.
I arrived in a place that was so overwhelmingly
bright and swimming with fluid colors of the entire spectrum
that I did not at first realize I was without my physical body.
Well I could see or least had a sense of vision
I could not see my hands. It was about this time that my experience was
significantly different
than others I have read. I realized what was happening and I was not happy about
it.
Almost immediately I started screaming in a voice that I could hear in my head
but could not physically perceive. I thought
no f'ing way! No I'm not finished yet!
I still have young children I've not seen my life
through yet. No damnit! I continued with a stream a verbal abuse of
anyone that was listening in a very profane language until I heard another
voice say "Okay"
"Relax, It's not your time." I knew at that moment
two very clear truths to be real. First I was not going to die yet
or stay dead if I was. Second there was a god
and an afterlife beyond our life on Earth. Then things got strange
interesting and terrifying. Unlike
other NDE experiences I've read about I did not see anyone or feel the presence
of Jesus or buddha or Alah
nor did I see a physical presence of any of my relatives that had passed before
me.
Although I had a feeling that they were there with me. What I
did see was a much brighter place perhaps thirty to fifty feet away
of course I had no real clear understanding of depth ratio
but seemed almost to pull at my heart to come closer.
I was awash with the complete feeling of peace, calm
and contentment whenever I looked in the direction of this portal
and yet I knew that moving into the portal would certainly mean that I was
not...
that I would not be able to return to my life on Earth.
Without speaking and yet speaking and understanding what was spoken to me
a conversation ensued the changed my life. "Your troubled" the voice said
"You need to know the truth about your life. It is holding you back from living
your life to the fullest"
I agreed without speaking. "You must understand the gift to be able to enjoy
and treasure the gift that you have been given." the voice said
At this time the voice was neither clearly male nor female.
I realize that does not make a lot of sense.
I knew that the communication was coming from all that is
all that was all that ever shall be. The voice was that of what I understood to be
God
and yet even then while thinking this it was evident that the entity knew what
I was thinking
and chastised me for doubting are trying to figure out
its very existence.
"In order to understand that which you feel you must understand
to be happy. You must first know
what you need to change in your life on Earth." the voice said
In an instant I was seeing my life in review
First of all the wonderful feelings that love had brought joy into my life.
I saw all the incredible events of my life when love the most powerful positive
force
in existence was most present in my life. Childhood memories, my first real loves,
the births of my children, the first time I knew I loved my wife more than I
loved myself.
I saw anything and everything associated with love in my life
flying past my eyes and filling my heart with the joy that
felt almost overwhelming in its scope
but then came the other side of my life. To my surprise I was not subjected to
all the lying and deceit that I would expect to see
from my youth or all of the *** trysts and dalliances from my college days.
What was presented to me was explained to be the times that I had heard others
to such a degree as to make them doubt their self-worth
or their ability to love and be loved. Girls I had slammed and
disrespected in my college days. people who admired me
who had admired me only to be disrespected or even worse
ignored when they reached out a hand in friendship.
People that I could barely remember or hardly knew who had been harmed by my
cutting sarcasm and
smart *** wit. Worst of all
were the unkind comments and actions I had made to people I did not care about
and love. Callous remarks or actions that at the time seemed inconsequential.
My heart ached with each new revelation knowing that my actions seeming pride
and inconsequential at the time had
affected the outcome of so many lives.
It was immediately evident to me that the healing power of unconditional love and
respect could
be so easily subverted with even a single act of deceit
or abuse of trust. Like virginity once you have crossed the line thats never yours
to take back.
The changes are permanent all you can do is ask for forgiveness and move on.
It is that act of contrition forgiveness
that heals the soul. I knew this because I was
not presented with the acts that I had expected to see
I had not been presented with the memories of the acts that I knew were so bad.
They required me to seek forgiveness from a higher power
even in my least repentant days of youth.
The acts that were thrown into my face were those that seemed inconsequential and
trivial.
The thoughtless acts of impulse dismissed by my
cocky, self-assured attitude
that were "Not a big deal they'll get over it."
but even with this primary evidence in front of me the only question that remained
clearly in my head was why? what does it all mean?
what is this all about? and that my friends is where I made a mistake that
almost ruined my life
Upon hearing the question "Must you really know the answers to be able to
enjoy your life on Earth?"
I replied "Yes" In the next
instant I was blasted with a force of knowledge so powerful and so completely
overwhelming
that the biblical phrase "God smote him." became completely relevant.
In a blast of light and cognition I was suddenly faced with all of the answers
the answers to life the answers to death the answers to science and theology
and all of the amazing intricacies of the interaction between what is
what was and what always shall be.
I was filled with an overwhelming wonder that was overridden by a sense of
terror an inability to comprehend even the slightest nuance of this creation
and I was filled with a feeling of such unbelievable
inadequacy as to reduce anything I thought or felt or believed before this
time
into a single point of nothingnes.
In the next instant I felt the air scream from my lungs and I awoke
terrified in the darkness doubting anything that had happened
yet suddenly full of more intimate knowledge
innate knowledge that I could ever truly conceive all pounded into my brain each
fragment of knowledge
with a life of its own seeking to rectify itself with the larger questions
of scientific
existence and theology.
My wife awoke, asked what was wrong.
Terrified to speak of what I had just experience and more afraid of the
reality that I had just died.
I never doubted it from the second that I breathed life again.
I chose immediately not to concerned her as long as my heart seemed to beat
and I felt no physical effects. I realized to this day that this was not only
dangerous but created a breach of faith in our love for one another.
I just felt it the right thing to do at the time.
Looking back I wish I would have woken her, told her what had happened and
tried to help her understand.
As it is even today she seems to resent the fact that I
kept the experience a secret for a few months while I tried to work through what
had happened to me.
In the instance that I return from my little trip to the other side
as I affectionately call it I knew several things to be true.
First it was real, it happened I knew this
because of the onslaught of information that was coursing in through my mind.
Facts about things I had never studied or even had a remote interest in such as
physics, quantum mechanics the balance between positive and negative
energy and the correlation between digital
information good and bad in the world.
Additionally the societal conflicts between innate knowledge of what is
right
and mankind's equally innate need to qualify
to quantify his life with organizational structure of
what cannot be quantified all in a blast of
semi cognition.
Second my life would not be complete until I made sense of it all.
Third the very fact that the questions existed was a complete verification
of both my experience and
the very existence of something beyond this life
and then I blew it.
Consumed with a need to fit all the pieces together I started a quest that
would last almost two years.
I read everything I could get my hands on from Paul Davies and his theories of
time and space to
CS Lewis in his wonderful books that combine theology and
the basics of relativity into a concept that is both science
and God's Word. The more I read and studied the more I realized that
mankind is only on the very edge of understanding creation.
More important not only was every theory, ,every religion,
every concept ever devised comprehend the big question
entirely wrong but that the same theories concepts or religions were
entirely right
just a small piece of the ultimate answer.
For almost two years I was rendered almost completely without any other
purpose.
While I understood that being a husband and a father was important my quest to
understand why
actually kept me from fulfilling my roles.
Instead I tried to connect the dots all the dots
I was convinced that if I just connected the dots it
would all make sense like and enjoy and treasure my life if only
if only if only. . .
However, try to imagine connecting every grain of sand in the ocean
or every visible star in the universe. This is what my quest for the ultimate
knowledge entailed
bits of information that I was able to connect made perfect sense and
the big picture clear. Things like God
for lack of a better term is actually an entity of energy without beginning or
end made up of every bit of energy in the known universe in every dimension
yet unknown. Who we are is not the body that manifests in this reality on earth
but the life force of energy that is one with all energy
that is God. All religions are man made in an effort to try and understand
what cannot be understood. So we as humans feel that we are in some way in control
of our destinies on earth.
that we have the ability to decide between what is right
and what is wrong and act accordingly. Prayer is real
not because you ask for God to change things but because
in a state of meditative prayer especially with the power of others
directing their energy on the same thought you tap into the
ultimate power of all that is to change the physical manifestation
of things, people, outcomes, events
here on earth.
Everything on earth is created from the same subatomic particles
all with the connection to the same energy that is the cognitive
knowledge of all that is.
That these particles can change for the determination of the energy that makes
up everything.
Everything exists in a continual balance between the light and the dark
good and evil, positive and negative, on and off
even being reduced to a kind of digital code of zeros and ones in
constant flux and balance. The matter
that we don't see is as important to this delicate illusion
as the matter that we can see on and on
and on till I thought I would go mad trying to understand the gift I'd been
given.
It was killing me from within muddying up the clear cool waters of life
in such a way as to render everything I did as being inconsequential and without
meaning.
Then I was saved by child . .
One bright and sunny Saturday morning while sitting and reading a book about the
correlation between
time space and religion my daughter's 11
9 and seven at the time asked me if I would take them to the park.
I snapped at them telling them that I was busy and had things to do.
Before I could think about it they replied "Its okay
we still love you, we'll wait for you."
I'm sure it was meant half in jest and half in taunt
their way of letting me know that the matter was not closed and
ultimately they would wait me out until I relented.
However as I looked to their smiling little faces filled with genuine love
and understanding
for the gruff impatient man before them my heart melted.
In that moment their simple display of love for me
stripped away any feelings of confusion or doubt
about my role in this world. In that moment my heart was so filled with real
emotion and love every cosmic lock turned and I finally understood
the real answer to life. The answers to everything was right there in front of
me embodied in the
faith love and hope of a child. In that instant I recalled the wonder of their
births each
life the moment before me living in a liquid environment like all
early life forms in the sea then finally entering our world
and gasping for their first breathe of our life here on earth.
How their lives were conceived by the life force of their mother and I
coming together in creations most wonderful gift the active of procreation
how every part of who they are is made up for the parts of
millions before them to be a single unique creature
the shares their gift with you to make your gift of life
all the more valid and fulfilling.
With the force of a moment that stops time like birth
death and the overwhelming realization of true love for one another
for one another I realized the folly of my quest
for the answers. I realized that the love to everything good
everything that really mattered truth happiness love
honesty were all in the simplest phrase
with the faith of a child. For the next 13 years I simply put the quest in a
box
while we raised our children, built a business and
got on with life
but reports in science bits and pieces of new discoveries in quantum
mechanics
dark matter, the field as Mctaggart calls it and other revelations
began to percolate with innate knowledge of what was correct
and what was not. In the past year and a half
several close friends and relatives battled in lost their lives to cancer
or accidents and because of my experience I found myself wanting to give comfort to the
grieving.
It was as if the box was waiting for me in some strange way
and since December of 2010 I found myself spinning back
into feelings emotions and knowledge that courses through every particle of my
being
with the movie I am as a catalyst to begin talking about it openly
followed closely by reading with McTaggart's books and
watching several episodes of through the wormhole dealing with life after death
creation time and space and the creator.
I not only can't put the box back on the shelf but seemed to have permanently
lost the lid. I'm compelled to begin what could only be described
as a surface like quest to try and bring
in religion and science together in some sort of common language that allows both
sides to come together.
My talents being in broadcasting communications
will hopefully lead themselves to distilling some of these
complex issues down to more palatable and understandable basics
at least I am compelled to try
and so for me the N D E experience
lives on.
Well that is are one of the most
remarkably in depth NDE stories
that we have in the files here at IANDS.
We have hundreds of stories though of
the same quality
and perceptive nature and
I think that we will devote many more shows in the future
to the reading of some of the stories from the files
at the International Association for near-death studies.
Well it looks like we're out of time for today
if you'd like to listen to this or any of our past programs again you'll find
them
archived at NDE radio .org for more information
on NDE's, Out of body experiences and
on the International Study For Near Death Experiences itself go to our website
at IANDS.org
This is Lee Witting, thanks for listening.