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I don’t think I’ve ever seen a video game quite this pink.
I mean, it’s like, if you were to ask me, “Derek, what’s the pinkest thing you’ve
ever seen?” I’d tell you that’s a private matter. Mind your own business, you pervert.
The pinkest video game, though...well, that’s My Little Pony: The Runaway Rainbow.
There are shades of pink in this thing I don’t even know were possible.
Freaking Fifty Shades of Pink.
Released to the Game Boy Advance in 2006, The Runaway Rainbow is an intense video game...oh,
I’m sorry, did I say intense? Because I meant “pink.” The Runaway Rainbow is a
f*cking pink video game. Obviously, it’s based on the franchise of toys, cartoons and
assorted matters of animated equine...My Little Pony.
My Little Po-ny! My Little Pony.
You know, I used to wonder what friendship could be, too.
The thing is, though, this game actually came out before the new series. So if you’re
hoping for the modern-looking rebooted ponies, I’m sorry to report these ponies...are the
old ponies. I didn’t even know a pony could be rebooted. Just goes to show you should
never question Hasbro.
They’re a multinational pony rebooter, for god’s sake!
You’ve probably noticed I haven’t said much about the gameplay in The Runaway Rainbow,
uh...and that’s for two reasons. One, rainbows can’t run away because they’re neither
bi- nor quadrupedal. And two, there’s not much here to talk about. If you’ve ever
run an errand for your mother whilst wearing all of the most obnoxious colors in your little
sister’s wardrobe...you’ve basically played this game.
So I guess the story is...the pony princess Rarity can make rainbows, she has that ability.
But in order to do that, she’s going to have to find the rainbow berries so the baker
pony can make friendship pies and ice cream sundaes. Which is the reason anyone does anything,
so really, The Runaway Rainbow is a metaphor for life.
I don’t know. That’s probably not true. I don’t know what to think anymore.
So you keep walking around and doing fetch quests, and in between those quests, minigame
city. Actually, I’d like that structure, but the minigames aren’t long enough. That’s
the first time I’ve ever said that—the minigames aren’t long enough. I’ve also
used the phrases “friendship pies” and “multinational pony rebooter.”
If you’re into either of those things, The Runaway Rainbow is a game for you. It’s
probably best for small children, though. And bronies. Hey, be cool...or be mule.