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Hello.
The rise of technology has one big downside: weirdos.
It hasn't created weirdos - they've been around for ages
but it has opened doors for the buggers.
I mean, what exactly did weirdos do with themselves before the Internet?
Well, actually, it's probably the same things they do with themselves now on Chatroulette.
But who did they talk to?
How did they keep themselves busy during those desolate, late-night, lonely waking hours?
I don't know. I'm not a weirdo.
Lord no! Nope.
Never have been.
But, um, someone I know is. Or was.
And he told me that they basically just kept themselves to myself...
themselves.
So, for example, it used to be a lot harder to get conspiracy theories off the ground,
'cause back then weird people didn't talk to each other.
Sure, you could pen-pal up with a fellow weirdo and send each other
fabricated and wildly inaccurate speculation masquerading as 'evidence'
for government cover-ups and alien nonsense, but only you two would ever know about it.
Hardly liberating the oppressed minds of the masses. But now it's the year
[NOISE DISTORTED]
and there are whole websites dedicated to spreading paranoid misinformation,
chaos and propaganda.
Like Wikipedia.
Mind you, modern advancements in technology have at least kept the weirdos inside.
I remember the days when they didn't have YouTube
or World of Warcraft, Second Life or the Syfy channel
to keep them occupied.
In fact, they didn't have any telly to watch after midnight
unless they got a kick from staring at two-tone Teletext pages
or were particularly fond of that freaky test card picture with the little girl and her balloon clown.
Actually, they probably were...
But regular nocturnal meandering was widespread.
So loners of the past were much fitter about the legs... but more tired-looking.
Weirdos of the past had to be much better with their hands too
and I don't mean like that.
Before Photoshop was invented,
if you wanted to get your fantasies out of your head and onto paper
thus making them much more real
you had to whip out the scissors and Pritt Stick,
a copy of the Radio Times, an old passport photo,
a flimsy piece of cardboard from dad's shirt packaging,
some pasta if you were feeling arty, and hey presto!
A realistic portrayal you in bed with Zeinab Badawi.
No one says "hey presto" any more, do they?
But the number one activity of yesteryear's weirdos was going to the shops.
If you wanted to see another human face,
you could go down the shop before work, during work and after work;
you could pop back after dinner, nip in again before bed time and then
at the dawn of the modern shopping era
go to the exciting new 24 hour garage at any time of the night
and babble incoherently at the little man trapped behind a window.
These days, if you want social interaction you can get it at any time
on your smartphone or laptop from the comfort of your own weirdo bedroom.
And unlike the guy in the all-night petrol station,
the people on the other side of the glass aren't usually wearing any clothes.
Apparently.
We've got it so easy
...is probably what a modern weirdo would say.
Which I'm not one of.
I'm not a weirdo!