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MEYERS: Today our topic is interpersonal mastery.
When we covered this topic in the leadership academy it was stressed that interpersonal
effectiveness is a key ingredient in leadership development and we are very fortunate to have
Robin with us today.
We talked a lot about the theory of interpersonal mastery and how we conduct critical conversations.
How we build influence and build a constituency we also talked about how to navigate conflict.
Today I think we are going to hear from someone who is hands-on in the community, building
personal relationships with all of the non-profits and community organizations that we work with
here at Boulder County. And also is working on the development of
a master plan for human services which is a huge interpersonal job.
Without further adieu I'd like to welcome Robin Bohannan to the podium. [applause]
>> BOHANNAN: Thank you Rick and thanks everbody for being here. I was told I'm the reason
the County's not closing today. Just Kidding.[laughter] I’m appreciative and humbled by the invitation
to talk about interpersonal mastery. It’s a little intimidating to follow Sheriff Pelle,
however, and I remember when I received the invitation, my internal self-critic immediately
said, What? You? (remember Sally Fields at the Oscars – You like me, you like me)…I
replied to Susan Mann by saying, “It’s a good thing the talk isn’t for several
months, it’ll give me time to get some (interpersonal mastery)… So here’s what it is…
I’ll just tell you my story. You might think that I was invited because I somehow have
mastered this. And perhaps, my journey might have something to inform you. You may have
all read my best selling novel, I mean non-fiction essays on leadership. But I’d really like
to dedicate this talk to my grandmother, Elaine. She left home at the age of 14, because her
father did not believe that girls should be educated. She worked as a live-in maid while
attending high school until she was hired as a temp, teaching in a one-room school house.
My grandmother and I were both born on
the Dalia Lama’s birthday. I’d like to claim that as a birth
right to interpersonal mastery, but so were George Bush, Nancy Reagan and Sylvester Stallone.
[laughter] This is one of the main reasons I don’t follow astrology.
I was fortunate to experience the Boot Camp approach… It was, of course, during a time
of much death, fear, and ignorance about the AIDS epidemic. But it was also a time of great
creativity, challenge, and opportunities to step up, largely, because no one else would.
Some might say my training was leadership by default.
It’s a statement about taking a leap – showing up – when you are called. Interpersonal
mastery is learned. I was over 30 when the AIDS crisis
hit Boulder. My experience may be a bit skewed, but I do
believe that we are all called to serve and through grace, we listen and respond.
These were the days when there were not any answers. To provide a framework to my experience,
in hindsight, I can see that what I was developing
was Authenticity, emotional intelligence, or what our
Leadership Academy has called – interpersonal mastery.
Again, some of my interpersonal mastery journey was a bit skewed…most of my communication
skills were honed giving talks about safe sex, counseling
young adults about dying, and there was a time when I proceeded over many funerals.
Emotional Self-Awareness…feeling sad but needing to channel that sadness into positive
action. Had a boss who wanted to “fix-it” – lead to
a conversation about emotions and how it was okay and essential
to express sadness in the workplace – led to support groups for families and friends.
Emotional Self-Regulation…understanding how you feel but choosing how to manifest
it. What do we tell our kids? It’s okay to have feelings,
but you need to choose how to act on your feelings.
Being present with what is before moving through it.
Our daily motto was – it’s okay to be happy and sad at the same (Daily Camera article)
Emotional Self-Motivation – use your emotions to create self-action and work through resistance,
commit and persist. Again, in those days it was constantly pushing through to create meaning
out of a terrible tragedy, and forcing our institutions
and community to respond and help in ways they didn’t
want to.
The real key – whether you call it authenticity, emotional intelligence, or interpersonal mastery…is
really Empathy – the ability to listen to understand, improve communication, create
a problem-solving environment, and establish trust and relationship.
All we really have in this world is each other and our
relationships.
Here’s a community that creating Empathic Listening Posts…not to fix things, but to
listen and offer an opportunity for people to be heard. I think
sometimes the disconnect in our relationship is that we
believe if people hear us it means that they will do what we want. How many of us have
been at public hearings when residents say “You’re
not listening!” If we equate listening with being
heard…does being heard mean we get our way? Again, I think I learned through being with
people in situations where there were no answers, I
learned quickly that being present and really listening
meant just that.
Then we need to put it all together.
Emotional Intelligence is a learnt skill. Research shows that emotional competencies
are controlled by a different part of the brain to
technical and cognitive skills. Emotional Intelligence has been proven to
be twice as important as IQ for job performance. EQ allows teams to think more clearly under
pressure, are calmer and less stress as they spend less
energy on internal emotional turmoil. Leaders with high emotional intelligence have
been rated the best bosses that talented people want
to work for. Emotional intelligent work environments have less turnover, adapt to change quicker
and are more innovative. Emotional Intelligent organizations
have less customer complaints and increased customer trust and
loyalty.
What about intention….what does it mean and is it enough? We believe that intention
and focus is an essential component of interpersonal mastery
– I think, again, the real work is about being present
and conscious about who we are in the world and what we want to accomplish. Too often,
intention can be used as an excuse…that’s not what
I intended…as if intention is the sole outcome. I may intend
one thing but have it be perceived by others very differently.
We think interpersonal mastery means following the golden rule…
I realize that the Platinum Rule has been co-opted and even trademarked by business
consultants. It simply means this…rather than the Golden
Rule, (do unto others as you would like done to you)…it
means do unto others as they would like done to them. Ultimately it means – understanding
what makes people tick and what works best with
their personality type – you can call it Meyers Briggs,
Colors, etc. It also means dropping our assumptions about what we think works. A simple example
of this was provided to me by a woman of color
who was a member of the board where I was the
executive director. She said – think of it this way. You might bring chocolate brownies
to the board meeting, believing that it will help the board
meeting go better – everyone likes chocolate, right? But
you know what? I’m allergic to chocolate. If you ask me what I like, or how I like to
be approached, or what would make the board meeting work better
for me – that’s an example of the Platinum Rule
Another example of this happened for me when I was working with a young man who was dying
of AIDS. Everyone – his family, his doctor,
his volunteers, you name it, wanted Mark to eat healthy food
and do everything he could to manage his immune health. Mark was cranky and aggressive and
ultimately allowed only one volunteer to enter his home. I visited Mark one day when his
volunteer had poured a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. I bit
my tongue, watching the scene unfold. But I watched Mark
eat his cereal and the joy on his face – out of 24 hours of misery and pain, he had
½ hour of joy, eating his Capn Crunch. Everything we learned, believed,
and pushed against went out the window.
So – what does this all mean when working with others. What do we do when we believe
we’re right? Or have the best idea?
We’ve all been there – committees, task forces, strategic plans and we struggle to
collaborate.
True collaborate leadership means we all bring equal pieces to the table. If you have all
the power, I spend all of my time worried about you taking
my power, or feeling inadequate because I don’t bring
enough to the table. The Human Service Strategic Plan began with our intention and belief that
we all had a lot to gain and lose, and it began with
an assumption that this was NOT the County’s plan (see
the big goldfish?) – but a plan that was created by the partnership represented through
various processes.
What happens if we put aside our need to be right?
How much of our relationship is invested in hanging on to “me?”
Or is it all about you?
I think it really means understanding what makes us tick – the good, the bad, and the
unconscious.
A willingness to understand and work with my personality style…as an INFP, all of
this is really torture to me.
Then, I believe, the impossible becomes possible. Again, I have a somewhat skewed experience
of this. We had big audacious goals in the AIDS
crisis – that doctors would treat patients, that our hospital
would serve patients their food in their rooms (as opposed to leaving trays in the hallways)
and that the school district wouldn’t disclose a
student’s *** status to everyone in the school, or that a day care
provider who was pregnant wouldn’t sue a family for not disclosing that their preschooler
was ***+.
It means pushing our limits and defining how far close to the edge you are willing to walk.
It means challenging the nay-sayers.
This was my ultimate cliff.
I soon realized this was not my calling. My children struggled with why I was going
to meetings, although they had fun watching me on TV. I
realized I wasn’t being a very good role model on women and leadership when my 5 year
old daughter one day said, “Mommy, I don’t think I
want to be on City Council when I grow up – it’s way too much
work!” Reading different bedtime books helped change
their viewpoint.
It means keeping your eye on the prize.
Does Interpersonal Mastery mean that everyone will be happy with you? And note – we can
use interpersonal mastery when we don’t agree.
When we started the strategic planning process, not many partners were on our side.
And even now, we have differences of opinion about what should be done next.
Know that not everyone is going to like you or agree with you…
Shouldn’t our approach to interpersonal relations be the same as what we are trying
to accomplish with service integration?
The importance of relationships in accomplishing our goals…
A willingness to fail…
That you probably won’t be thanked often for your efforts.
And its important to celebrate others’ successes.
And having the belief that the reward of a thing well done is having done it (Emerson).
[Applause]