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[ APPLAUSE ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING ]
[ BELL DINGING ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]
[ DONKEY BRAYING ]
[ POP! POP! ]
>> OHH!
>> ♪ AH, AH, AH ♪
[ MOOSE GRUNTS ]
>> HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
[ BELL TOLLS ]
>> [ CUCKOOS ]
>> ♪ AH, AH, AH ♪
[ BOWLING PINS RATTLING ]
[ CAMEL GRUNTS ]
[ HORSE NEIGHS ]
>> ♪ AH, AH, AH ♪
[ NOISEMAKERS HONKING ]
>> Announcer: RUSSELL PETERS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Peters: THANK YOU!
GOOD EVENING, FOLKS, AND
WELCOME.
I'M YOUR HOST, RUSSELL PETERS.
I HAVE TO PREFACE THAT I'M
INDIAN.
OTHERWISE, THEY'LL BE WATCHING
AND GOING, "MAN, THIS MEXICAN
GUY SUCKS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WANT THEM TO KNOW IT WAS AN
INDIAN GUY WHO SUCKED.
AND WHEN I SAY INDIAN, I DON'T
MEAN, YOU KNOW...
I MEAN...
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S A...
THERE'S A DISTINCTION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THERE'S MEDICINE MAN, AND THEN
THERE'S AN ACTUAL DOCTOR.
[ GROANS AND LAUGHTER ]
WHAT?
WHAT?
ONE WILL MAKE YOU DRINK A
POTION.
THE OTHER ONE WILL BUY THE
POTION.
THAT'S WHAT WE'LL...
IT'S THE SAME THING, JUST
DIFFERENT.
THAT'S ALL.
GROW UP, YOU ANIMALS.
SO WE'RE GONNA KICK OFF THE
SHOW.
YOU READY FOR IT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT.
FOLKS, YOUR FIRST COMIC COMING
TO THE STAGE IS A VERY GOOD
FRIEND OF MINE.
HE OPENS UP FOR ME ALL OVER
AMERICA.
HE'S ORIGINALLY FROM SACRAMENTO,
CALIFORNIA.
HE'S BEEN AT EVERY COMEDY
FESTIVAL THERE IS TO BE IN.
HE'S VERY FUNNY.
GIVE IT UP FOR
MR. MIKE E. WINFIELD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M FROM BALTIMORE, MARYLAND.
THAT'S WHERE I GREW UP.
ALL MY LIFE, I WAS IN BALTIMORE.
THE LIVING CONDITIONS WERE
CRAZY.
PEOPLE WERE LOSING THEIR LIVES.
THINGS WERE HAPPENING ALL
GANGSTER.
I WAS NOT THE FUNNIEST KID
UNLESS I WAS AROUND MY LITTLE
BROTHER.
ME AND HIM WOULD CRACK UP ALL
THE TIME.
WE USED TO RIDE HOME ON THE BUS,
AND THAT'S WHERE ALL THE CRACKS
STARTED, IN THE BACK OF THE BUS.
AND I WAS THE ONE GIGGLING,
'CAUSE I HAD THE BIGGEST TEETH.
I USED TO WEAR THE SAME THREE
OUTFITS IN ROTATION FOR, LIKE,
THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT.
MY MOM WOULD BUY US OUTFITS.
IT WOULD BE THE SAME OUTFIT IN
DIFFERENT COLORS, AND I WOULD
WEAR THEM, LIKE, MONDAY,
TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY, AND THEN
THE ONE FROM MONDAY, I WOULD
WEAR THURSDAY AGAIN.
SO I HAD TO REMEMBER WHAT I WORE
ON THE WEEKENDS ON FRIDAY SO I
DIDN'T WEAR IT AGAIN MONDAY.
YEAH, BOY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
YEAH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
ALL GOOD, Y'ALL.
LET ME TELL YOU I GOT BAD
BOOTLEG-MOVIE-BUYING LUCK.
THAT'S WHAT I GOT -- BAD
BOOTLEG-BUYING LUCK.
I BOUGHT A BOOTLEG FROM THIS
FOOL, MAN.
THIS FOOL MUST HAVE RECORDED IT
IN THE DRIVE-IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I COULD SEE THE WINDSHIELD.
I'M LIKE, "NO."
IS IT RAINING ON THE SCREEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I HAD TO GO BACK TO THIS DUDE
AND GET MY MONEY BACK, AND HE
TRIED TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I'M
THE ONE THAT GOT THE DEAL.
I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I WANT MY
MONEY BACK!"
HE SAID, "DUDE, I GAVE YOU A
DEAL."
I'M LIKE, "A DEAL?"
HE SAID, "DID YOU LOOK ON THE
RIGHT CORNER OF THE SCREEN?"
I SAID, "YEAH, IT WAS A
REARVIEW MIRROR."
HE SAID, "WELL, IF YOU LOOK
THROUGH THE MIRROR, YOU CAN SEE
ANOTHER MOVIE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"THESE ARE DOUBLE FEATURES."
LIKE, DAMN!
HE WON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I JUST NEED TO STAY OUT THE
'HOOD, MAN.
I LIVE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.
I RAN OUT OF GAS AFTER ONE OF MY
SHOWS IN A TOWN CALLED OAKLAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS NOT SAFE.
I WAS SCARED, MAN.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I WAS GONNA
RUN OUT OF GAS, TOO.
MY GAS LIGHT WAS ON FOR, LIKE,
FOUR SONGS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO NOW I'M WALKING TO A GAS
STATION AT 2:06 IN THE MORNING,
AND THIS CAT WAS SCARED.
YOU EVER HAVE SOMEONE TRY TO
SELL YOU SOMETHING AT AN
INAPPROPRIATE HOUR?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS DUDE GONNA WALK UP TO ME
AND TRY TO SELL ME SOME
FLIP-FLOPS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DO NOT WANT ANY FLIP-FLOPS.
IT'S 2:06 IN THE MORNING.
I DON'T WANT ANY FLIP-FLOPS.
I MEAN, I BOUGHT THEM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE WAY I LOOKED AT IT IS, IT'S
2:06.
I'M IN OAKLAND.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, THIS FOOL IS
ABOUT TO GET MY MONEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AT LEAST THIS WAY IT FEELS LIKE
AN EXCHANGE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW MY PROBLEM, THOUGH.
I'M NOT THUGGING IT OUT HARD
ENOUGH.
I GOT TO THUG IT OUT A LITTLE
BIT HARDER.
I'M JUST NOT THUGGING IT OUT
HARD ENOUGH.
IT'S HARD TO THUG IT OUT WHEN
YOU GOT BIG-*** TEETH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE THINK I'M HAPPY 'CAUSE I
GOT BIG-*** TEETH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY BE LIKE, "MIKE, YOU'RE SO
POSITIVE ABOUT LIFE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"IS THAT THE REASON YOU'RE
ALWAYS SMILING?
IS THAT IT?"
NO, IT'S JUST WHEN I CLOSE MY
MOUTH, IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT HURTS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN ONLY THUG IT OUT FOR A
LIMITED TIME.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT, THOUGH?
WHAT?!
I WILL BEAT YOUR ***!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I'M GANGSTER, SON!"
I NEED TO THUG IT OUT AT MY
HOUSE.
I GOT A WIFE THAT I NEED TO JUST
THUG IT ON HER, YOU KNOW?
I GOT THIS WIFE AT THE HOUSE.
SHE'S OLDER THAN ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
TOO.
SHE CROCHETS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, SHE AIN'T THAT OLD, BUT I
NEED TO THUG IT OUT IN THE HOUSE
'CAUSE I'M GETTING TIRED OF
BEING ACCUSED OF CHEATING, LIKE,
EVERY DAY.
I WENT TO A BACHELOR PARTY, AND
YOU KNOW WOMEN ONLY CARE ABOUT
ONE THING.
AND I GET THIS QUESTION TILL
IT'S ANNOYING.
"ARE THERE GONNA BE DANCERS
THERE?
ARE THERE GONNA BE DANCERS
THERE?
ARE THERE GONNA BE DAN--"
"NO!
PROSTITUTES DON'T DANCE."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
"THEY MAY GET CLAP."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S WHAT I HEARD.
YEAH, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE ACCUSED OF CHEATING EVERY
DAY.
I HATED GETTING ACCUSED AT THE
WRONG TIMES.
I'M WALKING OUT THE HOUSE THE
OTHER DAY.
SHE'S LIKE, "I BETTER NOT EVER
CATCH YOU WITH NO ***."
I'M TAKING OUT THE TRASH!
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, I'M COMING RIGHT BACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GONNA
HAPPEN IN BETWEEN THE HOUSE AND
THE DUMPSTER?
THINK THERE'S SOME CHICK HIDING
INSIDE THE DUMPSTER?
WHAT, IS SHE GONNA POP OUT LIKE
OSCAR THE GROUCH, LIKE, "DO YOU
WANT SOME OF THESE GOODIES?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
'CAUSE I'M PROBABLY NOT GONNA
TURN THAT ONE DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU KNOW HOW STRONG OF A NECK
SHE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TO PUSH
UP A DUMPSTER LID WITH HER HEAD?
[ LAUGHTER ]
COULD YOU IMAGINE THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'D BE LIKE, "DAMN!
THEY DON'T MAKE THAT EQUIPMENT
AT 24-HOUR FITNESS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M AFRAID TO CHEAT.
THERE'S TOO MUCH STUFF YOU HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE
PREGNANCIES, DISEASES, THE OTHER
CHICK.
THAT'S WHO YOU GOT TO WORRY
ABOUT THE MOST -- THE OTHER
CHICK.
SHE MIGHT GO BACK AND CONFESS,
MESS UP EVERYTHING YOU HAVE.
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED IF I WAS TO
EVER CHEAT, I'D HAVE TO GIVE
THIS OTHER WOMAN THE BEST SEX
EVER.
EVER!
'CAUSE IF SHE GOES BACK AND
TRIES TO CONFESS THAT, MY WIFE
AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I COULD SEE THAT PHONE CALL.
"YEAH, HE WENT FOR 45 MINUTES,
AND I HAD ORGASMS."
MY WIFE WOULD BE LIKE, "NOT MY
MICHAEL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"DID YOU SAY 45 MINUTES OR 4 OR
5 MINUTES?"
'CAUSE EITHER WAY, YOU ARE
PUSHING IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"MICHAEL DOES NOT HANG IN THERE.
HOW MUCH LONGER CAN THIS GO?"
NO, I'M AFRAID OF THEM DISEASES,
TOO.
IT'S MESSED UP THAT WE HAVE TO
LIVE IN A TIME WITH DISEASES,
'CAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO DO IT.
AND I THINK IF PEOPLE WANT TO DO
IT, THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE
SEX WITH WHOEVER THEY WANT TO
HAVE IT TO, WHENEVER THEY WANT
TO HAVE IT.
THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT!
IF YOU WANT TO DO IT, YOU SHOULD
BE ABLE TO DO IT.
THAT'S WHY THEY NEED AN STD
TEST, WHERE YOU CAN GET THE
RESULTS ON THE SPOT.
RIGHT AFTER THE NIGHTCLUB, YOU
COULD GET THE RESULTS RIGHT THEN
AND THERE.
IT WOULD BE THE BEST THING.
THAT WAY, YOU COULD BE ON IT,
AND SHE COULD BE ON IT.
THEN YOU COULD DECIDE WHETHER
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE RISK.
"LET ME SEE.
WELL, THEY GOT A CURE FOR THIS
ONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
HEY, Y'ALL, I'M
MIKE E. WINFIELD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Peters: MIKE E. WINFIELD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HIS TEETH ARE GONNA BE ON THREE
CHANNELS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, FOLKS, I LOVE YOU.
WE GOT PRETTY GIRLS IN THE
AUDIENCE, TOO.
THAT'S GOOD.
IT'S MESSED UP WHEN YOU HAVE AN
UGLY AUDIENCE, AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"HEY, OH, WHAT'S UP?
HEY...BABY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVER CALL A CHICK "BABY," AND
YOU FEEL AWKWARD DOING IT?
"HEY..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WAS A VERY INDIAN MOVE,
WASN'T IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS YOU CAN
DO THAT JUST LOOK INDIAN,
LIKE...
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOLKS, YOUR NEXT COMIC COMES TO
US ALL THE WAY FROM WISCONSIN.
I JUST RECENTLY WORKED WITH HIM
IN BOSTON.
YOU'VE SEEN ON HIM "LATE NIGHT
WITH CONAN O'BRIEN" AND "LIVE AT
GOTHAM" ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR THE VERY
FUNNY, MR. SHANE MAUSS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> ALL RIGHT.
I GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN IN
WISCONSIN, WHERE, YES, THERE WAS
A LOT OF CHEESE.
THAT'S USUALLY THE FIRST
QUESTION THAT I GET FROM
EVERYBODY.
I FIRST GOT THE IDEA TO DO
STAND-UP WHEN I WAS ABOUT 10
YEARS OLD.
I WAS MAKING SOME FRIENDS OF
MINE LAUGH, AND ONE OF MY
FRIENDS WAS LIKE, "HEY, YOU
SHOULD BE A STAND-UP COMIC."
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?"
"SOMEONE THAT GOES ON STAGE AND
MAKES PEOPLE LAUGH."
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, I'LL DO
THAT."
AND I ENDED UP MOVING TO BOSTON
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, KIND OF ON
A WHIM, WITH A FRIEND.
I HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO DO
STAND-UP, AND I FINALLY GOT UP
THE NERVE.
DO I GET A LOT OF CHICKS ON THE
ROAD?
NO.
I THINK WOMEN ARE TURNED OFF BY
WHAT COMES OUT OF MY MOUTH.
ALSO, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
SO I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER GETTING
LAID HAD I NOT GONE INTO
STAND-UP.
I CERTAINLY WASN'T DOING WELL
BEFORE THAT.
SO I GUESS IT HELPS.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
THIS IS AMAZING.
I JUST WANTED TO SHARE SOME
STUFF WITH YOU GUYS.
ACTUALLY, I USED TO DO A LOT OF
DRUGS, IF YOU CAN TELL.
I GOT A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL
AFTER A WHILE.
I HAD TO QUIT, BUT I'M ACTUALLY
PROUD TO SAY THAT THIS WEEK I'M
ACTUALLY CELEBRATING FOUR YEARS
OF SOBRIETY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH, THANK YOU, GUYS.
THANKS.
AND, MAN, IT'S BEEN AMAZING.
I'VE BEEN HEALTHIER, EXERCISING.
I ACTUALLY LOST 250 POUNDS.
[ SILENCE ]
OH, THANK YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WOW.
AND, BOY, IT'S BEEN GREAT.
I GOT MARRIED.
ACTUALLY, TOMORROW IS OUR
SECOND-YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OH.
OH, THANKS, GUYS.
MAN, YOU GUYS AREN'T GONNA
BELIEVE THIS, BUT I JUST FOUND
OUT A COUPLE DAYS AGO THAT WE'RE
EXPECTING OUR FIRST CHILD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAS THIS GONE ON TOO LONG?
I'M SORRY.
THIS IS ALL ***.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M WHAT THEY CALL AN APPLAUSE
*** IN THE INDUSTRY.
YOU GUYS DIDN'T FALL FOR THAT.
GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND FOR NOT
FALLING FOR THAT CHEAP APPLAUSE,
HUH?
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING.
ACTUALLY, I JUST FOUND OUT
RECENTLY THAT WHEN SOMEBODY
CALLS YOU A ***, THEY MEAN
THAT YOU'RE WEAK OR COWARDLY.
I HAD NO IDEA.
ALL OF MY LIFE, I THOUGHT THAT
PEOPLE WERE CALLING ME THE BEST
THING EVER.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT CONFUSING AT
TIMES.
ONCE THIS GUY WAS LIKE, "YOU
WANT TO FIGHT, ***?"
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, NOT AFTER A
COMPLIMENT LIKE THAT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"YOU BIG ***!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
***'S FRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE A ROOMMATE.
HE ALWAYS GETS REALLY ANNOYED
WHEN I SING IN THE SHOWER, AND I
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S MY VOICE.
COULD BE THE SONGS THAT I'M
SINGING THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE.
LIKE, HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE
FOR MY SONG, TITLED, "I'M PEEING
IN THE SHOWER."
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALSO DOESN'T LIKE MY CLASSIC,
"WASHING MY BALLS WITH MY
ROOMMATE'S TOOTHBRUSH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOT A BIG MUSIC FAN.
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE MY
CLASSIC HIT, "THINKING ABOUT
YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHILE I DO IT
WITH YOUR FACE CLOTH"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S LIKE MY "FREEBIRD" RIGHT
THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
SEE A LOT OF ANTIDEPRESSANT
COMMERCIALS ON TV.
I FEEL LIKE ANTIDEPRESSANT
COMMERCIALS -- THEY SHOULD MAKE
THE COMMERCIALS THEMSELVES
DEPRESSING, YOU KNOW?
CREATE MORE OF A NEED FOR THE
PRODUCT.
JUST BE LIKE, "ALONE AGAIN ON A
SATURDAY NIGHT?
LOSER!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"NOBODY LOVES YOU...
EXCEPT ZOLOFT!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SAW THE SHOW "SMALLVILLE" FOR
THE FIRST TIME.
IT'S A GOOD SHOW -- REALLY
INTERESTING PREMISE FOR A SHOW.
WHAT IT IS, IT'S ABOUT SUPERMAN
BACK WHEN HE WAS GAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I USED TO WORK CONSTRUCTION,
WORST JOB I EVER HAD.
I WAS A TEMP LABORER --
TERRIBLE JOB.
BUT THERE'S DEFINITELY
ADVANTAGES TO WORKING WITH A
BUNCH OF IRRESPONSIBLE TEMP
WORKERS.
LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, IF I ACTUALLY
SHOWED UP TWO DAYS IN A ROW, I
HAD SENIORITY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS NICE.
THERE WAS NO HEALTH INSURANCE
WITH THAT JOB.
THERE'S JUST WORKMAN'S
COMPENSATION.
SO ANY TIME I NEEDED TO SEEK
MEDICAL ATTENTION, IT NEEDED TO
BE A WORK-RELATED THING.
I'D HAVE TO TALK TO MY BOSS.
I'D BE LIKE, "OH, GEEZ, I DON'T
KNOW.
I'D BETTER GO AND SEE A DOCTOR.
YESTERDAY, I THINK I WAS JUST
PICKING UP A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH
WEIGHT, AND I THINK I MIGHT HAVE
GOTTEN ***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S CRAZY ALL THE THINGS YOU
GOT TO WORRY ABOUT THESE DAYS.
MAN.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN GRADE
SCHOOL, THE BIGGEST CONCERN WAS,
"DON'T SHARE HATS.
YOU MIGHT GET LICE."
THEY'RE MUCH MORE SERIOUS NOW.
THEY'RE LIKE, "DON'T SHARE
NEEDLES.
YOU MIGHT GET AIDS."
JESUS!
WELL, AT LEAST YOU CAN SHARE
HATS AGAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO CARES ABOUT LICE ANYMORE?
I CERTAINLY DON'T.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M ACTUALLY SUPER CAREFUL WHEN
IT COMES TO THAT STUFF 'CAUSE I
WENT TO A PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL,
AND ONE DAY IN HEALTH CLASS,
THEY SHOWED US A SLIDE SHOW OF A
BUNCH OF STDs JUST TO SCARE THE
CRAP OUT OF US.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
THIS IS JUST A SLIDE SHOW, A
BUNCH OF PICTURES OF GENITALIA
WITH JUST BLISTERS, PUS,
DISCHARGE, UGH!
JUST THE MOST DISGUSTING THING
THAT I HAVE EVER MASTURBATED TO.
[ GROANS AND LAUGHTER ]
I'LL TAKE IT.
I DRINK A LOT.
I LIKE THE ALCOHOL.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME
SOMEONE OFFERED ME A LIGHT BEER,
I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.
LESS FILLING.
IT'LL STILL FILL THE VOID IN MY
SOUL, RIGHT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT."
OH, GOOD.
I JUST LOVE THE WAY ALCOHOL
MAKES ME FEEL, LIKE SO RELAXED
AND LOOSE.
IT'S LIKE I CAN SAY WHAT I'M
REALLY THINKING.
I CAN APPROACH WOMEN.
I CAN FLY THROUGH A WINDSHIELD
AND WALK AWAY FROM IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S GOOD.
NEVER KNOW HOW DRUNK I AM.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I'LL BE IN A BAR.
I'LL BE LIKE, "WHY DOES EVERYONE
KEEP ASKING ME IF I'M OKAY?
OF COURSE I'M OKAY.
DIDN'T YOU SEE ME A MINUTE AGO?
I HAD MY PANTS DOWN.
I WAS DOING THE '*** SLAPPING
AGAINST THE THIGHS' DANCE FROM
THE MOVIE 'KIDS'?
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT IF I
WASN'T OKAY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
GUYS EVER DO THAT ONE TO YOUR
LADIES?
NO.
PROBABLY A GOOD CHOICE.
I DO THAT ONCE IN A WHILE.
A GIRL WILL BE LIKE, "I'M NOT IN
THE MOOD TONIGHT."
I'M LIKE, "WELL, HOW ABOUT
NOW?!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOT GOOD WITH WOMEN -- IT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY.
COUPLE YEARS AGO, SOME FRIENDS
OF MINE, THEY WERE TRYING TO GET
ME TO SLOW DOWN ON THE DRINKING.
ONE OF THEIR IDEAS WAS TO
VIDEOTAPE ME DURING A BLACKOUT
AND THEN SHOW IT TO ME WHEN I
WAS SOBER SO I COULD SEE WHAT I
WAS REALLY ACTING LIKE.
I WATCHED THE TAPE.
I WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."
I MEAN, I KNEW I WAS FUNNY...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...BUT THAT'S HILARIOUS.
GIVING MYSELF A WEDGIE?
WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT
ONE SOBER.
HOW AM I GONNA TOP THAT?
OH, DRY-*** THE POLICE
OFFICER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I READ IN A MAGAZINE THAT GUYS
NOW -- THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DRINK
A LOT OF PINEAPPLE JUICE FOR THE
LADIES.
ANYONE HEAR THAT?
SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE B.J.s TASTE
BETTER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
I WONDER HOW MUCH THEY PAID
THOSE TASTE TESTERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DOESN'T EVEN SOUND REAL, DOES
IT?
KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE A MYTH,
RIGHT, THAT WAS CREATED BY THE
PEOPLE AT DOLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE IN A MARKETING MEETING
ONE DAY.
"HEY, WHAT'S ONE OF OUR
LEAST-SELLING PRODUCTS?
PINEAPPLE JUICE?
LET'S JUST SAY IT MAKES BLOW
JOBS TASTE GOOD.
WHAT THE HELL?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
WATCH OUT FOR THIS SLOGAN.
CARROT JUICE -- IT'LL MAKE YOUR
BUTT CHEEKS SMELL LIKE CANDY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T REALLY CARE IF IT'S TRUE
OR NOT.
I TELL MY GIRLFRIEND IT'S TRUE,
ANYWAY.
I DROP LIKE LITTLE, SUBTLE HINTS
ON HER.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, HONEY, LOOK HOW
MUCH PINEAPPLE JUICE I'M
DRINKING!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MAKE UP OTHER STUFF, TOO.
I'M LIKE, "ALSO, I ATE SOME
RHUBARB IN CASE YOU WANT TO
TONGUE MY BUTT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
SO I'M IN TROUBLE WITH HER RIGHT
NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SCREWED UP.
I HAVE SUCH A TOUGH TIME BUYING
GIFTS FOR WOMEN.
JUST STUPID ABOUT IT.
LIKE, I TOOK THIS ADVICE -- "OH,
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH
JEWELRY."
HAVE YOU HEARD THAT?
YEAH.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS NOT
CONSIDERED JEWELRY?
APPARENTLY, *** BEADS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, SOME OF YOU GUYS
DON'T WATCH AS MUCH ***...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...AS I DO.
SO WHAT THEY ARE IS...
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M JUST...
JUST BEADS ON A STRING -- PRETTY
SIMPLE, BASIC THING.
BUT I THINK THE GUY THAT
INVENTED THEM, HE MUST HAVE
ACTUALLY BEEN A PRETTY SMART GUY
BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK.
I WANT TO STICK A BUNCH OF STUFF
UP MY ***, BUT I WANT TO MAKE
SURE THAT I CAN GET IT BACK
OUT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T THINK THAT
FAR AHEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AHH.
I'M GONNA LOVE WATCHING THAT ON
TV.
TOO BAD I CAN'T AFFORD CABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY GIRLFRIEND -- SHE RECENTLY
GOT US AN ELECTRIC BLANKET.
AND I LEFT IT ON ONE DAY, AND
SHE IS PISSED.
SHE GOT HOME FROM WORK.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YOU LEFT THE
ELECTRIC BLANKET ON ALL DAY.
YOU COULD HAVE BURNT DOWN THE
HOUSE."
I WAS LIKE, "WHOA.
WE'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN A BLANKET
THAT JUST RANDOMLY BURSTS INTO
FLAMES?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"CAN WE GO BACK TO THE BLANKET
THAT DOESN'T SPONTANEOUSLY
COMBUST, PLEASE?"
I HAVE A HARD TIME TELLING IF
RELATIONSHIPS ARE GONNA WORK OUT
OR NOT.
'CAUSE IT'S NEVER ANYTHING THAT
BIG THAT ENDS IT FOR ME.
IT'S ALWAYS ALL THOSE LITTLE
THINGS KIND OF BUILD UP AND
BUILD UP TO THAT LAST, LITTLE
THING.
I JUST SNAP.
I'M LIKE, "YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
'BACK TO THE FUTURE?'"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"THIS IS ***."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S COOL, THOUGH.
SHE'S ALWAYS TELLING ME THAT SHE
WANTS ME TO MAKE LOVE TO HER
LIKE IN THE MOVIES.
SO I CAME ON HER FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, SHE DIDN'T CARE FOR IT.
I THINK WE WATCH DIFFERENT
MOVIES.
I DON'T KNOW.
THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.
YOU GUYS ARE ALL *** IN MY
BOOK!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
>> Peters: SHANE MAUSS, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S OUR SHOW, FOLKS.
GIVE IT UP ONE MORE TIME FOR
MIKE E. WINFIELD AND
SHANE MAUSS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M RUSSELL PETERS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD NIGHT.
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com