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I love you. I love you. Now we're agreed that we're in love,
we'll have to face the la-dee-da that I wash all of the fancy pants are mine, I
love you very much.
Immigration control to Major Tom, these guys want to know where I came from.
Cricklewood. The 16 is a Routemaster now. I skip the fare. Small victories. They've
tried rebranding the area. A pop-up halal butchers and Budget Express, if you
look up high there's a giant Cricklewood sign, and the R is all weird out
proportion. Like the elephant in the room. Ron come save me. Indiana Jones and the
Temple of Doom. Kali ma Shakti de. I feel most coloured when I'm thrown against a
sharp white background, feel most coloured when I'm thrown against a sharp white background. Welcome to the theatre, where they have conversations about people like us and
people like us aren't invited to the conversation. The opposite of Brent, the
most diverse place in the UK, where I was made, where I'm trying to make sense of my
shape, I'm trying to make sense of this ache. You've got any answers send them my
way, on a postcard or stamped addressed envelope. I hope you have a place you
call home. Jay used to come knock for me in the mornings and we walk to school
together, and he always wanted to take the shortcut, which was two hammered out
railings just about big enough to fit through leading into the B&Q carpark
instead of walking on by the bingo and the Broadway. But one morning we went and
it looked like someone had hammered them back in, so I say to Jay "it looks like
someone has hammered them back in let's go the other way" and he was like "nah
it's the same" and he puts his head through and you can hear his hair
scraping against the railings, and he just about gets it through, but the he clocks his body is a lot bigger than his head.
And then he starts to panic, and he
was trying for about a minute, struggling to get it out, and it was only a minute,
but if you're in it kind of feels like forever, I'm stuck in this forever, should
I go get some butter or grease? And just so you know I don't approve of child
grooming. Where I come from Bond looks like the Bond villains and a Bond
villains who look like Bond. I love you I love you, but we're different we're
different, yes we're too different too different
huh, just start. Now we're agreed that we're in love, we'll have to face the
la-dee-da that I wash, all of the fancy pants are mine, I love you very much I'm
gonna sing you some blues, this one's oh how I miss you, Sam's two for two. 'London
Boy' is the villain in so many stories across the country. Your brother came to
London and kept moaning that he couldn't see the stars here, but when we went to
your hometown I never saw him look up at the sky once. We went to your hometown,
this car drove past, and someone shouted at me "Pakistan's that way - go back to
where you came from". When I leave London it seems to be the same song:
"Pakistan's that way". Your sat-nav is pretty *** sick. I'm from here.
How long does your sat-nav say it will take to get home? I feel most colored when
I'm thrown against a sharp white background, feel most coloured when I'm
thrown against a sharp white background. Cut yourself till you fit in, then
realise there's something missing, and it's the things you cut off, like your first
language. Untied a bandage, your mother tongue is now a stump and you wait for
it to grow back like a worm. I love you, I love you, but we're different, we're
different, yes we're too different too different, huh,
we just are, but I love you and you love me. I know but what does that even mean,
"we're too different", I knew we were different two minutes after we met, and
after two years "we're too different", what does that even mean? I don't know, I just
know okay, I just know, too different huh, just the way we are now. Now all we're
agreed that we're in love, we'll have to face the la-dee-da, that I wash all of
the fancy pants on mine I love you very much. Mr. Diagnosis you have type 1
displacement disorder. I don't understand, how... how did I get it? I've tried so hard
to. I'm afraid it was nothing you could do about it, it was passed down from
your parents, it's in your genes, it's been in your system since birth. Is it
gonna get worse? It's difficult to say. It really hurts. I know it's painful, the
only thing that sometimes works is finding home, and something else, someone
else. I hope that helps. What if that someone else leaves, if
that's something else breaks? It's a chance you'll have to take, there's no
cure, we're working on it. I feel most colored when I'm thrown against the
sharp white background, I feel most colored when thrown against the sharp white
background. If you cut off your mother tongue and dropped it off the Eiffel
Tower, it could slice a person in half, kind of like how you are. Science. The first
show I ever saw at Tricycle was a school trip for a play that Jeffery from
Fresh Prince was in, it was set in the deep south of America, and throughout the
show whenever he spoke, people tried to shout "Jeffery!". Now to the play. When he
came through everyone was like "yes Jeffrey!", trying to get a handshake or a
spud, and he shouted back "I am NOT Jeffery!".And he was right. He's not
Jeffery. He has his own name, and just so you know I don't approve of honor
killings. Who's your favourite Bollywood actor? I
love you I love you, but we're different, we're different yes,
we're too different too different, huh? Just are. But I love you, and you love me. I
know, but what does that even mean "we're too different"? I knew we were different
two minutes after we met, and after two years we're too different, what does that
even mean? I don't know, I just know. Okay? I just know. Too different how? Just the
way we are now. What's this fake ***? It's not. We've
been good, we've been great, we've been happy. So this difference was working
before, how is it any different now? I don't know it just is, it just is, this
isn't right for me, I'm doing what's right for me.
Now we're agreed that we're in love, we'll have to face the la-dee-da, that I
wash all of the fancy pants are mine, I love you very much.
***. Starting to vent. What kind of fuckery is this. Pardon my
French... Je suis Charlie, nah wait, Je suis bacon sarni.
Now wait you're Muslim, je suis Arni, Hasta LaVista, je suis sari.
Je suis desolee for trying to tell my own kahani, betty bye.
Je t'aime beaucoup ....betty betty, j'aime beaucoup. Where have you gone? I feel most
coloured when I'm thrown against a sharp white background, I feel most coloured when I'm
thrown against a sharp white background. You can put any flag on your face, leave
it for an hour, or leave it for days. I don't get to choose what to display, red,
white, St. George, these colours ain't yours. I'm London, I ain't English, I'm London, I ain't
Pakistani, I'm London. I ain't English and Pakistani, I'm London. I love my city, my
country don't want me, but my city sticks with me.
Get me a London flag done by Basquiat. Adam was a witness, he didn't believe in
Christmas, he said there was no way Jesus could have been born in December, it's a
lie. Something to do with shepherds and spring. So every December 25th, because
there were no buses we'd walk from ours to Grange Park, and all the people
who weren't celebrating played football. Jay, Tuhan, Anguian, and other locals. Somali,
Kosovan, Moroccan, and Zidan. Who looked nothing like Zidan. He was five five, with a
head full of curls, he was called Zidan because he was Algerian, and he dominated
the midfield, and we just played, we just played, and just so you know I don't
approve of terrorism. If you join all the mother tongues that have been chopped
off in this place, tie them together with all the frown lines at rush hour, you can
make three rings around Saturn, maybe four, if you stretched a like a person trying
to reach two places or more at the same time. Science. I love you, I love you but
we're different, we're different, yes we're too different, too different how?
We just are but I love you, and you love me, I know but what does that even mean?
We're too different, I knew we were different two minutes after we met, and
after two years we're too different, what does that even mean?
I don't know, but just know okay, I just know. Too different how? Just the way
we are now, what's this fake ***, it's not but we've been good, we've been
great, we've been happy, so this difference was working before, how is it
any different now? I don't know it just is, this isn't right for me,
I'm doing what's right for me. It was your dad, no it wasn't, it was your dad, it
all changed that weekend you went home. It has nothing to do with him, the things
he said got into your head, this relationship is not right for me, we're
not like, that you're not like him. I came to this decision all by myself,
well then I hope you find a nice white boy for that. Now we're agreed that we're
in love, we'll have to face the la-di-dah, that
I wash all of the fancy pantomime, I love you very much.
Love it weren't enough. You're in a converted Church, dancing to afrobeat, dancing with
her. In that moment you feel home, or something close to, you both do. Sitting
outside a church, spent two years in that moment, a place she felt home in is
sinking in a sea of white. Anytime you get invited to her stage, it's to say I
apologise for honour killings, I apologise for child grooming, I
apologise for terrorism, I apologise he was racist, I apologise. I
thought we were strong enough to take it, you want to cry, the back of your throat
burns like you've downed the coldest fizzy drink too fast. New star in the oldest
place, grief seems to make things repeat. Some nights over Kilburn High Road there's a
bunch of us floating, lighting up the sky like Chinese lanterns. We can't get
stopped by a police up here. I see fours and I see threes, I see trees of
green, red roses too, I see them bloom. Four poor souls, with wide open torsos, we
split our chests trying to stretch between here and there, try to connect to
something grounded. Roots in the earth but haven't found it. Truth is it hurts,
the things you gain and lose in the search. Where I come from the background
ain't white, we'll make our way back down tonight. On those *** days this most mixed
place is your most favourite old mixtape, and just for a song it feels like your
mother tongue is growing back.
pyaar huaikraar hua hai pyaar se phir kyun dharta hai dil
You tell me. Hi kids, did you know there were
signs on doors which said 'no Irish no blacks no dogs', so people like my dad sat
in pubs in Kilburn and Cricklewood. Where where do we come from? North Weiser. How
do we make money? Most likely minimum wage, living in a place where you didn't
have a name, a place for people who weren't going to stay. My old man worked
on the buses, the destination of this bus has changed, please listen to the
announcement for more details. We didn't expect this, oh well on to the next thing.
Red pitch, by the side of our school was a playground, with a red football pitch
and a cage, and that's where fights were arranged. You step in and the door is
closed and you fight, fists and slaps, knees and kicks, give me that over all of
this. It's this tattoo Hannah will ink, does it
fade, who remembers the patterns you made. Irish, Jamaican, Pakistani, Somali, Polish, a
place to call home and you're homesick. Now we're agreed that we're in love, why
do I still want you if you don't want me too. We'll have to face the la-di-dah. Can I
have a chicken burger with a side of "I can't believe in this day and age", hold
off on the mayonnaise, some curry sauce, it's just a bunch of muddy thought, that
I wash all of the fancy pants on my... Colonialism, it's behind you.
Racism, it's behind you. Nah wait, it's around you. I love you very much,
I'm tired. You too. Maybe we were too different,
maybe it was your choice, but when I hear that "different", all I hear is his voice.
Another song please, alright mate, know what you're doing mate, "...anyone oh yeah oh yeah
no no no no". The bus has come here to rest, before they set off again I need to
catch my breath, I need to put this behind me. I loved you I loved you, but we
were different. We were different. Yes we were too different. We just were.